Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

10:37 am

It's like we become our own sound proof rooms. Nothing comes out but everything inside is chaos. Things are on fire. Smoke fills the air. The sound of the screams all contained within. It's noisy inside but silent outside. Ask for nothing
Anxiety and depression walk hand in hand. Everything else is watered down. But sometimes things ooze out - usually when they shouldn't. I am a watered down version of myself with barely any hint of flavor of the J that once was. I've no idea how to get that back. I can force it for alittle but it's like smoke and fades quickly. Weight the curious parts down. Hide the innocence. The older one's are aware of the issues because we fight. The littles we try to keep blissfully unaware but they know things aren't the way they used to be no matter how hard we try. One even said he'd wants to run away - which he can't but yet he can - if that makes sense. He could hide again which would be about the same thing I guess

I put lol alot of times in posts when I should actually put nc for nervous chuckle. Because I don't think I really genuinely laugh anymore. Doc Z worries and we tell him not to. I really don't think he believes it which is ok because I don't either. It's as though we're frozen in place - literally and everything just shuts down and we linger on life support. It gets the job done but it really isn't living. Sometimes I wonder if we haven't started to decay and just stink up the place

It's sad really - when I read posts I wrote in the past. There was freedom with words - thoughts - even feelings. Now everything is weighed and measured before it's typed. I take more time when replying to anyone because of this. Even speaking out loud to people. Worrying if it sounds right - can it be taken the wrong way - will it hurt anyone. Will it come back to bite me? What do you do when the lessons of the past meet the lessons of the present and they match up like pieces of a puzzle? How do you argue that? How do you fight it and with what? It seems like my arsenal is empty except for a rusty butter knife
*lets post and feel bad about it* 11:33

I tried to write yesterday - four times. I type - delete - type some more and then close everything. It happens with discussions - replies - it's like every word has to be fought for. Literally. I get shaky and sometimes my mind goes blank or it feels like I'm going to be sick - got that going on right now. I'm supposed to fight through it but it's tiring

So - there's alot of anticipatory grief happening lately - things going on that noone knows. The dog - she's gotten old. She can't hear - she can't hardly see and she sleeps alot. You get where I'm going with this? I don't want to actually type it out or even say it out loud but it's known that some day soon - I mean she eats - she still has silly moments - so she's not suffering. I guess - I'm afraid - of so many things with this. Idk if my heart can take another big loss like this - I'm afraid I'm going to lose my shit. Yeah - I know alot of people would think it's just a dog - but to me that's my friend - that's my family. With everything that has gone on since Kody - she was there
Yeah -

Words words - words. I still write and delete. I'm hoping today will be different

I realized some things this morning. I'm learning - I'm trying to practice things I say to others. It's not easy. I'm trying to stop seeing things as mistakes - looking at them as learning experiences. I'm trying to be patient - with myself and the healing process. That's not easy either. Some days are worse than others - but some days are better too. I'm learning again that it's ok to make connections with people. I'm learning to check in with the other's more

I try to be more aware of influence and I try to challenge it. That's also not easy. Nobody said this was going to be easy. But it can be done - right? Just have to work harder - I mean we have to try right? Maybe all that matters is that you try? Enjoy the good days - don't question them - don't overthink them - just enjoy the moment. Enjoy the peace - even if it is short lived
I know there's so much more that needs to be done and I am trying to rise to the challenge

Yeah -

Still writing and deleting and keeping to myself. But sometimes I do reach out to other members - all depends on how I feel at the time I guess. Sometimes there's regret afterwards - thinking I shouldn't have said anything - someone else could say it better or that OMG will there be follow up questions?

