Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

Is it wrong that I still get embarrassed finding writings that aren't mine sometimes? How do I learn to accept things? Is it wrong - to share here? It used to feel right but now I wonder if I'm just painting myself as a bigger freak.

You can't heal if you keep pretending you're not hurt - for some reason that hits home today

The weekend wasn't really all that bad. Saturday we went to the feed mill. Bought an incubator for eggs :) We've been looking online at eggs you can order to hatch. Trying to pick some of the rarer ones. There's so many different kinds of chickens! Um - allmost bought a baby goat. Allmost - there are some who are still trying to talk everyone into getting it. The dog would like it - the horse would like it - type stuff. It was bottle fed though and only a week old. It was so cute though but what they heck would we do with a goat lol

A big step was that night - we went out for pizza with the neighbors. Holy cow right? Got hit by a migraine later that made us sick but we lived

I just realized - I think we're kind of shut down. Idk - there's just - nothing sort of? Just here I guess * shrugs*

"cat got your tongue?" Eye's in the mirror. Kind eyes. I look back down and nod no. He was driving and she was sitting half turned in her seat. Watching quietly. Occasionally she would softly ask a question. " are you hungry? You must be tired." Yes or no questions. Some times she would say Does but then would let the rest of it drop. I knew what she was wondering. Does she know? Does she know where you are? She would glance over at him. Instead she talked about where they lived. A house in the middle of the woods. Surrounded by trees. A big difference from where we had lived. A real big difference from the city.

It took hours to reach the house. The lane at the end of the road looked like it went no where. There were occasional "NO Trespassing" and "Private Property" signs along a narrow lane. The lane zigzagged up through the woods. A switchback he called it because it was so steep. The house was nothing like I had imagined it. I pictured logs. A small log cabin. Rustic. But it was stone. There's a marble stone at the top of the wall on the porch with the date it was built. 1923.

Inside was warm and bright. There were plants every where. It smelled nice and clean. They had a dog. A Golden mix she said. His name was Duke. She told him to be nice and said that he can be a little funny towards new people. He sniffed my shoes and pants. He sniffed my hand. I showed him my palms. Empty. No threat. No treat but no threat. He licked them and went to the corner and laid down.

She said she would make some grilled cheese and soup. I could clean up in the upstairs bathroom. She realized I had nothing. No real belongings. There was a backpack in an alleyway. Tucked behind a dumpster. I hoped Teah would find it. There was some food and socks in it. A bar of soap and a wash cloth. The food bank gave them out. It was helpful. She asked him to get a shirt and shorts or sweatpants. She had me follow her upstairs and showed me the bathroom. She brought a fresh towel and explained the faucet. Pointed out the soap and shampoo. The towel was so soft. It smelled so clean. I stared at the floor with it clutched to my chest. She said that special name again. "Will you look at me?" A nod no. I couldn't. I couldn't because if I did I would be lost. I wouldn't be able to stop. She reached out her hand. Slow. Timid. She reached for my face and I stepped back. I regret that I stepped back. Her hand drew back. She said "It's so good too see you." I could hear in her voice. She was hurt. She said to come down stairs when I was done.

I walked quietly downstairs when I was done and made my way down to the kitchen. They were standing together near the stove. He was hugging her and she was crying. I stood in the doorway and looked at the floor. He noticed I was there and said "Look at you." She excused herself for a minute and he said to have a seat. I could tell she had been crying again. We ate grilled cheese and tomato soup. They talked to each other while we ate. They talked to me. It was odd. It wasn't normal. Meals usually involved yelling. Slamming pots and doors.

After cleaning up they said it would probably be best to for everyone to get some rest. They showed me the spare bedroom. She turned on the lamp and pulled down the covers. They both said good night and said to sleep good. Before they left she said "I'm so glad you're here." She said they'd leave the hall light on and gently closed the door.

