Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

God don't read this crap. It makes no sense and in just sound like a lunatic

Found out two aunts died. One to su*cide and the other one a heart attack. I don't remember either of them but there are memories

The neighbors had to put their dog down on Friday. She had been diagnosed with myelopathy about two months ago and was slowly getting worse. Sad thing is - I was freaking out all day and I couldn't figure out why - shows how in tune I am with what goes on inside right? It wasn't until much later that it clicked. Memories - we all had them

I start answering check in here but then I delete them. Usually after the how are you question. I have listeners that well most are those give and take conversations which is ok - mostly. I usually end up listening more than talking. Poor boundaries on my part and being used to pushing things down - at least until there's no room to push down anymore and then I lose my sh*t but hey I've learned to do it quietly and by myself - so - two thumbs up

I'm finding its next to impossible to get some things done here. Bad communication or something. Its alittle like being on the phone and everything is automated. I don't like having to bother people for things - even if is what they volunteered for. I don't like make more work for people. We got so used to being the only ones we can depend on - its really hard going to someone and saying hey - can you help me with this or that

Pissed at Logan for not signing out of something and pissed at myself for not noticing sooner. Failures like that are taken pretty hard still

Thoughts get stolen away mid stream. I forget sometimes people I've talked with or not really forget. Just the constant doubt of - did I talk with this person before? I think so - maybe not - Idk

Noise well - sound has been an issue at times. Searching for complete silence but it's never completely silent

@mytwistedsoul ugh - brain work with me

Thank you to whoever ❤️

I don't remember much of the past week. I know I talked with people here and there but I'm not sure who all it was. Makes me feel bad sometimes because I should be able to remember. Maybe its a sign that I should just keep my mouth shut

Insecurities reared their heads. Makes me want to drift back into the shadows. Thought about lifting the no reply on here because I admit - sometimes I could use some support but I can't. I would end up regretting it. Taking from others who deserve it more

Praise is such a struggle. It feels nice at first and then it gets twisted and becomes a negative. Fishing for compliments J? I know I'm a disappointment to some people. An inconvenience to others and a bad memory to a few. I'm sorry for that. Sorry I can't be more

This is a hard time of the year for us. The weather turns colder - the days shorter. We're alittle like plants in the way that we do best in warmth and sunshine. Cold rainy days cause us to droop. Memories creep in like a heavy frost. Death and loss - sadness. I'd love to be an animal that hibernates but I'd probably be the only one with insomnia. Painfully aware of the dark cold

It's raining and windy this morning. Which we need the rain but not the wind. Lost two trees last week. It's been dry this year. The damp cold makes bones ache as we get older. But its light out now and there's animals that need fed

@suBSea This is disrespectful and unacceptable! Why would you do this?

What a pathetic fucking excuse for a human you are J. Too much or not enough. There is NO inbetween.

Sometimes the reality of a situation hits so hard it feels like you could puke

Rapid switching. Smh - no good. Too much anxiety off the charts. Trying to keep things from falling apart

Looking for something I wrote here I wanted to add to. A post. Can't find it. Maybe it got deleted or edited. These days anything possible. Doesn't matter I guess. I can see it in my head. A name and a wink. Didn't think I'd have to say this but it was a way of saying I know. I know who it was. Appropriate? Maybe not but I guess I shouldn't have to explain it either. It wasn't making fun of anyone's struggles. The fact that anyone would think that I'd do that obviously doesn't know me at all. That's not something I've ever done. That's one thing I'm sure of. But I also know that sometimes people just only see the worse in me. There's assumptions and jumping to conclusions and all that. It's not the first time. There's not much I can do with that and I shouldn't have to defend what I write anymore and people will think what they want

Another thing I guess is that I know the bridge burnt. I have no intentions of crossing it. I won't look for support in certain areas because tbh I don't think I could stomach it. I don't darken doorways that I know I'm not really wanted and I won't ask for false sympathy or pity or empathy or even mercy - what ever you want to call it

Guess that's all I wanted to see. Let's see if it blows up or bites me in the ass 👍

Nothing like a mountain sized headache first thing in the morning and nausea. And an attitude to boot. An hour and a half of sleep. Rudely disrupted by a nightmare. Figured I'd pop in here for a distraction. I seriously have to question the maturity of some people. It says something when you'd rather leave then talk things out. It says something that you drop a bunch of things on my lap with out even saying hello or asking how things are. Everyone seem to forget that this is a member account. There's no thought to how things are going here. No thought to things that there could be struggles here. You know what? Go ahead I can be your whipping boy. God knows I've been somebody's whipping boy for years. So I guess if you're gone you may as well stay gone. You show me what you think everytime you leave things unresolved.

