Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

Idk what's real anymore. Maybe I'm dead and this is my purgatory. Maybe the was a psychotic break and I'm doped up in a nice hug me jacket . just a bunch of delusions - figments. None of it matters I'm still the same asshole - maybe just a few more letters to add to the others - but god it does it explain - something
There should be a limit on the amount of problems one person can have. The plate is full - things are falling off an Idk what to do with all these things - these thoughts
shhh- it's ok - it doesnt matter
sorry I'm sharing this crap here - guess I just wanted it to be heard somewhere
Dont mean to scare people off lol
eh - f**k it - I declare myself unfit damaged goods - run away lol

I think maybe I'm just determined to see myself as a monster. Maybe I'm just looking for excuses to explain my behavior or excuses to reason it away
Actually - if I'm honest - I think I was looking for an out - like let this be the last straw. I quit. Pretty poor excuse though. I think I've allways internalized things and I know I take anger out on myself so wtf is the problem J? And blamed myself for everything - so Idk - is this why or is it just because it's what ive been taught? Combination of both? The possibilities are endless lol

Hard to believe it's August - her birthday is coming. That's allways a bad day. Lately I think theres been more bad days then good. Good thing I don't remember much of them. Some days there's a feeling of such deep sadness - I'm not even sure where it all comes from. I think about things - people - all the ways I failed by not being what they wanted - by just being me. I can go days without saying a word to anyone and its like not using certain things - talking - socializing - it atrophies. Like you forget how it works
Idk - I try to do good - be good but some days I feel like such a f*ck up - am I really that bad? Such an abomination that there's no redemption? No salvation. She allways said we belonged in hell - some days I still believe her. And I realize how stupid that sounds
Some nights there's a fear of walking in the bedroom - fear that someone is in there waiting deep down we know there isn't - the dog would say so but the fear remains. Try to remember to turn on the lamp before dark but memory and remembering things sucks and I feel like an idiot when I repeat myself
Haven't been in the shop in allmost a year. Looked in but didn't do anything. Cobwebs everywhere - stuff still sitting out - just no desire to make anything. When does that come back? Will it? Maybe it's gone for good - so much else has been lost
Doesn't help we saw father on Friday - it had been years - so that been consuming alot of thoughts and probably contributing to the whole failure feeling
Idk - these thoughts feel restless and we need sleep

He said to stop - Idk how

It has to stop - all the bad stuff. I need to get the me back I was before. I need to not be afraid to speak - to talk about what ever. I used to. But - but - but - then things happened and now Idk - there's some clarity about things but it wavers. It doesnt last though and it becomes a whirlpool and sucks me down with it. It's a familiar place and theres comfort in it - comfort in the drowning. And I'm torn because a part of me feels it's deserved but another part says no more. No more suffering - no more punishment. We shouldn't rub the wounds caused by others. And I know this- we all do but then the whirlpool starts and its so damn strong. And I can't keep my thoughts straight. I fall farther away. It feels justified but yet it seems unfair. Because I KNOW the things I won't say outloud - not now - because - I can't. Oh but damn I want to. You can't imagine the war I feel inside over this
I read something earlier on a post about thw dots we have as members. That only listeners have the luxury of hiding behind their red dots. Those dots have caused trouble for some people - I remember. I didn't before
But that clarity? That clarity f*cks you up too because then you see all the the things you didn't before but watch out for where it wavers - because if you tilt your head just right - the light blinds you

I wish these feelings would stop and go away. It weighs on me sometimes - not mattering and I guess I shouldn't care -
Everything feels so heavy some days - which is kind of funny because I feel so hollow and empty too
I think some people justify themselves because destroying others must make them feel better and I am so tired of dealing with the mess. People disagree with each other - they have fights - they have falling outs. They dont just disappear usually. Not unless they really want to destroy the other person - so if that's what you were trying to do - congratulations - you succeeded. You destroyed me - you win

It feels like theres a constant war inside. I feel it - in my head - my chest. The battle rages on constantly. Known and unknown - right and wrong - wants and needs. We're tearing ourselves apart - trying to make a whole. Understanding but yet - not and it feels like - death but not
and I wish - I could - understand - everything better

