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Eva’s Crazy Mind
i’ve wanted to make a forum post like that for quite a while now, but never brought myself to actually make it. here i will write up all sorts of thoughts and vents, everything i need to get off my mind. it’s not gonna be positive or motivational, not even close. i personally don’t recommend reading it just because it doesn’t help lol. you’re welcome to read, replies are okay, just be aware that it’s gonna be a pretty dark place. i don’t usually ask for help despite telling everybody to. idk why. i’m not a very good example of what’s right to do. TW just in case, not planning to go that far but who knows.
i’m making myself this space because sometimes you can feel lonely while being surrounded by a million people and that’s nobody’s fault.
best wishes to you. ❤️
@justmeeva I wouldn’t dream of replacing you 🥺 you’re too precious and nice and…eva. There isn't any other on earth, in the universe, like you.
But i know sometimes it’s hard to see your own self worth <3 here for you.
“when i wake up
i’m afraid
somebody else might take my place”
-“Afraid” by The Neighbourhood
this song.
this year’s valentine’s day is just a little different. in addition to not having a lover for the 14th year (why would i tho lol), this time i don’t have friends either. i’ll be spending the day completely alone. watching people be happy, enjoying someone’s company. walking by valentine’s day stuff in stores is such a mood killer. all i get is memories, flashbacks, pain. i don’t want to grow to hate that amazing day. but i’m afraid i will.
she triggers the worst flashbacks just so casually. almost every day. sometimes she does something consciously, sometimes she doesn’t mean harm. but it hurts regardless.
and there’s no way out. she doesn’t mean bad so i can’t complain. i can’t tell her because she doesn’t know anything. i’m stuck.
at this point, there’s no escape from the flashbacks. they follow me everywhere i go, whatever i do, say, hear, see.
one way i express myself? scenarios. monologues. dialogues. stories. here’s one. don’t question it. it’s night.
if i were to walk on a street, and a man were to walk by, take my bag and run with it, i would probably just stand there. i would probably stare at him as he runs further away from me. he would stop a good distance away to take a look at his stolen treasure. he’d still be close enough to hear me. as he’d open the bag, i’d yell: “have fun studying”. there’s nothing more than some notebooks, books, school stuff in there. i’d look at him searching my bag, his face showing more and more disappointment as he searches and doesn’t find anything valuable. “want my phone as well? and my watch? i wouldn’t mind,” i’d say. he’d come back, my bag in his hands. he’d look at me. this wasn’t planned like that at all. “why isn’t the girl scared? running? doing anything?” he’d think to himself. he’d walk closer to me. i wouldn’t move. “why aren’t you doing anything?” he’d finally ask me. “i don’t care,” i’d respond. “i don’t have anything to lose anymore. take whatever you need,” i’d say to him. “there’s no money in my wallet, nobody to talk to on my phone, studying i don’t care about.” i’d say. he’d give me back my bag. i’d be a little surprised but wouldn’t show it. after a short pause, he’d ask me the words i feared. the words i hadn’t heard in a long time. “are you okay?” is what he’d ask. i’d freeze. i’d try to come up with a response. would i lie? tell the truth? respond at all? a moment later the man would hug me. i’d not feel threatened or uncomfortable at all. it felt genuine, it felt meaningful, it felt good. so long ago it was when i last got a hug from anyone. turns out he’d not be a bad man at all. turns out he’d not even mean harm. turns out it was just a stupid game, a joke, an entertainment. weird, but i wouldn’t even question it. “you’ll be okay. also, i’m sorry” the man would say. he’d almost leave, but then he asked the last question: “why aren’t you scared?”. i’d respond: “i don’t care.”. after a moment, i’d say: “i knew you weren’t a bad person. i knew.”. he’d think about it for a moment and leave. i’d stand there for a good couple of minutes, trying to process everything. the world had become a tiny bit better. for a moment at least.
but, i guess i can’t really call it ‘expressing myself’ since nobody knows. and uh.. forget you ever read that.