I stood there and looked around the room. The room was nice. Simple. Bed. Dresser. Night stand and lamp. The closet was behind me. I turned on the lamp and turned off the over head light. I noticed a door and found it was the closet. It was fairly empty. I pulled the comforter off the bed and took it to the closet. Climbed in and shut the door. Pulled the comforter over and disappeared underneath.

I must be an idiot. Nothing should be this hard. I make it hard because I'm an idiot

I'd really like to feel better now. I'm just afraid Idk how to anymore. I shy away from people. I avoid them sometimes. If I talk too much - I worry about annoying them. Or if i bother them. Idk how to stop. It's not personal. It's just me :( Everything just gets tucked away. Buried. Maybe that's what processing things is. We just bury it deeper everytime it resurfaces. Same shit just a different day

I've been more forgetful lately. God everything is so disorganized. Deeper insecurities and more self doubt. The harder I try it seems the more everything spirals out of control. The harder I try to climb out of this shell - the further in I want to go. I thought with time - things would get better. The anxiety is really bad today and it feels like a heart attack - the depression says it wishes it was

How do I stop the hate? Saw the one thread here. I forget what it's called but you basically imagine what your friends and family would say at a funeral. It opened a door and she slips through and hours later I realize I've been listening to her whispering her wonderful lullaby in my head. Playing devils advocate. I could feel the hate *sigh* I'm trying to fix things with her I swear I am but I'm afraid it's mutual. I don't know what else to do

Its not constant - the self hatred. There's alot of numbness. There's so much to do some days and I'm looking forward to the warmer weather - I know it means more work. More work means less playtime and tbh - there's way too much fucking off during the day and we get grumpy when video games are interrupted

I need more hours in the day but I'm so freaking tired and these damn headaches suck

Watching too much news isn't a good thing either I think - some fear and concern - outrage

Idk. I dont know what to do

Sorry - just needed to complain

On my mind - Many many things. New changes to the forums suck and I do mean they suck. NOw apparently things are allowed to be shared on twitter and FB which sort of seems to complicate the whole anonymous part of this site - we should be allowed to decide if we want that or not - but we think it should be a personal choice - it does make us anxious and we don't remember giving anyone permission to do so - so writing anything in great detail might not happen too much anymore

Messages have been an issue - the repetition of them - all day for the past two days is adding to the anxiety. It's allmost humming it's that bad. With the messages - come memories of the person who said them until the anger comes - then the self hate because I believe those messages and they hurt still. So if anyone's got any idea's how to shut her up lol - we thought maybe duct tape but - Doc Z says to be gentle

Alot of worry about wearing out our welcome anywhere - keeps us quiet and frozen in some ways I guess. We've learned that alot of times it's best to just keep things to ourselves and fight with it alone. I try not to let myself feel anything - because - well - messages - the whole how dare you speech I got once - Had something else to say but it poofed. Guess it wasn't a safe thought to share LOL Some of the other messages - make me struggle to check in with people - so if you're reading this - you are in my thoughts and I'm sending you good vibes ❤️

Still trying to get more organized in the house because it's a wreck right now

Yesterday it was 50 - it's supposed to get there today again. We have a winter storm warning for tomorrow LOL! 5-7 inches. It's a shame too because some of the flowers are coming up and some of the trees are getting buds

We ordered some chicken eggs last week that will ship in may - we're going to hatch them lol. The girls here started laying again and we put some in the incubator :) So in about three weeks we might have peeps! We'll probably post a video or something of them because seems like something cute and safe to share and well - we have control of that

Idk - I guess that's it

Tbh - I wrote earlier - deleted it all

Came back - wrote and deleted it all again

Headache since yesterday. Heads a mess - again - what's new right? It's so fucking hard to keep everything straight and I'll think everything is fine and then something gets set off and she says these things and she tears me down because there's a ring of truth. I have to be so careful because it leaks every where and infects everything

He says it would help to talk about it. It feels like I can't. All the words are stuck. There's a certain sense of peace in silence. Peace knowing nothing you say can used against you - a peace in knowing you're not upsetting anyone by what you say - but it eats away at you - at me

