I am going to take a break as well, I have been struggling to keep up with the messages since I woke up and I’m a little frazzled, Focus , I can’t even say it’s fading because I don’t know if it’s had a chance to focus yet.

I think I mentioned earlier that I was trying to adjust my medication to three times a day to make it a little easier and less stressful trying to remember to take them on time or close enough to time or even to take them at all.

Unfortunately, the pain really increased trying to do that . So I’m back to trying the 5 or 6 times a day taking them. I think possibly with the pain medication being taken between the times for the nerve medication helps to relieve the pain a little better.

I did finish cleaning up the tv mess and hanging the new tv on the bracket. Nearly finished me off doing so but I suppose the hardest part of that is done.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I hope you had a restful break and are feeling less frazzled. ❤️

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas

A little less but , it’s just one of those days. One thing after the other. But thank you for asking.

@Helgafy

Thank you for your teachings today. I did enjoy reading them . Including the one describing the different types.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Well - I forgot romantic love - maybe the one most difficult.

@Helgafy ❤❤❤

As usual I lay here trapped with my thoughts. Tomorrow is Wednesday, my 2nd surgeon appointment is Friday morning. My anxieties are stirring the pot as well. Not so much about the appointment, I would think that would mainly revolve around receiving information regarding the surgery and possibly what comes after. The appointment probably won’t last more than a half hour, if that. I’m more thinking about the ride there and back. Granted it went ok the last trip. But my underlying nature doesn’t think that way. My anxieties prey on my negativity and expecting the worst or something similar.

So my brain I think starts playing the odds like a gambler or something. It went ok that time so chances are that this time it will go badly. Physically nothing has really changed regarding this recent addition. Medications are the same, plus the same plan for double dosing for the trip is the same . So one would think that there are no worries. No, not me and my anxieties.

They force feed their agenda into the rapid fire pinball game in my head and it must be a nonstop barrage of words for it to make it to the forefront of the strands of thoughts that I am able to grasp.

They don’t wait until the day of they do it many days in advance.

Before this latest ordeal I was beginning to really struggle with keeping things in check. They for the most part didn’t go into full blown panic attack mode in public, Over the years I have let myself have the anxiety attacks escalate to full panic attack in private, say for example going into town to get groceries, In order to help keep myself somewhat together in the store I would let things escalate on the drive in , then pull over to the side of the road and have the attack. Get myself back together a little bit and continue on to town. Sometimes I would have to do the same on the way home.

Now, stuck in bed with my thoughts, I have be limited say in my anxieties actions.

I am also stressing about the possibilities regarding how long I will have to wait for surgery. I have been off work for 2 and a half months and have had what, 4 or 5 appointments, including the one on Friday, during this time.

Losing focus….

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hello, it's understandable to be anxious, just keep doing breathing exercises and try to gently counter the negative assumptions with positive one till your appointment and we'll all hope that the surgery date be fixed and be sooner. You're doing good with all that's going on :) 

@BlueDarkAurora

Thank you.

It is nice to hear from you again.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami :D

@Tinywhisper11

YYY

I am thinking of you, hoping that you are feeling better.

❤️❤️ Embracing you in a warm loving embrace ❤️❤️

Switched the X’s to Y’s , hopefully you are ok with that.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami yyy yep yyy works too ❤ hugs you extra tightly to shoo! The worries away ❤ it's gonna be ok, I'm right there with you holding your hand, anxiety sucks 🙁 your mind sucks too🙂 but it's all gonna go just fine ❤and hoping and praying the surgery will be very soon. ❤ sorry I haven't been in here much the past two days, still feeling quite weak. When your really panicky, do you fidget with your hands?? I wish I could be there to go with you to the hospital ❤ gives you a huggggeee hug ❤❤ I'll be back in a bit ❤ keep writing here about your feelings, it may help release some of that anxiety ❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami YYY  hey sweetie ❤ I hope your ok?

 I really need to go sleep now ❤ sooooo ill🙁🙁

I hope your ok ❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤ I love you ❤

Hi. Hi everybody here at Iam's thread. I hope this will be a fine day for all of us, walking in the

light and love of God. (I'm the person who preaches - lol!). Warning to Tiny; I will talk of Jesus

Christ here. (When Tiny was held captive they told very bad things about JC - but still I have to

talk about him, my Saviour).

@Helgafy thanks for the warning, but I don't mind hearing about jesus, as long as we all have faith in something or someone, then we are in the right road ❤ I appreciate everything you write  ❤ thanks Helga ❤ I love you ❤

@Helgafy

Thank you….

@Iamwhoiamwhoami you haven't wrote much today, I hope your ok? 😶 *pulls worried face*

 I gotta go ❤ I'll check in on you when I wake up ❤ I love you ❤

YYY

@Tinywhisper11

I have wanted to write but it is really difficult to grasp on to just one or two strands of thought lately. I think a big part of that is that the closer the surgeon appointment is that means the surgery is getting closer. I’m getting really nervous, worried, anxious and scared about going through with this surgery ordeal for some reason.

