Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*
I created this space for me to be able to write - whatever is on my mind that I may not want replies too. It isn't that I don't appreciate the replies - it's that alot of times I am really uncomfortable with the support. Sometimes it's the well meaning words get twisted around in my head - sometimes it the well meaning suggestions that are turned around and taking the wrong way. Sometimes - it's fear - rejection - judgement - fear of offending someone with what I say. Even now - the creation of this is - causing some anxiety - and I feel the edge of a panic attack - so let's take a pause and a few deep breaths
I often don't feel as though I deserve support. I waste peoples time and feel like an inconvenience. With that in mind - I've been slowly going quiet
The TW is because - well - lets be honest - if I'm going to put some of whats in my head and and I don't want replies - you dear gentle reader should be warned at least. Because there are times my head is a scary place -
I'll say I'm sorry in advance because sometimes I do swear - I try not to and I try to remember replace some letters - but well sometimes I dont care and sometimes I forget. Idk - I suppose I should say sorry for my sense of humor in advance too - because sometimes it's alittle dark or alittle inappropriate
So - let's post and panic over this now shall we?
He doesn't like to be touched. Some days it's not as bad and its only when he's cleaning or working on something. If the dogs or the cat brushes against him - he will move them away until he's done. He's never mean or upset about them touching him. It's more of a now is not the time thing. But there are times when he needs their closeness to feel safe. They have a dog pile. Colors feel a certain way on his skin. Some colors are avoided. There are times though when touch is acidic and sounds are corrosive. Sensory overload - eyes shut tight - hands over ears. He makes himself as small as possible and rocks. Slowly - rhythmically. It soothes him He doesn't meet anyone's eyes. Not even the therapist that gives him lollies. Why? Because someone told him the eyes are the window to the soul. He's afraid to see the souls of bad people. He's afraid to have people see his own. Afraid of the hate he'll see.
He doesn't talk much but he has so much to say. He writes poems - uses them as his outlet. He used to share them here - but he's been afraid lately to bring them here. Afraid of people in general - we need to get this back for him
I'm not sure why I felt compelled to write about him - I'm not sure why the tears kicked in. It's been awhile for them
Tbh - Idk - One minute I think it's ok - I'm ok and the next - there's just so much going on in my head it feels like it's gonna blow up. Too many thoughts - too many emotions - I'm having hard time staying focused and keeping connected is taking more effort then it should. Idk - picture a tach when you rev the engine - the rpms - the rise and fall of the needle. Thats what it feels like right now. Shaky -hands - especially - I catch myself allmost wringing them and I have laugh - because it seems funny and I'm not sure why
And I think - I'll talk to someone but then pul back - if I pause for too long - I can feel it start to slip and I catch it - keep away from the grey - time slips away
And then just as soon as I think i'll write things out - there's that strong urge to just be quiet. Just shut up J. And then the wonderful pinpricks at the corners of your eyes - the tell tale sign tears are on the way - catch that and shove it back. A thought comes through - do you feel safe? Idk - I don't feel scared but I don't feel safe - does that makes sense?
I have a headache but not a bad one - it's like it's on mute - there in the back ground but not really doing anything Idk - once again I don't think I know all that much of anything
Does everything have to be so complicated all the time?
Sometimes an image comes into my head. It's nothing but a blur of bright colors - mostly bright - some are more dull - lifeless. But the image is - smeared - I have no idea what it is but it causes such a reaction - it's crazy. That feeling hits - that one you get if you miss a step - that feeling in your gut - ya know? And the anxiety just goes off the charts - a feeling of fear - great fear
It takes awhile to get it under control - like trying to rein in a wild horse
Influence has been an issue today. And ive lost count of have many times I've been told how cruel and ugly I am - a blight on humanity and the anxiety settles to depression and sometimes I wonder if she's right
@mytwistedsoul
i totally know what you mean, i feel like an inconvenience sometimes, but by me replying it's obvious that you're not! people like helping people they love
@mytwistedsoul
i totally know what you mean, i feel like an inconvenience sometimes, but by me replying it's obvious that you're not! people like helping people they love
And the memories roll in and I wonder if there's something wrong with me that I don't feel anything about it this time. Maybe it's just a delayed reaction
To know that she would loan us out to relatives for chores and how they would take anything you said and twist it - made it sound like you were talking bad about her and they would report it to her. Everyone did this - everyone threw us under the bus to make themselves look better. Every f**king member of the family
My god what is her superpower? To hold so much over everyone to turn them all against a kid - a child - her kid - why me? Did anyone have any moments of regret? Did it prick their conscience as they lay in their comfortable beds? Did it make them add alittle extra to the collection plate at church? Is that why some of them have started going? To get right with god? There is no god - you may as well wish on a star
Woke in a panic 2:30 - just like every morning. Nightmares you don't fully remember about things you never forget
Trying to work through somethings - feel like I'm failing splendidly lol. Is there a point where you push so much down that it becomes unreachable? Or is it so crushed under the weight of everything else it becomes unrecognizable?
There's times when I feel silly and playful but at the same time - that side feels allmost painful. Like - physically painful - mixed with disgust sort of - Idk. Like - Maybe it's not acceptable. Maybe that sounds weird
Do you find yourself sometimes on the edge of panic? You're not sure how you got there or why you're there. So you rein it in and ground yourself. Everything seems ok and you continue on - only to find yourself there again a few minutes later. Deep breaths - close your eyes - listen - hear the birds - the woodpeckers - the sparrows and chickadee. The obnoxious blue jays. Open your eyes - focus on the butterfly bush - see the butterflies go from flower to flower - breath deep and smell their fragrance. In with the good - out with bad. We are calm - we are safe
We will not lose our shit today