Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*
I created this space for me to be able to write - whatever is on my mind that I may not want replies too. It isn't that I don't appreciate the replies - it's that alot of times I am really uncomfortable with the support. Sometimes it's the well meaning words get twisted around in my head - sometimes it the well meaning suggestions that are turned around and taking the wrong way. Sometimes - it's fear - rejection - judgement - fear of offending someone with what I say. Even now - the creation of this is - causing some anxiety - and I feel the edge of a panic attack - so let's take a pause and a few deep breaths
I often don't feel as though I deserve support. I waste peoples time and feel like an inconvenience. With that in mind - I've been slowly going quiet
The TW is because - well - lets be honest - if I'm going to put some of whats in my head and and I don't want replies - you dear gentle reader should be warned at least. Because there are times my head is a scary place -
I'll say I'm sorry in advance because sometimes I do swear - I try not to and I try to remember replace some letters - but well sometimes I dont care and sometimes I forget. Idk - I suppose I should say sorry for my sense of humor in advance too - because sometimes it's alittle dark or alittle inappropriate
So - let's post and panic over this now shall we?
I feel like a feral animal sometimes. Tearing myself apart - hoping to build a new animal
It's been awhile since my hands have shaken like they have been lately. It's frustrating sometimes
I'd be lying if I said I'm being gentle with my thoughts and myself - but I hesitate sharing it here
It occured to me the other night - as I lay on the floor staring at the ceiling fan - a dog on one side and a bottle of SoCo on the other - that We've come full circle now. Just some of the pieces are missing now. Maybe this second pass through will go better. I'll do better - be better. I can't say I haven't learned anything. Valuable lessons. Tears for the casualties of my war. Words alone - even looking for something from the Obsure Sorrows book - there are no words that can express how sorry I am to those casualties
Why is it we can be proactive to outside threats * I guess that's what they're called* but yet we self destruct ourselves? And I'm content with that - ya know? I feel no regret when it comes to harming right now - I'm not sure what that means tbh. It feels justified - deserved. I mean I know it's wrong - a wrong way of coping but Idk - maybe I just don't care right now. The hotlines make me nervous at the moment - worried that they'd come and get us and take us away. Ping a tower or something or the satellite reciever. Paranoia is not a friend to anyone
Influence - lol what a hoot. Too bad it's never anything good being influenced and I love being a puppet. Wondering sometimes why I'm doing something but kind of unable to stop
Thoughts are like a squirrel in traffic alot of the time - but then it all goes blank sometimes. It's allmost like that awkward silence at times - where you half expect someone to fart and everyone laughs. Someone realizes the squirrel fell over so - poke it with a stick
Sometimes words get typed backwards and I have to check them. The smartphone has no idea what to do with them and seems to let it go lol
I'm trying to find the light - in this oublette but I keep blowing out my own matches
Made it to day 404 on the growth path today. Brain says page not found lol - J's not found either. Everything hurts and just tired ya know? Can't seem to do anything right anymore. There's too many demons to fight. The ones to fight during the day are replaced by new ones at night. Anxiety and depression are all the time. Can't explain thoughts and feelings and tbh - I'm tired of trying. Can't complain about any of it because it was my choice - well not really but I can't explain that either. I know I probably got all the messages wrong I'm sorry for that. Im sorry for alot of things. The people my choices have hurt. The things I've said - the things I've done. You can't come into my head - maybe if you could - maybe you could understand what I can't. Maybe you could explain it to me. Just Idk - speak in small sentences and use some stick figures. Dumb it down alittle for the idiot I am. All I can say is I'm sorry
We're self medicating and I know it makes things worse. There's more whiskey then coffee in my cup. Head hurts - heart does too and for some reason we're crying but it's ok. Its all ok
I wish I could explain the influence better or at all. Those nudges to do things. I wish I could explain how things get so twisted in my head. The thoughts. Give the bottle a shake *rattle* how many would it take? Idk. Wanna find out? No not really. Where's your sense of adventure?
It's all about choices but sometimes those choices aren't really yours. Maybe you can understand that - maybe you can't. Guess it doesnt really matter does it? We're all responsible for it as a system in the end - awesome - let the dissociation begin
Wish they were alittle more open minded about openly talking about some things. I understand why they don't want it but it doesn't make it go away. Guess that's what the therapist is for
404 - page not found lol
Gracefully is stuck in my head. The second meaning - respectful and dignified*
Is the no way to do things - gracefully? To live - gracefully. To heal - gracefully. To die - gracefully
Why does everything have to be a clusterf**k?
