Ramblings 3

Thank you….

I just reread this and I say again Thank you ❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I agree with soul, I was drawn to you because of your honesty ❤ me and soul, are always very honest people too. And helgafy and soul, aurora, ami. We are all very honest people like you ❤ i often have dreams where we are all friends outside of the computer🙂 they are my favourite dreams ❤ but we still have that connection, that friendship right here at cups ❤  I will never get tired of listening to you, and talking to you. You hold a special place in my heart ❤and always will ❤

@Tinywhisper11

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ I am and always will be thankful for all of you. And those rare times when I ca focus enough on certain things, I sometimes try to explain to you (my friends collectively) , about how my mind sometimes works. By doing this I hope that you can understand that nothing that I say is in any way directly reflective of what any of you say or mean.

Sometimes my ramblings occur because I sometimes over explain things. I don’t ever want to lose any of you as friends.

I would try to rattle off names but even if I could write a few, I would forget many others. Which reminds me, there are many things I write here, whether it’s to you or someone else, that include all of my friends. Unfortunately there are only a few names I remember somewhat ok. Which is really disappointing to me because I can’t reach out to them when I am thinking of people who I have conversed with in the past but I only remember parts of names, or conversations, or just the fact I may stray out and lurk elsewhere in this community and I may see a name that seems familiar but I can’t remember when or if I actually conversed with them.

I did it once more. I will wrap this segment up and then reread your next message and respond.

❤️❤️❤️❤️ I love you as well as the rest of my friends, well, you I might love a little more just don’t tell the others. 🤫🤐 ❤️❤️❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😁 it's ok I won't tell them, I'm sure they've worked that out themselves by now though ❤😁❤ I can't speak for others except soul, you will never loose me or soul ❤ and there's nothing you could ever say it do, to break this special friendship between us ❤ I love you ❤❤I'm gonna try and sleep for a bit ❤ how has your sleep been lately?? Hugs you tightly, goodnight angel ❤

@Tinywhisper11

My sleep has been erratic to say the least.

💕💕Sweet dreams my angel, I wrap you in my arms with your head on my shoulder. 💕💕

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm not sure what listener thing your giving up on. But you don't need a listener, you have friends here who will stay by yourside forever ❤ and guess what you do fit in to the community, you fit in right here, with us. I would think most people only have a few real friends, or family they can trust. And here we have that in each other ❤ please never doubt your importance in our eyes ❤ I love you, I will always be beside you, and I will sit in the darkness with you, trying to shine my light to guide you through ❤ hugs you tightly ❤

@Tinywhisper11

I started conversing with a listener, I have thought about it for quite awhile off and on. I have always brushed it off because of what you said, I have all of you. I somewhat reluctantly reached out to one and we sent a few messages back and forth, I haven’t heard from them in a week, but we agreed on no set times or schedule. They would write their message, possibly listing some questions for me to answer to maybe lead me or them to finding something in the puzzle that is me that may help me change path and shine some more light in. I would respond with my ramblings at my own timeframe and they would respond back in their own timeframe.

This is what I have tried to rely on my friends for. I just have been overrun by the darkest thoughts far too often since I have been bedridden, and I got desperate. That kind of desperation has led me towards voluntary hospital care at times over the span of my life. Those experiences in those hospitals have reinforced the fact that hospitals do not hold the cure for whatever is at the root of whatever you want to call it collectively.

I have realized that I rely on you and my other friends with your messages of support when I force myself to back away, they do reach me and they truly do help me. I am especially grateful and thankful for having friends like all of you that continue to reach out to me even when I am at that level.❤️❤️❤️. I want to open my arms for a giant group hug, but someone super glued my hands together, so I will maintain my hug with Tiny and she can continue to spread the hugs❤️❤️❤️. I am forever fortunate and thankful for having you by my side, especially you Tiny, ❤️❤️❤️💕💕

@Iamwhoiamwhoami don't worry about us gluing our hands together, everyone else can hug from around us😁 ❤ it's in the darkest of times, we tend to shy away from others, but their actually the times we need each other the most, and we are always here for each other when we are ready to talk ❤ I understand as much as possible, how you felt before this stupid medical thing taking over, now all the pain mentally and physically had doubled for you😥 and I got one, will wait for you during the silent times, sit with you through the dark times, and hug you forever ❤❤ my special angel, I'm so very proud of you for everything you've gone through, for the strength you carry, you are a survivor🙂 we both are ❤ you can get through this I know you can ❤ hugs you tightly ❤ I love you ❤

