Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

Yesterday I felt nothing - was calm and fairly level headed I guess. Mostly numb - I guess. Now - the depression is creeping in. Ang again the d**n tears. Do you want something to cry about? No thanks - I have enough allready

The days are mixed up. For what ever reason I thought it was later in the week. Time is relative I guess. So is safety too for that matter. Guess it all depends on your perspective

He was crying. It broke my heart to see it because he's usually a happy kid. The joker. He wanted to know what they would do to her after she was gone. The RQ - was telling him - the horrible things they would do. It took some time to get him calmed down - to explain that they wouldn't do the things she was saying they would - that they would treat her just as gently as they do any other time. K was beyond p*ssed. Hunted her down and told her she had better mind her tongue. She can be so cruel

I'm really not doing too bad at the moment - the problem is at night sometimes - allthough sometimes it's all day too lol
Intrusive thoughts are an issue - especially at night when I close my eyes - the thoughts and images come hard and fast sometimes and it feels as though we'll drown in them

I feel - Idk - there's alot of blame. I should have noticed something sooner - I'm not sure how but I feel I should have seen some sign. She was at the vets in February though for a check up - maybe they should have seen something too

Today is a good day for her - She's resting comfortably - was washing her feet earlier. The day before was a bad day for her - one that actually had me reaching for the phone a few times. She was shivering - her ears and her feet felt cold - her belly felt cold. But we sat with her on her bed and covered her up with a blanket and the shivering stopped - we wondered if it's making her thermostat alittle wonky - I guess it's possible anyway. One day I'll have to share some funny stories

For the most part - Idk - theres alot of changes here that lead me to be quiet - some is the anxiety - others is the depression. I have noticed alot of things here though the past week and I can't help but wonder how many others notice it too - and I wonder if the powers that be notice and if they even care and then I wonder why I care myself. Guess it's just something for me to worry about thats beyond my control lol - why not everything else is

May as well post and regret this - :)

Times when it gets like this I swear I'm just going crazy. Too many different thoughts and emotions. Some seem irrational. All just fleeting. Thoughts come and just as quick are gone and I can't seem to recover them. Times when I have so much to say but the words just won't make sense. The intrusive thoughts so strong there has to be a distraction. Sometimes as soon as I try to sleep and I have to get up and move. Hatred at times for the face in the mirror. More thoughts about what should be done with it. And I worry about coming in here because I feel like I need to be my own cheerleader with how something is written. At times there's so much to feel you just tremble at the power of it. And shame for being so weak. Shame for who you are. Shame because you can never be who you want to be. Shame for who you need to be and can't. Because you aren't you. You're a million other things but you aren't you. Do you even know who you are? I don't. I don't have a f*cking clue. I don't even know - what I was going to say s**t

Anger seems to be an issue the last few hours and I have no idea where it's coming from. I watch the hands because they don't feel like mine. Teeth and jaw hurt from having them clenched so tight and it's ok. You know why it's ok? Because you said so

Now if my head would stop pounding

Sleep - yes please

If I'm honest - I see myself as a great source of disappointment. Fundamentally defective - comes to mind. Maybe thats why there's anger - just anger at myself for lacking - everything and it makes me feel like I should apologize for that

I have to be careful of what I write and make sure to re-read it because there's some issues with influence and inserting things that shouldn't be

There was alot of dissociation over the weekend - the Queen was screaming inside my head - loud enough to rattle the windows - How Long J? Over and over and she laughs - laced with insecurities she allways gets the best of me. If I dissociate - I can't hear her and I can calm myself. It's funny how breathing works sometimes - how you don't notice it's getting away from you until it's too late and you're practically gasping for air. I know she fuels alot of the urges to isolate - to be silent. She tells me what my words are worth and reminds me of how big a failure I am

I see titles for threads that make me laugh sometimes. What fictional character would you be - lol. Let's not go there - none of it is legitimate anyway right? None of them should exist - so you and you go. There! Whew - glad that's done

Anger - the emotion for all seasons. It lives in me constantly. Makes me anxious. Even just writing here now - had to get up and walk away for alittle. Worried about being snarky - there's new rules and Idk - I'm getting things wrong and I care but don't about getting in trouble. Alot of conflict there - I mean - Idk - I think this is me and if I can't be me - then what's the point and there's the depression. Which for some reason feeds the anger and makes me anxious at the same freaking time. It like you're on the edge of completely losing your sh*t but you're holding on to control by your fingernails. You do what you have to do - because it's all up to you

Lol - poof - gone and back - hate when that happens. Man she makes my head hurt

Sometimes there's so much swirling inside. The emotions - the words - the thoughts - makes you feel sick. Your head doesn't really hurt - it just feels full - like pressure building. No relief valve. It leaves you feeling shaky - off balance - off kilter - unhinged - to quote someone else. Your heart feels like it wants to burst out of your chest - you half wonder if you should help it out. Damn deceitful thing that it is. Your mind slips away but it doesnt go to the grey. It goes - Idk - it's a dark place - anger all around - angry voices - feeds the sickness - steals your breath - feels uncomfortable but so unbelievably - Idk - deserved - right? Maybe Idk - it just is - whatever it is - should probably tuck it in though - out of sight

Painfully aware of how misunderstood that was. Just when I thought I couldn't feel worse. Should've known better - I don't make sense - the words don't either. I think they used to alittle better then before. How can anyone understand if you can't yourself. Failure - way to go J

Good thing for rules or this would be a cuss filled post. I feel toxic - poisonous. The thoughts less then friendly. A f**k the world and everyone in it day - me included