@justmeeva eva buddy? Me writes stuffs like this when feeling low. Yours was beautiful. Dont feel ashamed over it, or anything. Its a thing you do, and if youre comfy doing it, then i see nothing wrong with it.
Such scenarios come from the heart...and there is nothing to be ashamed of in your heart
@unassumingEyes
i guess you’re right.
*hugs eyes frend if oke*
@justmeeva *hugs* cups didnt show me ur reply earlier :0
@justmeeva
*sits with eva if okie* <3
i get that tbh. ): i wish people tried to understand and tried to care a little too. but many people... just don't. they're insensitive and rude ): and it's horrible. ☹ *hugs if okay* your different though lovely. me grateful that evabuddybeanie is here 💙 we need people who care, who seek to understand, who have empathy and who are concerned about others. 💜 me appreciate you evabuddy. for being exactly you 💙
i'm so sorry your classmates are like that though ): it must have been so horrible having to hear their mean whispers and laughs like that. ☹ it must have been tough and hurtful for the teacher too. ):
@justmeeva
oof. i agree with you completely tbh. :') *hugs if okay*
@justmeeva
is eva friend okie…? i’m sorry… was it because of the big reply me wrote in your space ): me didn’t mean to invade eva friend’s space or be mean 😞 i’m sorry
@LoveMyMoonflowers
nonono you didn’t do anything lovely. me promise. i appreciates that very much 🩷. nothing related to cups.
@justmeeva
awwe okay 💜 did something happen to upset eva friend irl? ☹️ (if okie to ask)
@LoveMyMoonflowers
well, it’s possible that i saw someone. someone i didn’t wanna see. or maybe it was someone just very very similar. kind of a mood killer. (i don’t mean to be rude by writing with the dots i’m sorry)
@justmeeva
hey no it’s okay 💙 there’s no need to be sorry. 💜 i don’t think your being rude at all, friend. 💙 did that someone remind you of something in the past? ☹️💜 makes sense you feel upset about seeing someone you didn’t really want to see 😞
remember evabuddy not forced to answer any questions ni friend asks okie? 💙 eva friend can answer if comfy 💜 me here for friend. 💙 *huggle wuggles*
@justmeeva
at the mall-sies? 💕 can eva-buddy leave if your not comfy being there? 💜
@LoveMyMoonflowers
*hugs ni and hides*
it’s okay, questions are okay. yeah, seeing that person brought some memories and thoughts back i’d rather bury away. *sigh*
@LoveMyMoonflowers
mhm, we’re leaving now, thankfully. my mind isn’t tho..
@justmeeva
awwe :') that would defo be upsetting buddy and maybe scary too (?) 🥺 i’m so sorry. 💙 is there anything specifically that helps eva friend with flashbacks/memories? 💜 those can definitely be so painful 😓💙
@justmeeva
it’s okay 💜 it can be hard for your mind to stop remembering things and thinking those thoughts ): it’s hard lovely. 💙
@LoveMyMoonflowers
idk what to do about them. i usually just have to go through them. music is good but it doesn’t scare the thoughts and flashbacks away, rather helps process them? i think? maybe? idk..
@justmeeva
me understand that. 💜 does evabuddybean think trying to distract yourself from them would help more - or trying to process them? 💙 i think most of the time it’s harder to distract ourselves from thoughts and memories :') it’s hard. so it’s okie to take time to process them mhm? :’) it’s okie to feel what your feeling right now. 💜 do you think listening to some music, and maybe journaling will help? :o
@LoveMyMoonflowers
i think i’ll try to figure something out by myself for a little time. i’ll be back later tho okie? thank you for being here for me 🩷 *gives ni fren a big big hug* 🫂
@justmeeva
okay lovely. please be vvv safe and try to be kind to you, mhm? 💕 ni friend loves you lots and is always here for you if you need. 💙 *sends big big huggies right back at evabuddybean* 💜
@LoveMyMoonflowers
love you nibuddy, i’ll talk to you later. try to take care of yourself too okie? 🩷
@justmeeva @LoveMyMoonflowers *hugs for both of you if oki*