@Tinywhisper11

❤️❤️❤️💕 Thank you, you say the most beautiful things 💕❤️❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 

@Tinywhisper11

💕💕. I hope today has been better than yesterday, I love you 💕💕

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hey, we both thought about each other at the same time ❤😁

@Iamwhoiamwhoami gooood morning ❤ oh wait it's only 9pm. Damn! I can't wait to get out of here, it's messing my already messed up sleep routine up🙁  I'm so tired I don't even know what to write. That's not like me, I normally don't shut up. I'll be back in a bit, maybe try sleep again. I love you ❤❤

@Tinywhisper11

💕💕💕I continue to wrap you in a warm embrace and whisper quietly that I love you 💕💕. Sweet dreams…..💤 💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤💤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 🙂❤ thanks sweetie ❤ lies in your arms and closed my eyes ❤

@Tinywhisper11

I will try not to snore……💕💕💕💕💕💕

@Iamwhoiamwhoami if you snore, I'm whacking you in the head😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

@Tinywhisper11

You never know, that might make it worse…..

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 duct tape it is then😂😂😂

@Tinywhisper11 goodnight angel ❤

@Tinywhisper11

Goodnight angel ❤️

@Tinywhisper11

Whatever works so you sleep soundly and dream peacefully.💕💕💕💕

Trigger warning for mention of trauma and childhood trauma and sexual abuse

Everyone knows I don’t have any beliefs at all regarding my future ever being anything better than it is right now, I guess you could say that this moment is the best moment of the rest of my life. I periodically feel a slight sense of hope that things will improve, and then I get slapped with a reality check.

Take my dreams for example. I have had some really strange dreams for quite awhile. I don’t know how long they have actually been going on but it has been for awhile. Anyway, they have been really realistic yet they are very strange in the way that they contain way too many different scenarios that make not a bit of sense in the way they interconnect in the dreams.

I now think that most of the events in my dreams are based in fact regarding actual experiences in my life. Just certain moments and activities that are relevant to each specific reality are intermixed with other moments.

I will try and explain what I mean by this using a couple of examples of different activities that other people do.

1) Going for a bike ride

2) Going to bed

3) Riding in a plane

In my dream it may start off with sitting in a seat on a plane and looking out the window or around the plane at the other passengers , then I would get up to all down the aisle to the bathroom, then I would be racing up and down the aisles on a bicycle, then one by one the other passengers would join in. I would then open the door of the plane and ride out of the plane down the hall of a familiar house yet someplace I don’t quite remember ., but I ride up the stairs and into bed. Yes I said ride into bed. Tucking myself under the covers.

My dreams are mainly all like this. At times taking traumatic events from my childhood and individually taking moments from each one and intermixing them among the others sometimes intermixing childhood traumas with adulthood traumas. There are many other things mixed into these throw together scenarios in my dreams. Places that seem so familiar to me yet I don’t know where they are or when they are or were . Activities like bike riding, playing football, playing video games that I know existed I don’t remember their names, writing on a computer and making some kind of video games. There are many other snippets of things like that in my dreams as well, however the details of how things play out in my dreams are very obvious that details are way out of sync with how things should play out.

The details of many certain things and events are very vivid and those certain details are consistent among all my dreams, ok well the last few I can remember without the fog that gets thicker with time passing. I have some doubts about myself regarding my memories of events anymore. And I f it wasn’t for the fact that lately I’ve had these dreams/nightmares in vivid details but with no intermixing of events. Traumas from my childhood seem to be especially prevalent right now in my sleepy time videos in my head. There are other events that seem to be of me at a young age that are not traumatic and they also play out in a completely normal/believable manner.

