Ramblings 3

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ok I'm gonna try sleep again ❤❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤ and just so you know, I think your amazing, I love you ❤❤ I'll message you as soon as I can ❤

I think that brief “live” description of one simple thing in my daily life, gives a general sense of how the rest of my life goes. Completing that task once was beyond physically exhausting and painful, but twice and realizing in the process that once again I am a moron.

How am I expected to take care of myself when this is my latest reality. I mean, seriously, I have already put my meals in the microwave for the few minutes that it takes to heat them up. And after a couple minutes I look over at the microwave and it is not running. I get up tap the time to cook in again, start it and hobble back to bed , a few seconds after I am in bed I hear a beep and I glance at the microwave and once again it is not running, I must not have pushed start, that is what the beep signified was the time I entered going back to clock time. I get up and actually use my walker for the short distance because I can barely stand, I get to the microwave, enter the time and push start I actually watch the light come on and the turntable spin before I turn away and hobble into bed.

That has happened several times lately. If that keeps happening, maybe I will actually lose some of this overfilled spare tire above my waist.

Even with the medication journal I started, there are too many times I have old timer napped and when I wake and regain my senses a bit I check the journal and there’s a missed entry, yet I am sure I took the medication around the correct time. So because of this I tweaked my medication schedule a little, my nerve meds are 3 times a day and my main pain pills are 4 times a day , I am still trying to get it so that both are 3 times a day , my pain level has fought me on that but hopefully I will get it there . At least that way with daily organizers 3 times a day can be visually seen, but with my current schedule it is like six times a day and I haven’t found an organizer that works for that many different times, at least ones that are on the mid to lower price range.

Maybe, just in case I am forced to live a few more years, I maybe should look into something a little more expensive. The older I get , the few things I actually try and address with the doctor, the more medications, by that I mean the quantity of medications increases, along with the variations of time schedules. But that probably would end up with all the other pill dispensers I already have packed away.

Focus fading fast.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I can't wait to go home😁 I think my carers are coming to get me early morning ❤ I wonder if my piggies have missed me

@Tinywhisper11

Your pfp Is that a picture of you?

@Iamwhoiamwhoami ok I'm really gonna try to go sleep now ❤ goodnight angel ❤ I love you ❤❤ the snoring person has shut up finally😁 hopefully now I can sleep ❤

Well, my stubbornness has accomplished it again. Between being stuck in bed mostly and having a supposedly simple project right in front of me driving me nuts. I decided to try and get it done.

I realized rather quickly how weak I have become in the last couple months.

The old tv that was still hanging from my ceiling and the new one sitting on storage totes in front of the old one. Taking the old one down should have been relatively simple. Loosen two thumb screws whose only purpose is to keep the tv set in the position you set it in. Then remove one bolt at the bottom while holding the tv up then carefully slide it off and set it down somehow. Needless to say, it somehow caught on something in the support tubes and it let loose and I dropped the old tv and it fell into the new tv and knocked it over including all the totes it was sitting on, it also destroyed the hdmi cable in the process.

It took awhile to pick everything up. But when I finally did, I found an old cable and plugged it in and the new tv and dvd player still works ok.

I continue down the moron path.

There are times when I actually look at how many pages I have written under this heading and in the many others under my name. Then I realize how much I have written and also realize that I haven’t changed my tune since I started here.

Next thing that triggers is that after how many years of writing my ramblings, how much have they really helped me.

Then it triggers that remote chance that after I am gone, my ramblings if read in their entirety, without judgment or jumping to conclusions, could open the eyes and ears of all those who think that they have all the answers for whatever ails humanity, whether it’s therapy or pills. Maybe then they might realize there is a lot they don’t know and may never fully understand. And maybe, just maybe if they listened, I said LISTENED a lot more and brushed off the topics and related details that scare them, those things that they fear might give them the type of dreams/nightmares that people like me experience daily. They might realize that opening the discussion up to all our thoughts and feelings and bringing them out in the open like they “say” other things in society are.

That if we felt like we didn’t have hide all these things that they fear discussing. Maybe a lot of people would be on the road to recovery a lot sooner for some, and for people like me the road we are currently traveling would no longer exist to be travelled on.

Then reality sets in and I realize that is a fantasy that is not even close to being based in reality.

Those people never fully listen, the few that actually do, are so few and far between that they may help a few which is great but what about the rest of us suffering, possibly needlessly if we were able to speak and discuss openly about all thoughts and feelings that plague the darkness.

I understand that true open discussions with others suffering can trigger reactions. I am referring to say me going to a therapist, psychologist, whatever…but being able to openly discuss all the thoughts in my head without being shutdown and locked in a hospital for a minimum of three days because I mentioned words that they don’t understand and misinterpret as soon as any one of a thousand words and /or combinations of those words are spoken out loud. Treated like it is a crime against humanity for thinking things like that much less daring to speak them out loud. When the reality is that I would wager everything I own, including my own soul that nearly every one of those therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, and others who are willing to hide behind this belief and behavior, I would wager it all that nearly all of them have had those thoughts more than once in there lives, many probably still do.

One on one discussions , group discussions with all participants knowing before joining that the depth of the discussions may be very dark discussions, open and willing participants. They still may be triggered, I probably would be one of the first if not the first to be triggered, as long as their support system is readily available for them at that time for whatever they need. These kinds of discussions are the key. Maybe in other countries that is already happening and that is great. Another thing this country is failing behind the rest of the world in. At least regarding the true things that matter most. People, humanity should come first, not mountains of money and the evil that usually unites with those who hoard and/or flaunt it .

With these meds I am taking, I still haven’t gotten used to some of the goofy sensations that they create during movements.

One in particular is when I am able to get in bed without falling into bed, I kneel on one leg so I get into a comfortable position a little more quickly with less twisting and shuffling. But when I kneel on the left leg it feels like I am kneeling on a small rock or pebble. There are a couple other goofy things like that but focus is going again.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami yeah I understand that 🙁 with all the progress in mental health, how open it is now. Yet the ones who are suffering the most, are to scared to say their real thoughts, cause it's just to much for people to understand. They want facts and scientific research, and what works for one or two, then supposedly that works for all🙁 it's a sad truth. And I'm not sure it will ever change. But I also believe, that we all have the power to make a difference to others. No matter how big or how small, we all have a purpose a reason for our lives, some of us suffer, to make others aware, if a desperately needed change, in the way things are done ❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I came home now ready to sleep for 5 days😁❤ gives you a giant tiny hug ❤❤I love you ❤