My daily ramblings
I am finally going to follow the lead and try and avoid posting in multiple different places. I am going to try and do most of my rambling in this thread.
My cognitive issues are making it harder and harder for me to focus on multiple things. That combined with my laundry list of other issues, makes functioning at all near impossible.
Having to go through medication experimentation again is going to make it even harder.
Whenever I have to refocus because I literally can’t remember blocks of time or where I am and why I’m here kinds of things , I’m usually able to come here and figure out through my posts and profile etc.
That has proven to not work very well at times. I wondered if I centralized my thoughts here that maybe that might work better.
That also keeps me from being a distraction from those who are more deserving than I.
Call it a dark poem or whatever you may.
Trigger warning for not exactly sure but just in case
As the darkness swallows me , I need to relax .
Let the serenity envelop my senses. No more misery, no more pain,
when the time comes, be patient, be calm.
The memories don’t matter, the body doesn’t matter, when it’s done no one will care.
I won’t be missed, in fact it will be celebrated.
A lifetime of pushing people away , trying to find yourself. In the end it doesn’t matter who you are, or even that you were there.
the best I can hope for is the peaceful closing of my eyes and easy breathing when the darkness finally claims what’s left of me
Had a mild anxiety thinking about going to town tomorrow for groceries. Too many people, still holidays, maybe wait till Tuesday.
I am so confused by my thoughts and dreams. They are ending with different people staring at me telling me how worthless and useless I am. Telling me I am guilty.
Is that what all these flashbacks are about, for me to fully accept that everything that’s happened is my fault, I caused all those things to happen? If that’s what it takes to get them to stop. I accept! It all was my fault. Do whatever you’re going to do to me just stop making me relive it all.
If that’s not it then please tell me what I need to do.
I keep drifting to the groups and it is either rigid or a free for all. Manners seem to be very lacking in them how can someone expect support from people who are just there to chitchat in and around their telling of their woes. I’m old fashioned I guess but I personally think it’s rude and disrespectful.
That’s the modern model for psychiatric treatment….groups everyone talks and who?? listens?
I’m probably wrong but that’s nothing new.
If that’s the society fixes itself now, no wonder I am destined to be this way forever.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Oh yeah the group chat thing drives me nuts. One one one chat I can handle but only when the listener is decent.
I don’t trust people at all, I try to here, but it is extremely difficult. I go to the rooms and witness those things and my trust battle is lost.
Wishes wishes wishes, that seems to be the question,
The wish I have for myself, the ability to just open the door step thru and disappear completely forever. Just vanish completely. Poof….my body disintegrates into the ground.
Sometimes I think it would be nice to control these brain flickers, That seems to be the only way to get a break from the never ending onslaught of thoughts and visions. Even though I don’t know what happens or for how long they happen, a break is a break.
I know I pushed people away and I haven’t changed what I think about all that. But if you’re going to support what I say or at least use that to show someone is reading what I write, feel free to write your comments or whatever, I apologize if I don’t respond, I am still really really stuck, struggling at the same level I was.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm still around. I just sometimes fall back to regroup. Plus with it being Christmas today many people spend it with their families.
No reply or response needed. I come here willingly with no expectations :) if the replies overwhelm you you can make a thread and put no replies in the title. People respect it and will just read.
@mytwistedsoul
I don’t mind replies, I just feel guilty if I don’t respond.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Ok :) Most people don't mind if you don't reply. They understand that people need a place to vent or ramble.
I don’t like who I am, I am wallowing in self hatred. I have pushed everyone away to try and keep them safe from my toxicity, my extreme negativity. Everyone here struggles with their own issues and they are all affected in different ways . I struggle with why I am still here posting my struggles so openly here for others to freely read when they need positivity surrounding them not what I have to offer.
When I have an episode and manage to find my way back here and reread some of these things, and things start to come into focus, I am ashamed of myself for sharing so much negativity and hopelessness with people who need support and love, not what I am sharing.
My struggles, maybe documenting them can do some good long term, but in the short term?
I am enveloped in the darkness. It surrounds me. Eating at my entire being. I wonder sometimes if I should just relax and let it enjoy its meal. Hoping that the toxicity raging through me will poison it and get it away from me and everyone else.
I have to stop for now
@Iamwhoiamwhoami What if I told you I felt the same way? I don't like myself a whole lot either. There are many others who probably feel the same way.
What if I told you that writing here - that sharing here - even the negative things helps other people? That feelings like that are relatable for others and helps them feel less alone? I don't see the toxicity tbh. What I see is someone that's hurting and being completely up front and honest about it.
It's better to release things on these pages than to internalize them. That's just my opinion :)
@mytwistedsoul
I would tell you you are probably right .
@Iamwhoiamwhoami It's okay to be you. It's okay to be not okay. No one will think any less of you. We see how hard you try and I'm proud of you. The people you pushed away? They didn't go very far Iam. They're still there. And I'm often only a tag away. It's okay to need support and encouragement. It shows you are very much human :)
