Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

Painfully aware of how misunderstood that was. Just when I thought I couldn't feel worse. Should've known better - I don't make sense - the words don't either. I think they used to alittle better then before. How can anyone understand if you can't yourself. Failure - way to go J

Good thing for rules or this would be a cuss filled post. I feel toxic - poisonous. The thoughts less then friendly. A f**k the world and everyone in it day - me included

Shut up brain - we can take over the world some other time - maybe after we've had more then just an hour or two of sleep

Sometimes I dream of a house I have no memory of - Idk what the outside looks like - just bits here and there of places inside. A section of stairs - the wall of a room - a piece of furniture. But the emotions - at times just absolute terror - fear at it's most primal level - a need to escape - a desire for death

How old are you?
I'm infinite.

If I'm honest - I lied last night when I said I was ok. But I have a rule about my crap being kept away from area's where others are seeking support - checkin I do or on their threads - sometimes I might break it because it feels wrong other wise and I really don't like lying about it

It was pretty rough last night - an unseen - unfortold issue with the dog. Arguements - well all out fighting actually and the one I didn't think would be a problem has turned into the biggest and most unapproachable one. Got triggered - freaked out - dissociated some but yet still managed not to totally lose my sh*t. I did manage to stop a panic attack though - so - yay me :) And I was able to set it aside enough to be able to finish something I volunteered for the day before

Mostly there's just alot of depression the past few weeks - allthough today anxiety has been off the charts And anger - Seems there's anger alot now about things - towards things - people and at the possibilty of a higher power - the SAD just makes the depression feel worse. Anger makes us reckless - reckless gets us hurt - but the hurt feels justified. Payment - a necessity sometimes

I discovered the term anticipatory grief a few days ago - There are some things that I understand better - not that it's helped much but - Idk - I guess just the fact that I can say I understand it says something I guess

Times I want to lash out - most times at myself - sometimes others - I keep that tucked away though as best I can

There's time I don't recognize this body - times when - if I'm honest - I hate this face - these hands

Idk - life goes on - no matter how much we may want the ride to stop for alittle just so we can catch our breath - and sometimes it really sucks

L - Why does it bother you so much J?
Me - Because I didn't choose this
L - What makes you think that they did?
Me - Seriously?

L - Why should I have let it go?
Me - Is it that big of a deal to be right?
L - I didn't do it to prove that I was right. I did it because I shouldn't be the one that they feel they have to prove a point with all the time and it was totally invalidating. She should have just come out and said what answers she was looking for. I noticed there hasn't been a reply back so what do you think that says?

I think it's been alittle since I did the whole accountability thing - so I have to admit there's been SH and drinking and Idk _ guess a general poisonous disposition towards myself. I feel alot of guilt about things. I've been having serious issues with isolating and trouble with emotions and well - hell - trouble with my words. Trouble keeping them - in order or even that they makes sense. I often feel angry and impatient. Sensitivity to certain noises - times that I wonder if maybe we're too sensitive to what other people say and why we feel we have to make a stand instead of letting it go

Ugh - Idk this head sucks - can I get a refund?

Let's be a wreck today

Been having issues with Intrusive little movies play against the back of my skull if I close my eyes - some I know are memories - other's I don't know where they're coming from. Visceral and gory some of them are - repulsive yet fascinating at the same time

A stands - rocking - his hair is black today - long - it hides his eyes - keeps saying softly - Please I've had enough- in circles I'm turning - from this world I'm burning - his voice - his words sound so sad

Crying has been an issue today - thoughts of needing to get it under control before he see's - but I'm not sure who he is

Dissociation and de/p have been an issue - Low on words

Someone told me last week *I think* that it's good to complain - and they're probably right - Idk

I think about writing alot of times but I've been having trouble articulating thoughts and feelings *thats my big word for the day - articulate* and tbh - I find I don't have much faith in my words

I couldn't remember how to do something for awhile. Things that I've done hundreds of times - like posting meme's - spelling things - how to work certain things. But I've had trouble recognizing my face and remembering my name sometimes too - so that's allways fun. Depersonalization has been a problem and just dissociation in general and I don't mean to sound - Idk - whatever - but it passes the time - sucks that not much gets done sometimes

Depression and anxiety are walking together lately I think and they seem to be ok with it - sucks for me but I kind of think I should be used to it. I think the depression is worse then it was before - or maybe it's just harder to shake it off right now. The anxiety hits at night the worst and it's hard to settle down - to feel settled and theres alot of figetting. And a strong desire to well - nvm lol - it's sometimes joined by intrusive images and I catch myself giving this head a good shake in an attempt to dislodge them

