Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
Once again, staring at the screen with so much I want to write down. I can’t focus enough to grasp a starting point. It has taken me nearly fifteen minutes to complete this.
Floodgates of my thoughts are jammed open again and I am drowning amongst them.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami hi sweetie ❤ you don't have to pretend around me, or anyone else on here. I love you for being you ❤ your not the only one who stares at the screen sometimes for ages trying to get your words out, I do that too sometimes😁❤ sends you rainbows of love 🌈🌈 and a giant tiny hug ❤❤
I have wandered around in my darkness and find myself trapped in a strange room and all sides are seemingly closing in on me.
I don’t know how to escape this desperate feeling and get back to my normal despair.
This is not necessarily a new thing for me, though every time it corners me, the weaker I am against it. My supposed strength is completely drained. My will is no longer.
This year I feel like things are spiraling out of control around me and I
It is like I am a street mime, trapped in a very very small room, speaking without making a sound. Going through the motions, day after day, The quietest wheel that doesn’t get the grease.
Like the check engine light on a car that is always on and everyone ignores and it becomes a normal part of life.
I have built my mountain so that I am hidden in plain sight. I am not proud of what I built. It’s not the proper thing to do for someone who struggles like I do. But in order to accomplish the very minimum and just exist, it was a very necessary task.
My struggles are very real. Most people will never know how difficult it is for people like me to do the simplest of things. They see the shell and may catch a glimpse now and then of the misery lurking underneath but could never come close to truly understanding what is really going on.
Even those who have their own struggles can’t truly see what is lurking in someone else’s darkness. They can sympathize and they can relate, but we are all different in respects to how things affect us. The recipes for each of our experiences and whatever they trigger inside are all different.
I try and not make waves, not even a ripple. I am here trying to put into words that hopefully make sense. Words that maybe can be utilized, not interpreted, to maybe help understand the bottomless pit that mental issues are.
Maybe, giving a glimpse into my darkness would help with a little understanding of those who suffer in silence for a lifetime.
There is no cure for what I have. No medications have been effective, no counseling or treatment has phased it. I have taken little pieces of the things I’ve learned, and twisted them together to create my necessary method to survive.
The way I did things is not necessarily the right way, but when you live in the darkness and are surrounded by so much confusion and pressure. The constant uncertainty is overwhelming and choices have to be made. Not to live but to get through to the next breath.
Attempted to work today and ended up home due this stupid leg pain. Even sitting down doesn’t help anymore. Scheduled a dr appointment on Monday. This latest of things I tried to push the pain aside and struggle through as I always do. But I can barely manage to walk whenever this thing decides to trample my nerves.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hey :) I was giving this some thought. Have you had this leg pain checked out before? Could it be sciatica? I mean it's just a shot in the dark but maybe? They have stretches you can do. If they help it would be information you could take to your doctor appointment and if they ease the pain that's a win right?
The link is Here
That is a possibility. I have tried some stretching and what I have tried hasn’t helped. Now, any stretching I try seems to aggravate it. I will try and check out the link you attached. Maybe it will help ease the pain.
Thank you as always for your support and advice.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Oh that's no good if it aggravates it. It really sucks being in pain all the time. It makes everything else worse. I'm sorry you've been dealing with this. Hopefully there's alittle luck that one of these will help
You're welcome Iam. I really hope they can help
*sending you good vibes*
@Iamwhoiamwhoami good luck with your doctor appointment, I hope they can do something to help you. Being in pain all the time, is so draining so hard to concentrate, it's just horrible. But hey if you need to use a wheelchair for a while, I'll race you😁 I'm gonna win though😂😂❤❤ sends you a sun beam, to lighten the darkness. And a big giant tiny hug ❤ to let you know you are loved
Laying here once again, trying to grasp a thought or two to put down here. This latest addition of nearly constant leg pain has added another extreme weight that I no longer have the strength to deal with. I would rather have the doctor remove every appendage and organ that causes pain than continuing to suffer with it all. That includes those holding the roots of depression, anxieties, and anything else that causes pain.
Just trying to get out of bed and go to the bathroom is a struggle. I am overwhelmed trying to accomplish this basic task. I’m literally less than ten feet away.
I read some of the other writings and it makes me realize that I may be alone in the sense of no friends or family outside of here, but it has to be 1000 times worse to be have friends and family yet feeling alone. I am more than willing to share my history present and past regarding all my issues. Yet I have no true connection to that possibility outside of here. But to feel scared of judgement from those who supposedly love you and should try and support you regardless of what you are going through is just something I couldn’t handle.
Thinking about canceling the doctors appointment for Monday. What is one more debilitating pain anyway. I should just accept it as another punishment added on to my life. Granted I couldn’t continue my job. But what does it matter anyway. My destiny has been written, my choices throughout life have culminated into whatever one would choose to call this world of my own making.