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Ramblings 3

Iamwhoiamwhoami December 31st, 2023

Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.

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Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ok I'm gonna try sleep again ❤❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤ and just so you know, I think your amazing, I love you ❤❤ I'll message you as soon as I can ❤

3 replies
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 27th

@Tinywhisper11

I hope your sleep is peaceful and full of joy ❤️❤️❤️

💕💕💕 I am enjoying being wrapped in your loving arms 💕💕💕I love you 💕💕💕

2 replies
Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami sleeping in hospital is so hard🙁🙁🙁🙁 but I'm gonna go try again, I'll read your other message, probably in half hour, when I'm bored of trying to sleep again😁❤❤ hugs you goodnight ❤ 

1 reply
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 27th

❤️💕💕💕❤️ You have such a warm soothing embrace ❤️💕💕💕❤️. Sweet dreams ❤️💕💕💕❤️

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 27th

I think that brief “live” description of one simple thing in my daily life, gives a general sense of how the rest of my life goes. Completing that task once was beyond physically exhausting and painful, but twice and realizing in the process that once again I am a moron.

How am I expected to take care of myself when this is my latest reality. I mean, seriously, I have already put my meals in the microwave for the few minutes that it takes to heat them up. And after a couple minutes I look over at the microwave and it is not running. I get up tap the time to cook in again, start it and hobble back to bed , a few seconds after I am in bed I hear a beep and I glance at the microwave and once again it is not running, I must not have pushed start, that is what the beep signified was the time I entered going back to clock time. I get up and actually use my walker for the short distance because I can barely stand, I get to the microwave, enter the time and push start I actually watch the light come on and the turntable spin before I turn away and hobble into bed.

That has happened several times lately. If that keeps happening, maybe I will actually lose some of this overfilled spare tire above my waist.

Even with the medication journal I started, there are too many times I have old timer napped and when I wake and regain my senses a bit I check the journal and there’s a missed entry, yet I am sure I took the medication around the correct time. So because of this I tweaked my medication schedule a little, my nerve meds are 3 times a day and my main pain pills are 4 times a day , I am still trying to get it so that both are 3 times a day , my pain level has fought me on that but hopefully I will get it there . At least that way with daily organizers 3 times a day can be visually seen, but with my current schedule it is like six times a day and I haven’t found an organizer that works for that many different times, at least ones that are on the mid to lower price range.

Maybe, just in case I am forced to live a few more years, I maybe should look into something a little more expensive. The older I get , the few things I actually try and address with the doctor, the more medications, by that I mean the quantity of medications increases, along with the variations of time schedules. But that probably would end up with all the other pill dispensers I already have packed away.

Focus fading fast.

3 replies
Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂 awww bless you😂😂😂 it is quite comical though. You may be a moron, but your my moron, and I love you ❤ if I was healthier, I'd be your alarm clock and message you every few hours to remind you ❤

3 replies
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 27th

@Tinywhisper11

I am really trying to break up the monotony of my normal ramblings. But with my lack of focus and thoughts mainly running things, I figured maybe writing some of these things as they happen or after the fact if I can remember them at all. Maybe you and the others could find a little humor in my frustrations. Laughing at my failures doesn’t offend or bother me. If it did I wouldn’t be able to write here.

As far as messaging me, that would be highly appreciated, but unfortunately I only have myself to rely on.

💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕I love you 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

4 replies
Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami yeah, I can't remember to message every few hours, my carers do all my timing, I wish I could help though

3 replies
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 27th

@Tinywhisper11

I really do appreciate that you want to help me. The reality is that you already are with the kindness in our conversations, the messages that you send me, You being my friend is helping me. Your love is helping me.❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

1 reply
Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ❤🙂❤❤ your just the cutest angel alive ❤❤

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Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Tinywhisper11 I'm glad you don't mind me finding humour in things ❤❤ i always make disabled jokes about myself too😁 if you laugh at yourself, you add 10 years onto your life, if you laugh at someone else, then your life expectancy will drastically shorten😂😂😂😂😂

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Helgafy September 28th

@Tinywhisper11

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

In Haugesund where I lived the 18 first years of my life we had 2 houses. One in the city and one smaller by the fjord outside the city. There we were fishing crabs and fish with our nets. But - here is for you Iam. We had a watch hanging by the fire, it was like a small, brown house. Each hour an cuckoo came out and sang 1 or 2 or 12 times (it depended what hour it was during the day). I think you could have a small house like that with a cuckoo inside, opening the small door in the house and telling you coco - it's time for your med.

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 28th

@Helgafy

It is surprising that you mention that. I have thought about trying to find a cuckoo clock off and on for many years. I have always decided against it for some reason though. I don’t remember why . I somehow remember one that had acorns hanging from the chains.

It is acorns that sprout into the big chunky things? I can’t even describe them, I can picture them in my mind, yet I can’t describe them in words.