I find myself drifting away from people more and more it seems - isolation - kind of like my alone time is for everyone's safety. I've hurt people - especially one special person - I never meant to - I never wanted to. And I can't seem to move past that and tbh - I hate myself for it. Self hatred - that I'm comfortable with. Other's have been hurt too - in some cases it was intentional and it became a personal vendetta in away. Now as time has past - I have feelings of - Idk - remorse maybe? It shouldn't have been my battle and in slight defense of myself - I was asked to be in an awkward position - but I could have said no

Idk - Guilt - shame - self hatred and anger - sounds like the recipe for a walking time bomb lol. All things that probably contribute to my silence - I honestly don't know how to stop. There's things I want to talk about - things I'd like to say - I just - Idk Silence is golden just popped into my head

Ok so post and - cringe - the newest topping - panic comes as a side but you have to ask for it lol

Let's see if I can do this - my thoughts are really all over and some may have gotten lost. So this may bounce. So are my emotions too - the water works seem to come at weird times

I think I'm bascally just depressed but then the anxiety strikes and there have been a few panic attacks - some were caught in time - other's were not

I'm having trouble with isolating. It's something I'm really good with - I get convinced that I'm bothering people or just not worth the time. There's some issues with - just not wanting to be around anymore. But I've been told to stay - to just f**king stay J - so I stay. The loyal f**king dog that I am - and there's some anger about that

I read a post - not too long ago I think - Idk- time around here for me is questionable. I had things that helped with that alittle but - now - it's ok - I'm a big boy now so I can do it lol. Anyway this post - I won't go too much into detail but I understand the voice they have. Sounds alot like the RQ in many ways. The influence - doing things you don't want to do

I don't think I've been a very good friend to people - I haven't been very supportive - I haven't been a very good person. I fight with my words and the things I'd like to say to them but I keep my mouth shut because I have no faith in anything I say. The words all sound false and hollow

Right now - I feel shaky - I'm not sure why - maybe just because I'm writing here. Intrusive thoughts pop up and I have to push them away. Got triggered the other day by a picture of a no*se again - first time was watching a western lol

I'm f**king up - I realize I am but I can't seem to stop it. I'm losing myself and I can't seem to stop that either but I'm not sure where I'm going. Does that make sense? The sight of my hands make me feel sick sometimes - sometimes they look so small - other times they feel so big but sometimes this body is that way too. And I feel off balance and it's like the world is tilting around me and - idk

I'm sorry - this might be a long post and I can't help but think that maybe if I'd do this more often the posts wouldn't get so long - so maybe I need to make myself - at least once a day - even if it's just a meme or something just to maybe help break the isolation. I suggested that to someone else once lol - maybe I should follow my own suggestion - lol - a feeling of dread now - like an ugh - seriously? and the thought that noone f**king cares anyway

Actually reached out to a few listeners the other day or - well - tried to. Logan tries too but IDk - guess we pick wrong. I actually joined the general queue the other day - I had something happen I didn't think could here lol. Seems out of all the thousands of listeners here - cups told me they had none available. LMAO! How's that lol! Fate has spoken - ya know? Tried again and noone was there I guess - their light was green but noone was home - so again Fate lol. It just all add's up - you've no idea how much it all adds up or maybe you do - we're all struggling with something. The one's Logan reaches out to are supposed to be good and open to things - they reply that they're open to talk but then they never reply back again - is it so hard to find understanding? Chr*t even just some - something Idk. Head's starting to hurt

Worked on relaxing alittle - physically last night. Laid on the bed and consciously made muscles relax - which made me realize - how much I physically hurt - all those childhood accidents

Sometimes - there's flashbacks - small glimpses into places I don't recall - lives I haven't lived. Some are ok - but others are bad and they come from out of no where it seems - something triggers it I'm sure but I can't figure out what it is and I don't allways know who it comes from

Been trying to straighten up the attic some - there's alot of crap. It's taking longer then it should because there's so much to sidetrack things. Toys lol - stuffies. There's a small monkey on the kitchen table that someone took a liking to. I'm not sure what his name is lol

I allmost did something the other night that I haven't done for awhile - prayed. Deperate times call for desperate measures lol. I was reminded though that it never did any good before so I didn't. I'm not a believer - which is weird I guess because I believe in ghosts but I don't think there's really any heaven or hell or devil or god. But ghosts and demons - oh yeah. I just think it all boils down to energy and the energy the person who passes has. Energy is passed to other things - good energy but maybe doesn't want to disperse - ghosts - bad energy - demons. Hell or heaven *that words doesn't look right* anyway lol - heaven and hell are what we make it. I don't believe any all powerful being has been looking out for me lol because if they were - someone should get fired. I will admit though - I am alittle envious of people who do believe - that their faith gives them strength - something to call on in times of need

