Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

Things are slowly making sense. The pieces falling together - slowly. Contact and interaction between us and outside people has been so limited - we're really stunted here. We've been learning about many of the phrases thrown around here. Projection - deflection and baiting. We understand better what invalidation is and what it isn't. We're working on watching our reactions. Which isn't easy because some of us have stronger reactions than some of the others do

We see examples of loyalty in someone we know. We find it amazing tbh. The things that they deal with from someone they care about. Sometimes its confusing because the concept is alittle foreign - the depth of their loyalty

We've found a few people here that genuinely understand the turmoil we have here. Its helpful because we don't feel like we're the only ones with these problems

Anger is a problem sometimes because one of us has things to say but he's been asked not too - its not worth it. He seems to allways be on guard. He says he understands but doesn't like it and we try to find ways to work out the anger. Chopping wood - running - keeping busy. Doc Z tries to talk with him but he has no patience for therapy most of the time

We've replaced some equipment and repaired others and are slowly getting ready for snow - yuck

The horse has been a nice addition and we've started taking short rides. It was triggering at first because there are many bad memories around horses but we've also discovered some good ones and found it to be relaxing and rewarding. They're really in tune with people and he helps remind us to slow down and be calm

Some days are good and some days are bad but we're learning to sit with the emotions better - to recognize them and acknowledge that they're there. On the days when they're too much - we have someone we can talk to about it - sometimes the same things over and over - but they're patient - open minded and understand the concept of so many different feeling from different places from everyone

Doc Z says it's progress and to be proud of these steps - to acknowledge how hard we're all trying - even on the days when it feels like we're getting no where

For now its enough

@mytwistedsoul You are right J. It's not worth it. I started to but I took a pause and decided it's not worth it. You should be proud! It wasn't easy for me to do. People will think what they want to think. They will assume what they want to assume. That's on them. It doesn't mean that they're right and they don't need an explanation.

K

I'm extremely grateful to someone - the person who helped me get these threads restored. Thank you! Words alone don't seem like enough - but I am eternally grateful

*sigh* Where to start? I had everything deleted for awhile - this is the second time this happened. I let someone's opinion help me decide that I was a shitty person. I made myself as small as possible and I was slowly disappearing inside myself. I silenced myself. I'm hoping with having these restored - I can find the part of me I lost. I've realized that people don't have to agree or approve of what I'm saying - they don't have to agree with the thoughts and feelings I have - but that doesn't mean that those thoughts and feelings are wrong. I think too many people don't know how to look at things from someone else's perspective - we all see things differently - we all feel things differently. Being a multiple - there are often so many things seen in so many ways - with so many feelings. From who cares to wow that hurts and as hard as some of us try to keep our feelings to ourselves - sometimes things bleed through. There are things that we're still trying to learn how to control and at times things are really unstable. There is a constant feeling of alertness because the littles were involved with the last hurt inflicted even if it was mainly aimed at me - should I deny that? No - I don't think so - it would be unfair to them. They've been hurt enough and so have I and the other's

So if you read this and have a problem with the things that are said - then leave - stop reading - stop visiting this thread - because no more abuse will be tolerated. If you can't be nice - then stay away. If you've nothing nice or positive to say - then don't say it. Some people have caused enough harm. Considerate it a warning - as scary as that sounds

Some days things are ok - some days dissociation is a b*tch and tbh - for alittle while not knowing what year it was was causing problems. Some mornings - I can't remember who I am - the face is unfamiliar in the mirror - other days I am painfully aware of who I am - what I am. And I get so angry at times - for the things that were done - the things that made me into who I am - who we are. I'm told it's healthy and it's ok to be angry - it's our way of saying we know what was done wasn't right - we know it wasn't right - we just have to use it constructively - use it to grow - which seems impossible some days because it feels so consuming - anger is a scary emotion for so many of us - not just here but for anyone who was abused. And it's ok - it's ok to be mad and be scared - don't let it freeze you - don't let it silence you. So write - write for yourself - write for others - write so it doesn't choke you. Let it out - other people will read - maybe like me you don't want comments - people will still read - you're being heard. It's important to be heard - to tell your story. Let those thoughts and emotions be written or they will smother you otherwise. Some people will understand - some people might not - and that's ok - you're here for you - if other's can learn something from what you're going through that's great - but ultimately you're here for you. For some of us - other then a therapist - this is what we have and I know I'm not alone with that - but we have each other - here and for some of us that means the world right now