3 replies
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 28th

@Helgafy

Actually I think what I was thinking of was pine cones, not acorns. The thinkings of a feeble mind.

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Helgafy September 28th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Yes - pine cones are hanging from the chains.

3 replies
Helgafy September 29th

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas

Hi again.

I tag you here also, page 50 of Iam "ramblings". He always let us write on his thread. He has been very disappointed lately. His foot and back are bad. He went for 1 examination of it and thought that was the last thing to do before maybe operation. But the doctor said he had to be examinated one more time (4. or 6. of October). So he waits for that one. He has to stay strong! He and Tiny are writing love-letters here (a bit embarressing for the rest of us LOL!!!) I think they have become one person - not able to depart from the other - LOL!!! Sometimes Iam writes a bit of his transwoman coming up a little bit, but she is hidden deep inside.

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Tinywhisper11 September 30th

@Helgafy 😂😂😂😂 ❤❤❤

Helgafy October 1st

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas

Hi again. I think you read this one also about Iam. But I don't think you and he was in so much contact. (Page 50). 

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Tinywhisper11 September 28th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I have a pinecone in my window. It predicts the weather, my carers said it closes it's gonna rain, if it opens it's gonna be sunny. It might be the other way round I can't remember🤔🤔

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 28th

@Tinywhisper11

That is so cool, I never knew that, I just use my arthritis. ❤️❤️

1 reply
Tinywhisper11 September 28th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 yep that works too ❤😂😂😂

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Tinywhisper11 September 28th

@Helgafy 😍😍 you had a cuckoo clock, those things are so cool. But so expensive. I really want one, but after the first week it would drive me crazy😂😂😂

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Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I can't wait to go home😁 I think my carers are coming to get me early morning ❤ I wonder if my piggies have missed me

4 replies
Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Tinywhisper11 I wonder if they've been being good while I was gone. Pig and sparrow probably were really well behaved. But runt can be a handful😁

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 27th

@Tinywhisper11

All the more reason to love them.❤️

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 27th

@Tinywhisper11

Not much longer to wait then, at least as far as actual time is concerned. ❤️❤️ I am sure they missed you immensely. I think anyone who has spent any amount of time with you would miss you immensely ❤️❤️

1 reply
Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami awwww thankyou ❤ and I do love them, very very much😁❤

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 27th

@Tinywhisper11

Your pfp Is that a picture of you?

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Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami yes, I always use photos of myself for my profile picture😁 only the head though, not the embarrassing body parts.❤

4 replies
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 27th

@Tinywhisper11

If you don’t mind my saying so , you are as beautiful (if not more) as your words . I understand why you feel that your body is embarrassing. I feel mine is extremely embarrassing also. I know that nothing I say will change how you feel. But my thoughts and feelings on the subject basically say that anyone who truly loves another is never turned away by outside appearances. Whatever scars or whatever pieces might be missing have no bearing on that love.

Those things are only signs of experiences that have helped create the person we are now, regardless of what the experience entailed, it is proof of being a true survivor. ❤️❤️❤️

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Tinywhisper11 September 28th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami awww ❤ that made me cry ❤ thankyou so much ❤

2 replies
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 28th

@Tinywhisper11

Those words are ones I strongly request that you remember and tell yourself if and when you look in a mirror and any other time it needs to be a reminder to you.💕💕💕💕💕💕. I love you 💕💕💕

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Tinywhisper11 September 28th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ok I will🙂❤

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Tinywhisper11 September 27th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ok I'm really gonna try to go sleep now ❤ goodnight angel ❤ I love you ❤❤ the snoring person has shut up finally😁 hopefully now I can sleep ❤

1 reply
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 27th

@Tinywhisper11

❤️❤️Sweet and peaceful dreams, I love you ❤️❤️


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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 28th

Well, my stubbornness has accomplished it again. Between being stuck in bed mostly and having a supposedly simple project right in front of me driving me nuts. I decided to try and get it done.

I realized rather quickly how weak I have become in the last couple months.

The old tv that was still hanging from my ceiling and the new one sitting on storage totes in front of the old one. Taking the old one down should have been relatively simple. Loosen two thumb screws whose only purpose is to keep the tv set in the position you set it in. Then remove one bolt at the bottom while holding the tv up then carefully slide it off and set it down somehow. Needless to say, it somehow caught on something in the support tubes and it let loose and I dropped the old tv and it fell into the new tv and knocked it over including all the totes it was sitting on, it also destroyed the hdmi cable in the process.

It took awhile to pick everything up. But when I finally did, I found an old cable and plugged it in and the new tv and dvd player still works ok.

I continue down the moron path.