I suppose - alarms are ringing lol - too long - way too long - I know I'm forgetting important things or points but I have a powerful urge to get out of the house and the doggo probably has to go too so - we'll go

If you made it through the whole thing - Yay you lol no - seriously Thank you for reading

Allmost forgot :)

freaking anxiety. Even just here with people I know. People who are so nice. It's not them it's me. It just gets so tiring. I spend time writing a post or reply and delete over half of it - just to rewrite it again and delete. Three times! Frustrating Holy cow so frustrating. Just SILENCE! Maybe I exceeded some sort of word limit yesterday. Idk

Oh Pita is back! YAY! 😁 <---- I said this would happen *sorry private joke*

Some issues today - word and thought insertion - thought thieving - pretty severe physical pain and dissociation - anxiety is ahead of the depression but with anxiety it's a sprint - depression is a marathon runner

Ok - um - yeah gotta go

I understand but yet I don't. Maybe that's why the anger that flares quickly dies down to sadness. I read the words over and over - looking for a clue because I think something got lost along the way. Maybe its just wishful thinking. Maybe not. So much has been lost in a few months - I feel those losses every day

My words have venom tonight. The words are hostile and cruel but I'll swallow them down and poison myself with them instead - at least for now and ive been thinking how much I am like him - bitching about circumstances that I brought on myself. Thinking that its ok - to talk to certain people - to force them to talk to me. And in the end - I realize the thing that we vowed him has come to call. Damn karma and damn me as well. I'm sorry - for all I am and for all I am not - I don't think I can say that enough - Idk - if you should even believe me. When I think I how to show it - I'm not supposed to talk about those things here. Sounds melodramatic and attention seeking so - lol guess I shouldn't say anything but if I share just happy shit - do you have idea how blank these pages would be? Idk - maybe maybe maybe

Pause - before you say or do something stupid J

I don't understand where the time goes. When I see posts - I'm often surprised to see days have past. Hours - months - years

My hands shake alot - emotions - Can go from bawling like a baby to practically foaming at the mouth sometimes and I just want to rage. Just full blown - rage. It scares me. I know I'm being immature about some things but I'm not sure how to stop that

I feel like I'm perched on a ledge - ya know? Push me off or pull me back. Idk - maybe I can just stand here for awhile - think about that drop off. It's not the drop that k**ls you - it's that sudden stop at the end. I'm ashamed of those thoughts

There's some problems with impulses - getting lost in my head alot h**l - losing thoughts. The words just poof and I'm left with a blank slate

I don't understand myself - and right now I feel like I am the lousiest person to walk this planet. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity or even understanding. I think - maybe I'm looking for - me - maybe - Idk. Maybe - my soul

How do I make sense of all this? Some sense of me

I'm sorry - for so many things. People I've hurt - things I've said - things I've done. The doubts I caused - the confusion I've caused. I'm sorry for the times I should have reached out - and didn't. I'm sorry for the times I reached out - and shouldn't have. For all the misplaced words and rambling thoughts. I wanted to do good things here - I don't think I have or if I did - I tainted it with bad. It'll be ok and if it's not - thats ok too

@mytwistedsoul I think I feel sorry for myself too much too

I feel like a feral animal sometimes. Tearing myself apart - hoping to build a new animal

It's been awhile since my hands have shaken like they have been lately. It's frustrating sometimes
I'd be lying if I said I'm being gentle with my thoughts and myself - but I hesitate sharing it here

It occured to me the other night - as I lay on the floor staring at the ceiling fan - a dog on one side and a bottle of SoCo on the other - that We've come full circle now. Just some of the pieces are missing now. Maybe this second pass through will go better. I'll do better - be better. I can't say I haven't learned anything. Valuable lessons. Tears for the casualties of my war. Words alone - even looking for something from the Obsure Sorrows book - there are no words that can express how sorry I am to those casualties

Why is it we can be proactive to outside threats * I guess that's what they're called* but yet we self destruct ourselves? And I'm content with that - ya know? I feel no regret when it comes to harming right now - I'm not sure what that means tbh. It feels justified - deserved. I mean I know it's wrong - a wrong way of coping but Idk - maybe I just don't care right now. The hotlines make me nervous at the moment - worried that they'd come and get us and take us away. Ping a tower or something or the satellite reciever. Paranoia is not a friend to anyone

Influence - lol what a hoot. Too bad it's never anything good being influenced and I love being a puppet. Wondering sometimes why I'm doing something but kind of unable to stop

