Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding
gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and
all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.
3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do
not have love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it
keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It
always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
@Helgafy
Thank you for your teachings today. I did enjoy reading them . Including the one describing the different types.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Well - I forgot romantic love - maybe the one most difficult.
@Helgafy ❤❤❤
As usual I lay here trapped with my thoughts. Tomorrow is Wednesday, my 2nd surgeon appointment is Friday morning. My anxieties are stirring the pot as well. Not so much about the appointment, I would think that would mainly revolve around receiving information regarding the surgery and possibly what comes after. The appointment probably won’t last more than a half hour, if that. I’m more thinking about the ride there and back. Granted it went ok the last trip. But my underlying nature doesn’t think that way. My anxieties prey on my negativity and expecting the worst or something similar.
So my brain I think starts playing the odds like a gambler or something. It went ok that time so chances are that this time it will go badly. Physically nothing has really changed regarding this recent addition. Medications are the same, plus the same plan for double dosing for the trip is the same . So one would think that there are no worries. No, not me and my anxieties.
They force feed their agenda into the rapid fire pinball game in my head and it must be a nonstop barrage of words for it to make it to the forefront of the strands of thoughts that I am able to grasp.
They don’t wait until the day of they do it many days in advance.
Before this latest ordeal I was beginning to really struggle with keeping things in check. They for the most part didn’t go into full blown panic attack mode in public, Over the years I have let myself have the anxiety attacks escalate to full panic attack in private, say for example going into town to get groceries, In order to help keep myself somewhat together in the store I would let things escalate on the drive in , then pull over to the side of the road and have the attack. Get myself back together a little bit and continue on to town. Sometimes I would have to do the same on the way home.
Now, stuck in bed with my thoughts, I have be limited say in my anxieties actions.
I am also stressing about the possibilities regarding how long I will have to wait for surgery. I have been off work for 2 and a half months and have had what, 4 or 5 appointments, including the one on Friday, during this time.
Losing focus….
@Iamwhoiamwhoami hello, it's understandable to be anxious, just keep doing breathing exercises and try to gently counter the negative assumptions with positive one till your appointment and we'll all hope that the surgery date be fixed and be sooner. You're doing good with all that's going on :)
@Tinywhisper11
YYY
I am thinking of you, hoping that you are feeling better.
❤️❤️ Embracing you in a warm loving embrace ❤️❤️
Switched the X’s to Y’s , hopefully you are ok with that.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami yyy yep yyy works too ❤ hugs you extra tightly to shoo! The worries away ❤ it's gonna be ok, I'm right there with you holding your hand, anxiety sucks 🙁 your mind sucks too🙂 but it's all gonna go just fine ❤and hoping and praying the surgery will be very soon. ❤ sorry I haven't been in here much the past two days, still feeling quite weak. When your really panicky, do you fidget with your hands?? I wish I could be there to go with you to the hospital ❤ gives you a huggggeee hug ❤❤ I'll be back in a bit ❤ keep writing here about your feelings, it may help release some of that anxiety ❤
@Iamwhoiamwhoami YYY hey sweetie ❤ I hope your ok?
I really need to go sleep now ❤ sooooo ill🙁🙁
I hope your ok ❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤ I love you ❤
Hi. Hi everybody here at Iam's thread. I hope this will be a fine day for all of us, walking in the
light and love of God. (I'm the person who preaches - lol!). Warning to Tiny; I will talk of Jesus
Christ here. (When Tiny was held captive they told very bad things about JC - but still I have to
talk about him, my Saviour).
Isaiah 53:4-5
@Helgafy thanks for the warning, but I don't mind hearing about jesus, as long as we all have faith in something or someone, then we are in the right road ❤ I appreciate everything you write ❤ thanks Helga ❤ I love you ❤
@Iamwhoiamwhoami you haven't wrote much today, I hope your ok? 😶 *pulls worried face*
I gotta go ❤ I'll check in on you when I wake up ❤ I love you ❤
YYY
@Tinywhisper11
I have wanted to write but it is really difficult to grasp on to just one or two strands of thought lately. I think a big part of that is that the closer the surgeon appointment is that means the surgery is getting closer. I’m getting really nervous, worried, anxious and scared about going through with this surgery ordeal for some reason.
I am really struggling to write. Focus is really difficult.
You mentioned something about fidgeting with my hands, and before I was stuck at home bedridden, I suppose I did do that. But I think physically my nervous energy is mainly transferred through my entire body and I while I am laying down I rock back and forth., have been doing that a lot lately.
❤️ I hope you feel better soon ❤️ I am hugging you as well. I love you ❤️
I have off and on slept for I don’t know how long. I saw the last segments I wrote and it says it was written 4 hours ago. I read it and I don’t remember writing it. I am still struggling to keep my eyes open.
Trying to go back to sleep, I have a massive headache for some reason.
Better? What is better? People say that but in reality they are probably saying that in regards to something visual, something they can see.
If they could see the underlying layers, what would they say then?
If they could read my thoughts, or at least see the chaos in my head, what would they say?
If they could see a visual of my life both on the outside and inside of me. What would they say?
Probably that I need institutionalized for the rest of my life. Because most people don’t want to be around anyone that they can’t understand and therefore they can’t judge them.
If they knew the secrets about myself that I have to hide from society and therefore myself as well. What would they say?
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I understand so much of these questions. You have a way of articulating things beautifully. My stomach is in a knot thinking of you having to feel this way. I’m sorry that society and people are the way they are, and that you have to hide parts of you.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
Good morning to you Iam. I bless you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. You wrote; "If they knew the secrets about myself that I have to hide from society and therefore myself as well. What would they say?" You can tell all your secrets to God - He knows everything about you.
I want to wish you good luck with your examination tomorrow.