Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*
I created this space for me to be able to write - whatever is on my mind that I may not want replies too. It isn't that I don't appreciate the replies - it's that alot of times I am really uncomfortable with the support. Sometimes it's the well meaning words get twisted around in my head - sometimes it the well meaning suggestions that are turned around and taking the wrong way. Sometimes - it's fear - rejection - judgement - fear of offending someone with what I say. Even now - the creation of this is - causing some anxiety - and I feel the edge of a panic attack - so let's take a pause and a few deep breaths
I often don't feel as though I deserve support. I waste peoples time and feel like an inconvenience. With that in mind - I've been slowly going quiet
The TW is because - well - lets be honest - if I'm going to put some of whats in my head and and I don't want replies - you dear gentle reader should be warned at least. Because there are times my head is a scary place -
I'll say I'm sorry in advance because sometimes I do swear - I try not to and I try to remember replace some letters - but well sometimes I dont care and sometimes I forget. Idk - I suppose I should say sorry for my sense of humor in advance too - because sometimes it's alittle dark or alittle inappropriate
So - let's post and panic over this now shall we?
Yesterday was actually a pretty good day. I think it waa probably been awhile since I was that social. It hit last night - the drain. Idk - should socializing take so much out of you?
For the past week there's been a problem on my mind - and I thought I had it figured out but the solution I had felt so wrong. Nothing is set it stone right? So why do things still feel conflicted? Why do both feel wrong? Doing it causes issues - what if not doing it causes issues too? Why does everything have to be over thought all the time? What if someone gets hurt and its somehow my fault? I try to be so careful with what I say - how I say it but what if just being here causes problems? What if? What if?
I wish - Idk - I wish I could listen to what I tell other people and have it straighten things out that I can just leave it - not the back and forth crap all the freaking time
Why do I have to feel restless? That crawl out of your body feeling. Idk maybe my soul is tired of it - I get tired of this body too sometimes. Maybe they weren't made for each other
I get really tired of the influence
If I'm honest - this hurts. Shunned is the word that comes to mind. Seems the ones who should be the most open minded - aren't
For all they claim to know - they seem to have forgotten how to treat people
If I'm honest with myself - I should leave. I'm one of the bad ones here. The reason for rules and regulations. Thinking - what? That I'm helping? You can't explain or reason with close minded people. It doesn't even feel welcoming here. I'll be the one to f*ck things up - at least I'm smart enough to know that
Very full head and uncontrollable emotions tonight. Hate when it's like this. It's not so much that there's too much on the plate. It's all just so heavy. Everytime it seems as though something is being cleared away something else get a put on it. Something just as heavy. It's hard to make a decision because theres so much internal conflict. SH is an issue again. Just putting that here for accountability. Think maybe a shut down is coming. Nobody wants to deal with this sh*t. Just so tired of everything . Too many fires not enough water. And no where to dump the ashes and somewhere Idk wtf happened? The RQs play ground now
shouldn't be here :(
I type - I delete. In the end we say nothing. Why? There's often so many thoughts in this head and I used to share them more willingly. But then this happen and a cord was severed and then that happened and another cord was gone. I feel as though I have no voice anymore. Nothing with any clarity. Just mumble most days. Incoherent. Some days they're allmost foreign. Are we so used to being out of sight and out of mind that this is it? Forever and a day?
It's bad enough to have the mental and emotional pain but then the physical kicks in. That takes it to a new level because it hard to keep moving when it hurts to move
I think maybe I missed a memo somewhere. The one where it says to do as I say not as I do. The one where some bad behavior is ok as long as it's not aimed towards the authorities. Be yourself - just not like that
It feels as though my heart is being ripped from my chest. The depression at times leaves me listless - the house could be on fire and I would burn with it. Other times - the anxiety has my heart doing funny things and my hands shake - but the thoughts - the thoughts kill me - slowly. This is what I get - partial punishment for all of my sins. I'm not sure what they all are but I bet someone is keeping score
There's anger too - and an urge to rail and rage at what ever unseen force is behind all of the creation of the world - and I hate - it's consuming sometimes and threatens to eat me alive. And yet - sometimes I wish it just would
I worry - maybe we scare people away sometimes. I worry - about everything. From inside I hear - it's just a dog - but she's not - she's my friend. She has never hurt anyone and so clever - god she's so smart. She knows what toys you ask for by name - she knows to help look for her sister when I ask where she is. She knows when I hurt - she talks - lol. i know that sounds funny but we have conversations - her barks and growls replies to things we say or ask
K - is hurting. Usually is just anger from him but he is hurting. Hello my loves - he says to them. Foreheads touch and quiet words whispered to them - just for them
I need a walk - I need to quiet my heart