Thoughts are like a squirrel in traffic alot of the time - but then it all goes blank sometimes. It's allmost like that awkward silence at times - where you half expect someone to fart and everyone laughs. Someone realizes the squirrel fell over so - poke it with a stick

Sometimes words get typed backwards and I have to check them. The smartphone has no idea what to do with them and seems to let it go lol

I'm trying to find the light - in this oublette but I keep blowing out my own matches

She laughed - wish I wouldn't asked why. She's right

Made it to day 404 on the growth path today. Brain says page not found lol - J's not found either. Everything hurts and just tired ya know? Can't seem to do anything right anymore. There's too many demons to fight. The ones to fight during the day are replaced by new ones at night. Anxiety and depression are all the time. Can't explain thoughts and feelings and tbh - I'm tired of trying. Can't complain about any of it because it was my choice - well not really but I can't explain that either. I know I probably got all the messages wrong I'm sorry for that. Im sorry for alot of things. The people my choices have hurt. The things I've said - the things I've done. You can't come into my head - maybe if you could - maybe you could understand what I can't. Maybe you could explain it to me. Just Idk - speak in small sentences and use some stick figures. Dumb it down alittle for the idiot I am. All I can say is I'm sorry

We're self medicating and I know it makes things worse. There's more whiskey then coffee in my cup. Head hurts - heart does too and for some reason we're crying but it's ok. Its all ok

I wish I could explain the influence better or at all. Those nudges to do things. I wish I could explain how things get so twisted in my head. The thoughts. Give the bottle a shake *rattle* how many would it take? Idk. Wanna find out? No not really. Where's your sense of adventure?

It's all about choices but sometimes those choices aren't really yours. Maybe you can understand that - maybe you can't. Guess it doesnt really matter does it? We're all responsible for it as a system in the end - awesome - let the dissociation begin

Wish they were alittle more open minded about openly talking about some things. I understand why they don't want it but it doesn't make it go away. Guess that's what the therapist is for

404 - page not found lol

Gracefully is stuck in my head. The second meaning - respectful and dignified*

Is the no way to do things - gracefully? To live - gracefully. To heal - gracefully. To die - gracefully

Why does everything have to be a clusterf**k?

Dear God - give me grace

Today is better. Calmer - the bands of anxiety have loosened and it doesn't feel as though we're trying to tear ourselves apart at the moment. I mean - there's still an underlaying current of it but it's not a ticking time bomb. Hands aren't as shaky. Had a really good session with Doc Z - and there has been some understanding that came with it - some recognizing things for what they were. It's caused T to be alittle more fearful - more timid. Hiding. That's alittle disappointing. K is pissed and some disappointment here and there - but it's ok. We're learning. I just can't tell you how nice it is right at this moment to not feel on the verge of a panic attack. To be able to breath more normal - no racing heart - everything in this head is calmer right now - in this moment. There's still distractions at times today - random thoughts but they're calmer - less chaotic. Emotions are gentler

Yesterday was a nightmare. It was like a total breakdown of everything and it felt as though we were tearing ourselves apart. Rabid animals - tearing at ourselves. I'm not sure if I could explain what it feel's like. Realistically - We're aware it won't last but for right now - in this moment - we're enjoying it

It's a balmy 22 outside - we went for a walk out to the field. It's a nice place to go right now to see animal tracks in the snow. There were deer tracks and you could see where one must have wiped out in the snow - it was funny - they're normally such graceful animals but it showed that even they can be alittle clutzy sometimes. There was squirrel and fox tracks - raccoon and all sorts of little bird tracks. so we filled the feeders with seed and suet. Scattered some on the ground along with some stale cereal for who ever eats it. The cat tried a fruit loop but didn't seem to impressed and the deer like oat and apple dog treats that the dog won't eat lol

It's funny - yesterday was 404 - page not found. Today is 405 - method not allowed

A friend told me once to take a mental picture of the good days and ive been trying to replay a moment and its not working. Idk how it happens - what sets this sh*t off? The thoughts - the constant barrage of degrading thoughts. Each one slicing off a piece of your soul and you just tremble from head to toe and you can't catch your breath. Insidious snakes that just slither through brains corrupting everything. Killing everything they slither through. There's a book - one of the Rick Riordon books with snakes. Not sure why that's in my head. He told me I'm not a bad guy - I made alot of mistakes sure but they shouldn't condemn me. I asked him if this is ever going to stop and he said it's going to take time. Time - Doc Z said this stuff not the author guy. If I'm not - then why does it feel like I am? Why do I get this feeling of such great hatred for myself? If it weren't for me - if it weren't for you J - I wouldn't be in this situation. If it weren't for you - you're the reason. Alot of lives have been ruined - because of me. But I'm not a bad guy - who can believe that?

