Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

Thoughts circle but I'm the peg. Came creeping in on the wave of other thoughts. The sharks in the water. Drawn by the blood. There's a flaw in the design. Made by the cruel creators of fate. It's too late to change the plans because the build has long since started. How do you sleep at night? How do you look yourself in the mirror? Do you feel nothing? Cold callus bitch that you are. Eating with the enemy. They're your enemy too. Do you honestly think you hold any worth to them because you share blood? You sell your soul to her for a few tidbits. A few moments of her time. Her audience. You justify it but there is no justice. Not for me. Never for me. One day you'll see. One day you'll see and you'll be all alone and in those moments of silence you'll think and reflect on the monster YOU are and those thoughts will tear you apart. And I will relish every single fucking moment with a smile on my face.

What's wrong with me? Not the mental health crap - just me as a person? Was it me? Something in me? *you did the best you could - you can't help the way he turned out* Idk where I'm going with this

The day of grandmother's funeral - noone said a word to me - didn't even look at me - I was invisible to them. Do you have any idea how painful it is to be with a group of people all mourning the same loss but yet you still don't belong. You're the ghost that walks amoung the mourners. You've lost the last and only person who showed you any kindness - love. There is noone else

All the lies they told each other - the excuses they made for her - for themselves. The reasons for the abuse - *why do you make me do this* it all plays over and over and I never asked for any of this. Who would?

And I want to delete this lol - because it doesnt matter - it doesn't go away - it doesn't get better. So why say anything?

Idk - feels like I'm just wasting everyones time

But it was a decent day - until it wasn't. How do you resolve something that has no resolution? Why can't we just let it go - make up the answers we need and be satisfied with that? Why does the suffering continue? Idk - I'm tired - I'm restless - I'm a million things all at once and yet - nothing at all and I'm not sure which is worse

Sometimes things pop into my head - places I don't remember ever being at. It's hard to explain. The emotions that accompany it. Like I watch myself watch it but it's not me watching. Idk. They're vivid. Looking out a window of some high up place. Seeing all the lights - seeing all the traffic. Exhaust from cars - steam from vents. It's cold? A big city? I don't remember being at any place like that. It fades away but the impression of it is still there. Like a negative from a photo - an imprint. The memory of a memory. And I notice that writing this has caused some anxiety *smh* Just like the old house - the staircase - the fear that one causes. Is this yours? He nods yes - care to share? He nods no

Eventually

So when does it stop? When does it all stop hurting? I'm not even sure if it's my heart or my mind that hurts more. I think they're both alittle deluded and confused sometimes. There's things I want to say but someone said not to - but it makes it hard to talk about anything because it's all one tangled mess. One feeds the other and the thoughts chase each other around until it's all so confusing and makes no sense. I tell myself it doesn't matter because history has shown that it doesn't matter. And I wonder - is this what you wanted? The words - least amount of damage - repeated over and over and I can't help but wonder - for who? Because it sure as hell wasn't me because I'm alittle fucked up here. But it wasn't fair to you either - and I wish - it didn't matter but it does because you do and I don't and I get that. God knows I get that and I have to live with the choices I made - the consequences of those choices and tbh - I don't know if I can. But that's my choice too but I try to believe the pretty lies I tell myself - that it'll be ok - it'll work out in the end - knowing full well it won't. Just because it was my choice - doesn't mean I'm not allowed to have feelings about it - but I fight with myself over those feelings because saying and doing are two different things and you left no room for any more discussions. No - anything. I'm tired of feeling guilty and ashamed everytime I write something because it's hard enough to write any more because - like I said everything is a tangled mess and I try to cut out the bad parts but the whole things is unravelling and my soul feels naked and everything is raw and I thought it would stop but it doesn't - it just never stops. But you showed me - you're stronger then I am. Yeah - it does help to talk about it but I try not to but some days - I can't help myself because if I don't it eats away at me and there isn't much left anymore and now I'll feel like an ass because I did

Lost about four hours this evening. Got a thumper of a headache now. I'm tired - haven't been sleeping too good lately. Not that I ever did before but lately it's been worse. Intrusive thoughts seem to creep in and theres a restlessness

Had a really awesome conversation with someone today - they help get a few knots out of the tangled mess - hopefully I can keep it that way

Keeping busy - the garden is growing nice - there's fence up to keep the deer out now. Might even get a few plums this year

Took a shower and finally shaved - haven't been able to look in mirrors for awhile. It'll get better eventually - it just takes time - look at that- sounds alittle hopeful doesnt it? shhh - let's not scare it away

Still want to shy away from writing though - the urge to delete things is hard to deny sometimes

For now - sleep - let's be hopeful about that too :) fingers crossed

There's been alot of feelings of anger the past few days. Inadequacy - defunct. Shame - guilt - remorse. I try to fight it but I can't. Too much says other wise. It's harder to trust - harder to see the good. Harder to believe the words. Harder to not see the damage. I understand my worth now - I really do. I know it's not much. So I try to be quiet, try to stay out of sight out of mind. I think about leaving cups alot but I don't have anything else other than Doc Z - IDk - maybe that should be enough

