Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

It wasn't supposed to be this way - and I can't get it out of my head. I can't get her out of my head. I'm not even supposed to talk about it - everything is just a painful reminder - the reminder to send a card for a birthday for someone who no longer exists in my world. That was my fault. I knew it was coming and I remembered - last year. Reading for hours and realizing now just how stupid and childish it was. Sometimes anger flashes and I try to shove it away but God - the self hatred I have is eating me alive. And I miss - so much - but I have no right. My choice - decisions made on my end. The why's dont matter - I just know what is and what is not

I'm about done - with all of this. Counting the days - biding my time. Keeping secrets from parts of myself. I'm sorry - it's not boredom. I'm just a pathetic excuse of a man - a boy trapped in the wrong body with the wrong mind that was foolish enough to believe things could be different. Guess its pathetic - feeling sorry for myself - idk. Don't really care tbh

There's things I'm not allowed to talk about - things I can't talk about - things I don't want to talk about

I wanted to do something good but it's hard to do good when all you think is bad. It hard to offer hope - when you know there is none

I know it seems wrong - it probably is wrong. But the shame - makes it feel right - justified

At the end of the day - when all is said and done - I think we just want someone to understand - someone to care - to matter in some way. But it's us against ourselves and there's consequences for everything and a price to pay. That pound of flesh to pay for our sins and I am a sinner. We are the fears of the forgotten - the broken - the diseased - the sick and the twisted - souls

I've tried writing here at least two dozen times the past week. Sometimes I'd write a few lines and delete it - other times - just open and close it

Closure has been a thought lately - or the lack of it. The thoughts you have when someone just disappears - no words said - but the message is loud and clear. It might be the wrong message but I got it and well - I suppose I should say thank you - for the lessons I learned - they haven't helped any but I learned them earlier - at her knee first - play by other peoples rules or you get kicked off the team - I can't deny that the self worth took a severe hit but thank you for showing me the truth and the light

We keep busy here - from sun up til dark. Busy keeps the thoughts away - thinking shows me the painful truth and I see myself as a failure - all the things I should have done differently - things I should or shouldn't have said - I get it now - alittle too late but better then not at all I guess

There's been other issues here - people all but demanding scientific proof that alters are real people - their own people. Support and proof are different. Our therapist supports us as real separate individuals but because there aren't reams and reels of scientific text books - it's not the same. And this was here - in a place that's supposed to be free from judgement and place of support - it's - Idk - disheartening and causes problems for people like me and other's here who have the same issue. Allthough - I think it would cause anyone problems tbh - there's just somethings you don't do to people. It doesn't seem right to constantly have to defend yourself and then when you do - you get called a bully. Idk - I just get the feeling like the world is conspiring to keep me quiet

So now let's post and later wonder if I should have lol

Headache for the past two days. Another familiar face officially gone. I was warned it might happen. Not because of something I did but troubles they were having with the establishment. I wonder who's next. How can I not? It's hard to remind myself that this one isn't my fault. She reminds me this is why we don't let people in. Idk - I tell myself it doesn't matter but it's sad - because there's things I would've liked to have said. In the end I guess it doesn't really matter. We'll deal with it. We send out the good vibes and hope they reach across the universe to them. Thank you for listening V - for being kind and gentle. You will be missed

https://youtu.be/kPBzTxZQG5Q

For some reason this is playing in my head

Logan had - Idk - an out burst last night . Frustration I guess - too many questions and no answers. Too many empty words and nothing with any substance to it. He said a few days before that he had a memory of something but didn't share more then the wicked shall fall - kind of ominous tbh

Got my hands dirty last night - didn't even try to distract. The relief was short lived - it allways is

Other things on my mind - I think I'll hold these thoughts for awhile though. Nurture them and help them grow - I think I'll find comfort in them eventually - it feels like the truth in some convoluted way

Thoughts circle but I'm the peg. Came creeping in on the wave of other thoughts. The sharks in the water. Drawn by the blood. There's a flaw in the design. Made by the cruel creators of fate. It's too late to change the plans because the build has long since started. How do you sleep at night? How do you look yourself in the mirror? Do you feel nothing? Cold callus bitch that you are. Eating with the enemy. They're your enemy too. Do you honestly think you hold any worth to them because you share blood? You sell your soul to her for a few tidbits. A few moments of her time. Her audience. You justify it but there is no justice. Not for me. Never for me. One day you'll see. One day you'll see and you'll be all alone and in those moments of silence you'll think and reflect on the monster YOU are and those thoughts will tear you apart. And I will relish every single fucking moment with a smile on my face.

