Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

Got obsessed with finding things today. Spent hours looking through a thread. Sixty some pages. Made me anxious and gave me a headache. Found pieces here and there but idk how to. how do I get back to the me I was before? There's so much - anguish? So much loss. I don't like this new me. There's nothing to feel. With everything going on that's probably a good thing

There hasn't been any crying since well it's been a few years I think. Might get ready eyed but that's as far as it goes. Suck it up. Crying never helped anything anyway

Am I ever going to be that me again? Probably not. There's things that happened that changed alot of things. And done is done yeah? Break something too many times and it doesn't matter how good you are with glue. Eventually there will be little pieces missing no matter how hard you try to put it back together

Just going to stop by and sit with you for a little while. You’ve been in my thoughts recently ❤️

Three years ago on this day Kodie was diagnosed with cancer. Thanksgiving Day she was gone. Now it's getting close to Taz's time. And my father has cancer. It seems to be a demented race to see who dies first

Times like this make me think that God is exceptionally cruel. I understand that there's nothing to really help Taz. She's old. Her body and her mind are just slowly winding down. She gets more agitated some nights and seems more lost on those nights. It's heartbreaking. It's something you would think that people would have some foresight on this. I suppose we do but choose to deny or ignore all the signs. We try to prepare and resign ourselves the the grim reality that's on the horizon

Father is almost skeletal. He's been giving things away. Minimizing his space. Maybe it helps him make peace. Maybe he thinks his family will move forward easier if there's less there to remind them of him? I used to feel jealous because they got the better version of him but now I don't. Their version is just different

I don't want to do this. I don't want to deal with any of this. It feels like we're surrounded by death. Waiting in limbo for the next step. It's heavy and depressing

It's official. There's nothing more they can do. He had another scan last Monday. The scan before showed they weren't growing. That was a month ago? Now it's moved farther into his bones and in his liver. I'm not sure if I ever mentioned that it's a mix of small cell and non small cell cancer. The small cell stuff is the nastier sh*t because it's aggressive. Since his last scan it's just exploded. I have a copy of - idk what it's called tbh. The results I guess. A lot of big medical words but you don't need to be a rocket scientist to understand when it says it wasn't some place before and now it is. Or that it was this size and now it's bigger. At the rate everything is going and growing - he doesn't have long at all

Intrusive thoughts alot. Irritability and anger. I try hard to be patient but it takes so much energy to keep everything in check

At times I feel both frozen in place and time but restless. A constant whirlwind of - nothing

After this - there's no one. No one else in the family that might give two ***. God that sounds so pathetic and

I'm not sure why we as people bother with harming and doing stupid things. life bleeds us out slowly and methodically until we're nothing but husks.

Dread. That acidic feeling that sits in the pit of your stomach. It kicks up the scared little rabbit that resides in your chest. You can almost hear your heart break. That first rip that slowly tears it in twos and three's and finally shatters into more pieces than you can count

The stupid thoughts you get thinking you'd rather do this or that. Anything except what you truly have to do. It doesn't matter if you see it coming. It doesn't matter if you try to prepare for the inevitable. You can brace yourself all you want it's still going to knock you on your a*s

The time has come to say goodbye to our sweet girl. It's the right thing to do. She's not suffering but her quality of life sucks and it's not as if she's going to magically get younger. So we struggle with the reality of reality. And the reality is she's getting worse. It's getting harder to get her to eat and drink. She loses her balance so easy the past couple of days. She bumps into things more even though we're so careful that nothing changes in her space. I hate this. We all do

We postpone. We stall. We get through things one moment at a time. Taz is still in the world of the living. She's not worse but not better. I know - I know - I suck. A lot of disagreements. Fear. She's the end of a chapter. My father is another chapter's end. What then? 

