Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

Has it really been this long?

He's in the hospital again. He had a fever. They think he has an infection somewhere but they can't seem to pinpoint where and his hemoglobin was unbelievably low. He had two transfusions. The week before he had a reaction to the transfusion he had to have

He called a few weeks ago. Didn't say much - just that the doctor doesn't give him long. Told me to keep it to myself. Said she gets too emotional. Guess it's easier with me because I tuck those things away. What I don't understand is that the pet scan showed that the tumors weren't actively growing. Unless that's just what he's saying. I think he went to the appointment by himself. On good days I know he does drive himself. So it's possible he's not telling everything. Or - and I hate to say this but maybe he's exaggerating? That sounds so bad. Pretty sad to say I don't trust a dying man

I'm struggling with time. Falling behind on things. It's been weeks since the field was mowed apparently because it's so tall

Depression seems to be a reliable friend. God it's getting heavy each day

some thoughts are heavy. I think they get heavier as the night grows darker. Like any pain that gains strength at night. What starts as an persistent ache in the afternoon becomes a steady throb that beats along side your heart. Nothing stops it. You can't exercise them. You can bury them but they just keep resurfacing.

A while back we went to the beach. It was a spontaneous trip that happened after visiting my father. Over labor day weekend we went again. Totally planned and booked in advance this time. Stayed at a resort and tbh didn't really enjoy it lol

The beach is nice - all the people not so much and it was a holiday so there was a lot of people. I like the ocean. It's amazing - the power behind those waves. Scary. The sounds of them and seagulls. They weren't allowing people to go far in the water because of rip currents - not that there was any interest in that anyway aside from getting feet wet. The sand is a lot of fun and seems to go forever if you dig a hole. Mainly it's the water. There was something - I don't even know how to describe the feeling - to sit on the sand and just watch the water. To see the big ships and smaller boats. The airplanes over head with banners advertising things. Sat there for hours at a time. It was an amazing experience and it took me far far out of my comfort zone. The exact opposite of how things are here on the mountain with it's shade and earthy smells. I think that was the first thing Kade commented about lol. It stinks here

Went to a Tiki bar where we stayed. They had live music at night and fire pits. Totally over stimulating and overwhelmed but survived lol

My father *sigh* seems to think I should come visit every other weekend. I feel bad that it annoys me at times. But he says to come because of a b and c so we make the long drive only to have him say nevermind we'll do it next time. We don't really talk about anything and nothing gets resolved and the more he's visited the more things are noticed. The way he talks to his wife at times. The hostility in his voice. Maybe it's being over thought and the cancer is bringing out the worst of him. I know his wife has said he's depressed but I wonder if she's using that as an excuse

Got obsessed with finding things today. Spent hours looking through a thread. Sixty some pages. Made me anxious and gave me a headache. Found pieces here and there but idk how to. how do I get back to the me I was before? There's so much - anguish? So much loss. I don't like this new me. There's nothing to feel. With everything going on that's probably a good thing

There hasn't been any crying since well it's been a few years I think. Might get ready eyed but that's as far as it goes. Suck it up. Crying never helped anything anyway

Am I ever going to be that me again? Probably not. There's things that happened that changed alot of things. And done is done yeah? Break something too many times and it doesn't matter how good you are with glue. Eventually there will be little pieces missing no matter how hard you try to put it back together

Just going to stop by and sit with you for a little while. You’ve been in my thoughts recently ❤️

Three years ago on this day Kodie was diagnosed with cancer. Thanksgiving Day she was gone. Now it's getting close to Taz's time. And my father has cancer. It seems to be a demented race to see who dies first

Times like this make me think that God is exceptionally cruel. I understand that there's nothing to really help Taz. She's old. Her body and her mind are just slowly winding down. She gets more agitated some nights and seems more lost on those nights. It's heartbreaking. It's something you would think that people would have some foresight on this. I suppose we do but choose to deny or ignore all the signs. We try to prepare and resign ourselves the the grim reality that's on the horizon

Father is almost skeletal. He's been giving things away. Minimizing his space. Maybe it helps him make peace. Maybe he thinks his family will move forward easier if there's less there to remind them of him? I used to feel jealous because they got the better version of him but now I don't. Their version is just different

I don't want to do this. I don't want to deal with any of this. It feels like we're surrounded by death. Waiting in limbo for the next step. It's heavy and depressing

Dread. That acidic feeling that sits in the pit of your stomach. It kicks up the scared little rabbit that resides in your chest. You can almost hear your heart break. That first rip that slowly tears it in twos and three's and finally shatters into more pieces than you can count

The stupid thoughts you get thinking you'd rather do this or that. Anything except what you truly have to do. It doesn't matter if you see it coming. It doesn't matter if you try to prepare for the inevitable. You can brace yourself all you want it's still going to knock you on your a*s

The time has come to say goodbye to our sweet girl. It's the right thing to do. She's not suffering but her quality of life sucks and it's not as if she's going to magically get younger. So we struggle with the reality of reality. And the reality is she's getting worse. It's getting harder to get her to eat and drink. She loses her balance so easy the past couple of days. She bumps into things more even though we're so careful that nothing changes in her space. I hate this. We all do

We postpone. We stall. We get through things one moment at a time. Taz is still in the world of the living. She's not worse but not better. I know - I know - I suck. A lot of disagreements. Fear. She's the end of a chapter. My father is another chapter's end. What then? 

The days pass in a blur. They all look the same at this point. Summer has passed and it's getting colder here. Not much got done this year. The garden was started but harder to maintain - it didn't do so good this year

Between the dog and the travel times to visit my father. There's not much time for anything except maintaining things the best we can. No wood stocked up. The shop looks like a junk yard. The field needs mowed. I'm a wonderful example of tried but failed. The schedule is so far out of whack it's not even funny. I'm trying to just roll with it - knowing it won't last forever but it feels like it will. It's hard. Life is hard. The seasonal depression adds to the rest of it. Nothing seems to help

My father is doing a small bucket list. And took a trip last weekend. Idk - I'm not - idk. It's all just so hard to grasp and there's still some denial. Acceptance is a b*tch