There's things I'd like to say - but don't because they're mean and I really don't mean to hurt anyone. And what's done is done - it can't be taken back. Someone made sure of that - I learned that. Everything I tried to do right - was wrong. I have questions but not sure I want the answers - Idk - maybe I don't need answers - there's enough evidence

I'd like to quiet my thoughts - Idk - it's all my fault anyway - can't complain when you do it to yourself - right? I'm sorry - ya know? For any pain I caused to anyone - for the things I said wrong - the things I did wrong. For speaking when I should have been quiet - for being quiet when I should have said something

Thank you for reminding me of my place - Kudos

I need to find something to keep my hands busy - should be interesting as shaky as they've been lately lol - good times

If I'm honest - last night was alittle rough. Restless but tired. Nothing could quiet things. If it wasn't the noise in my head - it was the intrusive thoughts. You know - the kind that make you flinch

I think the Red Queen has set her sites on the younger ones. Telling them things. One of them said last night about feeling like a burden and he's just been sad lately - he won't say much about it right now. It's allways kind of catches me off guard because he's usually a pretty happy kid. Lol - he likes to tell knock knock jokes :) I know she doesn't bother me as much when the depression is pretty bad - because I don't care. It's like there's a wall around me that she can't penetrate - Idk. The anxiety still hits sometimes at weird times. Things that there were time limits for. So we try to remember we're not racing the clock to avoid her wrath anymore. Dishes can take time - showers should be relaxing. Bedtime should be relaxing and pleasant - not laying in fear of her bursting in - the door slamming the wall - no screaming. We can rest - its safe to rest- to sleep. Tazzer is there right beside us - our hand on her side - feeling the rise and fall and then - a new memory - the rise and fall does it - Kodie - those last moments - when that rise and fall - stopped

It's ok to cry

Got hit on the head on Friday by a branch lol. Knocked my noggin - bumped my bean lol. Guess it's kind of not funny because since then things have been hazy - fuzzy - blurry. Muddy and murky. It's been hard staying present

Idk - sometimes all the thoughts are like a current and I guess I get carried away by it and lost in the ocean of it

Sharing is harder and harder - there's thoughts that anything shared is a potential weapon that can be used against us. Fuel for manipulation. Noone will get that close again - there is no such thing as unconditional

lol - apparently it takes an hour to write - what - twenty sentences?

Last week was pretty rough. Twice ended up an hour or so away from the house with no idea how or why. Then a dentist appointment. Anxiety has been pretty high and headache - holy cow. Just split my skull. Today was a de/r day - funny because the field needed mowed. Alot of forgetfulness. Idk - some days are sad - some days are mad - some days are emotional - some days are numb and I can't seem to find anything that helps. Like I'm incredibly and hopelessly lost and some days I dont care. Some days I want to rip off my skin and silence the nonsense in this head. I had a sense of humor - a couple months ago. I miss that - being able to joke around alittle. Every thing takes energy - it takes energy to live and I'm still laying where I fell. Probably have mold growing somewhere
There's another member here with the same thing - I think they're alittle older and they're still having problems and I cant help but think this will never get better and we're foolish to ever think it would
I even joined a musician on YouTube for their live streams and take part in the live chats - I dont say much but this person usually replies back to me - which is kind of cool
I worry about taking the wrong vibe to people's threads - I think I am - maybe - Idk. I just feel so incredibly stupid all the way around - stupid for thinking - for feeling and stupid because I'm not even sure I can explain why I feel that way. Some days I feel so childish and other days I feel so old. Idk - maybe after everything that happened - maybe now I finally become bitter - maybe now I can be just like her. I think I'd rather die first - maybe everything is just frozen and I just need to *let it go*
Be gentle with yourselves and your thoughts - Sounds good doesn't it - do you ever actually do it? I rarely do either

Seem to be having trouble with words today. *think before you open your mouth* Yesterday was anger - rage. It seems to simmer in the back ground for awhile and then some little happens and you blow a fuse. Been trying to do constructive things with it but it's hard sometimes - now we're back to the clenched jaw and tight muscles
sitting outside - its easy to get lost In the sound of the locusts in the woods but then something is caught out of the corner and the anxiety spikes and I feel shaky - fearful
I ask Doc Z these things and he says it takes as long as it takes - its a marathon J not a sprint. I don't tell him that answer is unacceptable and we don't say it pisses us off. Slight smile - nod and say ok
Saw a fawn alittle while ago - shared it with someone here on their thread. Innocence - peace. I wish I could give some peace to people. Funny I can't find my own
Sometimes there's a pressure in this head - building building building - up up up and it has to be forced Into a manageable level *you're at a 15 I need you at an 8*
Idk - I do stupid things but I do them well
Sometimes we're afraid to walk Into the bedroom if its dark lol. There's nothing in the dark that isnt there in the day - even the monsters come out In the day
I think theres too many here right now - it's crowding makes it hard to breath