Be gentle with yourselves and your thoughts

This constant sadness is is old. I'm not even sure what it's from and why it's there. But ti's too the point where I'm wondering if it was allways there - I'm not even sure how to explain it tbh. There are times when there's fun and I enjoy things but there's allways this underlying sadness and Idk how to shake it

Having some trouble recognizing my hands - because they don't look like mine. Trouble with trust - for myself and other people - trouble with trusting words - constant worry about being a pest - of hurting people - or being hurt. I think I mean well but what if I really don't? What if I'm so full of shit I've got myself fooled?

Time passes each day and alot of days Idk where it went. Like - I know but yet I don't know - it makes sense and yet it doesn't. How do you get the two together - find some middle ground so there's some understanding? How do I get some self confidence back - some faith in myself? How do I stop feeling like I'm wasting space and everyone's time? How do I make sense of all this nonsense?

Its like you're driving along - the sun is shining - its a beautiful day - you're enjoying the ride and you just decide to drive into wall - why? *shrug* I dunno

Wtf? There has to be some way to get all this shit together

They say if you get up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before - that's bravery

But - doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is insanity

So wtf am I?

@mytwistedsoul incredibly stupid 😐

New Year soon to begin. Mixed emotions. Alot of thoughts. Few words to express any of it. I guess - I don't want to get too hopeful - thinking oh it'll be so much better next year. The state the world's in right now - doesn't give much in the way of confidence

My father sent a christmas card this year and a check. He texted too - lol. We thanked him for the card and told him where to stick his money. It feels like being bought off. Hush money - blood money. Idk - he got pissed I guess and the world disappeared for a few days. Idk what happened to the check

Weather has been crazy this year. Warmer than normal and not much snow. But a change is coming soon and it'll be colder

Think we're catching a cold or the rona one of the million different BS variants. Taking vitamins and eating clementines lol

Haven't been drinking - other then normal stuff. Kind of proud of that. Harming is still an issue and the usual - influence - intrusive thoughts. Panic attacks are better - finding things that helps sometimes when the anxiety redlines

Idk - guess that's it. New Year - new day of a new month - let's make a dent in the universe ;)

I wish - I wish I knew what is right and what is wrong. Morally I do -at least I think I do - socially I don't. It's been even more confusing lately - because the doubts I have about myself out weigh any positivity I have for me as a person. The depression eases for alittle and then returns and I feel like a loser because of it. I'm allways depressed anymore - someone commented on that a few months ago and now it's a thought that just circles around in my brain and I think - oh look what a loser you are for being depressed again and I know it's not right and I know it's not fair to me because I don't think that about other people and their depression because it's not like anyone chooses to feel like this

I'm trying to let go of a few things that I know are no longer beneficial to me in anyway - but it's really hard tbh because it has a ring of truth to it - well not really - it reeks of the past but they align with the past so - Idk how else to explain it. I guess just because I heard it before - that doesn't make it true? Kind of a consider the source maybe?

I commented to someone a few days ago about how childhood trauma is the gift that keeps on giving and my god - it's so true. You peel back one layer and there's more - another layer and more. It's just a never ending pile of layered BS and it's like someone just left it on my lap and I've recoiled in disgust and have no idea what to do with it - ewww - seriously? They say ignorance is bliss and omg - that's true too - I think I was alot more content before I knew the content of everything does that make sense? Idk - I'm all over the place today *smh* Idk - alot of type and delete lol

Had a nightmare last night - sort of - kind of. A faceless person over the left side of the bed. I say faceless but a part of me says it was an alien but I call bullshit because this isn't X-Files and the dog was right there too. But apparently aliens are magic and knocked the dog out but she jumped up as soon as I did - so Idk. One of the younger ones keeps talking about shadow figures in the bedroom and he allways starts out saying - I probably shouldn't tell you this - but

