PiecesOfWhoeverIWas Member Profile

...See more I thought this might be a good section to write and sort things out in my head. For the longest time, my focus has been getting over things that happened to me. I was fixated mostly on relational traumas. I’ve dealt with a lot of extreme depression and anxiety when it comes to people. I’ve learned and worked through a lot. Some things have been good, like gaining new tools to cope. Some things have not been so good, like sobering realizations. I’ve had some reality checks about what the world is really like, what is reasonable and realistic. Relationships don’t really seem to be what I thought they were, whether it’s family, friends, or partners. I look back and have a lot of regret. I also have a lot of confusion, and I think this is my biggest problem. I don’t really understand human relationships. I see deeply how things play out between people, and have insight yet I don’t completely understand. What feels right to me appears to be foreign to other people. I can’t seem to figure out how to have basic relationships. I am fearful of people, while at the same time feeling lonely and desiring companionship. When an opportunity arises to make a friend, I find a reason why they will not be a good friend. I feel disgusted and disappointed by many people. I enjoy people’s company sometimes, depending on the person, and as long as the relationship maintains a certain constant distance. The problem is no longer external forces. Now the focus is me. This is different than the depression I’ve struggled with. I feel far gone and empty. I have this sense of mourning that I have missed (and I’m missing) out on an essential part of life. I’ve spent so much time and energy in fear, constantly finding ways to avoid being hurt. My mind functions differently than it used to. I can remember times when I was younger, liking people, enjoying company, feeling close to others. I can remember what it was like to be excited about life. I also remember moments where my thinking changed, where I told myself I’d never let anyone hurt me again, where I told myself I’d never be stupid like that again. The changes were little, and many, over a long period of time. I am unrecognizable to that girl now. Be very careful what you say to yourself, because you are listening. I need a spark. I need some magic in my heart. I want to feel hopeful and joyful, to feel human again. I have done so much work for myself with many things, but I don’t know where to start with this. It seems like the answer should be so simple. Every time I think I’ve got it, I realize this is anything but simple. It is like bringing a wilted plant back to life in a dark room. I don’t want to be in the dark anymore.

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