I've changed - I know I have and it's not for the better and I'd kind of like to get that J back - the one that used to bare his soul here - the one who shared thoughts and tried to figure out feelings - the one that used to be able to smile and joke around more - the one who was curious about things - allways saying sorry for all the questions

This place has changed too - noone plays the games anymore - at least not that I know of - maybe it's because of the way things are set up on the forums now - those were nice simple ways to interact with people. Now I don't even know if it's ok to admit to occasional loneliness - so I don't talk about it. I don't talk about depression - grief - anger - those have been declared bad things - we don't talk about bad things

Yesterday was a good day. Found an affirmation that was working for the day and spent the day in the greenhouse repotting strawberry plants - it was actually peaceful

Today - a well intended word set off so much anxiety. Because of someone else's words - words that won't leave my mind. Words from months ago. Believe me I've tried to forget them. I've found that when you piss someone off then you find out what they really think of you. Maybe they try to hide what they have to say but maybe you see something at just the right time - at just the right place. Maybe the things they say hit just the right wounds - just the right way that it causes a set back you're fighting to find your way back from. Maybe those words cause you to doubt everything you do now. It made it so hard to accept any compliments - made it so hard to talk about anything - you end up not saying anything because it just brings the possibility more words that cut to the bone - believe me I would like to move on

I've been called an energy vampire - emotionally abusive and a troll - and someone who sucks up praise and that's probably not all of it. Parts of me are scary. Maybe I am - maybe I am the things I've been afraid I was. I try to be so careful with people - with the words I offer them - yes I do get a good feeling knowing I might have helped someone feel better - yes being kind to others helps me be kinder to myself. So how do I let go - how do we let go of those words?

Even writing this - I'm so nervous because I know that even though people leave here - it's not that hard to return and lurk - watching and waiting and I'll regret writing this

So know you know - maybe not all but enough to know why we end up keeping to ourselves more and more

Now you know others think of me

Another not too bad day. Started really rough. Acknowledged some of the anger and sat with it for alittle - talked with Doc Z about it

Did a pro and con list that helped with something alittle - I can feel it still lingers - like residual whatever but I'm trying to keep the tone gentle - that whole self talk thing. Trying to follow a suggestion from someone here in the chat and when the RQ starts up - I thank her and ask her if there's anything else. When it gets to be too much and tires me out - I just say thank you and tell her to have a nice day. Its hard sometimes though - I cant lie about that

Since I wrote last night - it feels alittle more comfortable writing here - idk why and Idk if it will last. Baby steps right? I guess maybe I'm just starting to accept the truth about somethings - finally. Things that maybe we're noticed earlier but were ignored because of - reasons

If I'm honest - things have been kind of rough around here since Saturday. The anxiety has gotten really bad and I'm allways shaking

Saturday night - Idk what happened - it was a fairly good day - got alot of things done - had a nice evening playing games - took a shower and later went to bed - woke up a couple hours later - couldn't breath - was making that noise you make if you get the air knocked out of you - felt that way - next thing - it was hours later

Sunday evening someone was assaulted at the little park they have in town - there's houses all around it - someone should have heard something. It was 4-5 in the evening

Two people in the neighborhood have had their gas tanks drilled and drained in the past week. There's alot more wariness with people - strangers. Just constant being on guard - not helping the anxiety ya know?