The days pass in a blur. They all look the same at this point. Summer has passed and it's getting colder here. Not much got done this year. The garden was started but harder to maintain - it didn't do so good this year

Between the dog and the travel times to visit my father. There's not much time for anything except maintaining things the best we can. No wood stocked up. The shop looks like a junk yard. The field needs mowed. I'm a wonderful example of tried but failed. The schedule is so far out of whack it's not even funny. I'm trying to just roll with it - knowing it won't last forever but it feels like it will. It's hard. Life is hard. The seasonal depression adds to the rest of it. Nothing seems to help

My father is doing a small bucket list. And took a trip last weekend. Idk - I'm not - idk. It's all just so hard to grasp and there's still some denial. Acceptance is a b*tch

angry all the time 

Been typing and deleting  since yesterday. My father was having balance issues. He called on Tuesday and I noticed his speech was alittle slurred and some things were jumbled. I should have messaged his wife and told her about it. Guess I chalked it up to the cancer. She messaged me yesterday to say he was at the hospital. He had a stroke. A *** stroke. What do you even say to that? What can you say? I didn't go see him last weekend. I should have. I feel guilty that I didn't 

I'm running myself ragged trying to - idek what I'm trying to do. Stop the inevitable. Postpone the unstoppable. The hours all run into one never ending day. It's hard to leave the dog alone when she's awake. Yeah - still haven't made that call. Torn. Since it only feels safe to do things outside when she's asleep there's a lot of rushing and hurrying to get things done. That triggers panic attacks and then they need to be dealt with. Sleep for me is here and there when the dog sleeps. We can't keep doing this. It's not healthy and it's affecting everything 

Bad news just keeps coming. He had imaging done today. There's numerous tumors in his brain. They're not sure if one of the tumors caused the stroke or if they're just affecting his brain in a way that mimics a stroke. It's bad she says. Really bad. They might try some radiation tomorrow but idk - 

@mytwistedsoul

😟

This wasn't how this was supposed to be. It wasn't. There was supposed to be more time 

Saw my father this past weekend. He has maybe a month. This isn't going well. There's so many mixed emotions and on some levels such a deep deep sadness. It feels wrong sometimes. Everything I feel feels wrong lately. I spend more time inside 

His face wasn't the face remembered from the past when we met a few years ago. The face now is thin. The eyes of the past were hard and mean. They had mellowed and were softer and now they're sad. He walks with a cane because he has balance issues now

They wanted to do 9 more rounds of radiation. It would only buy a few extra weeks if the radiation didn't kill him first. It's whole head radiation. The side effects are horrible. He won't be here for his next birthday. I had made plans for then. Had wanted to see him that day. He won't be here for Christmas. 

He has trouble talking. His speech slurred. It wasn't a stroke. It's the cancer

A few days ago it was nice out. The one evening balmy. The crickets sang and i sat on the walkway and watched the clouds move across the moon. It was beautiful. I thought about god. Thought about talking with god. But didn't. What's to say? It doesn't change anything

So I get quiet. Keep to myself. Isolate. It feels safe to be alone.  It's not personal. Sometimes all these words are there but they just won't come out. Some days there's no energy. Being numb is nice but there's side effects. I'm sorry

I don't like being in the house. It's claustrophobic. I'd like to sleep but there's the dog. The dog..... 

So... a month. 30 days

I've been wanting to write but time seems to have a mind of it's own and there usually a lot of rushing around trying to get things done. Being able to sit and just relax is a luxury

There seems to be a lot of traveling. Four days spent trying to catch up only to travel to see my father and lose any ground that was made

I'm exhausted. New issues have started to pop up because of all the stress. Little things I don't remember being an issue. Headaches are a problem

My father has decided to do the whole head radiation and last weekend was able to walk without a cane or walker. His balance was better. His speech is still really slurred and hard to understand. He says food has no taste. A soda tastes like nothing but a mouthful of bubbles. They once again buy him more time. Idk. There's a lot of mixed feelings about all this. I guess - we all know the final outcome but everything is prolonged. There's a part of me that's *** about this. Does it make you a bad person to just want things to be done and over with? 

I pay people to stay with the dog during the time we're gone. Its too much for one so there's sitters that stay with her in shifts. This doesn't sit well but there aren't any other options. She's gotten to be too much for an elderly neighbor to care for and she can't be left alone

This might be long.       TW

She crossed the bridge at 3:51 Saturday afternoon. There was no sounding trumpets - no fanfare. And she will only be missed by us here. She was my friend and my family. She was in our lives longer than any person ever was. She was here when noone else was. She was comfort and safety. Companionship. She was love. Unconditional love. We received her ashes today. 

