Eva’s Crazy Mind

the way this literally explains my whole self.

@justmeeva I wouldn’t dream of replacing you 🥺 you’re too precious and nice and…eva. There isn't any other on earth, in the universe, like you.

But i know sometimes it’s hard to see your own self worth <3 here for you.

@unassumingEyes

🩷

“when i wake up

i’m afraid 

somebody else might take my place”

-“Afraid” by The Neighbourhood

this song.

this year’s valentine’s day is just a little different. in addition to not having a lover for the 14th year (why would i tho lol), this time i don’t have friends either. i’ll be spending the day completely alone. watching people be happy, enjoying someone’s company. walking by valentine’s day stuff in stores is such a mood killer. all i get is memories, flashbacks, pain. i don’t want to grow to hate that amazing day. but i’m afraid i will. 

(i know i have my cups friends. you’re no worse than irl friends. i do love y’all. i just miss the physical presence of someone. the fun. the happiness. having someone there. it’s been so long. too long.)

*** flashbacks. *** mom. 

she triggers the worst flashbacks just so casually. almost every day. sometimes she does something consciously, sometimes she doesn’t mean harm. but it hurts regardless. 

and there’s no way out. she doesn’t mean bad so i can’t complain. i can’t tell her because she doesn’t know anything. i’m stuck. 

at this point, there’s no escape from the flashbacks. they follow me everywhere i go, whatever i do, say, hear, see. 

is happiness even a thing anymore? for me? don’t think so. 

one way i express myself? scenarios. monologues. dialogues. stories. here’s one.  don’t question it. it’s night.

if i were to walk on a street, and a man were to walk by, take my bag and run with it, i would probably just stand there. i would probably stare at him as he runs further away from me. he would stop a good distance away to take a look at his stolen treasure. he’d still be close enough to hear me. as he’d open the bag, i’d yell: “have fun studying”. there’s nothing more than some notebooks, books, school stuff in there. i’d look at him searching my bag, his face showing more and more disappointment as he searches and doesn’t find anything valuable. “want my phone as well? and my watch? i wouldn’t mind,” i’d say. he’d come back, my bag in his hands. he’d look at me. this wasn’t planned like that at all. “why isn’t the girl scared? running? doing anything?” he’d think to himself. he’d walk closer to me. i wouldn’t move. “why aren’t you doing anything?” he’d finally ask me. “i don’t care,” i’d respond. “i don’t have anything to lose anymore. take whatever you need,”  i’d say to him. “there’s no money in my wallet, nobody to talk to on my phone, studying i don’t care about.” i’d say. he’d give me back my bag. i’d be a little surprised but wouldn’t show it. after a short pause, he’d ask me the words i feared. the words i hadn’t heard in a long time. “are you okay?” is what he’d ask. i’d freeze. i’d try to come up with a response. would i lie? tell the truth? respond at all? a moment later the man would hug me. i’d not feel threatened or uncomfortable at all. it felt genuine, it felt meaningful, it felt good. so long ago it was when i last got a hug from anyone. turns out he’d not be a bad man at all. turns out he’d not even mean harm. turns out it was just a stupid game, a joke, an entertainment. weird, but i wouldn’t even question it. “you’ll be okay. also, i’m sorry” the man would say. he’d almost leave, but then he asked the last question: “why aren’t you scared?”. i’d respond: “i don’t care.”. after a moment, i’d say: “i knew you weren’t a bad person. i knew.”. he’d think about it for a moment and leave. i’d stand there for a good couple of minutes, trying to process everything. the world had become a tiny bit better. for a moment at least.

but, i guess i can’t really call it ‘expressing myself’ since nobody knows. and uh.. forget you ever read that. 

@justmeeva eva buddy? Me writes stuffs like this when feeling low. Yours was beautiful. Dont feel ashamed over it, or anything. Its a thing you do, and if youre comfy doing it, then i see nothing wrong with it.

Such scenarios come from the heart...and there is nothing to be ashamed of in your heart

@unassumingEyes

i guess you’re right. 

*hugs eyes frend if oke*

@justmeeva *hugs* cups didnt show me ur reply earlier :0

people are really disappointing at times. 

our class was being a bit loud at the start of the lesson and the teacher got mad. she told us how she was having a *** day because her cat had died in the morning, how she didn’t want to be in school, she would much rather be at home and grieve.  the class went quiet for a moment. then, they started talking again. whispering, more quiet, but talking. it made me so mad that nobody seemed to care. what’s worse is that they talked about it. how it was funny. i don’t understand how people manage to be that coldhearted. i felt so bad for the teacher. why can’t people understand? why can’t people emphasise? at least respect the teacher? not that they normally do. they’re so judgemental. rude. disrespectful. stupid. i wish i would’ve done something. at least said something to the teacher. anything. but i didn’t. since the teacher isn’t liked by our class for some absurd reasons, they would’ve thought i’m weird for caring about her. it’s so wrong. so *** wrong. i hate people sometimes.