I think one of the hardest questions to answer is how are you. I never really know how to answer. Sometimes things feel ok with some inner rumblings. Sometimes it's chaotic and makes no sense. The value and comfort of silence gets rediscovered and while it's probably not very healthy there is a peace to it knowing that the thoughts and feeling you have can't hurt anyone and in turn you can't be hurt if they're tossed back at you. There are things that I'm probably not remembering right. I doubt my memories more than ever lately and the feelings and thoughts because I honestly don't know any more if any of them are right because it seems they're not. Somethings start with such clarity but then it ripples and fades and there's too many questions but they get forgotten so quickly. I've been trying harder to not bring much of what I think and feel here - at least not in any deep way. I check myself at the door. It's safer

The things that have happened here the past few days has caused many different reactions. In the moment do what needs to be done to protect others and fall apart afterwards. Raging in my head. Yelling - outrage. Sadness. Anxiety. Panic attacks. Sickness. Stomach issues have been a problem lately and we're eating alot of antacids on top of the preventatives we were taking to begin with. Stress has not been kind and energy gets depleted so easily. I can feel a disconnect starting. I haven't liked who I am for a long long time

I had a holy sh*t moment last night. You know - one of those moments where something clicks into place and it all makes so much sense. It sits you down and you're not sure whether you should laugh or cry so to be on the safe side you do alittle of both and then have a panic attack because it's as if you found and put together a secret piece of some great mystery that had been hiding for a very long time

Go to bed have nightmares about snakes - a warning?

Start the day unsure of who you are exactly - try to catch to elation of that mystery piece you put together the night before. Only now your holy sh*t moment has turned into an oh sh*t moment because you realize just how woefully ill equipped you are to handle the situation and once again you have to sit down but this time all you can do it sob and think I can't do this. I don't know how to do this and I'm afraid - dear god I am terrified. The list of things I need to learn gets longer and longer and i have a bunch of half feral children I'm supposed to parent

Idk - Idk

How?

Have you ever stopped to think of how much pain this place holds? All the written anguish. The tears. The sorrow. Cries of the future. Cries of the past. Those inbetween moment where you're wondering aimlessly. So much sadness.

I'm sorry - this might bounce around and it might get long - just thought I should warn if anyone actually reads this

He says to write. I don't think he realizes how hard it's gotten. *I try not to say someone doesn't understand anymore* Everything is second guessed - third guessed. It's easier to just be quiet. Then no one gets upset or offended or hurt - myself included

Since getting sick in October - time has been more fluid. It moves in drips and trickles - sometimes in great floods. It's harder to keep track of. I lose track of days so easily anymore. I try to find things to keep me tethered but it's hard. Switches are more frequent. And often unplanned for. Most of the other's ask for time out. Headaches - anxiety - and yes the dreaded depression seem to be a constant

I know some of it is the time of year. Holidays have allways been hard but this year it seems to be hitting harder. More nightmares - more flashbacks. Sometimes anger and frustration. More memories. There's a constant feeling of tension - needing to be on guard. It rides in my back and shoulders which makes them both hurt more - which brings more memories. Sometimes I think we've moved past some things only to find that it's only been moved to a different location. It's often found at the most inopportune times. There are times I find myself crying and I don't know why. I get distracted alot and I keep to myself much much more

Sometimes I have questions but no one available to ask. I push them aside because I try not to make assumptions. I have regrets for things said and done but can't take them back. Things I'm trying to comprehend and understand better. How sometimes there seems to be a double standard. I've learned to be more cautious as a result

I try to make sure we have some fun here and I'm trying to parent the littles but I'm finding it hard when there were such sh*tty role models. We decorated for christmas - alittle tree and lights outside. Got the sleds out - snow is on the way. Warm clothes dug out of the closet. Z spilled orange drink all over the kitchen floor and felt so bad about it but it really wasn't a big deal. We cleaned it up. Had a 15 minute debate at the store over coloring books lol

There's a new one here. He came forward while being sick. I don't know much about him yet and we're trying to figure out what his *job* is. I think he's another protector. His name is Briar - because as he said - he can be a bit of a pr*ck. My mentioning him is ok but it does make him alittle uncomfortable

