Ramblings 3

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm not sure what listener thing your giving up on. But you don't need a listener, you have friends here who will stay by yourside forever ❤ and guess what you do fit in to the community, you fit in right here, with us. I would think most people only have a few real friends, or family they can trust. And here we have that in each other ❤ please never doubt your importance in our eyes ❤ I love you, I will always be beside you, and I will sit in the darkness with you, trying to shine my light to guide you through ❤ hugs you tightly ❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami don't worry about us gluing our hands together, everyone else can hug from around us😁 ❤ it's in the darkest of times, we tend to shy away from others, but their actually the times we need each other the most, and we are always here for each other when we are ready to talk ❤ I understand as much as possible, how you felt before this stupid medical thing taking over, now all the pain mentally and physically had doubled for you😥 and I got one, will wait for you during the silent times, sit with you through the dark times, and hug you forever ❤❤ my special angel, I'm so very proud of you for everything you've gone through, for the strength you carry, you are a survivor🙂 we both are ❤ you can get through this I know you can ❤ hugs you tightly ❤ I love you ❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 

@Tinywhisper11

💕💕. I hope today has been better than yesterday, I love you 💕💕

@Iamwhoiamwhoami gooood morning ❤ oh wait it's only 9pm. Damn! I can't wait to get out of here, it's messing my already messed up sleep routine up🙁  I'm so tired I don't even know what to write. That's not like me, I normally don't shut up. I'll be back in a bit, maybe try sleep again. I love you ❤❤

Trigger warning for mention of trauma and childhood trauma and sexual abuse

Everyone knows I don’t have any beliefs at all regarding my future ever being anything better than it is right now, I guess you could say that this moment is the best moment of the rest of my life. I periodically feel a slight sense of hope that things will improve, and then I get slapped with a reality check.

Take my dreams for example. I have had some really strange dreams for quite awhile. I don’t know how long they have actually been going on but it has been for awhile. Anyway, they have been really realistic yet they are very strange in the way that they contain way too many different scenarios that make not a bit of sense in the way they interconnect in the dreams.

I now think that most of the events in my dreams are based in fact regarding actual experiences in my life. Just certain moments and activities that are relevant to each specific reality are intermixed with other moments.

I will try and explain what I mean by this using a couple of examples of different activities that other people do.

1) Going for a bike ride

2) Going to bed

3) Riding in a plane

In my dream it may start off with sitting in a seat on a plane and looking out the window or around the plane at the other passengers , then I would get up to all down the aisle to the bathroom, then I would be racing up and down the aisles on a bicycle, then one by one the other passengers would join in. I would then open the door of the plane and ride out of the plane down the hall of a familiar house yet someplace I don’t quite remember ., but I ride up the stairs and into bed. Yes I said ride into bed. Tucking myself under the covers.

My dreams are mainly all like this. At times taking traumatic events from my childhood and individually taking moments from each one and intermixing them among the others sometimes intermixing childhood traumas with adulthood traumas. There are many other things mixed into these throw together scenarios in my dreams. Places that seem so familiar to me yet I don’t know where they are or when they are or were . Activities like bike riding, playing football, playing video games that I know existed I don’t remember their names, writing on a computer and making some kind of video games. There are many other snippets of things like that in my dreams as well, however the details of how things play out in my dreams are very obvious that details are way out of sync with how things should play out.

The details of many certain things and events are very vivid and those certain details are consistent among all my dreams, ok well the last few I can remember without the fog that gets thicker with time passing. I have some doubts about myself regarding my memories of events anymore. And I f it wasn’t for the fact that lately I’ve had these dreams/nightmares in vivid details but with no intermixing of events. Traumas from my childhood seem to be especially prevalent right now in my sleepy time videos in my head. There are other events that seem to be of me at a young age that are not traumatic and they also play out in a completely normal/believable manner.

This makes me believe that these events are actual events that happened to me in my life. What I wake up , I remember, most of the time , just about every major thing that occurred in my dream. For better or worse I remember. And then I try to forget those things. I haven’t had any of these dreams that I’ve remembered that consist solely of one event, just that each event plays out like a short scene in a movie or play . Say for example, an event where I was riding my bike would start with going over to the bike in a familiar garage and getting on and riding say around the neighborhood, which also seems eerily familiar yet I can’t seem to place it, and I would see the houses in detail as I pass them, some of the people as well, but anyway the details of the bike ride are all familiar and in an order that makes complete sense. Then I finish up the ride back in the same garage that I started in. I would go in the house and go to a room that I can only assume is my bedroom and I lay down in bed and go to sleep,

Then I am jolted awake in my dream and when I am able to focus I see the face of the one who abused me, and I am being sexually abused by this thing this beast of a supposed person, I was physically feeling the things that were happening to me. The thing is I don’t wake up in reality yet.

I do however wake up in my dream and I go to the bathroom and lock the door behind me and look in the mirror and think those darkest of thoughts, then I strip and crawl in the tub and start running the water, both hot and cold opened all the way, and as the water started to fill the tub , so did the tears down my cheeks. I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed my skin wanting to make any part of it that had contact with that thing, that person, to disappear down the drain. After a long bath Idry off go to my room and get dressed and then walk through the house and outside and start playing basketball by myself.

There are other events in this particular dream that happen, but I think you get the idea. Too many details for me to believe that these things are anything but based mainly in reality.

I am struggling quite a bit, I need to stop for now .

@Iamwhoiamwhoami on your last message at the top you wrote 'I guess this moment could be the best moment of the rest of my life' 

that's very true, and a good thing to try and remember ❤ I wonder what the world would be like, if everyone lived each day as if it were their last. I bet most would choose to do something their to afraid to do.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami the doctor said I'm allowed to go home now😁❤ but my carers are busy, and can't come get me till tomorrow. I'm really excited about going home tommorow, can't wait to get out of this place ❤

hugs you tightly ❤❤ I love you ❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm gonna go to the 50+ room, see what the discussion is ❤❤