The house is quiet and yet it's not. I'm pretty sure the sounds are just echos in my head. Her snuffles and ticker tack toe nails on the floor. Stopping whatever is being done to check on her. Moments of panic when outside too long. Rushing back to check and she's not here. For three years the world - our world revolved around her. As time passed - days - months - years - it became all about her. Now she's gone

Saw my father the next day. Yesterday morning received a call that he can't speak and is agitated but unwilling to go to the hospital. A few hours later 911 was called because he was worse and was delirious as well. Now he's sedated and on hospice. He has days but could go at any time. We'll be meeting with his wife there tomorrow. There's a sense of moral obligation? If we don't go there's every chance it could be thrown back in our face that we didn't go. Or regrets that we didn't go. This way we can say we saw him one last time even if it is beyond triggering. 

His wife reminds me that it's ok to be sad and grieve. It's ok to cry. I nod and tell her I know. It's all valid. Every single *** emotion is valid. I don't know what the *** to do with them. All at once or not at all but they're valid. Hallelujah 

My father died today

It's surprising at how much needs to be done when death is involved. So many calls here and there. I don't remember too much about when my grandparents died. Just bits and pieces here and there. Lawyers handled most of it. The wills were much more detailed. His not so much. He wanted to be cremated and his ashes scattered. No service or memorial. Said he didn't want people standing around saying how he was such a good guy

In the time we've spent with his family - I've discovered so many lies he's told me about them. I can't help but wonder why he said the things he did. Of course we don't say anything to them. Because all it would do it hurt them. I wonder what lies he's said about me. Any questions they ask are answered carefully. They have good memories of him - why should I ruin that? 

Then there's christmas and all that it brings with it. The memories - the flashbacks. Childhood trauma - the gift that keeps on giving

and I type and delete

the world goes on. you can feel it spinning all around you. but you're frozen in place. Am I grieving? Idk. Are you? Maybe? Maybe when every thing settle reality will set it. Idk. Reality seems suspicious doesn't it? What is really real? Cause what's real to you might not be real to me. Is it at stalemate then? 

Wish we wouldn't have seen him in those final moments. Can't get the images out of my head. I'm trying to get my *** together but all my *** keeps dying and bad things come in groups of three

activated

as a person you suck. that's why there were no heart to heart last days talks. you wasn't good enough for those. I've always known this.  it's just clearer to you now innit? he was smart to walk away all those years ago.

let that sink in J. sit with it J. you know it's true J.

tsk tsk uh uh uh no comments 

Today marks five years that I've been coming here. There's been growth in some areas. I never imagined I'd end up hosting a chat each week. I don't think I'm any good at it but nobody has fired me - yet 

Can't shake this depression. It runs pretty deep. Pretty good at masking it though. It's tiring. Often in some sort of dissociation throughout the days. Can't keep track of anything. Mostly numb. Funny how things still manage to hurt even when you're numb

Maybe one day I can write more to explain what it feels like I can't explain - maybe not - idk. At this point it doesn't really matter does it? I'm not even sure I care anyway

Hard to believe it's almost 2024. What a *** year 2023 was. I don't have any resolutions - I just want a better year. I'd like to feel better. I'd like to live and not just survive

I lost my voice - literally - the day after my father died. Still hasn't come back. There's nothing wrong that anyone can find. I figure it's no big deal. I talk less than I did before

I feel dead inside and yet not. I feel bad for his wife sometimes. Because she's alone but yet she's not - idk. She tells me I can talk to her but I can't. She's not aware of anything from his past really. Some things but not enough. It just seems to complicated and honestly - I don't have the energy to try and explain to her my feelings. 

I need to just let it go. Nothing can be fixed or changed. It is what it is. Embrace the suck or it will drown you - you'll probably drown anyway - why fight it? 