What's wrong with me? Not the mental health crap - just me as a person? Was it me? Something in me? *you did the best you could - you can't help the way he turned out* Idk where I'm going with this

The day of grandmother's funeral - noone said a word to me - didn't even look at me - I was invisible to them. Do you have any idea how painful it is to be with a group of people all mourning the same loss but yet you still don't belong. You're the ghost that walks amoung the mourners. You've lost the last and only person who showed you any kindness - love. There is noone else

All the lies they told each other - the excuses they made for her - for themselves. The reasons for the abuse - *why do you make me do this* it all plays over and over and I never asked for any of this. Who would?

And I want to delete this lol - because it doesnt matter - it doesn't go away - it doesn't get better. So why say anything?

Idk - feels like I'm just wasting everyones time

But it was a decent day - until it wasn't. How do you resolve something that has no resolution? Why can't we just let it go - make up the answers we need and be satisfied with that? Why does the suffering continue? Idk - I'm tired - I'm restless - I'm a million things all at once and yet - nothing at all and I'm not sure which is worse

Sometimes things pop into my head - places I don't remember ever being at. It's hard to explain. The emotions that accompany it. Like I watch myself watch it but it's not me watching. Idk. They're vivid. Looking out a window of some high up place. Seeing all the lights - seeing all the traffic. Exhaust from cars - steam from vents. It's cold? A big city? I don't remember being at any place like that. It fades away but the impression of it is still there. Like a negative from a photo - an imprint. The memory of a memory. And I notice that writing this has caused some anxiety *smh* Just like the old house - the staircase - the fear that one causes. Is this yours? He nods yes - care to share? He nods no

Eventually

So when does it stop? When does it all stop hurting? I'm not even sure if it's my heart or my mind that hurts more. I think they're both alittle deluded and confused sometimes. There's things I want to say but someone said not to - but it makes it hard to talk about anything because it's all one tangled mess. One feeds the other and the thoughts chase each other around until it's all so confusing and makes no sense. I tell myself it doesn't matter because history has shown that it doesn't matter. And I wonder - is this what you wanted? The words - least amount of damage - repeated over and over and I can't help but wonder - for who? Because it sure as hell wasn't me because I'm alittle fucked up here. But it wasn't fair to you either - and I wish - it didn't matter but it does because you do and I don't and I get that. God knows I get that and I have to live with the choices I made - the consequences of those choices and tbh - I don't know if I can. But that's my choice too but I try to believe the pretty lies I tell myself - that it'll be ok - it'll work out in the end - knowing full well it won't. Just because it was my choice - doesn't mean I'm not allowed to have feelings about it - but I fight with myself over those feelings because saying and doing are two different things and you left no room for any more discussions. No - anything. I'm tired of feeling guilty and ashamed everytime I write something because it's hard enough to write any more because - like I said everything is a tangled mess and I try to cut out the bad parts but the whole things is unravelling and my soul feels naked and everything is raw and I thought it would stop but it doesn't - it just never stops. But you showed me - you're stronger then I am. Yeah - it does help to talk about it but I try not to but some days - I can't help myself because if I don't it eats away at me and there isn't much left anymore and now I'll feel like an ass because I did

Lost about four hours this evening. Got a thumper of a headache now. I'm tired - haven't been sleeping too good lately. Not that I ever did before but lately it's been worse. Intrusive thoughts seem to creep in and theres a restlessness

Had a really awesome conversation with someone today - they help get a few knots out of the tangled mess - hopefully I can keep it that way

Keeping busy - the garden is growing nice - there's fence up to keep the deer out now. Might even get a few plums this year

Took a shower and finally shaved - haven't been able to look in mirrors for awhile. It'll get better eventually - it just takes time - look at that- sounds alittle hopeful doesnt it? shhh - let's not scare it away

Still want to shy away from writing though - the urge to delete things is hard to deny sometimes

For now - sleep - let's be hopeful about that too :) fingers crossed

There's been alot of feelings of anger the past few days. Inadequacy - defunct. Shame - guilt - remorse. I try to fight it but I can't. Too much says other wise. It's harder to trust - harder to see the good. Harder to believe the words. Harder to not see the damage. I understand my worth now - I really do. I know it's not much. So I try to be quiet, try to stay out of sight out of mind. I think about leaving cups alot but I don't have anything else other than Doc Z - IDk - maybe that should be enough

There's things I'd like to say - but don't because they're mean and I really don't mean to hurt anyone. And what's done is done - it can't be taken back. Someone made sure of that - I learned that. Everything I tried to do right - was wrong. I have questions but not sure I want the answers - Idk - maybe I don't need answers - there's enough evidence

