Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

Too many things - too many feelings - too much conflicting. Amusement - anger and anxiety and as stupid as it sounds - teeth do not feel like mine. Trying to be cautious with words and thoughts. Paying attention to breathing and trying to keep it all under control - I'm fooling myself. I'm only half in control because he lets me. But he watches everything now it seems - and he knows - he knows. It's foolish to think he doesn't

Been trying to work on some of this shame - the shame of being a boy. We talked about parents - was there SA in her past - Idk - did he ever r*pe her - Idk. It explains some of it I guess - but it's not like she was ever open to ask questions. This shame has been there for so long - it got triggered really bad in a SA chat last week. Thought it was all ok until it wasn't - and there she was - telling me this is what men do to women J - this is the disgusting thing - they take and take - but she took too - she took from me - she took everything and it's difficult to see her as a victim - and a part of me feels sorry for her - grieves for what might have been taken from her too. She took - after he left - we became the one - he did anyway Beau - and it's sick - she's sick - I'm sick I don't like this

not just boys do bad things

I'm - fuzzy - foggy - my top doesn't want to connect to the rest. It's like the morning after an all night bender. Noticed earlier that there's some slight swaying or rocking going on physically - something - feelings of seriousness but still amused - so - I'm like seriously amused lol - Idk - having trouble remembering things I just did until I go to do it and then see oh - it's done and thoughts - jesus I can't keep them straight today or they just poof - and erased. I think Doc Z must have said my name a million times today to get me to focus - he said he was admitted he wasn't too sure about letting us leave because things were so - wonky - he helped us get grounded or tried - we can be really good at faking the whole get it together. After taking a few minutes to rediscover the art of starting a vehicle - we went to the store - kept it together with bribes lol *smh*

It's like someone shook my snow globe and I just watch the glitter pieces fall and think - ohhh pretty

Had alittle bit of a melt down yesterday - previous post sort of shows how it started. It's hard to wrap your mind around things - the possibilities - the enormity of situations - wondering what I missed - having questions I should have asked years earlier but are unable to be asked safely now - I have admit - we really miss the grandparents lately :(

Trying to follow a suggestion about no coffee before food - coffee being the reward for eating - so far that hasn't been going too good

For everything you understand - there are a thousand things you don't. For everything you think you know - you don't know shit

There's a winter storm watch in effect - we could get over a foot with this one - winter has finally arrived - Kind of looking forward to it tbh - tomorrow should be busy - a load of hay coming tomorrow and then moving some down to the feed room next to Dan the Man. Plants to take care of in the greenhouse - wood to chop and stack but busy is good - Busy works for me - even if I'm not completely present - just have to be careful

For as much of an asshole as I'm pegged to be - I'm not as big of an asshole as you think I am. You think I talked to your friends? I didn't. Go a head and ask them. The fact that you would think I'd do that - yeah - I spoke here and there - that I am guilty of. I didn't pull anyone to the side and talk to them privately. I wouldn't put anyone in that position

Just thought you should know. I'm guilty of something I didn't even do

Idk - just wanted you to know that

Anger has been a problem today. Practically panting from it. Shaking from it. We need to calm this down. Breathing exercises don't work if you're not the one pissed - Idk what to do. I know why he's pissed but we need to let it go. As long as we know what's true that's what matters right? We don't need anymore bullshit but it feels like this head wants to explode

Went for a run in the snow under a day late full moon. The anger has eased some. It's smoldering - waiting for something to breath life into the flames

Thoughts now are on dirty clothes and the things we did to try and clean them when we were on the streets and before then. How they never seemed to fit - she hated having to buy new clothes for anyone but herself. Guess maybe that's why we do wash all the time here now and buy socks all the time. The fear of ruining new clothes and the fact that we wear things until they're unsalvageable and even then they get hung in the closet afraid to throw them away. Something is better than nothing. New clothes hang in there too but those are considered good clothes and not worn except for appointments - kind of backwards I guess

