Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

Thank you to whoever ❤️

I don't remember much of the past week. I know I talked with people here and there but I'm not sure who all it was. Makes me feel bad sometimes because I should be able to remember. Maybe its a sign that I should just keep my mouth shut

Insecurities reared their heads. Makes me want to drift back into the shadows. Thought about lifting the no reply on here because I admit - sometimes I could use some support but I can't. I would end up regretting it. Taking from others who deserve it more

Praise is such a struggle. It feels nice at first and then it gets twisted and becomes a negative. Fishing for compliments J? I know I'm a disappointment to some people. An inconvenience to others and a bad memory to a few. I'm sorry for that. Sorry I can't be more

This is a hard time of the year for us. The weather turns colder - the days shorter. We're alittle like plants in the way that we do best in warmth and sunshine. Cold rainy days cause us to droop. Memories creep in like a heavy frost. Death and loss - sadness. I'd love to be an animal that hibernates but I'd probably be the only one with insomnia. Painfully aware of the dark cold

It's raining and windy this morning. Which we need the rain but not the wind. Lost two trees last week. It's been dry this year. The damp cold makes bones ache as we get older. But its light out now and there's animals that need fed

What a pathetic fucking excuse for a human you are J. Too much or not enough. There is NO inbetween.

Sometimes the reality of a situation hits so hard it feels like you could puke

Rapid switching. Smh - no good. Too much anxiety off the charts. Trying to keep things from falling apart

Looking for something I wrote here I wanted to add to. A post. Can't find it. Maybe it got deleted or edited. These days anything possible. Doesn't matter I guess. I can see it in my head. A name and a wink. Didn't think I'd have to say this but it was a way of saying I know. I know who it was. Appropriate? Maybe not but I guess I shouldn't have to explain it either. It wasn't making fun of anyone's struggles. The fact that anyone would think that I'd do that obviously doesn't know me at all. That's not something I've ever done. That's one thing I'm sure of. But I also know that sometimes people just only see the worse in me. There's assumptions and jumping to conclusions and all that. It's not the first time. There's not much I can do with that and I shouldn't have to defend what I write anymore and people will think what they want

Another thing I guess is that I know the bridge burnt. I have no intentions of crossing it. I won't look for support in certain areas because tbh I don't think I could stomach it. I don't darken doorways that I know I'm not really wanted and I won't ask for false sympathy or pity or empathy or even mercy - what ever you want to call it

Guess that's all I wanted to see. Let's see if it blows up or bites me in the ass 👍

Nothing like a mountain sized headache first thing in the morning and nausea. And an attitude to boot. An hour and a half of sleep. Rudely disrupted by a nightmare. Figured I'd pop in here for a distraction. I seriously have to question the maturity of some people. It says something when you'd rather leave then talk things out. It says something that you drop a bunch of things on my lap with out even saying hello or asking how things are. Everyone seem to forget that this is a member account. There's no thought to how things are going here. No thought to things that there could be struggles here. You know what? Go ahead I can be your whipping boy. God knows I've been somebody's whipping boy for years. So I guess if you're gone you may as well stay gone. You show me what you think everytime you leave things unresolved.

I think one of the hardest questions to answer is how are you. I never really know how to answer. Sometimes things feel ok with some inner rumblings. Sometimes it's chaotic and makes no sense. The value and comfort of silence gets rediscovered and while it's probably not very healthy there is a peace to it knowing that the thoughts and feeling you have can't hurt anyone and in turn you can't be hurt if they're tossed back at you. There are things that I'm probably not remembering right. I doubt my memories more than ever lately and the feelings and thoughts because I honestly don't know any more if any of them are right because it seems they're not. Somethings start with such clarity but then it ripples and fades and there's too many questions but they get forgotten so quickly. I've been trying harder to not bring much of what I think and feel here - at least not in any deep way. I check myself at the door. It's safer

The things that have happened here the past few days has caused many different reactions. In the moment do what needs to be done to protect others and fall apart afterwards. Raging in my head. Yelling - outrage. Sadness. Anxiety. Panic attacks. Sickness. Stomach issues have been a problem lately and we're eating alot of antacids on top of the preventatives we were taking to begin with. Stress has not been kind and energy gets depleted so easily. I can feel a disconnect starting. I haven't liked who I am for a long long time

I had a holy sh*t moment last night. You know - one of those moments where something clicks into place and it all makes so much sense. It sits you down and you're not sure whether you should laugh or cry so to be on the safe side you do alittle of both and then have a panic attack because it's as if you found and put together a secret piece of some great mystery that had been hiding for a very long time

Go to bed have nightmares about snakes - a warning?

Start the day unsure of who you are exactly - try to catch to elation of that mystery piece you put together the night before. Only now your holy sh*t moment has turned into an oh sh*t moment because you realize just how woefully ill equipped you are to handle the situation and once again you have to sit down but this time all you can do it sob and think I can't do this. I don't know how to do this and I'm afraid - dear god I am terrified. The list of things I need to learn gets longer and longer and i have a bunch of half feral children I'm supposed to parent

Idk - Idk

How?

Have you ever stopped to think of how much pain this place holds? All the written anguish. The tears. The sorrow. Cries of the future. Cries of the past. Those inbetween moment where you're wondering aimlessly. So much sadness.

I'm sorry - this might bounce around and it might get long - just thought I should warn if anyone actually reads this

He says to write. I don't think he realizes how hard it's gotten. *I try not to say someone doesn't understand anymore* Everything is second guessed - third guessed. It's easier to just be quiet. Then no one gets upset or offended or hurt - myself included

Since getting sick in October - time has been more fluid. It moves in drips and trickles - sometimes in great floods. It's harder to keep track of. I lose track of days so easily anymore. I try to find things to keep me tethered but it's hard. Switches are more frequent. And often unplanned for. Most of the other's ask for time out. Headaches - anxiety - and yes the dreaded depression seem to be a constant

I know some of it is the time of year. Holidays have allways been hard but this year it seems to be hitting harder. More nightmares - more flashbacks. Sometimes anger and frustration. More memories. There's a constant feeling of tension - needing to be on guard. It rides in my back and shoulders which makes them both hurt more - which brings more memories. Sometimes I think we've moved past some things only to find that it's only been moved to a different location. It's often found at the most inopportune times. There are times I find myself crying and I don't know why. I get distracted alot and I keep to myself much much more

Sometimes I have questions but no one available to ask. I push them aside because I try not to make assumptions. I have regrets for things said and done but can't take them back. Things I'm trying to comprehend and understand better. How sometimes there seems to be a double standard. I've learned to be more cautious as a result

I try to make sure we have some fun here and I'm trying to parent the littles but I'm finding it hard when there were such sh*tty role models. We decorated for christmas - alittle tree and lights outside. Got the sleds out - snow is on the way. Warm clothes dug out of the closet. Z spilled orange drink all over the kitchen floor and felt so bad about it but it really wasn't a big deal. We cleaned it up. Had a 15 minute debate at the store over coloring books lol

There's a new one here. He came forward while being sick. I don't know much about him yet and we're trying to figure out what his *job* is. I think he's another protector. His name is Briar - because as he said - he can be a bit of a pr*ck. My mentioning him is ok but it does make him alittle uncomfortable

Idk - I can feel it start to slip alittle here so I guess I'll shut up now. Let's hit post quick before I can delete and cancel it all