I'd like to quiet my thoughts - Idk - it's all my fault anyway - can't complain when you do it to yourself - right? I'm sorry - ya know? For any pain I caused to anyone - for the things I said wrong - the things I did wrong. For speaking when I should have been quiet - for being quiet when I should have said something

Thank you for reminding me of my place - Kudos

I need to find something to keep my hands busy - should be interesting as shaky as they've been lately lol - good times

If I'm honest - last night was alittle rough. Restless but tired. Nothing could quiet things. If it wasn't the noise in my head - it was the intrusive thoughts. You know - the kind that make you flinch

I think the Red Queen has set her sites on the younger ones. Telling them things. One of them said last night about feeling like a burden and he's just been sad lately - he won't say much about it right now. It's allways kind of catches me off guard because he's usually a pretty happy kid. Lol - he likes to tell knock knock jokes :) I know she doesn't bother me as much when the depression is pretty bad - because I don't care. It's like there's a wall around me that she can't penetrate - Idk. The anxiety still hits sometimes at weird times. Things that there were time limits for. So we try to remember we're not racing the clock to avoid her wrath anymore. Dishes can take time - showers should be relaxing. Bedtime should be relaxing and pleasant - not laying in fear of her bursting in - the door slamming the wall - no screaming. We can rest - its safe to rest- to sleep. Tazzer is there right beside us - our hand on her side - feeling the rise and fall and then - a new memory - the rise and fall does it - Kodie - those last moments - when that rise and fall - stopped

It's ok to cry

Got hit on the head on Friday by a branch lol. Knocked my noggin - bumped my bean lol. Guess it's kind of not funny because since then things have been hazy - fuzzy - blurry. Muddy and murky. It's been hard staying present

Idk - sometimes all the thoughts are like a current and I guess I get carried away by it and lost in the ocean of it

Sharing is harder and harder - there's thoughts that anything shared is a potential weapon that can be used against us. Fuel for manipulation. Noone will get that close again - there is no such thing as unconditional

lol - apparently it takes an hour to write - what - twenty sentences?

Last week was pretty rough. Twice ended up an hour or so away from the house with no idea how or why. Then a dentist appointment. Anxiety has been pretty high and headache - holy cow. Just split my skull. Today was a de/r day - funny because the field needed mowed. Alot of forgetfulness. Idk - some days are sad - some days are mad - some days are emotional - some days are numb and I can't seem to find anything that helps. Like I'm incredibly and hopelessly lost and some days I dont care. Some days I want to rip off my skin and silence the nonsense in this head. I had a sense of humor - a couple months ago. I miss that - being able to joke around alittle. Every thing takes energy - it takes energy to live and I'm still laying where I fell. Probably have mold growing somewhere
There's another member here with the same thing - I think they're alittle older and they're still having problems and I cant help but think this will never get better and we're foolish to ever think it would
I even joined a musician on YouTube for their live streams and take part in the live chats - I dont say much but this person usually replies back to me - which is kind of cool
I worry about taking the wrong vibe to people's threads - I think I am - maybe - Idk. I just feel so incredibly stupid all the way around - stupid for thinking - for feeling and stupid because I'm not even sure I can explain why I feel that way. Some days I feel so childish and other days I feel so old. Idk - maybe after everything that happened - maybe now I finally become bitter - maybe now I can be just like her. I think I'd rather die first - maybe everything is just frozen and I just need to *let it go*
Be gentle with yourselves and your thoughts - Sounds good doesn't it - do you ever actually do it? I rarely do either

Seem to be having trouble with words today. *think before you open your mouth* Yesterday was anger - rage. It seems to simmer in the back ground for awhile and then some little happens and you blow a fuse. Been trying to do constructive things with it but it's hard sometimes - now we're back to the clenched jaw and tight muscles
sitting outside - its easy to get lost In the sound of the locusts in the woods but then something is caught out of the corner and the anxiety spikes and I feel shaky - fearful
I ask Doc Z these things and he says it takes as long as it takes - its a marathon J not a sprint. I don't tell him that answer is unacceptable and we don't say it pisses us off. Slight smile - nod and say ok
Saw a fawn alittle while ago - shared it with someone here on their thread. Innocence - peace. I wish I could give some peace to people. Funny I can't find my own
Sometimes there's a pressure in this head - building building building - up up up and it has to be forced Into a manageable level *you're at a 15 I need you at an 8*
Idk - I do stupid things but I do them well
Sometimes we're afraid to walk Into the bedroom if its dark lol. There's nothing in the dark that isnt there in the day - even the monsters come out In the day
I think theres too many here right now - it's crowding makes it hard to breath

