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Ramblings 3

Iamwhoiamwhoami December 31st, 2023

Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.

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Tinywhisper11 September 25th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm not sure what listener thing your giving up on. But you don't need a listener, you have friends here who will stay by yourside forever ❤ and guess what you do fit in to the community, you fit in right here, with us. I would think most people only have a few real friends, or family they can trust. And here we have that in each other ❤ please never doubt your importance in our eyes ❤ I love you, I will always be beside you, and I will sit in the darkness with you, trying to shine my light to guide you through ❤ hugs you tightly ❤

1 reply
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 25th

@Tinywhisper11

I started conversing with a listener, I have thought about it for quite awhile off and on. I have always brushed it off because of what you said, I have all of you. I somewhat reluctantly reached out to one and we sent a few messages back and forth, I haven’t heard from them in a week, but we agreed on no set times or schedule. They would write their message, possibly listing some questions for me to answer to maybe lead me or them to finding something in the puzzle that is me that may help me change path and shine some more light in. I would respond with my ramblings at my own timeframe and they would respond back in their own timeframe.

This is what I have tried to rely on my friends for. I just have been overrun by the darkest thoughts far too often since I have been bedridden, and I got desperate. That kind of desperation has led me towards voluntary hospital care at times over the span of my life. Those experiences in those hospitals have reinforced the fact that hospitals do not hold the cure for whatever is at the root of whatever you want to call it collectively.

I have realized that I rely on you and my other friends with your messages of support when I force myself to back away, they do reach me and they truly do help me. I am especially grateful and thankful for having friends like all of you that continue to reach out to me even when I am at that level.❤️❤️❤️. I want to open my arms for a giant group hug, but someone super glued my hands together, so I will maintain my hug with Tiny and she can continue to spread the hugs❤️❤️❤️. I am forever fortunate and thankful for having you by my side, especially you Tiny, ❤️❤️❤️💕💕

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Tinywhisper11 September 26th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami don't worry about us gluing our hands together, everyone else can hug from around us😁 ❤ it's in the darkest of times, we tend to shy away from others, but their actually the times we need each other the most, and we are always here for each other when we are ready to talk ❤ I understand as much as possible, how you felt before this stupid medical thing taking over, now all the pain mentally and physically had doubled for you😥 and I got one, will wait for you during the silent times, sit with you through the dark times, and hug you forever ❤❤ my special angel, I'm so very proud of you for everything you've gone through, for the strength you carry, you are a survivor🙂 we both are ❤ you can get through this I know you can ❤ hugs you tightly ❤ I love you ❤

1 reply
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 26th

@Tinywhisper11

❤️❤️❤️💕 Thank you, you say the most beautiful things 💕❤️❤️❤️

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Tinywhisper11 September 26th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 26th

@Tinywhisper11

💕💕. I hope today has been better than yesterday, I love you 💕💕

1 reply
Tinywhisper11 September 26th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hey, we both thought about each other at the same time ❤😁

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Tinywhisper11 September 26th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami gooood morning ❤ oh wait it's only 9pm. Damn! I can't wait to get out of here, it's messing my already messed up sleep routine up🙁  I'm so tired I don't even know what to write. That's not like me, I normally don't shut up. I'll be back in a bit, maybe try sleep again. I love you ❤❤

9 replies
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 26th

@Tinywhisper11

💕💕💕I continue to wrap you in a warm embrace and whisper quietly that I love you 💕💕. Sweet dreams…..💤 💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤

8 replies
Tinywhisper11 September 26th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 🙂❤ thanks sweetie ❤ lies in your arms and closed my eyes ❤

7 replies
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 26th

@Tinywhisper11

I will try not to snore……💕💕💕💕💕💕

6 replies
Tinywhisper11 September 26th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami if you snore, I'm whacking you in the head😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

5 replies
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 26th

@Tinywhisper11

You never know, that might make it worse…..