Idk - I can feel it start to slip alittle here so I guess I'll shut up now. Let's hit post quick before I can delete and cancel it all

Type type - delete. Once again try to explain something that shouldn't need to be explained

I sent in an anonymous appreciation for you this morning. Why? Because I appreciate the kindness you show people and wanted you to feel good about things. Then I read about my being quiet and my making comments about being quiet. I want you to know that while some things may have contributed there are other reasons. Maybe it's just something I need to work through for myself. Maybe my saying it out loud is to show how silly this silence is. Maybe I have an internal gag in place. Maybe I'm working through things from the past that I'm uncomfortable sharing here publicly. Maybe I just don't spend much time here anymore. Maybe I just have my reasons - reasons that have nothing to do with you or anyone else on the outside. The struggle with writing isn't even new and I think you should know that. It's not meant as dig or a jab. Believe it or not but as far as I know nothing written in the past many many months was any reference to you. So what I don't need or appreciate are the little threats of for everything you don't say there's more you could say - especially when I haven't even done anything. I hope you'll remember that that can be a two way street. If you go - that's your decision- your choice. But I'm not going to be one of those reasons. I'm not taking the blame on this - not this time. I want no role or part in that because despite you thinking that no one cares - they do - I do too but I don't know if it's welcomed. The same with supporting you - I don't know if it's welcomed or wanted - so I do it quietly and there are people here who need you - not because you do things for them or because you're useful but because you are a life line to them. You give them hope and a safe space - that's not a bad thing in my opinion. It's admirable because not everyone can do it

Idk - so you do what's best for you but please leave me out of your decisions. As for me - I'm going to post - and panic and probably regret everything I wrote on the off chance it's all taken the wrong way

it wasn't the leaving. I do understand that but the words that cut the deepest. They're what's hard to forget but I guess I deserved them. I've often wondered how you would have felt if I would have said all those things to you

It's hard to be honest when you have to be careful with everything you say. It doesn't matter how cautious you are - how mindful you are with your words - there will allways be someone who has a problem or an issue with what you say - so why worry about it? I thought I was doing good ya know? If I talk - trouble. Goof around and act ok - then I have no remorse. Say I'm quiet - trouble. Nothing is the right thing

There's worry because I allways seem to be in trouble for something I say. There's alot of fear of trouble. Trouble means punishment. Yes I know I'm not a kid anymore but yet - I have child parts that still worry about that. Just like the fear of not getting things done by a set time or maybe not getting it finished at all. Doesn't matter what it is - washing dishes - showers - laundry. There's allways fear

The first post on here is July 1st 2020. It even says then that I've been going quiet - so the fact that someone is upset because I say I'm quiet is sort of - really confusing. I didn't know that was off limits or I wouldn't have said it because I really was trying to be good. There really are alot of reasons behind it. I can practically pinpoint when it started though lol

😅 I'm getting nervous lol and my minds going blank because I'm not supposed to talk. Do you see the trigger? (let's take some deep breathes) i try not to talk about understanding anymore. I don't need anyone to understand anything anymore because I don't understand myself most of the time

Why's this still on my mind? Because I thought I was doing good and - Idk

probably said too much all ready - I'll get the bulls eye ready 😞

Are all families made up of nothing but lies? Like everything was just one big f*cking illusion?

Have you ever had someone say something that you wrack your brain trying to make sense of what they said but you can't make sense of it because it doesn't make any sense? Do you think people sometimes just do it say things to keep you off balance?

It's as if we're all sleeping. Stumbling through the days. What did you do today? Idk. Things. I did things today. What did you do?

I don't think things ever actually get better. We just learn to keep a tighter lid on them. We learn to hide things away. We smile and nod and say we're fine and move about the day. Lose our grip in quiet away from prying eyes. Maybe we've learned the lessons. Gone isn't really gone. Not here. We're not fooled by any false sense of security. I'm not sure how to change this. Time?

We learn new things. We try to make things work. More alarms and more notes because forgetfulness is worse.

We discover new family skeletons in different closets. Which has caused even more doubts and distrust. Of course the people who hold the answers have passed. Maybe those answers don't even matter. I doubt they would change anything anyway. Sometimes things just are. No rhyme or reason. They just are.