Father was a thought this past weekend. Thoughts of him with his new family. There isn't much that we remember about him. Other than the pond there were just a few times. Mainly we just didnt exist to him. Unless she was pisses about something - then she would push him to do things and he would - he feared her wrath too I guess. He left when we were eight. Left with her - she got so much worse. Too much resemblance - but times when - she was lonely - we try not to think of that because we want to puke tbh and shame - embarrassment. That's the first it's been sort of admitted I think - ugh yuck - Clorox this brain - white out all of it
We built onto the greenhouse again - its become our own Winchester house. Build on to appease the restless spirits but it looks nice and everything is protected from the deer. We've allready picked green beans ansd sugar peas - there's soon going to be more
Some nights are harder then others - some nights its so uncomfortable to be in this body - this skin irritates me and and this stupid head and the thoughts start. Sometimes the physical pain helps the thoughts along and I think how tired I am - how much pain there is but I let myself get distracted. We play games - watch videos or movies. Keep busy to keep the thoughts at bay - the darkness lurks in those thoughts. Lately some dreams have been of those times in the past and I watch it happen all over again and her words replay - don't bleed on the floor the carpet is new. Even the rugs were more important - had more worth. Or we dream of those damn dogs she had - her babies
ok ok no more of these thoughts. Shaking my head doesn't make them stop - Idk why I do that
But I feel tired now

I used to think that something was better than nothing. But I should have stuck with the nothing because once you have something it's hard to go back to nothing. Does that make sense? At the same time it's hard to be something when you are nothing - you reminded me of that - silly me to think otherwise

Um - emotional flashbacks have been an issue for the past few days I don't want them - but I can't get them to stay away. And my head is on fire and and it feels like I could explode and I feel like I could tear myself apart - disassemble everything and start from scratch build a better more complete J - closer to whole so that maybe - just maybe someone would be ok with me being me - even if me is just some f*cked up guy - even if it is all my fault

I tried - I really did - idk if you realize how hard I was trying but I never got it right did I? Just another mark against myself - what a loser - a failure- nobody - a freak. If you can't fit in with family - what chance do you have fitting in anywhere? She used you against me - she still does and I thought - eh - it doesn't matter what I thought anymore - just more thoughts I'll keep to myself because it doesn't matter. Started telling myself that alot again - it doesn't matter. We all die in the end anyway. You were the red pill - she was the blue - but she poisoned the koolaid :(

I was warned - I should have listened. I see that now. I'm afraid - I'm afraid I'm becoming bitter. Maybe it's just anger - Idk. The only thing I know - is that if I keep busy - I don't think. Keep the music so loud you feel it. Tear yourself apart physically - so you can hold on mentally but in the end - does it matter? Does any of it f*cuking matter at all? I'm afraid it doesn't. What if it doesn't matter that you have no purpose in life? What if there's no higher calling to do greater things? What if, at the hour of our judgement we're judged by our character, judged by how we treated people, judged by our kindness? What if we lost that ability? What happens then? Are we sentenced to come back and relive the lives we had until one day we get it right? Or are there levels of heaven similar to the levels of hell? Are we graded? Is grading on a curve? Perhaps we're sent to a remedial class to make up what we missed, the lessons we failed. Humanity and compassion: 101. St. Peter will be a guest speaker and everyone will receive a paper with the requirements they need to level up. Don't be late and bring your own pencil. I apologize if none of this makes much sense. There's a glitch in the matrix today.


knock knock Neo

And now I'm even more confused about friendships here. I think there is just too much beyond my scope of understanding. They tell you to make friends but not get attached but isn't friendship in it's self an attachment? There has to be some form of a connection and in turn friendship. Without that connection it can be harder to talk to someone. Am I wrong? Probably 😕 Idk anything anymore and I'm tired of trying to figure it out

It feels like I'm losing what's left of my mind. Nothing stays straight. It's all just one big f*vking mess and Idk what to do with it. What do I do? What would you do? Maybe we really can be too broken - maybe we're just too far gone - maybe I'm just too stupid to figure it out

If you had it to do over again - would you? If you knew then what you know now -
Have you ever noticed the price you pay for a good day? One good day and then the ones that follow seem to go to hell and stay there - Idk - maybe they seem worse because you had that one good day

Just keep busy - ya know? If you're busy you don't think - that will hit you later when you want to sleep - then those thoughts come creeping in - then you realize how much of a failure you are and probably allways will be

Started to remodel the kitchen - finally agreed on paint colors - lighter and brighter but sometimes it cranks up the anxiety. Of course there was bound to be problems with it - who ever mixed the color at the store - forced it and it was more tint then actual paint - which of course started the arguements - should've just left well enough alone and see this is why we shouldn't have done this but now it's started and it has to be finished - add in some random cuss words for effect

Actually got to see Doc Z in person last friday - made it alittle more real again - he asked me how long I plan on punishing myself - said Idk - it's been a rough year. Everything just seems pointless - he said it's the depression that makes it seem that way - but Idk - I think thats just the reality of it - meds were upped and empty promises said and now we wait - they either work or they don't lol - those would be the two choices - ya know?

