Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

New Year soon to begin. Mixed emotions. Alot of thoughts. Few words to express any of it. I guess - I don't want to get too hopeful - thinking oh it'll be so much better next year. The state the world's in right now - doesn't give much in the way of confidence

My father sent a christmas card this year and a check. He texted too - lol. We thanked him for the card and told him where to stick his money. It feels like being bought off. Hush money - blood money. Idk - he got pissed I guess and the world disappeared for a few days. Idk what happened to the check

Weather has been crazy this year. Warmer than normal and not much snow. But a change is coming soon and it'll be colder

Think we're catching a cold or the rona one of the million different BS variants. Taking vitamins and eating clementines lol

Haven't been drinking - other then normal stuff. Kind of proud of that. Harming is still an issue and the usual - influence - intrusive thoughts. Panic attacks are better - finding things that helps sometimes when the anxiety redlines

Idk - guess that's it. New Year - new day of a new month - let's make a dent in the universe ;)

I wish - I wish I knew what is right and what is wrong. Morally I do -at least I think I do - socially I don't. It's been even more confusing lately - because the doubts I have about myself out weigh any positivity I have for me as a person. The depression eases for alittle and then returns and I feel like a loser because of it. I'm allways depressed anymore - someone commented on that a few months ago and now it's a thought that just circles around in my brain and I think - oh look what a loser you are for being depressed again and I know it's not right and I know it's not fair to me because I don't think that about other people and their depression because it's not like anyone chooses to feel like this

I'm trying to let go of a few things that I know are no longer beneficial to me in anyway - but it's really hard tbh because it has a ring of truth to it - well not really - it reeks of the past but they align with the past so - Idk how else to explain it. I guess just because I heard it before - that doesn't make it true? Kind of a consider the source maybe?

I commented to someone a few days ago about how childhood trauma is the gift that keeps on giving and my god - it's so true. You peel back one layer and there's more - another layer and more. It's just a never ending pile of layered BS and it's like someone just left it on my lap and I've recoiled in disgust and have no idea what to do with it - ewww - seriously? They say ignorance is bliss and omg - that's true too - I think I was alot more content before I knew the content of everything does that make sense? Idk - I'm all over the place today *smh* Idk - alot of type and delete lol

Had a nightmare last night - sort of - kind of. A faceless person over the left side of the bed. I say faceless but a part of me says it was an alien but I call bullshit because this isn't X-Files and the dog was right there too. But apparently aliens are magic and knocked the dog out but she jumped up as soon as I did - so Idk. One of the younger ones keeps talking about shadow figures in the bedroom and he allways starts out saying - I probably shouldn't tell you this - but

So nightmare or aliens? Lol

This sucks. I suck. Last night sucked. Was afraid to sleep. Shame creeped in at some point yesterday evening. Read a few things to feed it and the hate. Had no place to turn these things - so turned it on myself - again. To know me is to hate me. You should. Everyone else that knows me does. She told me so. On some level she's allways right - she knows - she's allways known. Its why we should be alone. It's why we are. Bad people don't deserve good people - good things. Family knew - it why they did the things they did. And do they knew the whole time. They tried to fix it but its too much for anyone to fix - it can't be. Maybe we contain it - hide it but it seeps out. It permeates and infects other people - surroundings - everything. The foundation is built on sin and we are sinners of the worst kind. There is no mercy fore people like me. None

diary of a madman. I think I've officially lost my shit for the time being. I stopped sharing this stuff because it seemed right but then I hold it in. That doesn't help at all. Tired tired tired but can't sleep. There's thing that will eat me if I close my eyes. Everywhere and nowhere - so alive and yet nonexistent a ghost. Focus on breathing calm it down slow the pounding heart still the thoughts - maybe this is insanity maybe Thought maybe sharing would help can't stay present hafta maybe repy later sorry sorry sorry

vibrate

Today was a bad day. Got triggered yesterday and I tried to hold it off. Didn't talk about it though and it worked on me burrowed in deeper and deeper and all I felt was shame. Shame for every thing that is me and like an idiot I also read something someone wrote to me about me as they see me. There's still something weighing on me and Idk what to do about it. Add allmost no sleep for the past two days and nightmares on top - because I had one last night too. They happen about an hour after we go to sleep. It was a very slow ticking time bomb. Not sleeping upstairs tonight lol. We'll stay in the living room like we were for a while. I was tempted to have a few drinks but didn't. I'm sore - just been so tense the past days. I'll do some PMR and hope it helps. Fingers crossed

I'm ashamed - of who I am. It's heavy and makes me feel sick. It crept in. And it won't go away. The anxiety is over whelming and I know what I need to do and I am afraid. I'm afraid and want to just disapp*ar 😞 and this is what I get. I bring it on myself. I was just - I just wanted to help

I understand - I understand the distrust the hate and its not me - I'm not like that. I couldn't not ever. I'm not some sick f*ck that would do something likw that. Understand? Not ever

It's too earlier to feel like this. Maybe it's too late Idk - the sun never really set on this - these feelings. The shame is like a hydra. Cut off its head and another grows back in its place. She allways made me ashamed of who I am. You're no good. You're just like him. The words of the past meet the words of the present and the collision of the two cause such an explosion of hatred and I hate myself - who I am - it knocks me on my ass and I'm reeling. The only saving grace this morning is that it snowed last night and we have to work on certain spot on the lane to make it safer to slide down

Tried to write a few times today. Anxiety said no. Paranoia said silent eyes are watching. Alot of dissociation. Noticed there seems to be a cycle to things - nightmares for a while seem to mean I get a new memory. A new abuse to try and understand and wrap my mind around

Trying to stop the over thinking things but then I over think the over thinking

Some nights we sleep better - some nights there is no sleep. Some nights I watch myself die a dozen times and most times it doesn't bother me anymore. Maybe a slight cringe but it's gotten to where it's alittle like watching a bad movie

Breathing gives away the anxiety and I try to be mindful of it but sometimes it gets away from me

Not much sleep last not - fitful dozing was more like it - too many thoughts inside a busy head. I'm painfully aware that I haven't handled some thing well but I am trying to learning and I am trying to do better - regardless of whether people can see it or not. A wise person reminded me early this morning that we all handle things differently from one another - we all deal with things differently - it doesn't make it right or wrong - just different

We're all dealing with the things that come at us with different tools and coping skills - we may sometimes lose our shit over what someone else might think is a small thing or maybe we pulled ourselves together when other's might have fallen apart - who are we to judge how someone handles what they're dealing with

To quote this person lol *sorry - you know who you are lol ;)* - I'm afraid dealing with serious trauma like that is a life long process with relapses and both good and super bad days, the bad days keep coming back... but that's how this stupid game works. It's a life long battle. -

Some have just started these battles - some have been fighting these battles for a long time. They're our battles and unless you're actually inside someone's head - you have no idea what they're thinking or feeling - what demons they're fighting

Idk - part of my head want to tell me now that this is all bullshit