Today is better. Calmer - the bands of anxiety have loosened and it doesn't feel as though we're trying to tear ourselves apart at the moment. I mean - there's still an underlaying current of it but it's not a ticking time bomb. Hands aren't as shaky. Had a really good session with Doc Z - and there has been some understanding that came with it - some recognizing things for what they were. It's caused T to be alittle more fearful - more timid. Hiding. That's alittle disappointing. K is pissed and some disappointment here and there - but it's ok. We're learning. I just can't tell you how nice it is right at this moment to not feel on the verge of a panic attack. To be able to breath more normal - no racing heart - everything in this head is calmer right now - in this moment. There's still distractions at times today - random thoughts but they're calmer - less chaotic. Emotions are gentler
Yesterday was a nightmare. It was like a total breakdown of everything and it felt as though we were tearing ourselves apart. Rabid animals - tearing at ourselves. I'm not sure if I could explain what it feel's like. Realistically - We're aware it won't last but for right now - in this moment - we're enjoying it
It's a balmy 22 outside - we went for a walk out to the field. It's a nice place to go right now to see animal tracks in the snow. There were deer tracks and you could see where one must have wiped out in the snow - it was funny - they're normally such graceful animals but it showed that even they can be alittle clutzy sometimes. There was squirrel and fox tracks - raccoon and all sorts of little bird tracks. so we filled the feeders with seed and suet. Scattered some on the ground along with some stale cereal for who ever eats it. The cat tried a fruit loop but didn't seem to impressed and the deer like oat and apple dog treats that the dog won't eat lol
It's funny - yesterday was 404 - page not found. Today is 405 - method not allowed
A friend told me once to take a mental picture of the good days and ive been trying to replay a moment and its not working. Idk how it happens - what sets this sh*t off? The thoughts - the constant barrage of degrading thoughts. Each one slicing off a piece of your soul and you just tremble from head to toe and you can't catch your breath. Insidious snakes that just slither through brains corrupting everything. Killing everything they slither through. There's a book - one of the Rick Riordon books with snakes. Not sure why that's in my head. He told me I'm not a bad guy - I made alot of mistakes sure but they shouldn't condemn me. I asked him if this is ever going to stop and he said it's going to take time. Time - Doc Z said this stuff not the author guy. If I'm not - then why does it feel like I am? Why do I get this feeling of such great hatred for myself? If it weren't for me - if it weren't for you J - I wouldn't be in this situation. If it weren't for you - you're the reason. Alot of lives have been ruined - because of me. But I'm not a bad guy - who can believe that?
I guess there comes a time when you have to just face the facts - face the truth. It's funny because they say before the truth will set you free it'll piss you off. What does it mean if it no longer pisses you off? What if it just means nothing. This is what you have - this is all you'll ever have. You're lucky enough to get a taste of something but that's all. Is it supposed to make you fight harder? What if you fight these battles every days to the point that when the war finally arises you're just too damn tired? Too tired to fight - too tired to even care. When your own family thinks you're worthless how stupid were you to think anyone else would? Oh I don't mean for it to sound quite the way it does. People care - just as most would to see a wounded animal along side the road. You'd stop to see if there was anything you could do. Might be that it needs some TLC - a few meals and a good bath. Maybe with some rehabilitation it can find a good home. If not - well - then it should be put out of its misery. There's too many feral animals in the world anyway
I'm not perfect - never claimed to be. I just tried to be me - even if I don't know who me is. I tried to be the me I thought I should be. A nice person - a good person with a good soul but I don't think I am. Dont think I have been. I tried but - maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe I tried too hard but for all the wrong reasons. Somewhere along the way something got lost - something got twisted. And I keep thinking - well that escalated quickly. What started as a small campfire has burned the whole forest down and I stand in the midst of the ash and burnt ruins looking at - nothing. Just a boy and his dog with burned hands and singed hair. As a tear escapes - I can't think of a more fitting ending for two things that were unwanted. Idk - some of us are just born to lose but at least I can't hurt anyone else anymore. There's some comfort in that i think
There's some time missing. I have a headache and things are alittle twisted in my mind. I'm tired - I honestly dont know if there was any sleep last night. There was too much noise in this head. Anxiety wasn't as bad yesterday and it's not really too bad right now. There's some depression and thoughts are alittle all over the place. Some arguing among the inmates. There is some flashes of anger. But it feels - justified. Theres some desire to disappear but also some desire to recover things that have been lost - our voice - the enjoyment that there was reaching out to people - that sense of belonging - even if it was small. We've been driving poor Doc Z nuts probably with all the emails we've sent and the listener I've been talking with - they've both been extremely helpful and have helped me and a few of the others see the truth of things. The similaries to other things. There's been so much questioning and doubting lately. Wondering what is real - what is not. It's like trying to pull the end of a tangled thread and we have to work the knots out - but we have to do it slowly - carefully or the thread will break. Somethings simply can't be rushed - it's too fragile to force it - too many other threads involved - too much at stake. I still can't stand to look at this face
The weather has been getting nice - the snow slowly melting. Thoughts of planting and growing things. New growth - new lives. New desire to be productive. These are the thoughts I need to hold on to - cling to. Simple thoughts - gentle thoughts. Let them be enough to keep me afloat
Some nights it hits harder than others. They seem to come out of no where. The memories fresh and raw and it's relived all over again. Some times for hours. You feel everything. Taste everything. Hear everything. Smell everything. Sometimes it's hard to remind yourself that this is in the past. It's hard to remind yourself that you're safe. THIS ISN'T HAPPENING. It's over. Its past. But the floodgates have opened. The dams have burst and the levies have failed and you are drowning.