7 replies
Tinywhisper11 September 28th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 at least you did it ❤❤ realising how weak you are is never easy🙁 welcome to the world of disabled people😁 ❤my sweet moron, I love you ❤


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Tinywhisper11 September 28th

@Tinywhisper11 oh I gotta go ❤ I'll be back in a bit ❤❤❤

1 reply
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 28th

Ok, ❤️❤️❤️❤️ I will wait here ❤️❤️❤️❤️

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 28th

Well I somewhat accomplished part of it . I still have to take the mount off the old tv and screw it to the new one. Then lift the tv up and line the posts together and install the bolt to hold it up. Maybe next year…….,

1 reply
Tinywhisper11 September 28th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami you will get it done by next year ❤ their gonna fix you up soon, don't worry ❤❤hugs you tightly ❤

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Helgafy September 28th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

I'm so! happy your new TV and DVD-player are not destroyed.

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 28th

@Helgafy

Thank you, so am I. All because of my stubbornness. That was one of those scenarios that only happened in a matter of a few seconds yet in my mind I think I told myself I was a stubborn moron numerous times while I watched it happening.

❤️

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 28th

There are times when I actually look at how many pages I have written under this heading and in the many others under my name. Then I realize how much I have written and also realize that I haven’t changed my tune since I started here.

Next thing that triggers is that after how many years of writing my ramblings, how much have they really helped me.

Then it triggers that remote chance that after I am gone, my ramblings if read in their entirety, without judgment or jumping to conclusions, could open the eyes and ears of all those who think that they have all the answers for whatever ails humanity, whether it’s therapy or pills. Maybe then they might realize there is a lot they don’t know and may never fully understand. And maybe, just maybe if they listened, I said LISTENED a lot more and brushed off the topics and related details that scare them, those things that they fear might give them the type of dreams/nightmares that people like me experience daily. They might realize that opening the discussion up to all our thoughts and feelings and bringing them out in the open like they “say” other things in society are.

That if we felt like we didn’t have hide all these things that they fear discussing. Maybe a lot of people would be on the road to recovery a lot sooner for some, and for people like me the road we are currently traveling would no longer exist to be travelled on.

Then reality sets in and I realize that is a fantasy that is not even close to being based in reality.

Those people never fully listen, the few that actually do, are so few and far between that they may help a few which is great but what about the rest of us suffering, possibly needlessly if we were able to speak and discuss openly about all thoughts and feelings that plague the darkness.

I understand that true open discussions with others suffering can trigger reactions. I am referring to say me going to a therapist, psychologist, whatever…but being able to openly discuss all the thoughts in my head without being shutdown and locked in a hospital for a minimum of three days because I mentioned words that they don’t understand and misinterpret as soon as any one of a thousand words and /or combinations of those words are spoken out loud. Treated like it is a crime against humanity for thinking things like that much less daring to speak them out loud. When the reality is that I would wager everything I own, including my own soul that nearly every one of those therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, and others who are willing to hide behind this belief and behavior, I would wager it all that nearly all of them have had those thoughts more than once in there lives, many probably still do.

One on one discussions , group discussions with all participants knowing before joining that the depth of the discussions may be very dark discussions, open and willing participants. They still may be triggered, I probably would be one of the first if not the first to be triggered, as long as their support system is readily available for them at that time for whatever they need. These kinds of discussions are the key. Maybe in other countries that is already happening and that is great. Another thing this country is failing behind the rest of the world in. At least regarding the true things that matter most. People, humanity should come first, not mountains of money and the evil that usually unites with those who hoard and/or flaunt it .

Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 28th

With these meds I am taking, I still haven’t gotten used to some of the goofy sensations that they create during movements.

One in particular is when I am able to get in bed without falling into bed, I kneel on one leg so I get into a comfortable position a little more quickly with less twisting and shuffling. But when I kneel on the left leg it feels like I am kneeling on a small rock or pebble. There are a couple other goofy things like that but focus is going again.

Tinywhisper11 September 28th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami yeah I understand that 🙁 with all the progress in mental health, how open it is now. Yet the ones who are suffering the most, are to scared to say their real thoughts, cause it's just to much for people to understand. They want facts and scientific research, and what works for one or two, then supposedly that works for all🙁 it's a sad truth. And I'm not sure it will ever change. But I also believe, that we all have the power to make a difference to others. No matter how big or how small, we all have a purpose a reason for our lives, some of us suffer, to make others aware, if a desperately needed change, in the way things are done ❤

1 reply
Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 28th

@Tinywhisper11❤️❤️❤️

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Tinywhisper11 September 28th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I came home now ready to sleep for 5 days😁❤ gives you a giant tiny hug ❤❤I love you ❤

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 28th

@Tinywhisper11

That is great to hear. 💕💕💕This hug feels warmer than the last few. Must be because your heart is warmer being home. I love you 💕💕💕

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Tinywhisper11 September 28th

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😁 ❤ yep, warmer and stronger ❤ now I can hug you properly

puuung-hug.gif

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Iamwhoiamwhoami OP September 28th

@Tinywhisper11

Maybe you have the strength I lost❤️❤️. If so keep it

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