So nightmare or aliens? Lol

This sucks. I suck. Last night sucked. Was afraid to sleep. Shame creeped in at some point yesterday evening. Read a few things to feed it and the hate. Had no place to turn these things - so turned it on myself - again. To know me is to hate me. You should. Everyone else that knows me does. She told me so. On some level she's allways right - she knows - she's allways known. Its why we should be alone. It's why we are. Bad people don't deserve good people - good things. Family knew - it why they did the things they did. And do they knew the whole time. They tried to fix it but its too much for anyone to fix - it can't be. Maybe we contain it - hide it but it seeps out. It permeates and infects other people - surroundings - everything. The foundation is built on sin and we are sinners of the worst kind. There is no mercy fore people like me. None

diary of a madman. I think I've officially lost my shit for the time being. I stopped sharing this stuff because it seemed right but then I hold it in. That doesn't help at all. Tired tired tired but can't sleep. There's thing that will eat me if I close my eyes. Everywhere and nowhere - so alive and yet nonexistent a ghost. Focus on breathing calm it down slow the pounding heart still the thoughts - maybe this is insanity maybe Thought maybe sharing would help can't stay present hafta maybe repy later sorry sorry sorry

vibrate

Today was a bad day. Got triggered yesterday and I tried to hold it off. Didn't talk about it though and it worked on me burrowed in deeper and deeper and all I felt was shame. Shame for every thing that is me and like an idiot I also read something someone wrote to me about me as they see me. There's still something weighing on me and Idk what to do about it. Add allmost no sleep for the past two days and nightmares on top - because I had one last night too. They happen about an hour after we go to sleep. It was a very slow ticking time bomb. Not sleeping upstairs tonight lol. We'll stay in the living room like we were for a while. I was tempted to have a few drinks but didn't. I'm sore - just been so tense the past days. I'll do some PMR and hope it helps. Fingers crossed

I'm ashamed - of who I am. It's heavy and makes me feel sick. It crept in. And it won't go away. The anxiety is over whelming and I know what I need to do and I am afraid. I'm afraid and want to just disapp*ar 😞 and this is what I get. I bring it on myself. I was just - I just wanted to help

I understand - I understand the distrust the hate and its not me - I'm not like that. I couldn't not ever. I'm not some sick f*ck that would do something likw that. Understand? Not ever

@mytwistedsoul I hate this censor 😞

@mytwistedsoul I f*ck every thing up - you should know - I do

It's too earlier to feel like this. Maybe it's too late Idk - the sun never really set on this - these feelings. The shame is like a hydra. Cut off its head and another grows back in its place. She allways made me ashamed of who I am. You're no good. You're just like him. The words of the past meet the words of the present and the collision of the two cause such an explosion of hatred and I hate myself - who I am - it knocks me on my ass and I'm reeling. The only saving grace this morning is that it snowed last night and we have to work on certain spot on the lane to make it safer to slide down

Tried to write a few times today. Anxiety said no. Paranoia said silent eyes are watching. Alot of dissociation. Noticed there seems to be a cycle to things - nightmares for a while seem to mean I get a new memory. A new abuse to try and understand and wrap my mind around

Trying to stop the over thinking things but then I over think the over thinking

Some nights we sleep better - some nights there is no sleep. Some nights I watch myself die a dozen times and most times it doesn't bother me anymore. Maybe a slight cringe but it's gotten to where it's alittle like watching a bad movie

Breathing gives away the anxiety and I try to be mindful of it but sometimes it gets away from me

Not much sleep last not - fitful dozing was more like it - too many thoughts inside a busy head. I'm painfully aware that I haven't handled some thing well but I am trying to learning and I am trying to do better - regardless of whether people can see it or not. A wise person reminded me early this morning that we all handle things differently from one another - we all deal with things differently - it doesn't make it right or wrong - just different

We're all dealing with the things that come at us with different tools and coping skills - we may sometimes lose our shit over what someone else might think is a small thing or maybe we pulled ourselves together when other's might have fallen apart - who are we to judge how someone handles what they're dealing with