4 replies
Tinywhisper11 September 26th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 duct tape it is then😂😂😂

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Tinywhisper11 September 26th

@Tinywhisper11 goodnight angel ❤

1 reply
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 26th

@Tinywhisper11

Goodnight angel ❤️

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 26th

@Tinywhisper11

Whatever works so you sleep soundly and dream peacefully.💕💕💕💕

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 27th

Trigger warning for mention of trauma and childhood trauma and sexual abuse


Everyone knows I don’t have any beliefs at all regarding my future ever being anything better than it is right now, I guess you could say that this moment is the best moment of the rest of my life. I periodically feel a slight sense of hope that things will improve, and then I get slapped with a reality check.

Take my dreams for example. I have had some really strange dreams for quite awhile. I don’t know how long they have actually been going on but it has been for awhile. Anyway, they have been really realistic yet they are very strange in the way that they contain way too many different scenarios that make not a bit of sense in the way they interconnect in the dreams.

I now think that most of the events in my dreams are based in fact regarding actual experiences in my life. Just certain moments and activities that are relevant to each specific reality are intermixed with other moments.

I will try and explain what I mean by this using a couple of examples of different activities that other people do.

1) Going for a bike ride

2) Going to bed

3) Riding in a plane

In my dream it may start off with sitting in a seat on a plane and looking out the window or around the plane at the other passengers , then I would get up to all down the aisle to the bathroom, then I would be racing up and down the aisles on a bicycle, then one by one the other passengers would join in. I would then open the door of the plane and ride out of the plane down the hall of a familiar house yet someplace I don’t quite remember ., but I ride up the stairs and into bed. Yes I said ride into bed. Tucking myself under the covers.

My dreams are mainly all like this. At times taking traumatic events from my childhood and individually taking moments from each one and intermixing them among the others sometimes intermixing childhood traumas with adulthood traumas. There are many other things mixed into these throw together scenarios in my dreams. Places that seem so familiar to me yet I don’t know where they are or when they are or were . Activities like bike riding, playing football, playing video games that I know existed I don’t remember their names, writing on a computer and making some kind of video games. There are many other snippets of things like that in my dreams as well, however the details of how things play out in my dreams are very obvious that details are way out of sync with how things should play out.

The details of many certain things and events are very vivid and those certain details are consistent among all my dreams, ok well the last few I can remember without the fog that gets thicker with time passing. I have some doubts about myself regarding my memories of events anymore. And I f it wasn’t for the fact that lately I’ve had these dreams/nightmares in vivid details but with no intermixing of events. Traumas from my childhood seem to be especially prevalent right now in my sleepy time videos in my head. There are other events that seem to be of me at a young age that are not traumatic and they also play out in a completely normal/believable manner.

This makes me believe that these events are actual events that happened to me in my life. What I wake up , I remember, most of the time , just about every major thing that occurred in my dream. For better or worse I remember. And then I try to forget those things. I haven’t had any of these dreams that I’ve remembered that consist solely of one event, just that each event plays out like a short scene in a movie or play . Say for example, an event where I was riding my bike would start with going over to the bike in a familiar garage and getting on and riding say around the neighborhood, which also seems eerily familiar yet I can’t seem to place it, and I would see the houses in detail as I pass them, some of the people as well, but anyway the details of the bike ride are all familiar and in an order that makes complete sense. Then I finish up the ride back in the same garage that I started in. I would go in the house and go to a room that I can only assume is my bedroom and I lay down in bed and go to sleep,

Then I am jolted awake in my dream and when I am able to focus I see the face of the one who abused me, and I am being sexually abused by this thing this beast of a supposed person, I was physically feeling the things that were happening to me. The thing is I don’t wake up in reality yet.