Problems physically with a hip and knee - knee keeps swelling - back issues between my shoulders - snide comments about that - thank you K. But the tendon in my hand is healing nicely and hasn't been as painful
Made a few apologies here to a few people I sort of feel like I had abandoned - Idk - probably pointless there too - should have done it sooner - should have done things better - HAve figured out how not to bother anyone - that was the easy part lol - just be quiet :) You have the right to remain silent - but sometimes not the ability

I must really be a really shitty person to have in anyone's life - just knowing me is a fucking nightmare
The dog still likes me though - the cat tolerates me
Idk - think maybe the family is right

You found your way into my thoughts again - unfortunately it just helps remind me of how big a failure I am. How I failed to be what you needed but yet - Idk - things get so screwed up in my head. I told someone awhile ago it's like my head plays that game - pass it on or down or whatever it's called - you say something to one person and they pass it on to someone else and it goes on and on and by the time it gets back to you the orginal thing you said is so convoluted it's unrecognizable - I told you the messages get twisted Idk - long story short - I'm the bad guy in all the versions - yeah?

I allmost checked that box off the other day again - I get tired of being censored - everyone wants me to be quiet - they might be surprised at how quiet I can be

I try not to ask for anything - I don't think I ever asked you for anything either but I guess I didn't give anything either but you showed me in the end - I learned a valuable lesson - we all did. I should have never replied - I shuld have never tried to explain my feelings. I should have just locked it all down - like everything else - what's one more locked box?

So what do I do? Idk. It sucks when there's no motivation for anything - I haven't worked on anything since sept. Sometime theres a spark of creativity but it dies pretty quickly because it isn't nurtured. We do yard work and the garden and we're still working on the kitchen remodel and keep alive the things that breathe. Anxiety threatens to shake me apart but depression threatens to drag me under and out of the two - I'm not sure which is worse

Twice in one week - woo hoo! Saw Doc Z today - seems there's some abandonment issues - lol - imagine that! The sperm donor that contributed to the creation of the wonderful person writing this post left when we were 8 - a year after the pond incident. Said he couldn't stay anymore - he couldn't deal with her anymore - Idk - I think I'm more confused by what is know about this because - he wasn't as bad when she wasn't around - but then there were times that he was cold - silent - seething - Idk - something is to puzzle through. Maybe he was alittle bit of a buffer in some ways - maybe not. They both seemed to feed each other's - hatred? Deprevations? Good word - Tbh - I'm not sure how I feel about this. He has since gotten with someone new - she has a daughter - he likes girls better then boys. They got married a while back - sent an invitation - threw it away

Met a Karen for the first time today - zero stars - definitely do not recommend. And she was wrong - she knows now that she was
Idk - debating debating defreakingbating - speak - hold your tongue - it's all pretty much out there anyway - does it matter at this point? Idk - in some ways the fear remains - freak
I feel - shaky - sadness - Idk - let's have a piece of candy and think on it

Today was a bad day. Saturday's seem to be most times. I didn't like the face in the mirror so I avoided it - afraid I'd end up breaking it
Emotional - just all over - tbh - practical in tears now and I'm not sure why - savage comes to mind
I need to learn to not get into other people's business. Support yes - but for other things - Idk - I think I misunderstand more then anything. Like some knight in shining armor - which is so laughable
I can't keep my head straight - I'm not safe for people - I don't even know if I'm safe for myself - just -
savage

At the age of 17 - 3 months was spent in a psych ward. Suicide. Second time. I don't remember much about that time. Bits and pieces here and there. For some reason - I remember drinking alot of pineapple juice. I remember it was co-ed and a locked ward and a girl with fluffy pink slippers. I remember having nightmares and grandmother saying it was because there was a battle between God and Satan for my soul
There was a diagnosis of BPD but that got dropped with the therapist that was seen for the self harm. He noticed switches and met Kade . Said he couldn't help - recommended therapist number two - I don't remember much about him - just that he was young and kind of enthusiastic - said we could all learn together - from what I understand he was pushy wanting to trigger switches. Then we got Doc Z and got a definite DID diagnosis. On Friday though - Doc Z brought up BPD - Quiet BPD. Reading up on it - it explains alot. When it rains it really does pour. I'm like a walking alphabet with all the letters that are going here
and tbh - my first thought is what did I do to ever deserve all this? I'm afraid to ask what else could possibly happen? This can't be my life - how am I supposed to work on all of this? How is this all ever going to work?

