Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

Shut up brain - we can take over the world some other time - maybe after we've had more then just an hour or two of sleep

Sometimes I dream of a house I have no memory of - Idk what the outside looks like - just bits here and there of places inside. A section of stairs - the wall of a room - a piece of furniture. But the emotions - at times just absolute terror - fear at it's most primal level - a need to escape - a desire for death

How old are you?
I'm infinite.

If I'm honest - I lied last night when I said I was ok. But I have a rule about my crap being kept away from area's where others are seeking support - checkin I do or on their threads - sometimes I might break it because it feels wrong other wise and I really don't like lying about it

It was pretty rough last night - an unseen - unfortold issue with the dog. Arguements - well all out fighting actually and the one I didn't think would be a problem has turned into the biggest and most unapproachable one. Got triggered - freaked out - dissociated some but yet still managed not to totally lose my sh*t. I did manage to stop a panic attack though - so - yay me :) And I was able to set it aside enough to be able to finish something I volunteered for the day before

Mostly there's just alot of depression the past few weeks - allthough today anxiety has been off the charts And anger - Seems there's anger alot now about things - towards things - people and at the possibilty of a higher power - the SAD just makes the depression feel worse. Anger makes us reckless - reckless gets us hurt - but the hurt feels justified. Payment - a necessity sometimes

I discovered the term anticipatory grief a few days ago - There are some things that I understand better - not that it's helped much but - Idk - I guess just the fact that I can say I understand it says something I guess

Times I want to lash out - most times at myself - sometimes others - I keep that tucked away though as best I can

There's time I don't recognize this body - times when - if I'm honest - I hate this face - these hands

Idk - life goes on - no matter how much we may want the ride to stop for alittle just so we can catch our breath - and sometimes it really sucks

L - Why does it bother you so much J?
Me - Because I didn't choose this
L - What makes you think that they did?
Me - Seriously?

L - Why should I have let it go?
Me - Is it that big of a deal to be right?
L - I didn't do it to prove that I was right. I did it because I shouldn't be the one that they feel they have to prove a point with all the time and it was totally invalidating. She should have just come out and said what answers she was looking for. I noticed there hasn't been a reply back so what do you think that says?

I think it's been alittle since I did the whole accountability thing - so I have to admit there's been SH and drinking and Idk _ guess a general poisonous disposition towards myself. I feel alot of guilt about things. I've been having serious issues with isolating and trouble with emotions and well - hell - trouble with my words. Trouble keeping them - in order or even that they makes sense. I often feel angry and impatient. Sensitivity to certain noises - times that I wonder if maybe we're too sensitive to what other people say and why we feel we have to make a stand instead of letting it go

Ugh - Idk this head sucks - can I get a refund?

Let's be a wreck today

Been having issues with Intrusive little movies play against the back of my skull if I close my eyes - some I know are memories - other's I don't know where they're coming from. Visceral and gory some of them are - repulsive yet fascinating at the same time

A stands - rocking - his hair is black today - long - it hides his eyes - keeps saying softly - Please I've had enough- in circles I'm turning - from this world I'm burning - his voice - his words sound so sad

Crying has been an issue today - thoughts of needing to get it under control before he see's - but I'm not sure who he is

Dissociation and de/p have been an issue - Low on words

Someone told me last week *I think* that it's good to complain - and they're probably right - Idk

I think about writing alot of times but I've been having trouble articulating thoughts and feelings *thats my big word for the day - articulate* and tbh - I find I don't have much faith in my words

I couldn't remember how to do something for awhile. Things that I've done hundreds of times - like posting meme's - spelling things - how to work certain things. But I've had trouble recognizing my face and remembering my name sometimes too - so that's allways fun. Depersonalization has been a problem and just dissociation in general and I don't mean to sound - Idk - whatever - but it passes the time - sucks that not much gets done sometimes

Depression and anxiety are walking together lately I think and they seem to be ok with it - sucks for me but I kind of think I should be used to it. I think the depression is worse then it was before - or maybe it's just harder to shake it off right now. The anxiety hits at night the worst and it's hard to settle down - to feel settled and theres alot of figetting. And a strong desire to well - nvm lol - it's sometimes joined by intrusive images and I catch myself giving this head a good shake in an attempt to dislodge them