@justmeeva

*sits with eva if okie* <3 

i get that tbh. ): i wish people tried to understand and tried to care a little too. but many people... just don't. they're insensitive and rude ): and it's horrible. ☹ *hugs if okay* your different though lovely. me grateful that evabuddybeanie is here 💙 we need people who care, who seek to understand, who have empathy and who are concerned about others. 💜 me appreciate you evabuddy. for being exactly you 💙

i'm so sorry your classmates are like that though ): it must have been so horrible having to hear their mean whispers and laughs like that. ☹ it must have been tough and hurtful for the teacher too. ): 

the teacher started today’s lesson by talking about grief. she showed us the stages of grief, talked about herself, she even teared up for a moment. it was so sad and i felt so bad for her. me being me i was holding back tears too. she told us about how she used to be depressed to the point she didn’t want to live anymore. it was so emotional. for me at least. others did listen but i don’t think they completely understood. she’s a good person. good people should be kept and taken care of. what’s wrong with people? why do they make fun of others just for fun? why don’t they understand? why don’t they even try? i hate society. some people are good, but we’re losing them. we lose good people every day. that’s not fair. i hate society. 

@justmeeva

oof. i agree with you completely tbh. :') *hugs if okay*

@LoveMyMoonflowers

*hugss*

…

@justmeeva

is eva friend okie…? i’m sorry… was it because of the big reply me wrote in your space ): me didn’t mean to invade eva friend’s space or be mean 😞 i’m sorry 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

nonono you didn’t do anything lovely. me promise. i appreciates that very much 🩷. nothing related to cups. 

@justmeeva

awwe okay 💜 did something happen to upset eva friend irl? ☹️ (if okie to ask) 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

well, it’s possible that i saw someone. someone i didn’t wanna see. or maybe it was someone just very very similar. kind of a mood killer. (i don’t mean to be rude by writing with the dots i’m sorry)

i don’t wanna be here anymore..

@justmeeva

hey no it’s okay 💙 there’s no need to be sorry. 💜 i don’t think your being rude at all, friend. 💙 did that someone remind you of something in the past? ☹️💜 makes sense you feel upset about seeing someone you didn’t really want to see 😞

remember evabuddy not forced to answer any questions ni friend asks okie? 💙 eva friend can answer if comfy 💜 me here for friend. 💙 *huggle wuggles* 

@justmeeva

at the mall-sies? 💕 can eva-buddy leave if your not comfy being there? 💜

@LoveMyMoonflowers

*hugs ni and hides*

it’s okay, questions are okay. yeah, seeing that person brought some memories and thoughts back i’d rather bury away. *sigh*

@LoveMyMoonflowers

mhm, we’re leaving now, thankfully. my mind isn’t tho..

@justmeeva

awwe :') that would defo be upsetting buddy and maybe scary too (?) 🥺 i’m so sorry. 💙 is there anything specifically that helps eva friend with flashbacks/memories? 💜 those can definitely be so painful 😓💙

@justmeeva

it’s okay 💜 it can be hard for your mind to stop remembering things and thinking those thoughts ): it’s hard lovely. 💙

@LoveMyMoonflowers

idk what to do about them. i usually just have to go through them. music is good but it doesn’t scare the thoughts and flashbacks away, rather helps process them? i think? maybe? idk..

@justmeeva

me understand that. 💜 does evabuddybean think trying to distract yourself from them would help more - or trying to process them? 💙 i think most of the time it’s harder to distract ourselves from thoughts and memories :') it’s hard. so it’s okie to take time to process them mhm? :’) it’s okie to feel what your feeling right now. 💜 do you think listening to some music, and maybe journaling will help? :o 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

i think i’ll try to figure something out by myself for a little time. i’ll be back later tho okie? thank you for being here for me 🩷 *gives ni fren a big big hug* 🫂

@justmeeva

okay lovely. please be vvv safe and try to be kind to you, mhm? 💕 ni friend loves you lots and is always here for you if you need. 💙 *sends big big huggies right back at evabuddybean* 💜 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

love you nibuddy, i’ll talk to you later. try to take care of yourself too okie? 🩷

@justmeeva @LoveMyMoonflowers *hugs for both of you if oki*

@unassumingEyes

*hugs eyes friend* 🩷