If I'm honest - I'm having a tough time. I struggle to share anything because brain says it's stupid to share. And honestly - who really cares anyway? I'm temporary. I think maybe I'm ok with that. I think maybe I have to be ok with that

I celebrated my birthday two weeks ago. I got a card from a friend here. It was really nice of them to put it together. Four days beforehand I got a text to call my father's wife. One of those things that you know can't be good. I mean I don't think I've ever talked to her on the phone. So she texts and I called. My father was in the hospital. God - long story short - he's got stage 4 cancer. His lungs - kidneys - and there's a mass growing in the bones of his skull. There - I said it. Now it's real right? We've been trying to repair and build a relationship. Granted it had been a year since we saw each other but we text - have the rare five minute phone calls

He starts chemo tomorrow. I guess he meets with a radiologist on Friday. I can't even begin to tell all the thoughts and feelings that have been bleeding all over the place. Guilt - anger - sadness - fear. Idk how to deal with all this. So I guess I shut down. Withdraw and deal. Ok not really deal - there's a lot of dissociation - even just talking about it - thinking about it

Idk - guess that's all I wanted to say right now

So I said it out loud. Made it true. Can I unsay it? Take it back? No? Yeah I figured as much

I thought there would be time. There's never enough time. Wanna pull back and away. Don't need to know him because it's just going to hurt. Regret if we do. Always racing the clock. Tick tock. Time hates us. People we get close to disappear. They die. Stop coming around. Move on. I tell myself it's ok. But it not. It's just what you get used to

They're buying him time. With these treatments. That's all. And his chances - aren't good. He goes for radiation this coming week. For what's growing in his head. He's lost a lot of weight. Forgets things easily. He said he's terrified. The man that is so big in my mind and I can't

Nightmares flashbacks and intrusive thoughts have been daily companions and I'm tired - weary. There's no pause button - wait wait let me catch my breath - just let me catch up

Idk - too many things to say but it wouldn't make sense. I don't know if I can do this

My phone makes me nervous. It's become a bearer of bad tidings. My father's in the hospital again

They did his chemo port. He's been having chemo every day and did a radiation treatment. Friday he started having swelling which was chalked up to the chemo. But it kept getting worse. Saturday he was also weaker. Sunday trouble breathing was added. They did an MRI on Sunday and he has SVC syndrome. They were going to do an emergency radiation treatment but then decided against it. They're not sure if it's caused by the tumor at his aorta or if it's a clot. The doctors are supposed to look at it again today

We had text on Friday - he never said a word. I was told not to come. He doesn't want to see anyone. It feels wrong not to be there. But yet I don't really want to go anyway. Which sounds horrible I guess. But idk if I should follow his wishes or do what my heart tells me

I'm really tired of hearing that death is a part of life. Believe me I know - we all do

What's on your mind? Everything and nothing

My father had his surgery. They did what's called a pericardial window. The fluid around his heart drains into his lungs and then drains externally. He's on blood thinners in case it was a clot and they did emergency radiation on the tumor that's at his aorta *type type delete* :/

I haven't seen him. I haven't talked or texted with him. I feel like the world's sh*ttiest person because I haven't visited him. He said he doesn't want to see me. This has triggered alot of things - again. Reminders how I was an unwanted inconvenience. I want to visit and I don't want to. There's a lot of fears. Fear of disobeying. Fear of seeing him in the condition he's in. Fears of never seeing him again. Sadness and anger. Anger that he's dying. Leaving again after coming back into our lives. Abandonment issues

It's smothering. Claustrophobic. And we can't breathe

How many things can a soul carry? I feel as though I have so many things weighing on my soul at the moment. We're all haunted. By the choices we've made and the choices we have yet to make. If I trust my instincts and the alarms sounding - they all say that someone isn't a safe person. What's the right thing to do?

A little shaky today. Could be the pot of coffee I had or the dozens of different emotions circling. There's hurt in so many ways. I saw my father over the weekend. He's not good at all. There was random breakdowns before seeing him. On the way back home and last night it was worse. Today - just the shakiness and some anger. Everything else is just buffered

It's all happening so quick. He's lost so much weight. His eyes so sunken in. At times he seemed peaceful - just enjoying the day. We sat in the yard and talked. Watched the dogs play. Enjoyed the sun

It's hard to hard to fit the face from the past to the face of now. I never imagined that what's happening would affect things - me the way it is