To quote this person lol *sorry - you know who you are lol ;)* - I'm afraid dealing with serious trauma like that is a life long process with relapses and both good and super bad days, the bad days keep coming back... but that's how this stupid game works. It's a life long battle. -

Some have just started these battles - some have been fighting these battles for a long time. They're our battles and unless you're actually inside someone's head - you have no idea what they're thinking or feeling - what demons they're fighting

Idk - part of my head want to tell me now that this is all bullshit

Too many things - too many feelings - too much conflicting. Amusement - anger and anxiety and as stupid as it sounds - teeth do not feel like mine. Trying to be cautious with words and thoughts. Paying attention to breathing and trying to keep it all under control - I'm fooling myself. I'm only half in control because he lets me. But he watches everything now it seems - and he knows - he knows. It's foolish to think he doesn't

Been trying to work on some of this shame - the shame of being a boy. We talked about parents - was there SA in her past - Idk - did he ever r*pe her - Idk. It explains some of it I guess - but it's not like she was ever open to ask questions. This shame has been there for so long - it got triggered really bad in a SA chat last week. Thought it was all ok until it wasn't - and there she was - telling me this is what men do to women J - this is the disgusting thing - they take and take - but she took too - she took from me - she took everything and it's difficult to see her as a victim - and a part of me feels sorry for her - grieves for what might have been taken from her too. She took - after he left - we became the one - he did anyway Beau - and it's sick - she's sick - I'm sick I don't like this

not just boys do bad things

I'm - fuzzy - foggy - my top doesn't want to connect to the rest. It's like the morning after an all night bender. Noticed earlier that there's some slight swaying or rocking going on physically - something - feelings of seriousness but still amused - so - I'm like seriously amused lol - Idk - having trouble remembering things I just did until I go to do it and then see oh - it's done and thoughts - jesus I can't keep them straight today or they just poof - and erased. I think Doc Z must have said my name a million times today to get me to focus - he said he was admitted he wasn't too sure about letting us leave because things were so - wonky - he helped us get grounded or tried - we can be really good at faking the whole get it together. After taking a few minutes to rediscover the art of starting a vehicle - we went to the store - kept it together with bribes lol *smh*

It's like someone shook my snow globe and I just watch the glitter pieces fall and think - ohhh pretty

Had alittle bit of a melt down yesterday - previous post sort of shows how it started. It's hard to wrap your mind around things - the possibilities - the enormity of situations - wondering what I missed - having questions I should have asked years earlier but are unable to be asked safely now - I have admit - we really miss the grandparents lately :(

Trying to follow a suggestion about no coffee before food - coffee being the reward for eating - so far that hasn't been going too good

For everything you understand - there are a thousand things you don't. For everything you think you know - you don't know shit

There's a winter storm watch in effect - we could get over a foot with this one - winter has finally arrived - Kind of looking forward to it tbh - tomorrow should be busy - a load of hay coming tomorrow and then moving some down to the feed room next to Dan the Man. Plants to take care of in the greenhouse - wood to chop and stack but busy is good - Busy works for me - even if I'm not completely present - just have to be careful

For as much of an asshole as I'm pegged to be - I'm not as big of an asshole as you think I am. You think I talked to your friends? I didn't. Go a head and ask them. The fact that you would think I'd do that - yeah - I spoke here and there - that I am guilty of. I didn't pull anyone to the side and talk to them privately. I wouldn't put anyone in that position

Just thought you should know. I'm guilty of something I didn't even do

Idk - just wanted you to know that

Anger has been a problem today. Practically panting from it. Shaking from it. We need to calm this down. Breathing exercises don't work if you're not the one pissed - Idk what to do. I know why he's pissed but we need to let it go. As long as we know what's true that's what matters right? We don't need anymore bullshit but it feels like this head wants to explode

Went for a run in the snow under a day late full moon. The anger has eased some. It's smoldering - waiting for something to breath life into the flames

Thoughts now are on dirty clothes and the things we did to try and clean them when we were on the streets and before then. How they never seemed to fit - she hated having to buy new clothes for anyone but herself. Guess maybe that's why we do wash all the time here now and buy socks all the time. The fear of ruining new clothes and the fact that we wear things until they're unsalvageable and even then they get hung in the closet afraid to throw them away. Something is better than nothing. New clothes hang in there too but those are considered good clothes and not worn except for appointments - kind of backwards I guess