A memory I don't want - not terrible - just sick

Was hoping there was the chat today - but guess not - kind of sucks because I sort of wanted to be around people but yet not lol - guess just maybe wanted the illusion of being part of it

Guess we'll just go out to the greenhouse again

The sun's out today - finally. It's been damp and rainy the past few days. So now the sun's out but it's too muddy to really do much. Probably a good thing - I f*cking hurt today - nothing is helping so far - pills - ice - heat - PMR - nothing touches it. It's like a hard sharp ache - constant . There's alot of dissociation going on - had problems staying present at the pharmacy

Debate at the store over buying chicken - because of the peeps *smh* we're not gonna eat the peeps *not yet* What!? No - we're not eating the peeps *just their children* Stop! He's teasing *no I'm not - it's true - emergency food supply* Can we just please - not? Led to a discussion about chicken nuggets later - because yum! Ckicken nuggets lol - but they don't look like chicken *that's because -* Back off! Ya'll gonna make me lose my mind - up in here lol

Allmost all the strawberry's have been separated and repotted - we now have 170 strawberry plants lol. Some are too young and won't give berries this year but they all look nice. Blueberry's have flowers. Cabbage - broccoli - lettuce and cauliflower have been started and are growing nice - it's too cold at night yet so we haven't trusted to put anything outside. It stay nice in the green house though. Flowers too - of course and a new lily. And peonies lol - they're new too :) I just have to stick everything up my ass so the damn deer don't eat them :/

Met with my father on my birthday. One of those things that seems like a good idea at the time - only to realize later this was a mistake. It started out weird because he commented that he thought I wasn't coming. * I was two minutes late* Those were his very first words - not hey or hi but I thought you weren't coming. I of course said I was sorry I was late. Talk was sort of - forced small talk in the beginning. We ordered and he talked about the woman he's with now and her daughter - how she's starting college - wants to work with animals. How they go out for breakfast together on the weekends - if his gf has to work. The hardest part was watching his face light up when he talked about her - how animated he'd get talking about her - how she's fun to hang out with

Not once did he ask how I was - what I'm up to - I was just a listener for him. He showed off his car - he has a new charger. We touched on the past just a tiny bit - said if I knew what he knew - how he could tell me things. I could feel I was losing it from that first - thought you weren't coming - I only remember bits and pieces and it's like the memories are faded - dulled down to pad the sharp edges. We asked him if he thought things stopped after he left - because they didn't - they got worse - much worse. He said well it's over now - that's a good thing and look you got this cool place in the woods to live now - not many people can say that. Not many people can say that. Yeah - the consolation prize. Never mind that I'm the way I am - never mind that I have no family - never mind that I'm so fucking fucked up that I have no life of my own - I got a cool place to live - yay me. I've never told him what I've been diagnosed with - that's not something I'd tell any of them. Noone outside of here and Doc Z know. They'd find a way to use it. But I'd give it up living here in a heart beat to be even remotely close to normal. To say I went to college for - Idk whatever - I'm a doctor - a lawyer - a freaking mechanic. I can't keep my shit together from one day - no one minute to the next some days - how the fuck would I handle college? I'd be ninety before I'd get a degree. God just to have some freaking support from family - someone I could trust - they're all cut throat - they would sell each other out in a heart beat to save themselves - to admit to any truths. For him to say I have no idea what he had to put up with - was that our big moment? You show me yours - I'll show you mine? Let's compare scars - he can show where he got his appendix out and I can show the burns - the whip marks - the chunks of meat she took with finger nails - am I angry? Are any of us? Oh yeah - and hurt - alot of hurt - all the time. I was never what he wanted - I'll never be. Not to any of them. It's just us - it'll probably allways be just us because you can't trust anyone. In the end the only person there for you - is you and a shrink and he's only there because you pay him to put up with you lol

Even here - I feel shy peopling with people right now. A couple of days - feels longer then it actually was but yet it feels like yesterday. Like that feeling of sleeping and it feels like you've slept all day but it was only an hour but you feel - off. A day late and a dollar short

Proud - that's what. He was proud of her. Idk if I've ever made anyone proud. When was the last time I did anything for anyone - me included to be proud of?