I do however wake up in my dream and I go to the bathroom and lock the door behind me and look in the mirror and think those darkest of thoughts, then I strip and crawl in the tub and start running the water, both hot and cold opened all the way, and as the water started to fill the tub , so did the tears down my cheeks. I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed my skin wanting to make any part of it that had contact with that thing, that person, to disappear down the drain. After a long bath Idry off go to my room and get dressed and then walk through the house and outside and start playing basketball by myself.

There are other events in this particular dream that happen, but I think you get the idea. Too many details for me to believe that these things are anything but based mainly in reality.

I am struggling quite a bit, I need to stop for now .

4 replies
Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami in theese dreams, when it becomes to real or to tense/frightening, is that when the scenario shifts?

maybe your brain doesn't want to hide anymore, or remain in the darkness. I guess at some point we all will start to remember the parts that of our lives, where for some reason we forgot, or blocked out. Dreams can be terrifying🙁 especially the ones where you can feel just like in real life.

I'm not really sure what to say here, I don't look into what dreams mean, or their supposed concepts. Cause everyones views are different, and all just guesses. If you are interested in possibilities of what theese dreams might mean, perhaps make a forum thread, see what others think ❤

1 reply
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 27th

@Tinywhisper11

In my dreams, the jumbled up ones not the other ones change when too intense, but I have woke up at certain times before when they got too intense.

I am not really interested into figuring out what they mean or anything. I just lay out here what thought strands I am able to grasp onto. For the most part right here is where they belong.

❤️❤️❤️

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Helgafy September 27th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

20. juni 2023 — Dreams are impartial, spontaneous products of the unconscious psyche, outside the control of the will.”, explains Jung

Hi Iam.

Carl Jung is writing about "The psychology of dreams." There is also a video to watch if you're interested. (And - if you're interested - If you believe that Jesus Christ took all you shame to the cross - You are clean, white as snow before God).


1 reply
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 27th

Thank you ❤️

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Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami on your last message at the top you wrote 'I guess this moment could be the best moment of the rest of my life' 

that's very true, and a good thing to try and remember ❤ I wonder what the world would be like, if everyone lived each day as if it were their last. I bet most would choose to do something their to afraid to do.

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 27th

@Tinywhisper11

My interpretation of that statement I made , to me means that the supposed best moment was when I was born, or conceived or whenever your beliefs state that life supposedly begins. And every moment from there life begins to get worse.

life will never be as good as the moment before.

That is the way my mind reads and interprets it. Unfortunately, always in the negative . ❤️

1 reply
Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami don't worry I carry enough positivity for us both ❤❤

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Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami the doctor said I'm allowed to go home now😁❤ but my carers are busy, and can't come get me till tomorrow. I'm really excited about going home tommorow, can't wait to get out of this place ❤

hugs you tightly ❤❤ I love you ❤

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 27th

@Tinywhisper11

That is great news! I bet that will feel great to get back home . 💕💕💕 I love you. Still holding onto you in a snuggly warm embrace 💕💕💕

1 reply
Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami awww ❤❤❤ I love you ❤

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mytwistedsoul September 27th

@Tinywhisper11 Hey this is awesome! Your little piggies will be so happy and excited to see you! ❤️ 😊

1 reply
Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@mytwistedsoul yaaaaay ❤❤❤

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Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm gonna go to the 50+ room, see what the discussion is ❤❤

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 27th

@Tinywhisper11

Ok, have fun with all the old folks. Whenever you come back here, I was wondering what the name of your piggies are. I’m sure you told me at some point, I just can’t remember.

❤️❤️❤️

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Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I left the room early, cause I wanted to say goodnight to you before I go ❤❤ their names are pig, sparrow and runt 😁 they are all brothers ❤

8 replies
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 27th

@Tinywhisper11

I missed you again due to my writing more ramblings, anyway, thank you for telling me their names, I will probably forget them again , but I will try not to. I actually think I remember what you said your name was.