I guess there comes a time when you have to just face the facts - face the truth. It's funny because they say before the truth will set you free it'll piss you off. What does it mean if it no longer pisses you off? What if it just means nothing. This is what you have - this is all you'll ever have. You're lucky enough to get a taste of something but that's all. Is it supposed to make you fight harder? What if you fight these battles every days to the point that when the war finally arises you're just too damn tired? Too tired to fight - too tired to even care. When your own family thinks you're worthless how stupid were you to think anyone else would? Oh I don't mean for it to sound quite the way it does. People care - just as most would to see a wounded animal along side the road. You'd stop to see if there was anything you could do. Might be that it needs some TLC - a few meals and a good bath. Maybe with some rehabilitation it can find a good home. If not - well - then it should be put out of its misery. There's too many feral animals in the world anyway

I'm not perfect - never claimed to be. I just tried to be me - even if I don't know who me is. I tried to be the me I thought I should be. A nice person - a good person with a good soul but I don't think I am. Dont think I have been. I tried but - maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe I tried too hard but for all the wrong reasons. Somewhere along the way something got lost - something got twisted. And I keep thinking - well that escalated quickly. What started as a small campfire has burned the whole forest down and I stand in the midst of the ash and burnt ruins looking at - nothing. Just a boy and his dog with burned hands and singed hair. As a tear escapes - I can't think of a more fitting ending for two things that were unwanted. Idk - some of us are just born to lose but at least I can't hurt anyone else anymore. There's some comfort in that i think

There's some time missing. I have a headache and things are alittle twisted in my mind. I'm tired - I honestly dont know if there was any sleep last night. There was too much noise in this head. Anxiety wasn't as bad yesterday and it's not really too bad right now. There's some depression and thoughts are alittle all over the place. Some arguing among the inmates. There is some flashes of anger. But it feels - justified. Theres some desire to disappear but also some desire to recover things that have been lost - our voice - the enjoyment that there was reaching out to people - that sense of belonging - even if it was small. We've been driving poor Doc Z nuts probably with all the emails we've sent and the listener I've been talking with - they've both been extremely helpful and have helped me and a few of the others see the truth of things. The similaries to other things. There's been so much questioning and doubting lately. Wondering what is real - what is not. It's like trying to pull the end of a tangled thread and we have to work the knots out - but we have to do it slowly - carefully or the thread will break. Somethings simply can't be rushed - it's too fragile to force it - too many other threads involved - too much at stake. I still can't stand to look at this face

The weather has been getting nice - the snow slowly melting. Thoughts of planting and growing things. New growth - new lives. New desire to be productive. These are the thoughts I need to hold on to - cling to. Simple thoughts - gentle thoughts. Let them be enough to keep me afloat

Some nights it hits harder than others. They seem to come out of no where. The memories fresh and raw and it's relived all over again. Some times for hours. You feel everything. Taste everything. Hear everything. Smell everything. Sometimes it's hard to remind yourself that this is in the past. It's hard to remind yourself that you're safe. THIS ISN'T HAPPENING. It's over. Its past. But the floodgates have opened. The dams have burst and the levies have failed and you are drowning.

I'd like to say I'm sorry - it really doesn't matter anymore I guess but I am. I should have done better. Kept better control - locked it down in another box and shoved it in a corner to gather dust and cobwebs. Out of sight - out of mind. A part of me completely disagrees but I don't want his opinion. I tried - at least I think I did but I guess with the outcome I didn't try hard enough. Nothing I do is right. If you speak - you shouldn't. If you don't speak - you should. How do you know when the right time is? Idk - Idfk anything. I thought maybe I did but turns out I was wrong. I pay for my sins - I pay for everything. Our whole lives we've been abused every member of our family - every day - every hour spent in trying to stay out of sight - out of mind - trying to stay one step ahead because one thing - one tiny thing could set off - her. You didn't even have to be the one to do it. If he pissed her off - she took it out on you. If you followed the rules - she would change them just to trip you up. Just so she could beat the f**k out of you. You kept your mouth shut then - why not keep your mouth shut now? Speak only when spoken to