Idk what's real anymore. Maybe I'm dead and this is my purgatory. Maybe the was a psychotic break and I'm doped up in a nice hug me jacket . just a bunch of delusions - figments. None of it matters I'm still the same asshole - maybe just a few more letters to add to the others - but god it does it explain - something
There should be a limit on the amount of problems one person can have. The plate is full - things are falling off an Idk what to do with all these things - these thoughts
shhh- it's ok - it doesnt matter
sorry I'm sharing this crap here - guess I just wanted it to be heard somewhere
Dont mean to scare people off lol
eh - f**k it - I declare myself unfit damaged goods - run away lol

I think maybe I'm just determined to see myself as a monster. Maybe I'm just looking for excuses to explain my behavior or excuses to reason it away
Actually - if I'm honest - I think I was looking for an out - like let this be the last straw. I quit. Pretty poor excuse though. I think I've allways internalized things and I know I take anger out on myself so wtf is the problem J? And blamed myself for everything - so Idk - is this why or is it just because it's what ive been taught? Combination of both? The possibilities are endless lol

Hard to believe it's August - her birthday is coming. That's allways a bad day. Lately I think theres been more bad days then good. Good thing I don't remember much of them. Some days there's a feeling of such deep sadness - I'm not even sure where it all comes from. I think about things - people - all the ways I failed by not being what they wanted - by just being me. I can go days without saying a word to anyone and its like not using certain things - talking - socializing - it atrophies. Like you forget how it works
Idk - I try to do good - be good but some days I feel like such a f*ck up - am I really that bad? Such an abomination that there's no redemption? No salvation. She allways said we belonged in hell - some days I still believe her. And I realize how stupid that sounds
Some nights there's a fear of walking in the bedroom - fear that someone is in there waiting deep down we know there isn't - the dog would say so but the fear remains. Try to remember to turn on the lamp before dark but memory and remembering things sucks and I feel like an idiot when I repeat myself
Haven't been in the shop in allmost a year. Looked in but didn't do anything. Cobwebs everywhere - stuff still sitting out - just no desire to make anything. When does that come back? Will it? Maybe it's gone for good - so much else has been lost
Doesn't help we saw father on Friday - it had been years - so that been consuming alot of thoughts and probably contributing to the whole failure feeling
Idk - these thoughts feel restless and we need sleep

He said to stop - Idk how

It has to stop - all the bad stuff. I need to get the me back I was before. I need to not be afraid to speak - to talk about what ever. I used to. But - but - but - then things happened and now Idk - there's some clarity about things but it wavers. It doesnt last though and it becomes a whirlpool and sucks me down with it. It's a familiar place and theres comfort in it - comfort in the drowning. And I'm torn because a part of me feels it's deserved but another part says no more. No more suffering - no more punishment. We shouldn't rub the wounds caused by others. And I know this- we all do but then the whirlpool starts and its so damn strong. And I can't keep my thoughts straight. I fall farther away. It feels justified but yet it seems unfair. Because I KNOW the things I won't say outloud - not now - because - I can't. Oh but damn I want to. You can't imagine the war I feel inside over this
I read something earlier on a post about thw dots we have as members. That only listeners have the luxury of hiding behind their red dots. Those dots have caused trouble for some people - I remember. I didn't before
But that clarity? That clarity f*cks you up too because then you see all the the things you didn't before but watch out for where it wavers - because if you tilt your head just right - the light blinds you

I wish these feelings would stop and go away. It weighs on me sometimes - not mattering and I guess I shouldn't care -
Everything feels so heavy some days - which is kind of funny because I feel so hollow and empty too
I think some people justify themselves because destroying others must make them feel better and I am so tired of dealing with the mess. People disagree with each other - they have fights - they have falling outs. They dont just disappear usually. Not unless they really want to destroy the other person - so if that's what you were trying to do - congratulations - you succeeded. You destroyed me - you win

It feels like theres a constant war inside. I feel it - in my head - my chest. The battle rages on constantly. Known and unknown - right and wrong - wants and needs. We're tearing ourselves apart - trying to make a whole. Understanding but yet - not and it feels like - death but not
and I wish - I could - understand - everything better

