My daily ramblings

But I suppose the closest to that I will get is when my brain decides to fizzle out completely.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to control these brain flickers, That seems to be the only way to get a break from the never ending onslaught of thoughts and visions. Even though I don’t know what happens or for how long they happen, a break is a break.

I know I pushed people away and I haven’t changed what I think about all that. But if you’re going to support what I say or at least use that to show someone is reading what I write, feel free to write your comments or whatever, I apologize if I don’t respond, I am still really really stuck, struggling at the same level I was.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm still around. I just sometimes fall back to regroup. Plus with it being Christmas today many people spend it with their families.

No reply or response needed. I come here willingly with no expectations :) if the replies overwhelm you you can make a thread and put no replies in the title. People respect it and will just read.

@mytwistedsoul

I don’t mind replies, I just feel guilty if I don’t respond.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Ok :) Most people don't mind if you don't reply. They understand that people need a place to vent or ramble.

I don’t like who I am, I am wallowing in self hatred. I have pushed everyone away to try and keep them safe from my toxicity, my extreme negativity. Everyone here struggles with their own issues and they are all affected in different ways . I struggle with why I am still here posting my struggles so openly here for others to freely read when they need positivity surrounding them not what I have to offer.

When I have an episode and manage to find my way back here and reread some of these things, and things start to come into focus, I am ashamed of myself for sharing so much negativity and hopelessness with people who need support and love, not what I am sharing.

My struggles, maybe documenting them can do some good long term, but in the short term?

I am enveloped in the darkness. It surrounds me. Eating at my entire being. I wonder sometimes if I should just relax and let it enjoy its meal. Hoping that the toxicity raging through me will poison it and get it away from me and everyone else.

I have to stop for now

@Iamwhoiamwhoami What if I told you I felt the same way? I don't like myself a whole lot either. There are many others who probably feel the same way.

What if I told you that writing here - that sharing here - even the negative things helps other people? That feelings like that are relatable for others and helps them feel less alone? I don't see the toxicity tbh. What I see is someone that's hurting and being completely up front and honest about it.

@mytwistedsoul

I would tell you you are probably right .

@Iamwhoiamwhoami It's okay to be you. It's okay to be not okay. No one will think any less of you. We see how hard you try and I'm proud of you. The people you pushed away? They didn't go very far Iam. They're still there. And I'm often only a tag away. It's okay to need support and encouragement. It shows you are very much human :)

Feels like the walls are moving. My rooms are getting smaller. I’m not liking this feeling, ok they stopped. Claustrophobic reaction in my own home? Why?

I had something else that I wanted to say but I forget what it was. That little episode took away my focus.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I dont know what is going on of course and i know doctors are concerned about something physical or at least doing tests and trying different things but also some of these visions and hallucinations could be caused by sensory deprivation and isolation i know you normally work and are not doing that now and its also been so cold out when you might normally go outside but even if they have nothing to do with your environment and its all physical it could just help you ruminate less

something on here or a few things could help https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-cope-with-loneliness-during-coronavirus-4799661

@jennysunrise8

Thank you for your kindness and support. Your ideas are appreciated

How can I be in a fog when my thoughts are still racing.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

Hi Iam.

Maybe this is good for you to read, Isaiah 42.3:

A bruised reed shall he (God) not break, and the smoking flax shall he not quench:

@Helgafy

Thank you as always

Slept but exhausted. Head pulsing, pain down left side of neck into shoulder. Thoughts/images screaming through but extremely hard to focus on any, Identity confusion. Panic/anxiety attack when woke up in the dark. I’m still breathing, why? Depression still extreme. I have to trust that the writings I read are mine and the plastic card with a picture of what kind of looks like me is actually me.

I’m so sick of all this , I am not everyone else. I’m broken, stop piling this nonsense on me.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I might be wrong - I'm sorry if I am but that stuff doesn't work for me either

@mytwistedsoul

I don’t understand? What doesn’t work for you?

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Writing the positivity in journals. And I should apologize to you. I should have kept that thought to myself

@mytwistedsoul

I am not bothered or offended by anything you say. I have written a lot of things here and anyone who may have read any of it, may stir up some thoughts, I am ok with those thoughts freely being expressed in response, to those writings

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Thank you for being so gracious and understanding. I had just read a suggestion to you about writing gratitude and how it will start to show positivity. Perhaps that works for some people but it doesn't work for everyone

@Iamwhoiamwhoami

A message from me to you at page 11.

@mytwistedsoul

Hi.

I just want to say hello to you since I see you here at "Iam's" site. You helped me to send his tree to Glen, our leader here. I have told "I'am" that I'm a woman (very old - ha.ha.) 70 years, living in Bergen Norway. We have snow here now just as there is snow at Iam's place in the USA. Yesterday I saw you in a little vision. (Or it was my mind making it). You were a beautiful, little blue bird, flying happy around. You also played with the water. If you want to you can tell your age, if you're a woman or a man and which country you live in. "I'am" is in his 50th.

@Helgafy Hey :) I remember. It's a beautiful tree. I'm glad Glen got to see it

@Iamwhoiamwhoami @mytwistedsoul

Good morning to you both at this 1. day of 2023.

From my place with snow i brought myself in my aeroplane (ha.ha) to "mytwist" were there is no snow. "Iam" also came (if he wants to) from his place where there is also snow. We all go to "mytwist"s kitchen. I brought omelette, coffee and brown bread for breakfast. I hope you like that, if not we'll find something else to eat/drink.