I forget sometimes that this is a place of positivity - fake or toxic - doesn't matter. Happy happy - joy joy. The happier you seem the more people will interact with you. Struggle and they scatter. Some - not all. Kind of makes you feel out of place doesn't it? Guess that explains why a lot of us isolate when we're struggling - it's ok tho - just embrace the suck

Fluff! My father put me down as his executor for his will. I think this is how you really find out someone hates you. Talk about a cluster fluff. She has all his papers but I'm the one supposed to take care of everything. Why? Because he was worried about them. This way they don't have to trouble themselves with figuring anything out. Let's get the idiot to deal with it. And if it gets fluffed up - it's my neck and as* on the line to get into trouble. This is something he could have discussed with me before he fluffing died. Instead of us sitting there looking stupid. He could have spent time getting sh*t together. He could have at some point said hey J what would you think about being the executor of my will - no don't answer right now. Think about it and then let me know. But no - here's a surprise for you J. And I mentioned to getting a lawyer to her and she's dragging her feet - what's up with that? She didn't want it to go to probate court either - why not? It needs to because I need some legal letters to take care of some of cluster fluff. Letters of testamentary or something. She said she'd help but hasn't done much except put up road blocks. I text her a few times to ask some questions and she never answered. Something doesn't feel right about this. I'm trying to trust her but something just doesn't feel right. Instincts 

It's overwhelming and makes my brain melt because I'm too damn stupid to know this *** and figure it out 

New tunes

WitchZ in my head

WitchZ - the magic

Test

hint taken. thanks for letting me vent cups 🤬

Just stopping by to leave a safe hug if that’s ok

I've been short on words. And energy. And patience. I'm exhausted. The reality of his passing seems to hit in bursts - sucker punches to the gut. When it snowed a part of me wanted to text him or was waiting for him to text to ask *so how much did ya get?*  

He left me a car. I got it here last weekend. That was weird. It still is. I mean I knew he was giving it to me - we had redid the title months ago. Some survivorship thing. But idk what I'm going to do with it. It's not practical. I haven't driven it. It's insured of course - all legal but idk. Tbh I feel half afraid of it 😅 We call it the Beast and give it wide berth when walking past - almost as if afraid it will eat us. I guess there's some distrust for it. Sounds weird right? How do you not trust a car? I guess mostly because some of the other things that he *gave* turned out to be junk lol. An air compressor that won't run and a push mower. They came to me to get them out of the shed and his GF *thought they married - turns out I was wrong* anyway - I got them so she wouldn't have to deal with them and it freed up space in their shed. So I'm alittle worried I'll take it out and it'll let me sit somewhere 😕 Or OR - it gets wrecked 😅

I try to take things here as they come - no expectations. But there are times when you kind of hope or assume you'll hear something from whoever - especially if it's a formal type space. When you're already struggling to share or just struggling in general and you don't even get the standard bs lines - idk - it sends the wrong messages - at least it does to me - next time I have this silly idea to share - I just won't

anyway - write a book J

What reminds you of your childhood? Scars. The ache in bones that were broken. The memories. I'm having a moment here. I feel bad for that. I've gotten good at keeping these moments to myself. Tuck them away and be strong for others. I'm not a child. I tried to tell my self it wasn't a big deal but the rabbit quick heart in my chest says otherwise  To the point I feel sick. She gave the number to someone. An uncle. Said he'd like to get in touch with me. She says she's met him and spoken with him numerous times and doesn't understand why there's a problem.  She doesn't have to understand. You don't give someone's number out with out *** permission. It's an unspoken rule. She's caused so much doubt and turmoil already. She gaslights and invalidates everything. You can talk to me she says. Everything said is wrong. Everyone grieves differently she says. But thought I'd be more upset. Lady you don't have a *** clue what goes on in this head. You don't have a clue about any feelings going on.  Don't *** say you'll help and then text every once in a while to see how things are going. "Have you heard anything from the court yet?" Don't *** say you're there and then never show up. Don't make someone feel bad because they aren't all grief stricken and bawling on the floor. And I'm *** at him. Because damn him for dying and leaving this *** mess. Damn him for walking back into our lives. Damn me for letting him

Been trying to practice acknowledging gratitude. Some days are harder than others

I'm having some real issues with sleep. Nightmares have been horrible. I get triggered easy. The past few days I haven't liked my face or this body

Things get done. Not much tbh because there's not much I care about anymore. I keep thinking it'll pass but tbh it feels like I've quit. Just putting in my time the easiest way I know how. At the same time I want to rage and rail and not go down without a fight. I'd like to drop the armor and  cry it all hurts. All this just hurts. I don't know how to make it stop. How do you stop the constant hurt? 