I've tried to do good things - what I thought were good things. But Idk - were there good intentions behind them - I'd like to think so - but Idk. I don't like who I am - I don't like all the parts that I'm made up of. I was getting there - at least that I could tolerate it but - Idk - I think that ship has sailed. I know what it's like to be alone - I think that was some of it - not wanting other people to feel that way but in the end - I just alienated myself more. Slowly - surely. I can't help but think that they were right and I'm not safe for people. I'm not even safe for myself most of the time. Idk - not everything broken can be fixed - sometimes things are just too broken - I see that now. I wish - I wish I would have seen it sooner. It would have saved people alot of trouble - alot of pain. I don't know what to do. I don't know what's right or whats wrong. Because none of it seems right. We've cost so many people - a debt I'm not sure I can repay - nothing I can do to make it right. I wish we could go back in time - change things - maybe if things were done differently - the outcome would have been different - better

F**K - I am so sorry - to everyone. The time we wasted - the things we've said - the things we've done

Think we'll take a nice long walk in the woods - it's a nice day for it

I thought maybe I'd dump some thoughts here to ease some of the pressure in my head but it may bounce around. Tried to write a few times but ended up deleting it all everytime

Some days are better then other's - allthough - I must admit I don't remember a whole lot since I last wrote here. I think when it all gets to be too much - things just get shut down. No thoughts - no emotions - nothing. Someone broke through that with just alittle heart - Idk how to explain it - but it broke through the wall I was building. Thank you for that heart

I think sometimes isolating can be helpful if we don't let it get too far - sometimes it seems to help process things without having outside influence. We're still trying to process things from last year - deaths of two abusers - the death of Kodie and the mountain of past trauma. And then there's new things we need to process. I never realized that some things could take so long - I mean I know nothing is *poof* gone but somethings I guess - you touch slowly - carefully. Release alittle here - alittle there. Some things aren't as bad when it's in small doses - it helps you build up a tolerance I guess

There have been thoughts of past su*cide attempts - memories of them. Some that noone else knows about - bottles of pills taken - that Idk what they were or where they came from. Idk - what damage they may have caused in the long run. Drinking until you're sick and then drinking more. Begging and pleading for an end - that was never answered. Waking up in places you don't know - in a pool of your own vomit *hopefully anyway lol - allthough still gross*

Memories - of getting beat with a wooden spoon - things she would say - don't bleed on the floor - why do you make me do this? Memories of time spent homeless and living on the streets - a few things that happened during that time - things we haven't talked about yet - touch it slowly - carefully. Water and feeling the pull of it still

There's been alot of wood chopping. One axe is buried in a log that's become alittle like the sword in the stone lol. But its physical activity and we're exhausted at the end of the day. It's cathartic and lets us use any aggression in a contructive way

We're trying to be gentle - we're trying to find the way out of the darkness. Trying to reassure ourselves that it's ok to talk. That it's ok to interact with people - that it's ok to feel things even if it's hard to explain - it doesn't need to be justified to anyone - sometimes it just - is and it's ok. It's ok. It's ok to take it one second at a time - it's ok to not do anything except lay on the floor - it's ok if we can't sit still - it's ok to cry - it's ok to be angry - it's ok to be hurt and it's ok if noone understands the why's of it. It's ok to laugh and feel playful - its ok to be sad. It's ok to have a different point of view then other people might have - it's ok to have a difference of opinions. What ever it is - it's ok and it's ok if it's it's not. Like they say here - it's ok to not be ok and it can change in the blink of an eye and ya know what? That's ok too

Tbh - as I'm proofreading this *word insertion can be a real pita sometimes* The devil on one shoulder says delete this but the angel on the other one says - do it - it's not hurting anything - the angel wouldn't lead me wrong right? But then I remember the devil was supposed to have been an angel once too

Jacob Lee - Conscience

https://youtu.be/XMifErFhiog

Jacob Lee - Zen

https://youtu.be/i1mSkGXVns8

Jacob Lee - Guidance

https://youtu.be/QB2Nsj6jXHs

We were innocent once weren't we? Before the levels of hell touched our souls. Before our skins were marred by the violent hands of others. Before their words burned into our brains. The wounds bleed into our dreams. Just enough sometimes to tease...taunt... terrify. Where was the love? The joy? What gods did we anger that our sins required a lifetime of living in our personal hells? Will this penance actually save anyone's soul? Or are we just fooling ourselves into thinking there's even anything left to save?