Maybe - I just see everything wrong. It's perceived wrong. Viewed wrong. Taken wrong *lays head on desk* I'm so confused all the time. Maybe what was seen as attitude was anxiety. Maybe what seen as comparison was just explaining. Maybe everything is just - wrong. Idk what to think anymore

I think maybe I'm emotionally constipated - I haven't given a shit in days. Sounds sad but I don't care about much right now. The world's gone nuts - people are making up rules as they go. Everything I want to say seems wrong so I keep quiet. Some days I think too much and some days I don't think at all. I'm just a shell. A shell of a shell ;) how do I lose the numbness? Is this because of meeting with him? When does this stop or get better? There used to be days that felt better - now? Idk - every day just feels so heavy anymore and I feel so incredibly weak

@mytwistedsoul There you are! Too late lol I allready dealt with you

Things are still screwed up here. The time lines. The notifications. Little things that mess with my head and make me question my memory more

Had a bad night last night sleep wise. It was good up u til then. Sometimes the house feels foreign and once again I was afraid to sleep. To close my eyes. My mind plays tricks on me and I think I hear things

There's some suspicion about another situation

All this has spawned a pretty wicked headache

Grocery shopping is getting worse with the tendency to hoard things but at least it's an organized hoard. The shelves at the store are emptier. Things twice as expensive. Its just triggering alot. We're slowly getting more organized with things. First was the cupboards and drawers and the closets. The attic is still a nightmare but it's a little better. Things taken out of boxes and put in totes. Its funny the stairway to the attic is in my bedroom. Its stairs and then a door in the floor that works with weights. I used to be terrified of that stairway - I'm not sure why. Its better now - but I can't look that way after dark. Kind for sucks because you have to walk past it to the bathroom. Its ok as long as it's light out but after dark? No. Not sure why I shared that tbh

Idk - it's allmost 3 and I don't know where the time went again. I remember being in the greenhouse and giving bugs to the peeps but after that? Idk

Sometimes there's this vague sense of loss. It feels slightly worn and faded. As though it's been visited so many times. I can't really explain it. It's like a memory of a memory.

Take a breath and unclench your jaw. The day slipped. It was off to a good start and then it slipped. Caught my grip and stopped it - only to slide again a few hours later. Caught another hand hold. Thought I had a tight enough grip but not long after it slipped again and it feels like it's turned into a free fall

Thoughts go straight and then go wild and they're hard to make sense of and then they disappear and there's a feeling of so much loss all the freaking time. So many things I want to say but the words don't want to come out right and I tell myself why bother because I just sound stupid

It's funny the way the time goes. Minutes into hours. Hours into days. The days pass so quickly but sometimes the time goes slow - if that makes any sense. A few days ago I thought it was March lol - I'm not sure why. I felt stupid - for lack of a better word. For a few days - it was like I couldn't string together two words and when I could they seemed to rhyme. I had no thoughts that I can remember. I realize what weekend it was last week - so maybe that explains it. It's allways a hard weekend

We keep busy - that's one good thing about this time of year. There's allways alot of things to do. The garden is growing nice - it's fenced in now so no deer can get in. The peeps are getting big and now we have the one's we ordered so they're on the incubator. 21 days. They gave two extra eggs - I guess just in case? But some of the eggs are a soft bluish green color - so we're curious what ends up hatching. We'll leave them sit for a few days and then candle them to see if anything is happening. Fingers crossed. There's been new additions to the lilies and new trees being grown. Some mornings we take Danny out for a ride - sometimes it's closer to evening since it says light longer. It's peaceful being with him - focus is on him and his footing and our surroundings - there is no room for other thoughts

Last night was a bad night for sleep and there is a raging headache and thoughts. I keep to myself more lately - try not to bother people. Sometimes the whitewash in my brain sticks alittle longer and the words are dim - not forgotten but muted more. Easier to ignore and socialize but then other days they're painfully obvious and they claw and scratch open some of the wounds again. There was a wave of sadness this morning and for the first time in along time - I allowed the tears to come. Allmost reached out to my listener - but didn't - what was on my mind doesn't matter - Besides I have a good idea what they would have said anyway lol - so I'll save us both some time