Thoughts too - of someone else's post about the angry voice - the relentless pushing to punish. The constant screaming to do it that never stops. The damage we do trying to silence it but it never lasts. Maybe we buy a few hours or a few days if we're lucky. I know that voice well. I know how they wear you down to the point you have no fight left but God - you're so grateful for that little bit of time that they stfu. But you know in your heart you're on borrowed time and it'll start again

Had a click ding moment on friday - that moment where something clicks into place and ding the light bulb comes on. I was kind of excited at first the - but then Idk - maybe I over thought it and once again lost something in the translation and I realized that there was no right way and it wouldn't have mattered anyway and I'm not sure which is worse - does that make sense? Me either

You should be able to know your own mind - ya know? And I don't - Idk why all the thoughts are so different - Idk what to do when I feel every thing and nothing all at once. The anger and the gentleness - conflict so bad. How do you hate gently?

Found that if I make sure I'm really calm and grounded I can enjoy a shower - if not - the dissociation and panic hits and that lasts hours - some times days. Sometimes minutes feel like hours but turn into days and it gets so confusing because the time is just gone - it's past and I don't allways know who took it

I haven't felt the way I think I should feel as me but then some times it takes so long to remember who I am - time to feel how I think I should feel but then Idk if the way I am feeling is right

I find random cut and bruises. Thought thieves run rampant. I hear alot to back away - back away and nobody gets hurt but someone allways gets hurt don't they? I will hurt someone else - I'll say or do something - right? There's anger with that thought and a quick moment of clarity

None of this makes sense

My head is fucked up today. It's fucked up every day some days just worse then others. Idk what's right to feel - what shouldn't I feel and why can't I make any sense of any of it? I feel like beating my head against the wall it's so frustrating. Why can't I keep it straight? If my thinking is wrong what makes it wrong? If I'm not supposed to feel a certain way - why and how do I stop feeling that way if it's wrong? It's like everyone is entitled to feel how ever they feel until someone disagrees with it - then what - we just say ok and stop thinking and feeling that way? I see mistakes I've made - I can't erase them - I can learn from them but it seems I can't even do that right either because it all gets so screwed up in this stupid head! I should have been a muppet

@mytwistedsoul And then it calms down and now - I don't even know why I was thinking that way earlier. WTF? I mean - I can't even grasp WHAT I was thinking. How do I make this stop? Why does this keep happening?

That's a lie. I feel sorry for you - because you're blind to your own behavior. I feel sorry for you because you have a double standard

We let things slide and I think that's where the problem started. We let things slide to keep the peace. But keeping the outside peaceful only caused inner chaos. We let things slide because I think on the surface we understand what happens other wise

It's been a constant struggle to keep silent about some things - silent because to say them out loud draws more criticism - more fuel for the self doubts. Silent because despite what some think - we don't want to hurt anyone. But while silence helps keep external peace - it leaves others unaware of their behavior. It leaves them blind. But there's retribution and then there's self defense - people should be allowed to defend themselves - Yeah? But I haven't - I keep taking it and adding it to the evidence that's all ready there. I don't because I think the truth would hurt - it wouldn't hurt me outright - it would hurt other people - my hurt would just be a consequence of hurting others. I don't because there would be excuses and defensiveness. Does that make sense?

You can have the guilt back - I can't feel guilty anymore for things I didn't do - you want to add words or rearrange things to make yourself feel better that's ok - IDC any more. You want to point fingers and make accusations you have no proof for - that's ok too - none of this is new ya know? The more shit you say - the more truth of yourself you show - the more the mask slips and that's where the problem lies isn't it?

