Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

Type type - delete. Once again try to explain something that shouldn't need to be explained

I sent in an anonymous appreciation for you this morning. Why? Because I appreciate the kindness you show people and wanted you to feel good about things. Then I read about my being quiet and my making comments about being quiet. I want you to know that while some things may have contributed there are other reasons. Maybe it's just something I need to work through for myself. Maybe my saying it out loud is to show how silly this silence is. Maybe I have an internal gag in place. Maybe I'm working through things from the past that I'm uncomfortable sharing here publicly. Maybe I just don't spend much time here anymore. Maybe I just have my reasons - reasons that have nothing to do with you or anyone else on the outside. The struggle with writing isn't even new and I think you should know that. It's not meant as dig or a jab. Believe it or not but as far as I know nothing written in the past many many months was any reference to you. So what I don't need or appreciate are the little threats of for everything you don't say there's more you could say - especially when I haven't even done anything. I hope you'll remember that that can be a two way street. If you go - that's your decision- your choice. But I'm not going to be one of those reasons. I'm not taking the blame on this - not this time. I want no role or part in that because despite you thinking that no one cares - they do - I do too but I don't know if it's welcomed. The same with supporting you - I don't know if it's welcomed or wanted - so I do it quietly and there are people here who need you - not because you do things for them or because you're useful but because you are a life line to them. You give them hope and a safe space - that's not a bad thing in my opinion. It's admirable because not everyone can do it

Idk - so you do what's best for you but please leave me out of your decisions. As for me - I'm going to post - and panic and probably regret everything I wrote on the off chance it's all taken the wrong way

it wasn't the leaving. I do understand that but the words that cut the deepest. They're what's hard to forget but I guess I deserved them. I've often wondered how you would have felt if I would have said all those things to you

It's hard to be honest when you have to be careful with everything you say. It doesn't matter how cautious you are - how mindful you are with your words - there will allways be someone who has a problem or an issue with what you say - so why worry about it? I thought I was doing good ya know? If I talk - trouble. Goof around and act ok - then I have no remorse. Say I'm quiet - trouble. Nothing is the right thing

There's worry because I allways seem to be in trouble for something I say. There's alot of fear of trouble. Trouble means punishment. Yes I know I'm not a kid anymore but yet - I have child parts that still worry about that. Just like the fear of not getting things done by a set time or maybe not getting it finished at all. Doesn't matter what it is - washing dishes - showers - laundry. There's allways fear

The first post on here is July 1st 2020. It even says then that I've been going quiet - so the fact that someone is upset because I say I'm quiet is sort of - really confusing. I didn't know that was off limits or I wouldn't have said it because I really was trying to be good. There really are alot of reasons behind it. I can practically pinpoint when it started though lol

😅 I'm getting nervous lol and my minds going blank because I'm not supposed to talk. Do you see the trigger? (let's take some deep breathes) i try not to talk about understanding anymore. I don't need anyone to understand anything anymore because I don't understand myself most of the time

Why's this still on my mind? Because I thought I was doing good and - Idk

probably said too much all ready - I'll get the bulls eye ready 😞

Are all families made up of nothing but lies? Like everything was just one big f*cking illusion?

Have you ever had someone say something that you wrack your brain trying to make sense of what they said but you can't make sense of it because it doesn't make any sense? Do you think people sometimes just do it say things to keep you off balance?

It's as if we're all sleeping. Stumbling through the days. What did you do today? Idk. Things. I did things today. What did you do?

I don't think things ever actually get better. We just learn to keep a tighter lid on them. We learn to hide things away. We smile and nod and say we're fine and move about the day. Lose our grip in quiet away from prying eyes. Maybe we've learned the lessons. Gone isn't really gone. Not here. We're not fooled by any false sense of security. I'm not sure how to change this. Time?

We learn new things. We try to make things work. More alarms and more notes because forgetfulness is worse.

We discover new family skeletons in different closets. Which has caused even more doubts and distrust. Of course the people who hold the answers have passed. Maybe those answers don't even matter. I doubt they would change anything anyway. Sometimes things just are. No rhyme or reason. They just are.

If I'm honest - I'm having a tough time. I struggle to share anything because brain says it's stupid to share. And honestly - who really cares anyway? I'm temporary. I think maybe I'm ok with that. I think maybe I have to be ok with that

I celebrated my birthday two weeks ago. I got a card from a friend here. It was really nice of them to put it together. Four days beforehand I got a text to call my father's wife. One of those things that you know can't be good. I mean I don't think I've ever talked to her on the phone. So she texts and I called. My father was in the hospital. God - long story short - he's got stage 4 cancer. His lungs - kidneys - and there's a mass growing in the bones of his skull. There - I said it. Now it's real right? We've been trying to repair and build a relationship. Granted it had been a year since we saw each other but we text - have the rare five minute phone calls

He starts chemo tomorrow. I guess he meets with a radiologist on Friday. I can't even begin to tell all the thoughts and feelings that have been bleeding all over the place. Guilt - anger - sadness - fear. Idk how to deal with all this. So I guess I shut down. Withdraw and deal. Ok not really deal - there's a lot of dissociation - even just talking about it - thinking about it

Idk - guess that's all I wanted to say right now

So I said it out loud. Made it true. Can I unsay it? Take it back? No? Yeah I figured as much

I thought there would be time. There's never enough time. Wanna pull back and away. Don't need to know him because it's just going to hurt. Regret if we do. Always racing the clock. Tick tock. Time hates us. People we get close to disappear. They die. Stop coming around. Move on. I tell myself it's ok. But it not. It's just what you get used to

They're buying him time. With these treatments. That's all. And his chances - aren't good. He goes for radiation this coming week. For what's growing in his head. He's lost a lot of weight. Forgets things easily. He said he's terrified. The man that is so big in my mind and I can't

Nightmares flashbacks and intrusive thoughts have been daily companions and I'm tired - weary. There's no pause button - wait wait let me catch my breath - just let me catch up

Idk - too many things to say but it wouldn't make sense. I don't know if I can do this