Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*
I created this space for me to be able to write - whatever is on my mind that I may not want replies too. It isn't that I don't appreciate the replies - it's that alot of times I am really uncomfortable with the support. Sometimes it's the well meaning words get twisted around in my head - sometimes it the well meaning suggestions that are turned around and taking the wrong way. Sometimes - it's fear - rejection - judgement - fear of offending someone with what I say. Even now - the creation of this is - causing some anxiety - and I feel the edge of a panic attack - so let's take a pause and a few deep breaths
I often don't feel as though I deserve support. I waste peoples time and feel like an inconvenience. With that in mind - I've been slowly going quiet
The TW is because - well - lets be honest - if I'm going to put some of whats in my head and and I don't want replies - you dear gentle reader should be warned at least. Because there are times my head is a scary place -
I'll say I'm sorry in advance because sometimes I do swear - I try not to and I try to remember replace some letters - but well sometimes I dont care and sometimes I forget. Idk - I suppose I should say sorry for my sense of humor in advance too - because sometimes it's alittle dark or alittle inappropriate
So - let's post and panic over this now shall we?
I'd like to say I'm sorry - it really doesn't matter anymore I guess but I am. I should have done better. Kept better control - locked it down in another box and shoved it in a corner to gather dust and cobwebs. Out of sight - out of mind. A part of me completely disagrees but I don't want his opinion. I tried - at least I think I did but I guess with the outcome I didn't try hard enough. Nothing I do is right. If you speak - you shouldn't. If you don't speak - you should. How do you know when the right time is? Idk - Idfk anything. I thought maybe I did but turns out I was wrong. I pay for my sins - I pay for everything. Our whole lives we've been abused every member of our family - every day - every hour spent in trying to stay out of sight - out of mind - trying to stay one step ahead because one thing - one tiny thing could set off - her. You didn't even have to be the one to do it. If he pissed her off - she took it out on you. If you followed the rules - she would change them just to trip you up. Just so she could beat the f**k out of you. You kept your mouth shut then - why not keep your mouth shut now? Speak only when spoken to
I've tried to do good things - what I thought were good things. But Idk - were there good intentions behind them - I'd like to think so - but Idk. I don't like who I am - I don't like all the parts that I'm made up of. I was getting there - at least that I could tolerate it but - Idk - I think that ship has sailed. I know what it's like to be alone - I think that was some of it - not wanting other people to feel that way but in the end - I just alienated myself more. Slowly - surely. I can't help but think that they were right and I'm not safe for people. I'm not even safe for myself most of the time. Idk - not everything broken can be fixed - sometimes things are just too broken - I see that now. I wish - I wish I would have seen it sooner. It would have saved people alot of trouble - alot of pain. I don't know what to do. I don't know what's right or whats wrong. Because none of it seems right. We've cost so many people - a debt I'm not sure I can repay - nothing I can do to make it right. I wish we could go back in time - change things - maybe if things were done differently - the outcome would have been different - better
F**K - I am so sorry - to everyone. The time we wasted - the things we've said - the things we've done
Think we'll take a nice long walk in the woods - it's a nice day for it
I thought maybe I'd dump some thoughts here to ease some of the pressure in my head but it may bounce around. Tried to write a few times but ended up deleting it all everytime
Some days are better then other's - allthough - I must admit I don't remember a whole lot since I last wrote here. I think when it all gets to be too much - things just get shut down. No thoughts - no emotions - nothing. Someone broke through that with just alittle heart - Idk how to explain it - but it broke through the wall I was building. Thank you for that heart
I think sometimes isolating can be helpful if we don't let it get too far - sometimes it seems to help process things without having outside influence. We're still trying to process things from last year - deaths of two abusers - the death of Kodie and the mountain of past trauma. And then there's new things we need to process. I never realized that some things could take so long - I mean I know nothing is *poof* gone but somethings I guess - you touch slowly - carefully. Release alittle here - alittle there. Some things aren't as bad when it's in small doses - it helps you build up a tolerance I guess
There have been thoughts of past su*cide attempts - memories of them. Some that noone else knows about - bottles of pills taken - that Idk what they were or where they came from. Idk - what damage they may have caused in the long run. Drinking until you're sick and then drinking more. Begging and pleading for an end - that was never answered. Waking up in places you don't know - in a pool of your own vomit *hopefully anyway lol - allthough still gross*
Memories - of getting beat with a wooden spoon - things she would say - don't bleed on the floor - why do you make me do this? Memories of time spent homeless and living on the streets - a few things that happened during that time - things we haven't talked about yet - touch it slowly - carefully. Water and feeling the pull of it still