Knock knock Neo

There's stuff in the news - kind of triggering * gotta say I kind of don't like that word* and yet it gets watched anyway. Why do we do that? Tbh - Idk - just really shut off right now. Sluggy thoughts. Things got done - All ways have a list lol. But the day is just - bits and pieces. I need to find my way back - Idk how. Too much worrying. Some roladexing I think. It was cold today I do know that

I know I'm tired - sleep sounds good

It hits really f**king hard sometimes doesn't it? I'm told I'm allowed to feel how ever I feel but none of this feels right and Idk if that's even right. How does everything get so fucked up? Why's my head so fucked up with all this. Why does nothing make sense? Is it supposed to be this hard figuring out what you feel - what you're allowed to feel? I just want this done with - I'm tired of being fucked up

Mostly depressed - got a few words but they take alot of effort and they all sound wrong anyway

I think I understand my worth now

Horrible intrusive thoughts - pretty vivid when I close my eyes

One minute they're there the next they're gone. Erased as soon as they're written. I don't trust them. They sound good until they come out - it's after they're out that I realize they might be poison. Then it's too late

Time is so f**ked up right now. Chunks of it missing

Ordered a weighted blanket for the bed. Alittle nervous about it - worried it might feel like being held down. It was supposed to be in on Tuesday but it got delayed - maybe before the weekend

Dreamed about my father - I only remember alittle here and there. Sleeping in a car and him yelling. Tried to remember more but it made the anxiety shoot up - better to just be - nothing

Which way shall we go? To the left where nothing is right or to the right where nothing is left? Standing in the middle of the road is getting us no where and just clogging traffic

We keep busy - easy enough to do now that the weather is turning. There's allways plenty of work to do right now getting the garden and flower beds cleaned up. There's still a bunch of leaves to clean up from fall too but the tree's are starting to bud. Still haven't worked on anything in the shop - other then to put some wood in there for eventually. Idk - I have no motivation. Kind of like breathing takes enough energy - mostly just a deep depression - when I'm not anxious anyway

I come here off and on during the day and often leave without saying anything. Just old fears running rampant - worrying about hurting other people - bothering them or wasting anyone's time. Some days I feel so unbelieveably stupid that the words just don't make sense - nothing makes sense - words - thoughts- emotions - like I'm in a loaner with faulty everything and a shitty owners manual - probably in a different country driving on the wrong side of the road too

It has to get better sometime doesn't it?

I hate when I feel like this - chaotic

Idk how to explain it. Just too much of too much but not enough of anything

Too many thoughts - and no words to explain. Quick type but all the words erase. Just smile and nod. Chest feels tight. Like you're on the edge of a panic attack but can't fall over the edge. But yet not - idfk

Pull to the grey - quiet there - sorry

Was it allways like this? I don't remember. I should remember something like that shouldn't I?

Why am I ashamed of myself? Embarrassed of everything that is me? I see other posts by people with DID and they seem so comfortable and accepting of it. Why not me? So wtf is wrong with me? Is it something I'm not doing? Something I am? The shrink? He's better than the others were.

Why is it so hard to trust? Anyone or anything. Myself the thoughts the feelings? Its like everything is a cleverly disguised trap. Sit and puzzle it out. Second guessing every single thing. Feeling guilty everytime I say something or write something. I'm really tired. Of this shit. She - scares me lol. How fucking pathetic is that?

Got triggered earlier Can't seem to calm it down. Catch myself panting like a dog and I want to crawl out of my skin. Too much pain emotional meental. How much his too much? Emotions bubbling up and I know I need to do something with them but holy fuck - its a tsunami. I don't wanna fall into the grey. Too many thoughts - shhh one at a time

We need to do something

It's pointless

We're allready in hell havent you noticed

Probably all be dead soon anyway

Toad is hiding

and I suck

The news the kids the news the kids the images are gonna kill me. They'e waiting - funny how they're more vivid when you close your 👀

So stall

I am

damn just broke the hand towel rack - good times

How do you find faith? Where do you find it? If God is forgiving does he forgive that I have no faith? Does he forgive that I hate him sometimes - most of the time - all of the time? Where is he? Waiting? For what? How many have to suffer. The blood of the lamb. I was won once. Turned into the black sheep. Now do the time for someone else's crimes. Just cause I must have pisses someone off once upon a time. Once it was hole but YOU fucked it all upand now I make it worse yeah I've allways liked to play with fire. Unclench your jaw relax and breathe

Need sleep we can count sheep

This body feels old. It hurts. The skin feels ill fitting. Clothing feels confining. Thoughts - Idk where to even begin. Mostly depressed with moments of anxiety. Keeping busy - taking advantage of the nice weather. Leaves have all been cleaned up, bulbs planted and mulch picked up for the flower beds. Strawberry plants have flowers - fruit trees have been pruned. Wood is getting chopped like crazy. Anger helps get the job done - it seems to go back and forth - anger - sadness - anger - sadness. A fucked up see saw. Thoughts can sometimes feed either one. I have been harming - sometimes I don't remember doing it

