Ramblings 3

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Iam. You're having a really bad time now. I wrap you up in the arms of your Father in heaven.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami yeah I was hoping the surgery would of already been put in place for you, and everything was gonna happen quick for you🙁 anger is something I don't really ever feel. But I get how angry, disappointing, upsetting this must all be for you🙁 especially knowing how much pain your in, and with your mental struggles. I'm so sorry sweetie. I'll be here waiting for you, whenever your ready to talk ❤ giving up sometimes feels like the only option left 🙁you are strong, remember that ❤ I'll be here waiting for you ❤

@Tinywhisper11

Beautiful written Tiny.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 

I apologize for not responding to anyone . I believe I said that I wasn’t going to be here for awhile yet. But I feel a responsibility, an obligation to my friends, my family here to at the very least write a little update. Little update? I don’t know if that is possible for me.

First off, I love each and every one of you ❤️❤️❤️. And I am blessed with the presence of each and every one of you.

I am thankful for your kindness and support, I am still not in a good place right now, I will probably still ramble, but I am struggling with nearly every word I am writing here. So the time it’s taking is probably 5 times longer than it normally would take me.

I’m also having trouble focusing my eyes, so I will try a doctor appointment timeline….

Head surgeon consultation appointment yesterday…consultation with surgeon performing the surgery is on October 4th (I think , I still haven’t looked at the paperwork from yesterday), ……Supposedly then surgery would be scheduled…from there I don’t know.

I was under the impression that yesterday’s appointment was with the surgeon performing the surgery and that the surgery appointment would be next. I was wrong. The surgeon yesterday at least attempted to get a sooner appointment with the next surgeon. He actually put ASAP due to pain in his report. It didn’t accomplish anything but he tried. First one to expedite the process.

As far as me , I am struggling more and more everyday. I keep finding a new low point it seems, on a regular basis.

I probably will come back here and lurk, but I don’t know about writing anything. I just want to lay here and it sounds stupid but I just want to lay here and rock back and forth until the 4th. that is it.

Even though I am saying it from my darkest of darkness,

❤️❤️ I love you all, and thank you ❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami It's okay<3 You don't have to write if writing isn't comfortable yet. I do appreciate you updating us regarding the situation and it is really disappointing and frustrating that there's more waiting. It feels like that to me so I can only imagine the pain and anger it must be causing in you. I'm glad the doctor did acknowledge your pain and put Asap in his report and I really hope it helps speed up the process. 

I won't tell you to be hopeful or positive about this situation cause you've held on for so long waiting for this appointment and for there to be more wait is just devastating. But please feel what you need to, express what you have to and let yourself hold on again. You made it this far and you can make it till the surgery too. Hopefully after that this will all feel like a nightmare that you survived. We are all with you always.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami yep exactly what aurora wrote. We are here whenever your ready to talk and share. Just know you are loved and deeply cared for. Hugs you tightly ❤❤ even when you give up on you, I never will ❤

Thinking about you all and sending good vibes and love everyone's way ❤️

Doing the same <3 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hi lurker ❤❤ remember your appointment next week, make sure you prepare yourself for the journey ❤ and remember I'm still right here with you ❤ hugs you tightly ❤❤ I love you

@Iamwhoiamwhoami pain levels are very high, so I'm calling it a day ❤ just wanted to say.... Goodnight angel ❤ I hope your ok! I hope your sleeping well ❤ I love you ❤

@Tinywhisper11 don't forget to take your meds, stick to the times you write down ❤❤

It’s not a matter of strength anymore it’s a matter of want

@Tinywhisper11

I am sorry for not being here for you. You are in my thoughts, ❤️ I am still not in a good place. I have no hope anymore regarding myself. But for you and everyone else here I do. I honestly don’t know what I am doing minute to minute much less the future. I have no desire to write here anymore, however I feel a responsibility to all of you here, especially you. ❤️❤️❤️ I love you, I still am holding my hug even though it may feel a bit shaky right now ❤️❤️❤️

I can’t even express how sorry I feel for what you are going through. Please continue writing here and do not give up. You might not feel it but you are needed here and in your physical life. I believe the universe gave us all a role to play in life even if we are sometimes not sure what it is. Thank you for caring and feeling responsible to people here, we care for you! 💙.

@amiablePeace77

Friend - it's OK. I see you and others also in movies use the word "universe". I wonder so much who this "universe" is. 

@Helgafy

We have all different opinions about what God, the Universe or similar beliefs are. For me the universe is a power higher than me. The universe offers us ways to come together, to love and embrace each other without judgment, it shows us ways in mindfulness to be peaceful, kind and how to protect ourselves but the universe does not solve our problems - it shows directions, and we need to open our hearts to see them. 

@amiablePeace77

Hi. Hi. For me it is good that I know the Creator, God, Jesus Christ - not an unpersonal power as the "universe", but a personal power that can see, think, love.

@Helgafy

Nice that you found the anchor that helps you in life!

@amiablePeace77

Thank you ami. And I still have to say; I don't understand why people worship the creation and not the Creator. For me it is like saying - oh - that painting made itself. Why not accept there is an artist behind the painting/creation.

@amiablePeace77

Thank you.

I appreciate your sentiments, I am accepting of everything that you have said except for one part of it. The words regarding my being needed here just doesn’t register as realistic to me.