He hasn't been telling me everything. But his wife tells me more. It's over ten radiation treatments he needs. He told me just three. He told me about the spot in his skull bone but she told me about the other two spots in his brain. He supposed to have a neuro knife thing done. On those two spots. I have to Google it because I'm not too sure exactly. I know it involves a halo to keep his head from moving but tbh seeing him in the condition he's in. Idk. I don't know how much longer he's going to be around. I know I'm not remembering everything right at the moment

People keep telling me to find as much support as I can for myself but idk

* Gamma knife. A neurologist uses it. Thought it didn't sound right

My father text me today. We text every couple of days. We talked a few times but he's only good for a few minutes before he starts to lose his voice. I wish I would have kept a few voicemails. They weren't anything special usually but it's hard to remember what he sounded like

He goes on Friday to have this gamma knife thing done. He's had chemo everyday this week. Friday is an all day thing. There's so much involved with it - just getting set up. They knock him out for alittle to put this box on his head to mark the proper location and to hold his head in place. They told him it's going to be bad. He told me he hopes he doesn't wake up when they put him under. He signs the DNR paper. He doesn't have hope anymore. He told me that himself. What can I say to that when I don't have any hope for anything myself? But if he gives up - then he's done ya know? What do I tell him? Don't quit? Don't give up? You have to fight. Don't leave?

There was random breakdowns then nothing - attention was focused somewhere else and it's like I forget about him. Today the emotions kicked in for alittle. I try to sit with them but it doesn't last long. What's the point in crying? It doesn't get you any where

I got another lesson again in just keeping quiet here. You can ask all the questions you want but any answers you get are vague - if they come at all. People throw in the triangulation word and I shut up. I'm not sure how asking questions about something that you're involved in is triangulation - I guess because there's other people involved. Idk. It feels like you can't talk to anyone about anything. So relearn how to mask and smile and nod. And tuck it away along with everything el

se

Went to visit my father last Sunday. Fathers day. It felt important to see him on that day. He had that gamma knife thing on Friday. She text me Friday night. Said they zapped 2 nasties in his brain and didn't find anymore. He had a h*ll of a headache. Saturday he couldn't swallow anything. Sunday we visited. Saw him about 15 minutes. He's not doing good at all. Monday he got a couple more prescriptions to help the pain. Radiation esophagitis. Tuesday they gave him IV for hydration. Wednesday they did a blood transfusion because his hemoglobin? was so low. Since then he's been eating very little. He so thin. There's nothing left to him. He's supposed to start chemo again next week but they're not sure if he's strong enough for it

God there's so much I want to say here -ya know? But I just don't have the energy to type the words and it's pointless. It would be too long anyway. I'm trying to keep it together but my grip is slipping. I have a little hiding because he thinks this is his fault

It's always so hard to know what the right thing to do is. There's always a war

My father is just getting worse. Weaker and weaker. Idk if it's the treatments or the cancer. He's supposed to go for a pet scan on Friday. He was supposed to have it done last week but was too sick

The dog's getting worse. She still has good days but she paces alot. Her hind end is weaker.It makes the anxiety worse. But it's depressing to know that there's nothing that can be done to make her better. She just old

So I'm running headlong into a wall. I can see it coming and there's nothing I can do to keep from hitting it

I've been noticing things. Things here. And it's pretty sad to see

I'm dissociated alot because I don't want to think about things. I don't want to feel things. They pop up and it's big . It's all so much bigger than I am. So much bigger than all of us. Some days I'm afraid it's going to swallow me whole

Just a vent.... Not sure why I'm bothering to write here. The illusion of being heard. The illusion of "you are not alone" I guess
I'm angry and disappointed and frustrated because I don't feel as though I've been listened to by certain parties. They just do what they want anyway. The feedback is a sham. I think they already have their minds made up but in the spirit of diplomacy they pretend take things into consideration. People say they understand but if they truly did do you think they would still force the issue? If we truly mattered would there be constant reminders of how expendable we are? It doesn't even matter does it? I lie to myself and say it doesn't but it was important. The consistency was important. Maybe not to everyone but it was to me. Don't we figure in somewhere? As part of a community shouldn't we all?