I find myself drifting away from people more and more it seems - isolation - kind of like my alone time is for everyone's safety. I've hurt people - especially one special person - I never meant to - I never wanted to. And I can't seem to move past that and tbh - I hate myself for it. Self hatred - that I'm comfortable with. Other's have been hurt too - in some cases it was intentional and it became a personal vendetta in away. Now as time has past - I have feelings of - Idk - remorse maybe? It shouldn't have been my battle and in slight defense of myself - I was asked to be in an awkward position - but I could have said no

Idk - Guilt - shame - self hatred and anger - sounds like the recipe for a walking time bomb lol. All things that probably contribute to my silence - I honestly don't know how to stop. There's things I want to talk about - things I'd like to say - I just - Idk Silence is golden just popped into my head

Ok so post and - cringe - the newest topping - panic comes as a side but you have to ask for it lol

Let's see if I can do this - my thoughts are really all over and some may have gotten lost. So this may bounce. So are my emotions too - the water works seem to come at weird times

I think I'm bascally just depressed but then the anxiety strikes and there have been a few panic attacks - some were caught in time - other's were not

I'm having trouble with isolating. It's something I'm really good with - I get convinced that I'm bothering people or just not worth the time. There's some issues with - just not wanting to be around anymore. But I've been told to stay - to just f**king stay J - so I stay. The loyal f**king dog that I am - and there's some anger about that

I read a post - not too long ago I think - Idk- time around here for me is questionable. I had things that helped with that alittle but - now - it's ok - I'm a big boy now so I can do it lol. Anyway this post - I won't go too much into detail but I understand the voice they have. Sounds alot like the RQ in many ways. The influence - doing things you don't want to do

I don't think I've been a very good friend to people - I haven't been very supportive - I haven't been a very good person. I fight with my words and the things I'd like to say to them but I keep my mouth shut because I have no faith in anything I say. The words all sound false and hollow

Right now - I feel shaky - I'm not sure why - maybe just because I'm writing here. Intrusive thoughts pop up and I have to push them away. Got triggered the other day by a picture of a no*se again - first time was watching a western lol

I'm f**king up - I realize I am but I can't seem to stop it. I'm losing myself and I can't seem to stop that either but I'm not sure where I'm going. Does that make sense? The sight of my hands make me feel sick sometimes - sometimes they look so small - other times they feel so big but sometimes this body is that way too. And I feel off balance and it's like the world is tilting around me and - idk

I'm sorry - this might be a long post and I can't help but think that maybe if I'd do this more often the posts wouldn't get so long - so maybe I need to make myself - at least once a day - even if it's just a meme or something just to maybe help break the isolation. I suggested that to someone else once lol - maybe I should follow my own suggestion - lol - a feeling of dread now - like an ugh - seriously? and the thought that noone f**king cares anyway

Actually reached out to a few listeners the other day or - well - tried to. Logan tries too but IDk - guess we pick wrong. I actually joined the general queue the other day - I had something happen I didn't think could here lol. Seems out of all the thousands of listeners here - cups told me they had none available. LMAO! How's that lol! Fate has spoken - ya know? Tried again and noone was there I guess - their light was green but noone was home - so again Fate lol. It just all add's up - you've no idea how much it all adds up or maybe you do - we're all struggling with something. The one's Logan reaches out to are supposed to be good and open to things - they reply that they're open to talk but then they never reply back again - is it so hard to find understanding? Chr*t even just some - something Idk. Head's starting to hurt

Worked on relaxing alittle - physically last night. Laid on the bed and consciously made muscles relax - which made me realize - how much I physically hurt - all those childhood accidents

Sometimes - there's flashbacks - small glimpses into places I don't recall - lives I haven't lived. Some are ok - but others are bad and they come from out of no where it seems - something triggers it I'm sure but I can't figure out what it is and I don't allways know who it comes from