10:37 am

It's like we become our own sound proof rooms. Nothing comes out but everything inside is chaos. Things are on fire. Smoke fills the air. The sound of the screams all contained within. It's noisy inside but silent outside. Ask for nothing
Anxiety and depression walk hand in hand. Everything else is watered down. But sometimes things ooze out - usually when they shouldn't. I am a watered down version of myself with barely any hint of flavor of the J that once was. I've no idea how to get that back. I can force it for alittle but it's like smoke and fades quickly. Weight the curious parts down. Hide the innocence. The older one's are aware of the issues because we fight. The littles we try to keep blissfully unaware but they know things aren't the way they used to be no matter how hard we try. One even said he'd wants to run away - which he can't but yet he can - if that makes sense. He could hide again which would be about the same thing I guess

I put lol alot of times in posts when I should actually put nc for nervous chuckle. Because I don't think I really genuinely laugh anymore. Doc Z worries and we tell him not to. I really don't think he believes it which is ok because I don't either. It's as though we're frozen in place - literally and everything just shuts down and we linger on life support. It gets the job done but it really isn't living. Sometimes I wonder if we haven't started to decay and just stink up the place

It's sad really - when I read posts I wrote in the past. There was freedom with words - thoughts - even feelings. Now everything is weighed and measured before it's typed. I take more time when replying to anyone because of this. Even speaking out loud to people. Worrying if it sounds right - can it be taken the wrong way - will it hurt anyone. Will it come back to bite me? What do you do when the lessons of the past meet the lessons of the present and they match up like pieces of a puzzle? How do you argue that? How do you fight it and with what? It seems like my arsenal is empty except for a rusty butter knife
*lets post and feel bad about it* 11:33

I tried to write yesterday - four times. I type - delete - type some more and then close everything. It happens with discussions - replies - it's like every word has to be fought for. Literally. I get shaky and sometimes my mind goes blank or it feels like I'm going to be sick - got that going on right now. I'm supposed to fight through it but it's tiring

So - there's alot of anticipatory grief happening lately - things going on that noone knows. The dog - she's gotten old. She can't hear - she can't hardly see and she sleeps alot. You get where I'm going with this? I don't want to actually type it out or even say it out loud but it's known that some day soon - I mean she eats - she still has silly moments - so she's not suffering. I guess - I'm afraid - of so many things with this. Idk if my heart can take another big loss like this - I'm afraid I'm going to lose my shit. Yeah - I know alot of people would think it's just a dog - but to me that's my friend - that's my family. With everything that has gone on since Kody - she was there
Yeah -

Words words - words. I still write and delete. I'm hoping today will be different

I realized some things this morning. I'm learning - I'm trying to practice things I say to others. It's not easy. I'm trying to stop seeing things as mistakes - looking at them as learning experiences. I'm trying to be patient - with myself and the healing process. That's not easy either. Some days are worse than others - but some days are better too. I'm learning again that it's ok to make connections with people. I'm learning to check in with the other's more

I try to be more aware of influence and I try to challenge it. That's also not easy. Nobody said this was going to be easy. But it can be done - right? Just have to work harder - I mean we have to try right? Maybe all that matters is that you try? Enjoy the good days - don't question them - don't overthink them - just enjoy the moment. Enjoy the peace - even if it is short lived
I know there's so much more that needs to be done and I am trying to rise to the challenge

Yeah -

Still writing and deleting and keeping to myself. But sometimes I do reach out to other members - all depends on how I feel at the time I guess. Sometimes there's regret afterwards - thinking I shouldn't have said anything - someone else could say it better or that OMG will there be follow up questions?

