Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

Things haven't been too bad here. There are still bad days but there have also been some good ones too. Little things done to help with other things. The discovery of wire lights has helped in the stairway and bedroom. The stairway has purple ones and the bedroom has gold colored ones wrapped around two dragon statues. We have alot of fun watching the chickens and last weekend a new addition was added here in the form of a horse named Danny. He's an older guy but he needed a home so his owners didn't have to send him to the auction. So far it's been really nice having him around. He nickers in the morning when he see's us - singing for his breakfast :) It's really calming to spend time grooming him. Tbh - there was some concern about getting him at first because horses were a big thing when we were younger and there's some trauma around them. So we're careful and mindful of things when we're with him. All in all so far it's been a pleasant experience and we're happy he's here

Last night we spent time playing with a toad that found it's way onto the porch. You can find bug videos on youtube and he was trying to eat the bugs that crossed the screen - the phone had toad tongue prints on it lol!

We learned at an early age to keep records of things - conversations and such - to try and help keep things straight but sometimes it doesn't work and things get alittle twisted but it's helped sharing these things with Doc Z to get his take on it and he helps shed some light on it and helps things get untangled. I guess we started doing that because there was alot of people saying that it didn't happen that way or they like to change the narrative of things to make themselves look or feel better. That's a big thing with the family because god forbid they look bad in anyway. So a big thanks to Doc Z and his seeing what I mean - It helps keep it straight and helps when people seem to think I need to defend my thoughts and feelings - Rock on Doc Z! An awesome listener helps too - to have someone else to share things with - that understands and explains things so that I can grasp it when the comprehension isn't there - Thank you for your patience and understanding that it takes me awhile to catch on - only to turn around and have to rehash the same thing again - you are awesome! These people have no idea just how much I appreciate them

Other than that - understanding this hurrying thing helps with the anxiety with certain chores - paying attention to how we're breathing during those times has helped alot. And being mindful to it helps us take a step back and remind ourselves that there is no need to rush - it's ok to take our time and maybe even enjoy some of the moments. Like shower's - washing dishes. There's no rush - no need to race the clock. Sometimes we forget and the panic sets in but it's getting better

The arrival of Beau has help to understand something better about some of the fears we have and he's pretty awesome. His enthusiasm and enjoyment of things is amazing at times - even with all he's been through and we've enjoyed showing and sharing with him the good things that are here on the mountain

Wow - Tazzie gone. I didn't talk to her much but when I did she was so nice and now she's gone :(

There was some sadness last night - death has a way of bringing that around. There were thoughts of the grandparents and their passing. The dog and her passing but we honored them by allowing the grief and the tears to come. It's hard to believe that this past sunday it had been a year since she was diagnosed with cancer and the clock started ticking. And for as sad as it still makes us sometimes - we're still grateful that we were given those extra weeks to do special things with her - to show her how special she was. Tbh - that sadness is still there right now and I've caught myself having to wipe my eyes more than once today and - I'm ok with it. The tears don't cause the shame they once did and I guess it shows some growth here on our part - that's a good thing I think

Which to ask forgiveness for -

What I am or what I am not?

Which should I regret -

What I became or what I didn't?

Put your teeth away

Today hasn't been a good day. I written and deleted so many times I've lost count. Nothing in my head makes any sense. I think about accountability and justifying. I'm trying to be accountable for the things I've done. I've apologized for things I've done wrong. I'm not perfect - I never claimed to be. I wonder if I do more harm then good being here. No matter how careful I've tried to be - I mess up. Doesn't everyone? I try to be gentle with myself with these thoughts but its hard on nights like this. I have to watch everything I say because people make assumptions. I think that's something we all do too. I have to watch too because there's some influence and I have to double check that I'm writing what I'm trying to write. I'm really tired of being me. I'm tired of having to explain everything and not being able to. I'm tired of being disposable. I'm tired of questioning everything I think and feel. Is this right? Am I allowed to feel this way?

I saw a thread that asked what three things has life taught you - I've learned that life isn't fair. I've learned that people tell you what they think you want to hear - whether it's true or not. I've learned that most people feel no remorse for the things they do. My family doesn't. They dont think they've ever done anything wrong and the way my head is right now - I agree. I got everything I deserved with interest

As an added bonus I've learned you can't trust anyone - even yourself - maybe especially yourself because your head tells you lies

There's more I could say but why - why bother with anything. I'm tired - we're all tired and confused - maybe that just our natural state. And I can't - I just can't - not anymore. I'll be the villain ok? I'll be the bad guy - it seems to help people sleep at night. I don't think my parents ever lost a night of sleep. Maybe beating your kid is tiring work - I guess maybe in her mind it was justified. Maybe it was - if it wasn't why would she have done it?