Certain patterns noticed but dismissed or ignored - maybe because of lack of knowledge - maybe because of reasons made above - maybe because - Idk There's alot we're still trying to figure out

I think we've been so shutdown recently that there are no words that work - there's so many things kept inside at this point - the walls to thick - it's allmost impossible to open up right now. Maybe it's just resignation - it is what it is

I just can't make sense of some of the things in my head right now - the thoughts - the serious thoughts are there and gone all in the same breath - they swirl around and I can grasp them but they're like smoke and they disappear just as quick. If I try to force myself to remember the thoughts - I get a headache - like a screaming headache. I can focus on other people - my mind clears for that but when it comes to talking about things in my head - I just can't seem to break through the barrier. The message board is erased. Maybe I'm trying to erase myself

No mercy for anyone who challenges your - beliefs? Mindset? How many times did we see it in action?

For whatever reason

@mytwistedsoul Now come to me about being depressed and grieving

They say the truth will set you free and in a way for somethings it has. Since the guilt was dropped - the anger has diminished and isn't as consuming

We've been joining in on the chats they have for DID here. Went to one yesterday - allmost didn't lol - there was a debate. Finally decided to join and I'm glad we did. It wasn't as busy as usual so it didn't feel as overwhelming. When there's alot of people it can be hard to keep up. So it was nice that it was quieter. We talked about thought thieves and it was awesome to be able to talk to people who deal with it too. People who understood and offered honest suggestions

We talked about how some can get - Idk how to put it - *thought thieving lol* hope HOPE and how the RQ is triggered by it I guess - anything that offers hope. They have the same or similar issues with it - it was just so - LOL now I can't find the word for what it was but it was awesome lol. I mean - I hate that other people deal with this stuff too but it's helpful to know it isn't just me that has problems with these things

I still lose alot of time and some mornings I wake up so dissociated it take hours to get things straight. I'm learning that things aren't really as manageable as I thought they would be and for right now you just gotta go with the flow - so this is me I guess - just going with the flow

Snap! Lol - guess I was done writing that 😁 *smh*

Woke up this morning and my wrists hurt - a burning feeling down inside - memories of how she would grab them and grind the bones together - just to hurt. Memories of them bound. The bruises it would leave - the raw skin. My first thought was it's ok - they're not mine. They didn't look like mine - they still don't and I struggle to make them work right And suspicion is - pinged and it needs to shut up

Come tear apart my skull

You keep the pieces of my bones

Come to the place where the weary ones are laid

it's yuck muck out side no ride to town doc on the screen and no lollys SIGH so sad

I caught the thoughts creeping in yesterday - the thoughts about *things* and tbh - I thought it was done. I thought we had thought all the thoughts we need to think about when it comes to thinking about it. With the thoughts come sadness and with the sadness comes the anger and we ride the anger until we're exhausted and it slides back to sadness. I think it has something to do with unfairness - but Idk

Trying to decide about processing things and what it really means - I guess I thought if it was processed it didn't come back up in the form of thoughts and feelings but then I realized that processing things is a process and it doesn't just really go away. It becomes manageable better coped with but the freaking insecurities pop up - and the words. The words never go away - no matter how many times we white wash it - no matter how many ways we look at it. What if we're not actually processing things but just shoving it deeper into a box and further back in our minds?

I think as abused people we suffer from stockholm syndrome or something similar to it. So much of our younger lives were so dependent on their thoughts and their feelings. How our lives depended on how other's felt - their bad day spelled out worse for us - how we tried to stay one step ahead - how deep down maybe we knew what was going on was wrong but we worried about them - we worried about their feelings - we tried to do what was best for them. I know we spent alot of time worrying about their reactions. We think of all the times she said - it hurt her more than it hurt us. Did it? In her demented mind - did it?

I want out. Out of this head. Out of this body. Out of this skin. Out of this fucking poor excuse of a life. If I'm honest its not me. I think - Idk. Maybe this is. Got overwhelmed with too many emotions. A flood. A deluge. Anger and a desire to trash everything - break it smash it burn it. Childish anger - acting out. I feel half sick. Went out today got some whiskey but didn't drink it. Don't really recall going out though. Its still sealed - yay me. Wanted to cry a few times - came close - shut it down. I'm tired. I'm - Idk - everything and nothing and alittle in between. Thinking about - things I try not to talk about. That's helpful right? I shut it down shove it in a box - shame I can't crawl in that box too. Let someone else deal with this shit. There's never enough time. Not for what everyone wants - I need a walk or something before I peel my skin off or beat my head against the wall