This may be a bit whiny lol
Took a spill - down a hill and messed up an ankle pretty bad. Not even exactly sure what happened tbh - lost footing or something. There was some weed whacking that needed to be down in front of the house on a steep bank. Next thing I know I was on my back with the weed whacker laying beside me. This can't be good right? Lol - it wasn't. The ankle felt wrong. You know that feeling? Like you haven't seen it yet but you know something isn't right. Trying to walk felt like there were glass shards in it. Took allmost an hour to get back to the house. It's broke :( Now we're stuck with crutches - which aggravates other past injuries and just makes everything hurt. Just miserable right now. Plus doctors - er visits - being touched - so much has had to be put on hold and it takes longer just to do what absolutely has to be done - animals and garden. Especially on days like today when it decided to hit ninety! They're calling for storms later too - so hopefully they're not too bad
Problem is - there's a fear of going out in public like this. Fear of - so many things with being injured. Weakness - calling attention because of the crutches. Usually going out in public we try to be inconspicuous
Even talking about it here - admitting that there's something wrong - talking about it - calling attention to it *sigh* it's allways something. It's going to be hard because it seems the only way I'm able to function is if I'm too busy to think about things - now? I can't be as busy but I'm trying to listen to what the body says and allow it to rest or it will just get worse - but the thinking? The thinking is damaging too :/

Post and regret :P lol

Have a headache. Got triggered and pissed off in a chat today. Could feel it coming and left before anyone could say something we might regret. He's been pissy since. He said it was insulting and its things like that that make people question the validity of things and even makes us question ourselves. What if we're all just full of shit? I can't explain it right at the moment or go into detail - head doesn't want to cooperate

I can see now that at times I've been some what of an enabler :/ things I should have said something about but didn't. I chose to soothe rather than disagree because I figured it wouldn't be well received

Do you sit in silence? Everything swirling inside? Thoughts and emotions collide. Clashing and warring with each other. Questions begging to be asked pushed quietly aside. Like an idiot you close your eyes and a name pops in so you send good vibes. Across the universe from this space to yours. They slip through windows and slide under doors.

Sleep is an issue right now. Talking is an issue. Trying to process new information and having trouble doing it - is an issue. A few emotional moments scattered through out the day. Too many thoughts to contain in one head Lol - not funny but there was a cartoon explosionand thoughts of chemical muzzles?

I trip over my words like I do my own feet. I take big pauses sometimes in order to respond and not react. I allow myself that now. Because reactions cause chain reactions. Sounds easy doesn't it? It's not - it should be but it's so freaking hard. Like trying to hold back a flood and I slip away so easy sometimes. I keep my chill sometimes until I can fall apart later - all the things I could share - probably should share. I can feel the panic rising at the very thought of it 😅 and a loud resounding NO 

And type and delete - eh - it was worth a try

Sorry doesn't magically make everything better. Wish it did but it doesn't but god I wish it did. It didn't erase anything. It's turned too far inward I guess

There's anger - at another issue. Something that triggered things related to something else. K says everyone wants to talk to him until He wants to talk with them. Then he is scary to them but his whole job is to protect. He is supposed to be scary
His anger eats alot of energy - we've been trying to figure something out on energy management but so far nothing helps. Maybe because of the triggers right now and everything just being chaotic

Trust for most is at an all time low. Too much heard it before. Was foolish the first time - not falling for it again

Sadness and anxiety and it feels like there's no safe place to put any of it - so we carry it

Post and regret

If I'm honest I don't blame anyone for bailing. If it feels like too much for me it stands to reason that it would be too much for anyone else. I'd bail on me too and yeah - I realize how lousy that might sound. Weak and pathetic but I hate how lonely this feels except for that one hour each Wednesday. For that one hour I'm not alone with this shit

As usual I'm torn writing here but this is my space right? Safe space

Woke up with a jerk gasping for air. It sets the tone for the whole day doesn't it? All day you spend trying to calm everything down. Normal things that calm seem to add to the semi panic you feel. The thoughts - such a wide selection and they get jumbled. The words you write don't make sense. Anxiety meds help but it's like your body knows it's a chemical calm and not natural. Shaky hands spill drinks. Gotta clean it up before - before what? Nobody's in trouble. Accidents happen. That's what paper towels are for