Thoughts too - of someone else's post about the angry voice - the relentless pushing to punish. The constant screaming to do it that never stops. The damage we do trying to silence it but it never lasts. Maybe we buy a few hours or a few days if we're lucky. I know that voice well. I know how they wear you down to the point you have no fight left but God - you're so grateful for that little bit of time that they stfu. But you know in your heart you're on borrowed time and it'll start again

Had a click ding moment on friday - that moment where something clicks into place and ding the light bulb comes on. I was kind of excited at first the - but then Idk - maybe I over thought it and once again lost something in the translation and I realized that there was no right way and it wouldn't have mattered anyway and I'm not sure which is worse - does that make sense? Me either

You should be able to know your own mind - ya know? And I don't - Idk why all the thoughts are so different - Idk what to do when I feel every thing and nothing all at once. The anger and the gentleness - conflict so bad. How do you hate gently?

Found that if I make sure I'm really calm and grounded I can enjoy a shower - if not - the dissociation and panic hits and that lasts hours - some times days. Sometimes minutes feel like hours but turn into days and it gets so confusing because the time is just gone - it's past and I don't allways know who took it

I haven't felt the way I think I should feel as me but then some times it takes so long to remember who I am - time to feel how I think I should feel but then Idk if the way I am feeling is right

I find random cut and bruises. Thought thieves run rampant. I hear alot to back away - back away and nobody gets hurt but someone allways gets hurt don't they? I will hurt someone else - I'll say or do something - right? There's anger with that thought and a quick moment of clarity

None of this makes sense

My head is fucked up today. It's fucked up every day some days just worse then others. Idk what's right to feel - what shouldn't I feel and why can't I make any sense of any of it? I feel like beating my head against the wall it's so frustrating. Why can't I keep it straight? If my thinking is wrong what makes it wrong? If I'm not supposed to feel a certain way - why and how do I stop feeling that way if it's wrong? It's like everyone is entitled to feel how ever they feel until someone disagrees with it - then what - we just say ok and stop thinking and feeling that way? I see mistakes I've made - I can't erase them - I can learn from them but it seems I can't even do that right either because it all gets so screwed up in this stupid head! I should have been a muppet

That's a lie. I feel sorry for you - because you're blind to your own behavior. I feel sorry for you because you have a double standard

We let things slide and I think that's where the problem started. We let things slide to keep the peace. But keeping the outside peaceful only caused inner chaos. We let things slide because I think on the surface we understand what happens other wise

It's been a constant struggle to keep silent about some things - silent because to say them out loud draws more criticism - more fuel for the self doubts. Silent because despite what some think - we don't want to hurt anyone. But while silence helps keep external peace - it leaves others unaware of their behavior. It leaves them blind. But there's retribution and then there's self defense - people should be allowed to defend themselves - Yeah? But I haven't - I keep taking it and adding it to the evidence that's all ready there. I don't because I think the truth would hurt - it wouldn't hurt me outright - it would hurt other people - my hurt would just be a consequence of hurting others. I don't because there would be excuses and defensiveness. Does that make sense?

You can have the guilt back - I can't feel guilty anymore for things I didn't do - you want to add words or rearrange things to make yourself feel better that's ok - IDC any more. You want to point fingers and make accusations you have no proof for - that's ok too - none of this is new ya know? The more shit you say - the more truth of yourself you show - the more the mask slips and that's where the problem lies isn't it?

Certain patterns noticed but dismissed or ignored - maybe because of lack of knowledge - maybe because of reasons made above - maybe because - Idk There's alot we're still trying to figure out

I think we've been so shutdown recently that there are no words that work - there's so many things kept inside at this point - the walls to thick - it's allmost impossible to open up right now. Maybe it's just resignation - it is what it is

I just can't make sense of some of the things in my head right now - the thoughts - the serious thoughts are there and gone all in the same breath - they swirl around and I can grasp them but they're like smoke and they disappear just as quick. If I try to force myself to remember the thoughts - I get a headache - like a screaming headache. I can focus on other people - my mind clears for that but when it comes to talking about things in my head - I just can't seem to break through the barrier. The message board is erased. Maybe I'm trying to erase myself

No mercy for anyone who challenges your - beliefs? Mindset? How many times did we see it in action?