3 months today

Doesn't feel that long. Time is fluid and today felt out of body-ish. So weird when that happens 

It's been so long since I've written here it kind of feels like I've forgotten how

The break was nice. Right now I wonder if I should have just stayed gone. I really don't think I'm any good for people. There's people I care about here but maybe it's wrong to care. I should just keep to my little section - idk. Insecurities and not so good thoughts are hitting right now

Things are slowly finishing with the estate. Just waiting for the bank to give me a number to start the online banking bit so I can pass that information onto the lawyer. Write a few checks and deal with the inheritance taxes. I did pay the irs because they were sending intent to seize property letters lol. He really should have taken care of it when he was alive

Alive - god it's so weird sometimes that he's dead. I still haven't really processed that. I'm too busy trying to keep things in order and keep things going here

Between losing Tazzer and then my father - the depression hit so hard. I've forgotten how to live - I just stumbled through the days and try to keep it all from crashing down

I haven't talked to his GF in a while. She's upset because I hired a lawyer to help handle the estate. She found out because there needed to be letter sent to inform them that they were beneficiaries. He's saved my *** a few times because there were things that needed to be done that I didn't know about. Like advertising the estate. And that something gotten through survivorship still has to have inheritance tax paid. There literally pay taxes for everything. Total BS. Greedy b*stards.  There are laws you have to follow or you can get in big trouble. I never knew

I really thought the depression had passed or eased. But I think maybe it was just pushed  down deeper. Because if we ignore things they go away right? 

At least for alittle while anyway. You have a good day. Maybe not perfect but good. Your soul feels lighter and for a small moment there is a sense of peace. It never lasts though does it? It bleeds through like black mold.

What are you triggered by? Some days, everything. 

How do you explain the unexplainable so the non understanding can understand? How do you do it without sounding totally batsh*t crazy?  Inquiring minds wanna know. 

It's not possession but sometimes you wonder,  when you're not in control. 

Sick and tired. Literally. So let's go toss our cookies and crawl to bed. Unless you wanna sleep on the floor. That's no good at all. 

Woke up this morning disoriented and wasn't sure of where I was or what day it was. Panicky It took hours to calm down and feel comfortable here

It's nice when the intrusive thoughts come with some ideations. Spices things up nicely

I had someone tell me the other day that I have sad eyes. I said I'm sorry lol because what do you say to that?  

Had some serious flashbacks last night. The kind that leaves you gasping for air. Intense - just so intense

Replies should be worked on. There just isn't the energy for it.  Just can't fake it to make it tonight. 

There seems to be an undercurrent of tension here on site. Sometimes it seems like there's intent to divide lately. No different from the rest of the world really. Religion against religion. Color against color. Nationality against nationality. Man against woman. The more they declare all inclusion the more a wedge is driven in somewhere else to farther some divide. And so many are too blind or wrapped up in their current cause to see what's being done. 

Everyone seems to forget that we can have different opinions. In fact I think it's healthy to do so. That IS diverse. Free thinkers used to be a good thing. Now we're expected to follow the hive. 

Even here. People used to be able to speak more freely. Then there were censors which have been slowly getting more and more strict. Now it's to the point that if something you typed is "wrong" somewhere it won't even post. We conform.

Others decide if what you wrote needs to be removed. They can decide if you did this or that as a reason. You can't talk to anyone. You can email and explain. Hopefully someone will eventually get back to you. But in the long run it changes nothing. But we conform.

There's so much positivity it's sickening at times. So many of us here are struggling with something. Suffering from some affliction. Do you really feel positive? Can you honestly look at what you're dealing with in your life an feel positive about it? But you know what? We conform. 