Felt the sadness creeping in yesterday. The first day there was a chance to relax. Last week was so busy. A storm made some trees fall and one was across the lane. So that took time to clean up plus other things that needed done. Garden stuff to put up for the winter and yard work. Snakes have been an issue because we haven't been keeping after the weeds
Been learning about manipulation and guilt trips. Found out hurrying is a big issue for people with cptsd. That trying to stay a step a head and feeling overwhelmed. Because it feels like we're constantly racing some invisible clock. Some days it doesn't matter what it is - dishes - showers - brushing teeth. If it feels like its taking too long - panic starts. Sometimes I notice it by my breathing and if I focus on it - I can slow it down and remind myself that its ok to take it slow - we dont have to race the clock
Another thing that's been a problem is having fun and playing. In some ways it feels as though its not allowed - there's guilt sometimes with doing fun things because if we get caught there'll be trouble. Its healthy to laugh though and its nice when it happens. Like a morale booster or something
The state of our country weighs on us too because none of it is good. And I mean NONE of it. The whole world is on fire and they're trying to push some new world order and we want no part of it. Everything they're doing is illegal and if you can't see it - then I'm afraid you're blind
My father - has HIV - he's had it for years. Something he picked up from someone he was with years ago. He takes some medicine for it and said he's doing ok. Not sure if we're supposed to feel bad for him or not. Haven't really given it much thought tbh
Its allmost been a year since I've worked on anything - I feel bad about that - there's cobwebs in the shop. Ideas are there - but the desire to do anything with those ideas isn't - I miss it sometimes

@mytwistedsoul
https://youtu.be/fQ3wpjdYMqk

Peter Gabriel - I grieve

He says to not let fear control you - but I don't think he understands
Sometimes it feels so bad that we sit still - frozen in place - heart racing - breathing fast and shallow as quietly as we can - and thoughts have a mind of their own. You neither here nor there - just a melding pot and hold
They're his thoughts - mine - hers - theirs - ours - they are what they are. Nobody has to agree - they can just be. Right or wrong - it doesn't matter. Some may understand and others may not. It's ok - it's allways ok. Say the words outloud if you must - shout them. Just say - IT's OK Control your breathing deep breath in hold and release. Feel the calmness - it's ok

Influence has been an issue. Mind what you write 'cuz sometimes bad words are hidden from sight. We watched all the hummingbirds yesterday. Peaceful on the porch with the cat and the dog. Enjoying the sun. It will soon be cold. It gets cold now. At night and early morning we needed a jacket. Leaves fall. We made ice cream! It was good but doesn't do too good in the freezer. We';ll have to make smaller bactches. The kitchen is almost done It's brighter and doesn't feel as heavy but it was a problem at first but it's ok - now. Time is funny how it moves - slow fast and not at all. sometimes all at the same time and I don't know how that works. I like to watch the leaves in the trees when the wind blows and lay in the grass with the dog and laugh when she snores. She's a nice dog. This things doesn't ave emojeans but the phone does
Remember it's ok - it's ok - nod your head yes do you understand? you're drifting
Why don't you see as I do? Because we all have our own perspectives. For some it's all shades grey and other's it's black and white. Other's the music is muted and colors too bright and it's all ok. R you calm? And I am. I see things through my experiences and you see things through yours. Neither is right or wrong
Babies you have to keep an eye on them. Come out come out. Come here. The gate sqeaks thats how I shoudve known. Why is there an alarm going? Because it's time. Time for what?
LUNCH! Feed me semore - why did we watch that moive?

We move gingerly through the days. I think we all realize how tentative our grip is. We're quieter and try not to ask much of anyone. A fear of wasting anyones time or being annoying helps but then there's the depression. The comfort of isolating
I'm learning the value of grief. I think I've been in denial about alot of things and I grieve for what is lost. All of it. Childhood - life it's self - grandparents - dog - friends. I grieve the past - the present and the future. It's a constant ache some days but sometimes I welcome that pain because it reminds me to be humble and that helps me be gentle with others - the best I can - which is maybe why we're quieter - I don't know if I trust that gentleness and I'm not sure how to explain that. Well - no - I do but ive found that not everything needs an explanation. I'm learning - it takes me awhile but I do catch on eventually. Alot of them are still the wrong lessons and it frustrates our therapist but hopefully some day the lessons will change for the better - maybe not. Its all a crap shoot anyway isnt it?

