Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

If I'm honest - things have been kind of rough around here since Saturday. The anxiety has gotten really bad and I'm allways shaking

Saturday night - Idk what happened - it was a fairly good day - got alot of things done - had a nice evening playing games - took a shower and later went to bed - woke up a couple hours later - couldn't breath - was making that noise you make if you get the air knocked out of you - felt that way - next thing - it was hours later

Sunday evening someone was assaulted at the little park they have in town - there's houses all around it - someone should have heard something. It was 4-5 in the evening

Two people in the neighborhood have had their gas tanks drilled and drained in the past week. There's alot more wariness with people - strangers. Just constant being on guard - not helping the anxiety ya know?

A memory I don't want - not terrible - just sick

Was hoping there was the chat today - but guess not - kind of sucks because I sort of wanted to be around people but yet not lol - guess just maybe wanted the illusion of being part of it

Guess we'll just go out to the greenhouse again

The sun's out today - finally. It's been damp and rainy the past few days. So now the sun's out but it's too muddy to really do much. Probably a good thing - I f*cking hurt today - nothing is helping so far - pills - ice - heat - PMR - nothing touches it. It's like a hard sharp ache - constant . There's alot of dissociation going on - had problems staying present at the pharmacy

Debate at the store over buying chicken - because of the peeps *smh* we're not gonna eat the peeps *not yet* What!? No - we're not eating the peeps *just their children* Stop! He's teasing *no I'm not - it's true - emergency food supply* Can we just please - not? Led to a discussion about chicken nuggets later - because yum! Ckicken nuggets lol - but they don't look like chicken *that's because -* Back off! Ya'll gonna make me lose my mind - up in here lol

Allmost all the strawberry's have been separated and repotted - we now have 170 strawberry plants lol. Some are too young and won't give berries this year but they all look nice. Blueberry's have flowers. Cabbage - broccoli - lettuce and cauliflower have been started and are growing nice - it's too cold at night yet so we haven't trusted to put anything outside. It stay nice in the green house though. Flowers too - of course and a new lily. And peonies lol - they're new too :) I just have to stick everything up my ass so the damn deer don't eat them :/

Met with my father on my birthday. One of those things that seems like a good idea at the time - only to realize later this was a mistake. It started out weird because he commented that he thought I wasn't coming. * I was two minutes late* Those were his very first words - not hey or hi but I thought you weren't coming. I of course said I was sorry I was late. Talk was sort of - forced small talk in the beginning. We ordered and he talked about the woman he's with now and her daughter - how she's starting college - wants to work with animals. How they go out for breakfast together on the weekends - if his gf has to work. The hardest part was watching his face light up when he talked about her - how animated he'd get talking about her - how she's fun to hang out with

Not once did he ask how I was - what I'm up to - I was just a listener for him. He showed off his car - he has a new charger. We touched on the past just a tiny bit - said if I knew what he knew - how he could tell me things. I could feel I was losing it from that first - thought you weren't coming - I only remember bits and pieces and it's like the memories are faded - dulled down to pad the sharp edges. We asked him if he thought things stopped after he left - because they didn't - they got worse - much worse. He said well it's over now - that's a good thing and look you got this cool place in the woods to live now - not many people can say that. Not many people can say that. Yeah - the consolation prize. Never mind that I'm the way I am - never mind that I have no family - never mind that I'm so fucking fucked up that I have no life of my own - I got a cool place to live - yay me. I've never told him what I've been diagnosed with - that's not something I'd tell any of them. Noone outside of here and Doc Z know. They'd find a way to use it. But I'd give it up living here in a heart beat to be even remotely close to normal. To say I went to college for - Idk whatever - I'm a doctor - a lawyer - a freaking mechanic. I can't keep my shit together from one day - no one minute to the next some days - how the fuck would I handle college? I'd be ninety before I'd get a degree. God just to have some freaking support from family - someone I could trust - they're all cut throat - they would sell each other out in a heart beat to save themselves - to admit to any truths. For him to say I have no idea what he had to put up with - was that our big moment? You show me yours - I'll show you mine? Let's compare scars - he can show where he got his appendix out and I can show the burns - the whip marks - the chunks of meat she took with finger nails - am I angry? Are any of us? Oh yeah - and hurt - alot of hurt - all the time. I was never what he wanted - I'll never be. Not to any of them. It's just us - it'll probably allways be just us because you can't trust anyone. In the end the only person there for you - is you and a shrink and he's only there because you pay him to put up with you lol

Even here - I feel shy peopling with people right now. A couple of days - feels longer then it actually was but yet it feels like yesterday. Like that feeling of sleeping and it feels like you've slept all day but it was only an hour but you feel - off. A day late and a dollar short

Proud - that's what. He was proud of her. Idk if I've ever made anyone proud. When was the last time I did anything for anyone - me included to be proud of?