Slowly losing taste for "Tea" 

Today is a heavy day. Heavy thoughts and emotions all wrapped in physical pain. It's been that way for days - weeks.  The more things hurt the more tense you become - which ironically makes things hurt more

Having some health issues

Occasional flashbacks - that carry over into nightmares

Been pretty busy. I've gotten some chores done that have been put off a few years. Mainly pressure washing the porch and patio area. There's a few area's to do yet. It's been a good week for it because there's been a heat advisory in place

I read a book lol Joyland by Stephen King - pretty good. Not as long as alot of his books

My father's estate still isn't finished. But we should start working on the inheritance taxes soon - hopefully. I'm ready for that to be over

It's been hard writing here or anywhere else tbh.  Usually lack of energy is involved. I'll start to write get two sentences in and decide that's enough for the day and close it. This includes replying to anyone too. I feel bad about that

I'd like to stop holding all the thoughts inside but Idk - maybe this is a start? The times I do share - Idk - I'm sometimes ashamed of who I am or how I replied - often wishing I would have just kept my mouth shut. My head says it's not a good idea to be me - and Idk why

I have a headache. I'm stressed and depressed. Doing things I probably shouldn't be doing but it's ok because I'm an adult. Some days I lose time like crazy. Irritable a lot. Sounds *** me off a lot. Things still aren't finalized. Waiting for the lawyer to finish up what he's doing

I saw a ghost today. In the yard. Don't laugh. I have it video. There was a doe and her two babies. That's what was being recorded. Looking at it later you can see and orb with them. It moves around them. Pretty cool. Kind of freaky. Not sure I like knowing this tbh

Talked with a chipmunk the other day. It was in the garden just a few feet away. We talked about the weather

Idk how to break this - whatever tf this is that's weighing on me so bad. It hasn't been this bad in a long time 

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water.... you realize that your seat cushion does not double as a flotation device

You know one of the first thoughts in the morning is who am I going to upset or disappoint today? I seem to be good at that

The closer I think I'm getting to the finish line with this estate BS it seems the more obstacles pop up. Last week his GF told me that she's been getting bank statements for his personal accounts. The one's that were supposed to have been closed when I opened the estate account. So I made a trip to the bank. The person who helped set up the estate account never closed them. Now the one account is closed but the other one had a hold on it because there were fee's that had accumulated. The bank was kind enough to reverse the fee's but they have to wait until a certain date for the account to automatically close

This week started with a bang because once again she contacts me to tell me she's now gotten a letter from some tax company that some tax wasn't filed. Which I don't really understand why it wasn't or wouldn't have been because I went through the same big box tax preparer that he used before he died. So they had all his records. This is stressing me out so bad and now the lawyer wants to start the inheritance taxes after I explained everything that's going on. So I feel alittle like he's bailing because he see's the cluster *** that's happening. And you know what? I'd like to bail too. I just so done. I've had a headache for as long as I can remember and it feels like there's no one that I can really count on. Ask for help - ask for help - but the people I hire for help leave me hanging and then I end up running around trying to fix the things that I thought they were going to take care of. Things I thought were part of their jobs. I can't depend on his GF for help because she lets things go for months before bringing it to my attention and then when she does she wants to offer advice. How about no thank you? Don't just toss everything on a pile and then go through it months later. Let me know right away. No wonder there's trust issues

Oh look august is almost over already. The days pass and it catches me off guard. I don't come here like I used to -  well that's not really true. I pop in check threads  and notices and leave

I think alot or it feels like I do. The thoughts never seem to stay for very long. Which is really frustrating.  I can't seem to figure people out. Can't quite figure out the psychology of things either. Do this but not that. You can't be responsible for other people's feelings but yet other people make you feel responsible. It's draining trying to always figure out what's the right thing to do. Anxiety doesn't help. I'm always torn on what to do. *** it's that way with everything. Did I say the right thing? Maybe I shouldn't have said anything? Did I do this right? 

You know what I realized these past few months? That despite all the people saying that you're not alone and we're with you - look around. Do you see anyone? And ya know alot of us are ok with it. Disappointed maybe but used to it. There was nobody around to help when we're little. There was nobody to go to when grandparents died. There's nobody now. And you know it's ok. I accept that. Better to accept than get all pissy and nasty about it

I see things here I shouldn't. I recognize things here I wish I didn't. And I realize the truth of it. But I pretend I'm blind to it all