This cast causes problems. It slows mobility. You have to keep moving or they'll catch you. Nobody's coming - it's safe now

Reminders to be told all day. It's all ok

Sometimes there's that feeling - the pull of water. Gentle yet relentless. Persistent

Trying a shoe this morning seemed beyond me. Just couldn't seem to grasp the concept *smh*

She pushed. I pushed back. I never do. I'll pay for this. I allways do

I knew better damn it. It was too much. All day yesterday and today. The things she says - all the time

Good day yesterday. Nightmares last night. Head weird this morning. Migraine at some point. Remember the auras. Hands looked small. Flashbacks this afternoon and evening. Follow me. Shaky still. I don't want all this in my head anymore

Her birthday is this Saturday. Probably be a big fuss and then complaining afterwards. Never happy. Never satisfied. Idk how old she is. Wonder if she still looks the same. Probably not. It's been so long

*smh* anger started yesterday - anger at everything. Big things - little things. Anger at chores - food. The cat - the dog. Sounds - literally everything. A headache building. And here like an idiot - thinking there's someone to talk to. To write here - I'm an idiot - can't even do that. Idk why I even bother anymore. Can't even fake it today and lie and say we're not alone because it's not true. We're all alone - lost in our own private hell's and too fucking tired and weak to even try to save ourselves. What a sad fucking existence this is

This may bounce

I think I think too much but then I lose the thoughts and I never find them again. Wonder if it's that thing we do with putting stuff some place safe and then we never find it again. A void or a black hole that just eats things. Emotions seem that way too. Idk if anything ever really gets released - it just gets moved away from. It's hard to stop because it's not realized until it's too late

Doc Z says we're pushing too hard - it takes time. I'm tired of time. Too fast - too slow. It never is just time. It's not a race but it feels like it is. Feels like so much is riding on this - getting it right moving forward before it's too late

Many reasons why not much is shared here anymore. Many thoughts on it. Sympathy - pity - judgement. Noone needs to know. Fake it til you make it. If you think you can do better my life - then by all means you just have at it. Ok? If you're not an active part in any of this any more then you have no right to think you know anything. Understand? The rules change. We got smarter and don't share half the shit that goes on. Not here. Do Not make assumption that you have any clues on anything. Which it's a shame because this was a nice outlet for things. Maybe one day more can be shared openly. Until then Pride says to show prudence. As little as Pride is it's there and must be protected

Anxiety is so high today and time is being lost in blocks and being pulled in different directions for different things

And tired. Chocolate doesn't keep the dementors away

Hate. With the fire of a thousand sun's. Hate is no good but I hate. Hate makes me bad. You don't hate what you should love. Guilt for hating. Guilt for still loving her. All she did. All she made me do. Hate for her hate. She loves animals but hates them at the same. Her favorites. The ones that bite. The ones that growl. She loves them. Come give a kiss and laugh as they snap. Growl. Her favorite died. Not my fault. Promise! Just old. I dig him up when we moved. She made me dig up a dead dog to take with. I hated that. I hated her. I still hate her. It makes me so bad. Good people don't hate. I'm sorry for that. Im sorry I still hate. I try. to hold it tight inside. I hate that too. I told here that I hate. Nobody can hate if they don't know you. Maybe they can. Can they? Its ok. You can hate me too. My bean hurts. Must have bumped my bean. Tired too. Bye.

I've tried to write dozens of times but I end up deleting everything all the time. I'd be lying if I said I was fine. I'd like to just sleep - wake me when this is all over and things are ok - even sort of ok would be ok. I'm not even really sure what all's wrong. Life seems to be about pain - Physical - emotional - mental - doesn't much matter - it's all just pain

I lose time like crazy it seems - flashbacks come from simple things lately. Walking down the hallway with a red handkerchief - triggered a flashback. Anxiety rages out of control sometimes and then others - this heaviness makes it hard to breath too and I feel dead - I can't seem to find myself again - I'm just a part of all the parts that comprise to make a whole