❤️❤️good night sweetest of all angels ❤️❤️

7 replies
Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂 it's ok, you can ask me their names as often as you like, I know your not great with stuff like that ❤❤ my name is Lola ❤  after I was rescued, one of the nurses in the hospital, would sit with me for hours, keeping me calm, and talking to me about things. She mentioned if she had a daughter she would have named her Lola. I didn't have a name, so I chose Lola ❤❤

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 27th

❤️❤️Lola is a beautiful name. ❤️❤️

Love

Overflowing

Loveliness

Abound

5 replies
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 27th

@Tinywhisper11

❤️❤️ Lola is a beautiful name ❤️❤️


Love

Overflowing

Loveliness

Abound

4 replies
Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami awwww ❤❤❤ that's really sweet ❤❤ I'm not asleep yet 😁 I changed my pfp to pass time ❤

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 27th

@Tinywhisper11

pfp ? What is that?

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Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami my profile picture. The little photo that comes up by my name ❤

1 reply
Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Tinywhisper11 it's so small you probably can't see it, I think if you press on it, it gets bigger ❤

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 27th

The time just moves so slowly, watching the second hand on the clock and it doesn’t seem to even be moving at all. I turn and look at the digital clock and mark the time down, ok, I turn back around and watch the second hand again, strange but it seems to be in the same place as before. It still seems like it still is not moving. I focus on the whole clock and the time is way off.

I hobble out of bed and over to the clock and take it down and test the battery and imagine that, dead battery, no wonder the second hand wasn’t moving. So I install a new battery, set the time , and fight with hanging back up it on the wall.

Once again it seems like the second hand isn’t moving . I compare the time with my digital clock again and the time is already off a couple minutes.

So, once again I hobble out of bed, to the clock take it down and test the battery….yes you guessed it, dead. I test the next new battery and it is good. I repeat the process of adjusting time, hanging the clock and crawling into bed. I glance at the clock and lo and behold time is progressing again, still slowly but moving.

4 replies
Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂 stupid clock😁 to me time doesnt have much meaning, my clock goes by what my body is feeling. It's a nice way to live not having to watch the clock. Although if I didn't have people doing everything for me, time would become a neccessity.

hey did you manage to get a new pair of glasses after?? I'm not sure if you can order them over the phone where you live?

4 replies
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 27th

@Tinywhisper11

I remembered the new safety glasses that were in my work truck. I stumbled my way to the truck and brought them in.

I have to schedule an appointment with an eye doctor and go in town to see them and get a new prescription, then I can order new glasses. I could chance ordering a new pair or two on the current expired prescription but these are not as helpful as they once were. If I break these right now, I would have to order a pair or two just to get by. ❤️❤️

1 reply
Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami awww bless you, thank God for the spare pair in your truck ❤ yes, eyes are very important to get checked, but we can worry about that, when your better ❤❤

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Helgafy September 28th

@Tinywhisper11

Tiny - think of that. In heaven we're out of time - no time there!

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Tinywhisper11 September 30th

@Helgafy oh that's right ❤ there is no time in heaven, maybe part of me is already there ❤🙂

Tinywhisper11 September 30th

@Helgafy Helga, when we get to heaven, we will all still know each other and be friends won't we??

2 replies
Helgafy September 30th

@Tinywhisper11

Helga, when we get to heaven, we will all still know each other and be friends won't we?

Of course Tiny. We'll all be surrounded by the wonderful light and love of God. The Bible teaches: There will be no sun because God himself will be their light. An artistic friend of me said we'll all be around 25 (lol!) - because then we're fully developed. At 27 on this earth we start to get old already - some grey hairs etc. (lol). Newton is famous for his teaching of physics. He taught that here our dimentions are length, hight, breadth and time. (But he also said that everything is relative - that's another big lesson).

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Tinywhisper11 September 30th

@Helgafy your wisdom and faith, makes my faith stronger, I have so much to learn from you ❤❤ I'm really glad we'll all still be youthful friends in heaven. And I believe our disabilities will be gone too. You will be free of all the pain, and be able to walk around and live a good life ❤

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