I'm sorry if anything I wrote here offends anyone. I seem to be good at that too

Things are slowly making sense. The pieces falling together - slowly. Contact and interaction between us and outside people has been so limited - we're really stunted here. We've been learning about many of the phrases thrown around here. Projection - deflection and baiting. We understand better what invalidation is and what it isn't. We're working on watching our reactions. Which isn't easy because some of us have stronger reactions than some of the others do

We see examples of loyalty in someone we know. We find it amazing tbh. The things that they deal with from someone they care about. Sometimes its confusing because the concept is alittle foreign - the depth of their loyalty

We've found a few people here that genuinely understand the turmoil we have here. Its helpful because we don't feel like we're the only ones with these problems

Anger is a problem sometimes because one of us has things to say but he's been asked not too - its not worth it. He seems to allways be on guard. He says he understands but doesn't like it and we try to find ways to work out the anger. Chopping wood - running - keeping busy. Doc Z tries to talk with him but he has no patience for therapy most of the time

We've replaced some equipment and repaired others and are slowly getting ready for snow - yuck

The horse has been a nice addition and we've started taking short rides. It was triggering at first because there are many bad memories around horses but we've also discovered some good ones and found it to be relaxing and rewarding. They're really in tune with people and he helps remind us to slow down and be calm

Some days are good and some days are bad but we're learning to sit with the emotions better - to recognize them and acknowledge that they're there. On the days when they're too much - we have someone we can talk to about it - sometimes the same things over and over - but they're patient - open minded and understand the concept of so many different feeling from different places from everyone

Doc Z says it's progress and to be proud of these steps - to acknowledge how hard we're all trying - even on the days when it feels like we're getting no where

For now its enough

I'm extremely grateful to someone - the person who helped me get these threads restored. Thank you! Words alone don't seem like enough - but I am eternally grateful

*sigh* Where to start? I had everything deleted for awhile - this is the second time this happened. I let someone's opinion help me decide that I was a shitty person. I made myself as small as possible and I was slowly disappearing inside myself. I silenced myself. I'm hoping with having these restored - I can find the part of me I lost. I've realized that people don't have to agree or approve of what I'm saying - they don't have to agree with the thoughts and feelings I have - but that doesn't mean that those thoughts and feelings are wrong. I think too many people don't know how to look at things from someone else's perspective - we all see things differently - we all feel things differently. Being a multiple - there are often so many things seen in so many ways - with so many feelings. From who cares to wow that hurts and as hard as some of us try to keep our feelings to ourselves - sometimes things bleed through. There are things that we're still trying to learn how to control and at times things are really unstable. There is a constant feeling of alertness because the littles were involved with the last hurt inflicted even if it was mainly aimed at me - should I deny that? No - I don't think so - it would be unfair to them. They've been hurt enough and so have I and the other's

So if you read this and have a problem with the things that are said - then leave - stop reading - stop visiting this thread - because no more abuse will be tolerated. If you can't be nice - then stay away. If you've nothing nice or positive to say - then don't say it. Some people have caused enough harm. Considerate it a warning - as scary as that sounds

Some days things are ok - some days dissociation is a b*tch and tbh - for alittle while not knowing what year it was was causing problems. Some mornings - I can't remember who I am - the face is unfamiliar in the mirror - other days I am painfully aware of who I am - what I am. And I get so angry at times - for the things that were done - the things that made me into who I am - who we are. I'm told it's healthy and it's ok to be angry - it's our way of saying we know what was done wasn't right - we know it wasn't right - we just have to use it constructively - use it to grow - which seems impossible some days because it feels so consuming - anger is a scary emotion for so many of us - not just here but for anyone who was abused. And it's ok - it's ok to be mad and be scared - don't let it freeze you - don't let it silence you. So write - write for yourself - write for others - write so it doesn't choke you. Let it out - other people will read - maybe like me you don't want comments - people will still read - you're being heard. It's important to be heard - to tell your story. Let those thoughts and emotions be written or they will smother you otherwise. Some people will understand - some people might not - and that's ok - you're here for you - if other's can learn something from what you're going through that's great - but ultimately you're here for you. For some of us - other then a therapist - this is what we have and I know I'm not alone with that - but we have each other - here and for some of us that means the world right now

Be gentle with yourselves and your thoughts

This constant sadness is is old. I'm not even sure what it's from and why it's there. But ti's too the point where I'm wondering if it was allways there - I'm not even sure how to explain it tbh. There are times when there's fun and I enjoy things but there's allways this underlying sadness and Idk how to shake it

Having some trouble recognizing my hands - because they don't look like mine. Trouble with trust - for myself and other people - trouble with trusting words - constant worry about being a pest - of hurting people - or being hurt. I think I mean well but what if I really don't? What if I'm so full of shit I've got myself fooled?

Time passes each day and alot of days Idk where it went. Like - I know but yet I don't know - it makes sense and yet it doesn't. How do you get the two together - find some middle ground so there's some understanding? How do I get some self confidence back - some faith in myself? How do I stop feeling like I'm wasting space and everyone's time? How do I make sense of all this nonsense?

Its like you're driving along - the sun is shining - its a beautiful day - you're enjoying the ride and you just decide to drive into wall - why? *shrug* I dunno

Wtf? There has to be some way to get all this shit together

They say if you get up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before - that's bravery

But - doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is insanity

So wtf am I?