Things haven't been too bad here. There are still bad days but there have also been some good ones too. Little things done to help with other things. The discovery of wire lights has helped in the stairway and bedroom. The stairway has purple ones and the bedroom has gold colored ones wrapped around two dragon statues. We have alot of fun watching the chickens and last weekend a new addition was added here in the form of a horse named Danny. He's an older guy but he needed a home so his owners didn't have to send him to the auction. So far it's been really nice having him around. He nickers in the morning when he see's us - singing for his breakfast :) It's really calming to spend time grooming him. Tbh - there was some concern about getting him at first because horses were a big thing when we were younger and there's some trauma around them. So we're careful and mindful of things when we're with him. All in all so far it's been a pleasant experience and we're happy he's here

Last night we spent time playing with a toad that found it's way onto the porch. You can find bug videos on youtube and he was trying to eat the bugs that crossed the screen - the phone had toad tongue prints on it lol!

We learned at an early age to keep records of things - conversations and such - to try and help keep things straight but sometimes it doesn't work and things get alittle twisted but it's helped sharing these things with Doc Z to get his take on it and he helps shed some light on it and helps things get untangled. I guess we started doing that because there was alot of people saying that it didn't happen that way or they like to change the narrative of things to make themselves look or feel better. That's a big thing with the family because god forbid they look bad in anyway. So a big thanks to Doc Z and his seeing what I mean - It helps keep it straight and helps when people seem to think I need to defend my thoughts and feelings - Rock on Doc Z! An awesome listener helps too - to have someone else to share things with - that understands and explains things so that I can grasp it when the comprehension isn't there - Thank you for your patience and understanding that it takes me awhile to catch on - only to turn around and have to rehash the same thing again - you are awesome! These people have no idea just how much I appreciate them

Other than that - understanding this hurrying thing helps with the anxiety with certain chores - paying attention to how we're breathing during those times has helped alot. And being mindful to it helps us take a step back and remind ourselves that there is no need to rush - it's ok to take our time and maybe even enjoy some of the moments. Like shower's - washing dishes. There's no rush - no need to race the clock. Sometimes we forget and the panic sets in but it's getting better

The arrival of Beau has help to understand something better about some of the fears we have and he's pretty awesome. His enthusiasm and enjoyment of things is amazing at times - even with all he's been through and we've enjoyed showing and sharing with him the good things that are here on the mountain

Wow - Tazzie gone. I didn't talk to her much but when I did she was so nice and now she's gone :(

There was some sadness last night - death has a way of bringing that around. There were thoughts of the grandparents and their passing. The dog and her passing but we honored them by allowing the grief and the tears to come. It's hard to believe that this past sunday it had been a year since she was diagnosed with cancer and the clock started ticking. And for as sad as it still makes us sometimes - we're still grateful that we were given those extra weeks to do special things with her - to show her how special she was. Tbh - that sadness is still there right now and I've caught myself having to wipe my eyes more than once today and - I'm ok with it. The tears don't cause the shame they once did and I guess it shows some growth here on our part - that's a good thing I think

Which to ask forgiveness for -

What I am or what I am not?

Which should I regret -

What I became or what I didn't?

@mytwistedsoul god you're an idiot J

Put your teeth away

Today hasn't been a good day. I written and deleted so many times I've lost count. Nothing in my head makes any sense. I think about accountability and justifying. I'm trying to be accountable for the things I've done. I've apologized for things I've done wrong. I'm not perfect - I never claimed to be. I wonder if I do more harm then good being here. No matter how careful I've tried to be - I mess up. Doesn't everyone? I try to be gentle with myself with these thoughts but its hard on nights like this. I have to watch everything I say because people make assumptions. I think that's something we all do too. I have to watch too because there's some influence and I have to double check that I'm writing what I'm trying to write. I'm really tired of being me. I'm tired of having to explain everything and not being able to. I'm tired of being disposable. I'm tired of questioning everything I think and feel. Is this right? Am I allowed to feel this way?

I saw a thread that asked what three things has life taught you - I've learned that life isn't fair. I've learned that people tell you what they think you want to hear - whether it's true or not. I've learned that most people feel no remorse for the things they do. My family doesn't. They dont think they've ever done anything wrong and the way my head is right now - I agree. I got everything I deserved with interest

As an added bonus I've learned you can't trust anyone - even yourself - maybe especially yourself because your head tells you lies

There's more I could say but why - why bother with anything. I'm tired - we're all tired and confused - maybe that just our natural state. And I can't - I just can't - not anymore. I'll be the villain ok? I'll be the bad guy - it seems to help people sleep at night. I don't think my parents ever lost a night of sleep. Maybe beating your kid is tiring work - I guess maybe in her mind it was justified. Maybe it was - if it wasn't why would she have done it?

I'm sorry if anything I wrote here offends anyone. I seem to be good at that too