Felt the sadness creeping in yesterday. The first day there was a chance to relax. Last week was so busy. A storm made some trees fall and one was across the lane. So that took time to clean up plus other things that needed done. Garden stuff to put up for the winter and yard work. Snakes have been an issue because we haven't been keeping after the weeds
Been learning about manipulation and guilt trips. Found out hurrying is a big issue for people with cptsd. That trying to stay a step a head and feeling overwhelmed. Because it feels like we're constantly racing some invisible clock. Some days it doesn't matter what it is - dishes - showers - brushing teeth. If it feels like its taking too long - panic starts. Sometimes I notice it by my breathing and if I focus on it - I can slow it down and remind myself that its ok to take it slow - we dont have to race the clock
Another thing that's been a problem is having fun and playing. In some ways it feels as though its not allowed - there's guilt sometimes with doing fun things because if we get caught there'll be trouble. Its healthy to laugh though and its nice when it happens. Like a morale booster or something
The state of our country weighs on us too because none of it is good. And I mean NONE of it. The whole world is on fire and they're trying to push some new world order and we want no part of it. Everything they're doing is illegal and if you can't see it - then I'm afraid you're blind
My father - has HIV - he's had it for years. Something he picked up from someone he was with years ago. He takes some medicine for it and said he's doing ok. Not sure if we're supposed to feel bad for him or not. Haven't really given it much thought tbh
Its allmost been a year since I've worked on anything - I feel bad about that - there's cobwebs in the shop. Ideas are there - but the desire to do anything with those ideas isn't - I miss it sometimes

He says to not let fear control you - but I don't think he understands
Sometimes it feels so bad that we sit still - frozen in place - heart racing - breathing fast and shallow as quietly as we can - and thoughts have a mind of their own. You neither here nor there - just a melding pot and hold
They're his thoughts - mine - hers - theirs - ours - they are what they are. Nobody has to agree - they can just be. Right or wrong - it doesn't matter. Some may understand and others may not. It's ok - it's allways ok. Say the words outloud if you must - shout them. Just say - IT's OK Control your breathing deep breath in hold and release. Feel the calmness - it's ok

Influence has been an issue. Mind what you write 'cuz sometimes bad words are hidden from sight. We watched all the hummingbirds yesterday. Peaceful on the porch with the cat and the dog. Enjoying the sun. It will soon be cold. It gets cold now. At night and early morning we needed a jacket. Leaves fall. We made ice cream! It was good but doesn't do too good in the freezer. We';ll have to make smaller bactches. The kitchen is almost done It's brighter and doesn't feel as heavy but it was a problem at first but it's ok - now. Time is funny how it moves - slow fast and not at all. sometimes all at the same time and I don't know how that works. I like to watch the leaves in the trees when the wind blows and lay in the grass with the dog and laugh when she snores. She's a nice dog. This things doesn't ave emojeans but the phone does
Remember it's ok - it's ok - nod your head yes do you understand? you're drifting
Why don't you see as I do? Because we all have our own perspectives. For some it's all shades grey and other's it's black and white. Other's the music is muted and colors too bright and it's all ok. R you calm? And I am. I see things through my experiences and you see things through yours. Neither is right or wrong
Babies you have to keep an eye on them. Come out come out. Come here. The gate sqeaks thats how I shoudve known. Why is there an alarm going? Because it's time. Time for what?
LUNCH! Feed me semore - why did we watch that moive?

We move gingerly through the days. I think we all realize how tentative our grip is. We're quieter and try not to ask much of anyone. A fear of wasting anyones time or being annoying helps but then there's the depression. The comfort of isolating
I'm learning the value of grief. I think I've been in denial about alot of things and I grieve for what is lost. All of it. Childhood - life it's self - grandparents - dog - friends. I grieve the past - the present and the future. It's a constant ache some days but sometimes I welcome that pain because it reminds me to be humble and that helps me be gentle with others - the best I can - which is maybe why we're quieter - I don't know if I trust that gentleness and I'm not sure how to explain that. Well - no - I do but ive found that not everything needs an explanation. I'm learning - it takes me awhile but I do catch on eventually. Alot of them are still the wrong lessons and it frustrates our therapist but hopefully some day the lessons will change for the better - maybe not. Its all a crap shoot anyway isnt it?