There's been alot of wood chopping. One axe is buried in a log that's become alittle like the sword in the stone lol. But its physical activity and we're exhausted at the end of the day. It's cathartic and lets us use any aggression in a contructive way
We're trying to be gentle - we're trying to find the way out of the darkness. Trying to reassure ourselves that it's ok to talk. That it's ok to interact with people - that it's ok to feel things even if it's hard to explain - it doesn't need to be justified to anyone - sometimes it just - is and it's ok. It's ok. It's ok to take it one second at a time - it's ok to not do anything except lay on the floor - it's ok if we can't sit still - it's ok to cry - it's ok to be angry - it's ok to be hurt and it's ok if noone understands the why's of it. It's ok to laugh and feel playful - its ok to be sad. It's ok to have a different point of view then other people might have - it's ok to have a difference of opinions. What ever it is - it's ok and it's ok if it's it's not. Like they say here - it's ok to not be ok and it can change in the blink of an eye and ya know what? That's ok too
Tbh - as I'm proofreading this *word insertion can be a real pita sometimes* The devil on one shoulder says delete this but the angel on the other one says - do it - it's not hurting anything - the angel wouldn't lead me wrong right? But then I remember the devil was supposed to have been an angel once too
Jacob Lee - Conscience
Jacob Lee - Zen
Jacob Lee - Guidance
We were innocent once weren't we? Before the levels of hell touched our souls. Before our skins were marred by the violent hands of others. Before their words burned into our brains. The wounds bleed into our dreams. Just enough sometimes to tease...taunt... terrify. Where was the love? The joy? What gods did we anger that our sins required a lifetime of living in our personal hells? Will this penance actually save anyone's soul? Or are we just fooling ourselves into thinking there's even anything left to save?
Knock knock Neo
There's stuff in the news - kind of triggering * gotta say I kind of don't like that word* and yet it gets watched anyway. Why do we do that? Tbh - Idk - just really shut off right now. Sluggy thoughts. Things got done - All ways have a list lol. But the day is just - bits and pieces. I need to find my way back - Idk how. Too much worrying. Some roladexing I think. It was cold today I do know that
I know I'm tired - sleep sounds good
It hits really f**king hard sometimes doesn't it? I'm told I'm allowed to feel how ever I feel but none of this feels right and Idk if that's even right. How does everything get so fucked up? Why's my head so fucked up with all this. Why does nothing make sense? Is it supposed to be this hard figuring out what you feel - what you're allowed to feel? I just want this done with - I'm tired of being fucked up
Mostly depressed - got a few words but they take alot of effort and they all sound wrong anyway
I think I understand my worth now
Horrible intrusive thoughts - pretty vivid when I close my eyes
One minute they're there the next they're gone. Erased as soon as they're written. I don't trust them. They sound good until they come out - it's after they're out that I realize they might be poison. Then it's too late
Time is so f**ked up right now. Chunks of it missing
Ordered a weighted blanket for the bed. Alittle nervous about it - worried it might feel like being held down. It was supposed to be in on Tuesday but it got delayed - maybe before the weekend
Dreamed about my father - I only remember alittle here and there. Sleeping in a car and him yelling. Tried to remember more but it made the anxiety shoot up - better to just be - nothing
Which way shall we go? To the left where nothing is right or to the right where nothing is left? Standing in the middle of the road is getting us no where and just clogging traffic
We keep busy - easy enough to do now that the weather is turning. There's allways plenty of work to do right now getting the garden and flower beds cleaned up. There's still a bunch of leaves to clean up from fall too but the tree's are starting to bud. Still haven't worked on anything in the shop - other then to put some wood in there for eventually. Idk - I have no motivation. Kind of like breathing takes enough energy - mostly just a deep depression - when I'm not anxious anyway
I come here off and on during the day and often leave without saying anything. Just old fears running rampant - worrying about hurting other people - bothering them or wasting anyone's time. Some days I feel so unbelieveably stupid that the words just don't make sense - nothing makes sense - words - thoughts- emotions - like I'm in a loaner with faulty everything and a shitty owners manual - probably in a different country driving on the wrong side of the road too
It has to get better sometime doesn't it?
I hate when I feel like this - chaotic
Idk how to explain it. Just too much of too much but not enough of anything
Too many thoughts - and no words to explain. Quick type but all the words erase. Just smile and nod. Chest feels tight. Like you're on the edge of a panic attack but can't fall over the edge. But yet not - idfk
Pull to the grey - quiet there - sorry
Was it allways like this? I don't remember. I should remember something like that shouldn't I?
Why am I ashamed of myself? Embarrassed of everything that is me? I see other posts by people with DID and they seem so comfortable and accepting of it. Why not me? So wtf is wrong with me? Is it something I'm not doing? Something I am? The shrink? He's better than the others were.
Why is it so hard to trust? Anyone or anything. Myself the thoughts the feelings? Its like everything is a cleverly disguised trap. Sit and puzzle it out. Second guessing every single thing. Feeling guilty everytime I say something or write something. I'm really tired. Of this shit. She - scares me lol. How fucking pathetic is that?