I see your animals around "mytwist". If you want to you can tell me what kind of animals it is.

From Helga.

@Helgafy Animals consist of a horse - a dog - a cat and 4 roosters and 13 hens :) so we have plenty of fresh eggs - plus there's plenty of wildlife

Are there animals where you are?

@mytwistedsoul

Wonderful young man, "only" 26, but a grown-up!

I was thinking of a song today as the "blue bird" is flying very fast through my rooms (ha.ha!). I thought it was named "Bluebird", but then I remember it is named "Blackbird" - Beatles - Remastered 2009 - it has some fine lyrics if you would like to listen. Well. well. Beatles was very "hot"! at my age. We loved them!

All the best from Helga.

@mytwistedsoul

Hi.

1. Thank you for writing. And - you're not obligated to write with me - you can stop any moment you like!

2. You grew up with your grandparents. That's sad you could not grow up with your parents, but I guess your grandparents took good care of you. And they are gone also and you're just 26. I had my father until I became 50 and my mother until I became 60+ so that is a big difference from your life. I once was a teatcher for young persons (13-15) up north in Norway. One of the children there grew up with his grandparents.

3. So many animals you have. You have a wonderful heart, never able to hurt a living thing. I saw a doc. about bulimia. They used a horse for treating the girls mind.

Guess what - the bluebird came back to my home today. It is a bit cold here now so he likes to come to my bed in the morning under the blanket. Only his small head is above it.

I hope you sell your eggs so you get income!

No, I live at the outside of a city and there are no animals here. Well, some deer come around and people have their dogs and cats just as you have.

4. You write "we" have many eggs to eat - if you want to you can tell who "we" are.

From Helga.

@Helgafy 1.I offer the same to you. There's never any obligation to reply :)

@mytwistedsoul

Hi bluebird.

Maybe I can get to know you a little bit here at "Iam's" site. I have been living alone my whole life and have no children. What about you - is there a mrs. bluebird in your life who laid some eggs for you? The bird stays at my bon sai tree (half my hight) during the night. (I like very much to use my imagination). He puts his little head under his wing when he sleeps. I have put water and grain out for him to eat and drink.

@Helgafy I'm alittle conflicted with bringing too much of myself in to Iam's space

@Helgafy @mytwistedsoul

Please do not be conflicted about my space . You are welcome to share whatever you want to in any of my threads.

No matter where my mind has ventured everyone not voicing hate is welcome here.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Thank you :) You'll get no hate from me that's for sure. Life's hard enough without having someone else make it harder

@mytwistedsoul

Good morning to you blubird. Thank you so much for visiting me here in Norway. But it seems like it was a little bit too dull for "you" here - ha.ha. Yesterday you flew west - over the Atlantic ocean back to your home. He likes to ride your horse, and I have no horses here!

My parents were very fine and wise and loving. I got everything I needed until I went away for studying when I was 18 years old.

How nice of you helping your neighbors with eggs!

You're right - the deer eat the flowers in the garden of the people.

Did I like being a teacher? I liked the most when the class were small, 13 persons in the class. That was up north in Norway at a small island called Andørja. But poor young persons. There was nothing to do for them in the free-time. I started a Christian group for the girls in my class. The question was - "why did Jesus die?" - and they all came.

My education is chemistry; I'm an engeneer so I have worked for many years with chemistry.

Maybe you have seen - I wrote that also to our friend @Iamwhoiamwhoami - that I have the sickness of ME/CFS (lack of energy). I was crying a bit today because of my physical weakness. I should wish that Jesus Christ would heal me. Well. well.

All for now. Your very old friend Helga from the wonderful country of Norway!

@Helgafy I'm sorry you were crying. I wish you didn't have the weakness to make you upset. I hope today gets better for you
Chemistry! You must be very smart. It must have been nice to have the smaller class - more one on one with your students. It was really nice of you to start a christian group for the girls. I bet they appreciated it - to learn about Jesus and to have something worth while to fill their time

I'm glad you had such nice parents :)

I like being able to help people. I don't like to think there are people who could be hungry or cold. Or hurting

You live in a beautiful country. I looked it up online. :) I live in Pennsylvania up near New York but it's not nearly as beautiful as Norway looks. The mountains there look amazing

I enjoy listening to music alot and I did listen to the song Blackbird. I found this today and though maybe it would help brighten your day
Paul McCartney - Bluebird

@mytwistedsoul

Well. well. Thank you for writing.

The blue bird flew out of my window ha.ha. But I had great pleasure of him visiting me for a day and a night! Thank you.

@Helgafy You're welcome :) Happy New Year from my little part of the world to yours

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I hope - this new year brings you some answers. Happy New Year Iam

@mytwistedsoul.

Good morning to you young friend and thank you for writing.

You have such a tender and nice spirit/soul - like to help others - how wonderful is that. I hope you appreciate yourself for the beautiful person you are.

Thank you for the song - many birds with "The Beatles"! I had no idea that they wrote about a blue one as well as the black one.

Yes - thank you - I'm stronger today.

In the evening yesterday I became better, could make porridge from oats and apple. I also made omelette with cauliflower.

I see our friend @Iamwhoiamwhoami also wrote a line and that is good.

All for now - Helga.