I know I'm avoiding people - isolating. Sometimes I write to someone - it feels right in the moment but then the after thoughts kick in. It takes so freaking long to get the words in an order that make sense but even then I wonder if they make any sense. Things seem to have multiple ways they can be seen - and I have my doubts about all of them. Sometimes the words come - but it's too late - way too late. I think maybe I'm alittle paranoid - maybe it's just extreme suspicion - lol Words don't look right - the lettering all wrong and they can be there one minute and gone the next - lol - like now and I feel the pull - the slip slide into nothing. Where do you go? Idk - into the grey I guess - just away from myself. It's funny trying to keep track of when it happens because most of the time I think it's an all day every day thing. *there are things you need to address and process J* I know and I try but I am failing miserably - I don't even think I had the chance to fully allow myself to grieve the loss of Kodie. All these boxes are rattling - I can hear the chains that keep them bound shut - the keys are in my hand - and I slip them into my pocket - turn and walk away

Just found myself in the kitchen - not sure what for - was there something I wanted? Racking my brain - clueless. Meds tend to be like roulette - did i take it? Or didn't I? Count how many are in the bottle - forget the number - recount. I'm even trying the tricks we used to use with my grandmother when she started to forget things - swish it in your mouth - put something on top after you take it - colored rubber bands - write it down - but the time loss fucks with me. The fun part is getting replies from people and not allways remembering I wrote them in the first place - it's not as weird if it's people I know - it's people that might be new - because holy shit - alot of times I'm afraid of what I might have said

Idk - writing this seems to have taken alot of energy - I'm tired and my hands smell like mint lol *smh* Idk - It's all good

What if your worst fears are realized?

Do you feel alittle lost sometimes? Disoriented by the darkness - unable to find the light. You lose touch with everything - days drip and trickle by in silence and alone. Unable to say the words that choke your throat - unwilling to reach for anything because - it's give and take and you have nothing to give. You tell yourself it doesn't matter because you feel you don't matter. Your suffering is justified - these are the consequences of your own actions. You feel unworthy - you feel nothing because you are nothing - these are your ghost clothes

I can't seem to find my way back - there's times I want to talk but I keep quiet - because it all seems so pointless and I'm so stupid to think - just to think - to dream. I'm told I'm allowed to feel what ever I feel but I can't seem to be able to do that. I feel - idk - just darkness. I don't feel like me - I haven't for awhile - Idk what to do with this

Most of the time I think I'm just somewhere else - reality doesn't seem real. All the pieces are taped together so sh*tty - it all falls apart and hastily they're swept together and reassembled but there's things in the wrong place and you resemble some messed up picasso

I'm a loser - I get that. I could be handed the key's to the city and I would f**k it up. I know this - god do I know it. I know I'm naive - I know there's alot I don't understand about alot of things - life

I let myself dissociate too much - I don't even try to fight it anymore. Whatever happens - happens. As long as we don't get ate by a bear - I don't really care and as horrible as it sounds and as horrible as it makes me - it's really easy to lie to your therapist on the phone - even if you do a video chat because they don't get the full picture - ya know? And for some reason I feel some satisfaction saying that and I know I shouldn't

I warned you - and a head nods yes - earnest eyes - yes yes I know we are monsters - sick like a sin - sick like a toxin - sick from within

Let's post so I can feel bad about it - yay me! Two thumbs way way up!

Dreams - dreams - dreams

Suck

An arm broken in two places and an uncle

*stupid boy*

Getting alittle better with talking down the anxiety but it could just be that the depression is just too deep for it to get too bad. Plus we've been busy - adding another section to the green house. Getting the garden ready

Theres been a break down in communication here and we've been ignoring each other. Talking only leads to arguing

I can't seem to shake this depression. I keep to myself - work around the house. Worry about wasting other people's time. I don't feel right - all the way around. Physically - some days things hurt - when they don't they don't feel like mine. I noticed earlier just walking - Idk how to explain it. Emotionally - I'm not even sure anymore about this. Some days there's too many different ones - other days there's nothing. Just emptiness. It's allmost as if you've given up but yet your heart still beats - you're just brain dead. I feel like I'm just serving my sentence - waiting - just waiting til it's done

Doc Z asks - How are you doing J? I say fine - He say's I don't think you are, let's talk about it. And I can't - right away it feels like I want to cry - so everything just gets shut down

Idk - Idk anything anymore - there's time loss all the time to the point it takes alittle to figure out the days - maybe they're just too monotonous

Idk - does it matter? Does any of this matter at all? What's the point really? In the end we all die anyway - if you enjoy life - doesn't it just make it harder to let go in the end?