This makes me believe that these events are actual events that happened to me in my life. What I wake up , I remember, most of the time , just about every major thing that occurred in my dream. For better or worse I remember. And then I try to forget those things. I haven’t had any of these dreams that I’ve remembered that consist solely of one event, just that each event plays out like a short scene in a movie or play . Say for example, an event where I was riding my bike would start with going over to the bike in a familiar garage and getting on and riding say around the neighborhood, which also seems eerily familiar yet I can’t seem to place it, and I would see the houses in detail as I pass them, some of the people as well, but anyway the details of the bike ride are all familiar and in an order that makes complete sense. Then I finish up the ride back in the same garage that I started in. I would go in the house and go to a room that I can only assume is my bedroom and I lay down in bed and go to sleep,

Then I am jolted awake in my dream and when I am able to focus I see the face of the one who abused me, and I am being sexually abused by this thing this beast of a supposed person, I was physically feeling the things that were happening to me. The thing is I don’t wake up in reality yet.

I do however wake up in my dream and I go to the bathroom and lock the door behind me and look in the mirror and think those darkest of thoughts, then I strip and crawl in the tub and start running the water, both hot and cold opened all the way, and as the water started to fill the tub , so did the tears down my cheeks. I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed my skin wanting to make any part of it that had contact with that thing, that person, to disappear down the drain. After a long bath Idry off go to my room and get dressed and then walk through the house and outside and start playing basketball by myself.

There are other events in this particular dream that happen, but I think you get the idea. Too many details for me to believe that these things are anything but based mainly in reality.

I am struggling quite a bit, I need to stop for now .

@Iamwhoiamwhoami in theese dreams, when it becomes to real or to tense/frightening, is that when the scenario shifts?

maybe your brain doesn't want to hide anymore, or remain in the darkness. I guess at some point we all will start to remember the parts that of our lives, where for some reason we forgot, or blocked out. Dreams can be terrifying🙁 especially the ones where you can feel just like in real life.

I'm not really sure what to say here, I don't look into what dreams mean, or their supposed concepts. Cause everyones views are different, and all just guesses. If you are interested in possibilities of what theese dreams might mean, perhaps make a forum thread, see what others think ❤

@Tinywhisper11

In my dreams, the jumbled up ones not the other ones change when too intense, but I have woke up at certain times before when they got too intense.

I am not really interested into figuring out what they mean or anything. I just lay out here what thought strands I am able to grasp onto. For the most part right here is where they belong.

❤️❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

20. juni 2023 — “Dreams are impartial, spontaneous products of the unconscious psyche, outside the control of the will.”, explains Jung. 

Hi Iam.

Carl Jung is writing about "The psychology of dreams." There is also a video to watch if you're interested. (And - if you're interested - If you believe that Jesus Christ took all you shame to the cross - You are clean, white as snow before God).

Thank you ❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami on your last message at the top you wrote 'I guess this moment could be the best moment of the rest of my life' 

that's very true, and a good thing to try and remember ❤ I wonder what the world would be like, if everyone lived each day as if it were their last. I bet most would choose to do something their to afraid to do.

@Tinywhisper11

My interpretation of that statement I made , to me means that the supposed best moment was when I was born, or conceived or whenever your beliefs state that life supposedly begins. And every moment from there life begins to get worse.

life will never be as good as the moment before.

That is the way my mind reads and interprets it. Unfortunately, always in the negative . ❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami don't worry I carry enough positivity for us both ❤❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami the doctor said I'm allowed to go home now😁❤ but my carers are busy, and can't come get me till tomorrow. I'm really excited about going home tommorow, can't wait to get out of this place ❤

hugs you tightly ❤❤ I love you ❤

@Tinywhisper11

That is great news! I bet that will feel great to get back home . 💕💕💕 I love you. Still holding onto you in a snuggly warm embrace 💕💕💕

@Iamwhoiamwhoami awww ❤❤❤ I love you ❤

@Tinywhisper11 Hey this is awesome! Your little piggies will be so happy and excited to see you! ❤️ 😊

@mytwistedsoul yaaaaay ❤❤❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm gonna go to the 50+ room, see what the discussion is ❤❤

@Tinywhisper11

Ok, have fun with all the old folks. Whenever you come back here, I was wondering what the name of your piggies are. I’m sure you told me at some point, I just can’t remember.

❤️❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I left the room early, cause I wanted to say goodnight to you before I go ❤❤ their names are pig, sparrow and runt 😁 they are all brothers ❤

@Tinywhisper11

I missed you again due to my writing more ramblings, anyway, thank you for telling me their names, I will probably forget them again , but I will try not to. I actually think I remember what you said your name was.

❤️❤️good night sweetest of all angels ❤️❤️