His pet scan showed that the tumors aren't actively growing. That's a good thing. He still has to do chemo three days a week every other week - if I understood correctly. He has to go in every now and again when he's really exhausted and he gets a transfusion because he gets anemic and dehydrated. We visited two weeks ago I think. It feels longer. Time has been weird. It takes a few days to bounce back after a visit

His wife is very welcoming - the problem is she's uncovering lies he told and I'm uncovering lies he told me. She asks questions and I'm unable to answer them. There's a number of reasons why. I don't ask any. I used to want to know things - I don't anymore

I keep a secret from him. I'm not sure why. I guess it's because it doesn't matter? I didn't want it in the first place - I certainly didn't expect it. Was suspicious of it. But tbh - the idea grew and it could have been a life changing moment. We started toying with different ideas. Turns out it's worthless but he doesn't know. Having it could have changed everything but not having it doesn't change anything - so it it what it is

I still get self conscious when one of the others comes here. It doesn't happen often. I shouldn't feel that way - it's not embarrassment - just self conscious

Thought about drinking a few times - more than a few actually - but I haven't. Went a far as to pour a drink and then poured it out. Kudos to me lol

Went to the beach for a few days a couple weeks ago after a visit with my father - that's a post for another time maybe because this is getting too long

Time is fluid. Words are hard. There's a riot of thoughts - things I want to say but I can't get them to work together. It makes me feel like an idiot

Has it really been this long?

He's in the hospital again. He had a fever. They think he has an infection somewhere but they can't seem to pinpoint where and his hemoglobin was unbelievably low. He had two transfusions. The week before he had a reaction to the transfusion he had to have

He called a few weeks ago. Didn't say much - just that the doctor doesn't give him long. Told me to keep it to myself. Said she gets too emotional. Guess it's easier with me because I tuck those things away. What I don't understand is that the pet scan showed that the tumors weren't actively growing. Unless that's just what he's saying. I think he went to the appointment by himself. On good days I know he does drive himself. So it's possible he's not telling everything. Or - and I hate to say this but maybe he's exaggerating? That sounds so bad. Pretty sad to say I don't trust a dying man

I'm struggling with time. Falling behind on things. It's been weeks since the field was mowed apparently because it's so tall

Depression seems to be a reliable friend. God it's getting heavy each day

Oh look two days in a row! Unless I delete this

I'm having trouble with intrusive thoughts. I often feel impatient and angry. There's times that it feels like it wouldn't take much for it to all snap

I start to reply to check-ins or discussions and I don't like the tone I'm bringing so I delete it. Mainly cause I just don't have it in me to get some basic reply. There used to be actual conversations here between people. I'm not pointing fingers in anyway - just an observation

Maybe it's just me. I haven't felt like myself in a long long time. Somewhere along the way these past couple - years? I censor myself. Overly cautious about what's shared

There's a lot of positivity pushing. Which - don't get me wrong positivity is ok in small doses but Idk I can't force it

I've had a headache for a couple of days. I'm alittle tired of my head hurting. I eat ibuprofen like tic tacs thinking it'll help but it just messes up my stomach. You'd think I'd learn

some thoughts are heavy. I think they get heavier as the night grows darker. Like any pain that gains strength at night. What starts as an persistent ache in the afternoon becomes a steady throb that beats along side your heart. Nothing stops it. You can't exercise them. You can bury them but they just keep resurfacing.

A while back we went to the beach. It was a spontaneous trip that happened after visiting my father. Over labor day weekend we went again. Totally planned and booked in advance this time. Stayed at a resort and tbh didn't really enjoy it lol

The beach is nice - all the people not so much and it was a holiday so there was a lot of people. I like the ocean. It's amazing - the power behind those waves. Scary. The sounds of them and seagulls. They weren't allowing people to go far in the water because of rip currents - not that there was any interest in that anyway aside from getting feet wet. The sand is a lot of fun and seems to go forever if you dig a hole. Mainly it's the water. There was something - I don't even know how to describe the feeling - to sit on the sand and just watch the water. To see the big ships and smaller boats. The airplanes over head with banners advertising things. Sat there for hours at a time. It was an amazing experience and it took me far far out of my comfort zone. The exact opposite of how things are here on the mountain with it's shade and earthy smells. I think that was the first thing Kade commented about lol. It stinks here

Went to a Tiki bar where we stayed. They had live music at night and fire pits. Totally over stimulating and overwhelmed but survived lol

My father *sigh* seems to think I should come visit every other weekend. I feel bad that it annoys me at times. But he says to come because of a b and c so we make the long drive only to have him say nevermind we'll do it next time. We don't really talk about anything and nothing gets resolved and the more he's visited the more things are noticed. The way he talks to his wife at times. The hostility in his voice. Maybe it's being over thought and the cancer is bringing out the worst of him. I know his wife has said he's depressed but I wonder if she's using that as an excuse