I am really struggling to write. Focus is really difficult.

You mentioned something about fidgeting with my hands, and before I was stuck at home bedridden, I suppose I did do that. But I think physically my nervous energy is mainly transferred through my entire body and I while I am laying down I rock back and forth., have been doing that a lot lately.

❤️ I hope you feel better soon ❤️ I am hugging you as well. I love you ❤️

I have off and on slept for I don’t know how long. I saw the last segments I wrote and it says it was written 4 hours ago. I read it and I don’t remember writing it. I am still struggling to keep my eyes open.

Trying to go back to sleep, I have a massive headache for some reason.

Better? What is better? People say that but in reality they are probably saying that in regards to something visual, something they can see.

If they could see the underlying layers, what would they say then?

If they could read my thoughts, or at least see the chaos in my head, what would they say?

If they could see a visual of my life both on the outside and inside of me. What would they say?

Probably that I need institutionalized for the rest of my life. Because most people don’t want to be around anyone that they can’t understand and therefore they can’t judge them.

If they knew the secrets about myself that I have to hide from society and therefore myself as well. What would they say?

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I understand so much of these questions. You have a way of articulating things beautifully. My stomach is in a knot thinking of you having to feel this way. I’m sorry that society and people are the way they are, and that you have to hide parts of you. 

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas

Thank you. The thing is, how many others are struggling in similar ways for the same reasons?

I do appreciate your kindness.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Good morning to you Iam. I bless you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. You wrote; "If they knew the secrets about myself that I have to hide from society and therefore myself as well. What would they say?" You can tell all your secrets to God - He knows everything about you.

I want to wish you good luck with your examination tomorrow.

@Helgafy

Thank you. I am hoping that they will give me the details on paper so I can write it here and then it will be easier for me to look at and remind me of it and for those of you that are interested then you will know as well.

Just woke up from another short nap. Still have a headache.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami YYY when I say I hope you feel better. I mean it as when your anxiety goes up, I hope it goes down to your normal level soon ❤ maybe you have a anxiety headache, from stressful thoughts. I'm just popping on here quickly to check in on you ❤ I keep getting to dizzy to spend time here🙁 make sure you have every thing ready, I'm hugging you tightly, and always thinking about you ❤ and whatever surgery you need, we'll get through it together ok? I love you so much ❤❤ always and forever ❤

YYY

@Tinywhisper11

I apologize for that segment seemingly sounding like it was directed towards you and what your intentions were.

Thinking about what you said just triggered my thoughts about similar words coming from many other people in the “real world “ over the course of my life. It also reflects people in the “real world” saying it to other people as well.

I think the people here understand or at least try to. This community has a closer bond with everyone here. Their insight into their own issues gives them a different view on what others are experiencing. I’m starting to go off track.,my focus is really slipping.

❤️❤️ Please, take care of yourself. If it means that I worry a little bit, possibly a lot, about you. So be it. You’re a very important and special person to me. And like you said, we’ll get through it together. ❤️❤️. I’m embracing you snugly as well.❤️❤️ I love you ❤️❤️ always and forever ❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami no don't worry I know you didn't direct it at me ❤ 🙂 I just had to stop and think, cause yeah it's not the best thing to say to people ❤

@Tinywhisper11

I think it is ok to say to people. It’s the meaning and intentions behind the words people say that are the important part. You and the others here know that there is more beneath the surface and when you speak words like that you are directing them towards the whole picture not just part of it. ❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm here for a little bit now ❤ I'm feeling ok after I just took my meds,so want to come and see if you want to talk for a while ❤ 

have you got everything ready for tommorow?? 

@Tinywhisper11

I am the one that is not feeling the greatest now. I still have a massive headache and so I’m probably not going to be readily available to talk. I’m sorry for that❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm having one of those evenings where I'm constantly thirsty. I've drunk 3 bottles of water in the la st hour, now drinking tea 😁

@Tinywhisper11

That is where my desire to drink water went, you have it.

I have had to try and force myself to drink. It makes my stomach upset trying to drink.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm listening to relaxing Xmas hymns😁 and no it's not to early😁

do you have any idea what the kind of surgery is gonna be? Or what you would like it to be?? 

@Tinywhisper11

If that’s what you want to listen to and it makes you happy. Who am I to judge?

As far as the surgery, I’m not exactly sure. Tomorrow I should know better. I think the first surgeon said something about shaving down one of the discs. But I don’t remember what he said. I will try and remember to write it here when I can tomorrow.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami good luck for tommorow ❤ I'm holding your hand the whole time, your gonna be ok ❤ hopefully I'll be able to come and talk to you before you go ❤❤ giant hugs I love you ❤