I know I am not needed in my physical life. I have been off work and bedridden for over two months, nobody has tried to visit me or contact me regarding how I am doing. I struggle to get to the mailbox or throw trash in my dumpster, or periodically start my truck , and I am literally hobbled over in extreme pain and the local people just drive on by. Yes I am a hermit. Which is also proof in my eyes that I am not needed or cared about in my physical life. I have to pay those people who pick up and deliver my medication. I have to pay the people driving me to my surgeon appointments and then surgery.

I may be missed for a few seconds when I pass on, but that will be all and then it’ll be business as usual.

Here , I possibly will be missed a few moments longer.

That’s the life I have led and I am the only one to blame for that.

Thank you, I do appreciate your support and kindness. ❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

We never know how much we help others by making posts or sending messages, never know how much someone really benefits from it for their own life. You and everyone else here might make a much bigger impact than thought. This is my belief, but it might not be the belief of others. 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Pardon me;

You most certainly are needed and need to learn to love yourself again ❤️ care for all your needs and recluse if being around people is uncomfortable. I have a few friends like that and one just wouldn't take a hint that I needed space so I've ignored his calls a couple of days because he tries to get me to explain things. He triggers me, he is a war hardened Marine, and I am dealing with bad PTSD and need my alone time so I can focus. One day at a time. The other day I made my bed and it still looks good. I cut my hair and for some reason I always feel so much better after I clean up and trim. Keep your head up. From what I read about it seems you most likely are in a manic state, so try to slow it down and take a few deep breaths. We are all here for you!! Think positive thoughts and make a 3 or 4 item to do list, then do #1

We all go through it and then the clouds clear and the sun shines brightly again. Looking back you will always give yourself credit and a sense of accomplishment.  Smiling creates endorphins that make you smile for real!!

Ttys, Day 🤗

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Iam.

At 7cups you can have as many onlinefriends (listeners) as you want to. I hope you find a good onlinefriend with the listener you have now. 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami just keep posting so we know you are okay.

The only failure is quitting.

@soulsings

Hi soul - I have been quitting - and guess what happened - nothing.

@soulsings

Thank you for everything you’ve done for me, I do appreciate you.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami it's ok angel, take your time ❤ just know we are all here for you, when you are ready ❤ I'm always hugging you too, and steadying your shakey hug ❤ hopefully in a few days, you'll feel a bit better, maybe the  fight in you will come back. When we finally meet, the first thing we are gonna do, is go sit by the seaside, eat icecream, and watch the sunset. You can pick the second thing? 😁 hugs you tightly, keeps you close to my heart ❤ I love you ❤

@Tinywhisper11

Thank you ❤️❤️. When we finally meet, I will be perfectly happy with being wherever you want to be, as long as I am with you that would be the near perfect experience, the only thing lacking would be all of the other people that we have been blessed to have in our lives here being with us as well. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ But to be completely honest, the first time we meet I want it to be you, me and your caregivers. I know that is selfish of me. Part of that is my anxieties, the other part is that we could get to know each other better and enjoy the experiences together with minimal distractions. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

💕💕💕💕. I love you, I think a little strength is coming back in my embrace 💕💕💕💕

@Iamwhoiamwhoami awwww you really are the sweetest angel alive ❤❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami when all hope is gone, let love carry you through

@Tinywhisper11

❤️❤️Still maintaining hug, I love you ❤️ ❤️ I hope you are doing better. You’re still in my thoughts, regardless of my personal status.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami together forever no matter what happens ❤❤ hugs you tightly back ❤🙂 you know I have 2 angels by my side, Joshua (my son) and you, my chosen family, and fear friend ❤ me and you together can overcome all theese obstacles ❤ but for now, it's ok to go through the emotions, to feel defeated. I understand how upsetting and hard life can be. But I'm here for you ❤ ❤❤ 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I kinda left it to the last minute to let you know I won't be around for a few days, but don't worry I'll be back, as soon as I can ❤ nothing to worry about you just focus on getting yourself better ❤ I'm still gonna be hugging you and holding your hand, the whole time ❤ I love you ❤

@Tinywhisper11

It’s not like I have been here for you to tell me anything.

I’m guessing surgery? ❤️❤️❤️Hopefully everything goes better than expected ❤️❤️❤️

Even though I am in the mindset that I am, and my strength is weak, ❤️❤️❤️❤️I still hold you in my arms ( I have superglued my hands together to make sure that I never let you go) , I love you ❤️❤️❤️❤️.

You are in my thoughts regularly as well as the others. I just can’t bring myself to write here. I did turn sound back up so I can hear if someone leaves a message, unless I am sleeping I should hear it if it is sent to me. I will probably come and read it but probably not respond . I’m sorry.

@Tinywhisper11

I hope your surgery goes beyond smoothly, I hope that your recovery goes great, and that your pain continues to diminish to the level of zero pain. You are always in my thoughts no matter what I am dealing with mentally and/or physically, you always will be. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️I Love You and continue to embrace you. ❤️❤️❤️❤️💕💕💕

I am sorry for failing Tiny and not struggling through and being here for her strongly like I should’ve. I failed her. I am sorry.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami You haven't failed anyone Iam. Sometimes we're all going through our own personal h*lls and can't be there for everyone. I think Tiny knows and understands this. More importantly I think it the fact that she knows you care about her and that she's in your thoughts ❤️

@mytwistedsoul

Thank you and are probably right as always. Maybe someday I will have less self doubt.

❤️