Been trying to straighten up the attic some - there's alot of crap. It's taking longer then it should because there's so much to sidetrack things. Toys lol - stuffies. There's a small monkey on the kitchen table that someone took a liking to. I'm not sure what his name is lol

I allmost did something the other night that I haven't done for awhile - prayed. Deperate times call for desperate measures lol. I was reminded though that it never did any good before so I didn't. I'm not a believer - which is weird I guess because I believe in ghosts but I don't think there's really any heaven or hell or devil or god. But ghosts and demons - oh yeah. I just think it all boils down to energy and the energy the person who passes has. Energy is passed to other things - good energy but maybe doesn't want to disperse - ghosts - bad energy - demons. Hell or heaven *that words doesn't look right* anyway lol - heaven and hell are what we make it. I don't believe any all powerful being has been looking out for me lol because if they were - someone should get fired. I will admit though - I am alittle envious of people who do believe - that their faith gives them strength - something to call on in times of need

I suppose - alarms are ringing lol - too long - way too long - I know I'm forgetting important things or points but I have a powerful urge to get out of the house and the doggo probably has to go too so - we'll go

If you made it through the whole thing - Yay you lol no - seriously Thank you for reading

Allmost forgot :)

freaking anxiety. Even just here with people I know. People who are so nice. It's not them it's me. It just gets so tiring. I spend time writing a post or reply and delete over half of it - just to rewrite it again and delete. Three times! Frustrating Holy cow so frustrating. Just SILENCE! Maybe I exceeded some sort of word limit yesterday. Idk

Oh Pita is back! YAY! 😁 <---- I said this would happen *sorry private joke*

Some issues today - word and thought insertion - thought thieving - pretty severe physical pain and dissociation - anxiety is ahead of the depression but with anxiety it's a sprint - depression is a marathon runner

Ok - um - yeah gotta go

I understand but yet I don't. Maybe that's why the anger that flares quickly dies down to sadness. I read the words over and over - looking for a clue because I think something got lost along the way. Maybe its just wishful thinking. Maybe not. So much has been lost in a few months - I feel those losses every day

My words have venom tonight. The words are hostile and cruel but I'll swallow them down and poison myself with them instead - at least for now and ive been thinking how much I am like him - bitching about circumstances that I brought on myself. Thinking that its ok - to talk to certain people - to force them to talk to me. And in the end - I realize the thing that we vowed him has come to call. Damn karma and damn me as well. I'm sorry - for all I am and for all I am not - I don't think I can say that enough - Idk - if you should even believe me. When I think I how to show it - I'm not supposed to talk about those things here. Sounds melodramatic and attention seeking so - lol guess I shouldn't say anything but if I share just happy shit - do you have idea how blank these pages would be? Idk - maybe maybe maybe

Pause - before you say or do something stupid J

I don't understand where the time goes. When I see posts - I'm often surprised to see days have past. Hours - months - years

My hands shake alot - emotions - Can go from bawling like a baby to practically foaming at the mouth sometimes and I just want to rage. Just full blown - rage. It scares me. I know I'm being immature about some things but I'm not sure how to stop that

I feel like I'm perched on a ledge - ya know? Push me off or pull me back. Idk - maybe I can just stand here for awhile - think about that drop off. It's not the drop that k**ls you - it's that sudden stop at the end. I'm ashamed of those thoughts

There's some problems with impulses - getting lost in my head alot h**l - losing thoughts. The words just poof and I'm left with a blank slate

I don't understand myself - and right now I feel like I am the lousiest person to walk this planet. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity or even understanding. I think - maybe I'm looking for - me - maybe - Idk. Maybe - my soul

How do I make sense of all this? Some sense of me

I'm sorry - for so many things. People I've hurt - things I've said - things I've done. The doubts I caused - the confusion I've caused. I'm sorry for the times I should have reached out - and didn't. I'm sorry for the times I reached out - and shouldn't have. For all the misplaced words and rambling thoughts. I wanted to do good things here - I don't think I have or if I did - I tainted it with bad. It'll be ok and if it's not - thats ok too