Let's see if we triggered the censors 😐

Growing up we had things we didn't need. Things we didn't really want. Horses. There is trauma surrounding horse related objects. Danny caused many flashbacks at first. But then we realized it wasn't him. It was never horses. They were the back ground. It was the whips and crops that go with them. But we don't own any of those and have no need or desire. The things we wanted were taken away. Cats and dogs. The things we needed were never given. Love. Belonging. Happiness. Safety. The toys given at christmas weren't allowed to be played with. They were props in pictures sent to relatives to show off. They disappeared afterwards. We ate at supper. Supper had to be ready and on the table when he got home. It didn't matter what was cooked it had to be eaten. If it wasn't eaten by a certain time it would be taken away. There would be punishment and the meal would be on the table for breakfast. As a result there are many foods that will cause serious reactions. The were no snacks. There was very little sneaking of food because she kept track and even kept some things hidden in their bedroom. We were NOT allowed in the bedroom alone. I don't think that room was ever seen in the day time. At night we had to go in and say good night to him. He would listen to baseball games on the radio. This is also something that causes flashbacks. The sound of a game. He wasn't bad all the time. There were a few incidents that surely would have resulted in death had it not been for outsiders jumping into help. The pond and an incident in the winter time being left alone in the snow miles from home. His was more subtle. Silence. Indifference. A nonentity. We simply didn't exist in his world. Until she made him aware. He left. Left alone with her.

But her. Her contempt was on her face constantly. Sneering. A child's image of a monster. How she would tower over. Hands clenched. Teeth flashing. Spit at her mouth. Her eyes so cold but so hot at the same time. Longs nails as claws. Hands so quick to strike. Angry so ANGRY all the time. The things she would say. If I wouldn't have had you... If it weren't for you. Do you want a reason to cry? I think the silence may have been worse. The quiet way she would say things. The rage you could feel coming off her in waves. Come here she would say. So quiet like a whisper. Come here now. The fear.

Attempts were made to tell. The last time was at 14. 3 months before the 15th birthday. They called her in. Surely someone must have suspected. The bruises. The cuts. The blood but they sided with her. She had spun such a web by that time there was no getting away from the labels of clumsy defiant troubled child. In trouble at home constantly. Doing things we were told not to. Did you see that huge bruise? I said not to do it but he never listens. She would take care of it she'd say. She will see to it. And she did. And she would cry. I would watch her cry in silence. In disbelief. But uttered no sound. Made no arguments against her claims. Oh the tears would fall like rain. This poor poor woman with this horrible child. Oh the things she had sacrificed trying to do right by us. He's the reason his father left I'm sure of it. He just couldn't handle it any more. Maybe what he needs Ms. is a good ass whooping. The take them behind the wood shed kind. Her feigned horror at the thought. I could never! The ride home. The fear. The dread. The resignation. The silent prayers to a god who never answered. We did not return to that school.

There isn't much recollection of that night. From anyone. Flashes. Images. Sounds. Pain. The hospital. For weeks after we spoke to no-one. Simple nods. Yes or no. We needed to leave. We needed to go some where or she would end up killing us all and blaming it on some unruly horse. Or a fall. On being some where we shouldn't be or doing some thing we shouldn't. It was only a matter of time. We were older. Bigger. Stronger. I think she knew. But she had made us so complacent. So docile. So fearful. Of her. The things she would do.

We spent time in the woods. Made our way across to the east coast. Grandparents lived there some where. We never gave it a thought that it wouldn't be easy to find them. Ended up in North Carolina for some time. Worked on a dairy farm. Milked cows. A few hours a day and all day Sundays. Some money and a small room to stay in and meals. It was quiet and peaceful work. We saved all we could. For 2 months and then we left. Went farther up north. Ended up in Philadelphia. Despite it's nickname it is not the city of brotherly love. We stayed on the streets. Met a girl a few years older than us. She helped show us the ropes. She talked. We listened. We never spoke to her much. She gave us a necklace at one time. I believe it was stolen. Her name was Teah.