Maybe - I just see everything wrong. It's perceived wrong. Viewed wrong. Taken wrong *lays head on desk* I'm so confused all the time. Maybe what was seen as attitude was anxiety. Maybe what seen as comparison was just explaining. Maybe everything is just - wrong. Idk what to think anymore

I think maybe I'm emotionally constipated - I haven't given a shit in days. Sounds sad but I don't care about much right now. The world's gone nuts - people are making up rules as they go. Everything I want to say seems wrong so I keep quiet. Some days I think too much and some days I don't think at all. I'm just a shell. A shell of a shell ;) how do I lose the numbness? Is this because of meeting with him? When does this stop or get better? There used to be days that felt better - now? Idk - every day just feels so heavy anymore and I feel so incredibly weak

Things are still screwed up here. The time lines. The notifications. Little things that mess with my head and make me question my memory more

Had a bad night last night sleep wise. It was good up u til then. Sometimes the house feels foreign and once again I was afraid to sleep. To close my eyes. My mind plays tricks on me and I think I hear things

There's some suspicion about another situation

All this has spawned a pretty wicked headache

Grocery shopping is getting worse with the tendency to hoard things but at least it's an organized hoard. The shelves at the store are emptier. Things twice as expensive. Its just triggering alot. We're slowly getting more organized with things. First was the cupboards and drawers and the closets. The attic is still a nightmare but it's a little better. Things taken out of boxes and put in totes. Its funny the stairway to the attic is in my bedroom. Its stairs and then a door in the floor that works with weights. I used to be terrified of that stairway - I'm not sure why. Its better now - but I can't look that way after dark. Kind for sucks because you have to walk past it to the bathroom. Its ok as long as it's light out but after dark? No. Not sure why I shared that tbh

Idk - it's allmost 3 and I don't know where the time went again. I remember being in the greenhouse and giving bugs to the peeps but after that? Idk

Sometimes there's this vague sense of loss. It feels slightly worn and faded. As though it's been visited so many times. I can't really explain it. It's like a memory of a memory.

Take a breath and unclench your jaw. The day slipped. It was off to a good start and then it slipped. Caught my grip and stopped it - only to slide again a few hours later. Caught another hand hold. Thought I had a tight enough grip but not long after it slipped again and it feels like it's turned into a free fall

Thoughts go straight and then go wild and they're hard to make sense of and then they disappear and there's a feeling of so much loss all the freaking time. So many things I want to say but the words don't want to come out right and I tell myself why bother because I just sound stupid

It's funny the way the time goes. Minutes into hours. Hours into days. The days pass so quickly but sometimes the time goes slow - if that makes any sense. A few days ago I thought it was March lol - I'm not sure why. I felt stupid - for lack of a better word. For a few days - it was like I couldn't string together two words and when I could they seemed to rhyme. I had no thoughts that I can remember. I realize what weekend it was last week - so maybe that explains it. It's allways a hard weekend

We keep busy - that's one good thing about this time of year. There's allways alot of things to do. The garden is growing nice - it's fenced in now so no deer can get in. The peeps are getting big and now we have the one's we ordered so they're on the incubator. 21 days. They gave two extra eggs - I guess just in case? But some of the eggs are a soft bluish green color - so we're curious what ends up hatching. We'll leave them sit for a few days and then candle them to see if anything is happening. Fingers crossed. There's been new additions to the lilies and new trees being grown. Some mornings we take Danny out for a ride - sometimes it's closer to evening since it says light longer. It's peaceful being with him - focus is on him and his footing and our surroundings - there is no room for other thoughts

Last night was a bad night for sleep and there is a raging headache and thoughts. I keep to myself more lately - try not to bother people. Sometimes the whitewash in my brain sticks alittle longer and the words are dim - not forgotten but muted more. Easier to ignore and socialize but then other days they're painfully obvious and they claw and scratch open some of the wounds again. There was a wave of sadness this morning and for the first time in along time - I allowed the tears to come. Allmost reached out to my listener - but didn't - what was on my mind doesn't matter - Besides I have a good idea what they would have said anyway lol - so I'll save us both some time