This may be a bit whiny lol
Took a spill - down a hill and messed up an ankle pretty bad. Not even exactly sure what happened tbh - lost footing or something. There was some weed whacking that needed to be down in front of the house on a steep bank. Next thing I know I was on my back with the weed whacker laying beside me. This can't be good right? Lol - it wasn't. The ankle felt wrong. You know that feeling? Like you haven't seen it yet but you know something isn't right. Trying to walk felt like there were glass shards in it. Took allmost an hour to get back to the house. It's broke :( Now we're stuck with crutches - which aggravates other past injuries and just makes everything hurt. Just miserable right now. Plus doctors - er visits - being touched - so much has had to be put on hold and it takes longer just to do what absolutely has to be done - animals and garden. Especially on days like today when it decided to hit ninety! They're calling for storms later too - so hopefully they're not too bad
Problem is - there's a fear of going out in public like this. Fear of - so many things with being injured. Weakness - calling attention because of the crutches. Usually going out in public we try to be inconspicuous
Even talking about it here - admitting that there's something wrong - talking about it - calling attention to it *sigh* it's allways something. It's going to be hard because it seems the only way I'm able to function is if I'm too busy to think about things - now? I can't be as busy but I'm trying to listen to what the body says and allow it to rest or it will just get worse - but the thinking? The thinking is damaging too :/

Post and regret :P lol

Have a headache. Got triggered and pissed off in a chat today. Could feel it coming and left before anyone could say something we might regret. He's been pissy since. He said it was insulting and its things like that that make people question the validity of things and even makes us question ourselves. What if we're all just full of shit? I can't explain it right at the moment or go into detail - head doesn't want to cooperate

I can see now that at times I've been some what of an enabler :/ things I should have said something about but didn't. I chose to soothe rather than disagree because I figured it wouldn't be well received

Do you sit in silence? Everything swirling inside? Thoughts and emotions collide. Clashing and warring with each other. Questions begging to be asked pushed quietly aside. Like an idiot you close your eyes and a name pops in so you send good vibes. Across the universe from this space to yours. They slip through windows and slide under doors.

Sleep is an issue right now. Talking is an issue. Trying to process new information and having trouble doing it - is an issue. A few emotional moments scattered through out the day. Too many thoughts to contain in one head Lol - not funny but there was a cartoon explosionand thoughts of chemical muzzles?

I trip over my words like I do my own feet. I take big pauses sometimes in order to respond and not react. I allow myself that now. Because reactions cause chain reactions. Sounds easy doesn't it? It's not - it should be but it's so freaking hard. Like trying to hold back a flood and I slip away so easy sometimes. I keep my chill sometimes until I can fall apart later - all the things I could share - probably should share. I can feel the panic rising at the very thought of it 😅 and a loud resounding NO 

And type and delete - eh - it was worth a try

Sorry doesn't magically make everything better. Wish it did but it doesn't but god I wish it did. It didn't erase anything. It's turned too far inward I guess

There's anger - at another issue. Something that triggered things related to something else. K says everyone wants to talk to him until He wants to talk with them. Then he is scary to them but his whole job is to protect. He is supposed to be scary
His anger eats alot of energy - we've been trying to figure something out on energy management but so far nothing helps. Maybe because of the triggers right now and everything just being chaotic

Trust for most is at an all time low. Too much heard it before. Was foolish the first time - not falling for it again

Sadness and anxiety and it feels like there's no safe place to put any of it - so we carry it

Post and regret

If I'm honest I don't blame anyone for bailing. If it feels like too much for me it stands to reason that it would be too much for anyone else. I'd bail on me too and yeah - I realize how lousy that might sound. Weak and pathetic but I hate how lonely this feels except for that one hour each Wednesday. For that one hour I'm not alone with this shit

As usual I'm torn writing here but this is my space right? Safe space

Woke up with a jerk gasping for air. It sets the tone for the whole day doesn't it? All day you spend trying to calm everything down. Normal things that calm seem to add to the semi panic you feel. The thoughts - such a wide selection and they get jumbled. The words you write don't make sense. Anxiety meds help but it's like your body knows it's a chemical calm and not natural. Shaky hands spill drinks. Gotta clean it up before - before what? Nobody's in trouble. Accidents happen. That's what paper towels are for

This cast causes problems. It slows mobility. You have to keep moving or they'll catch you. Nobody's coming - it's safe now

Reminders to be told all day. It's all ok

Sometimes there's that feeling - the pull of water. Gentle yet relentless. Persistent

Trying a shoe this morning seemed beyond me. Just couldn't seem to grasp the concept *smh*