Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

Father was a thought this past weekend. Thoughts of him with his new family. There isn't much that we remember about him. Other than the pond there were just a few times. Mainly we just didnt exist to him. Unless she was pisses about something - then she would push him to do things and he would - he feared her wrath too I guess. He left when we were eight. Left with her - she got so much worse. Too much resemblance - but times when - she was lonely - we try not to think of that because we want to puke tbh and shame - embarrassment. That's the first it's been sort of admitted I think - ugh yuck - Clorox this brain - white out all of it
We built onto the greenhouse again - its become our own Winchester house. Build on to appease the restless spirits but it looks nice and everything is protected from the deer. We've allready picked green beans ansd sugar peas - there's soon going to be more
Some nights are harder then others - some nights its so uncomfortable to be in this body - this skin irritates me and and this stupid head and the thoughts start. Sometimes the physical pain helps the thoughts along and I think how tired I am - how much pain there is but I let myself get distracted. We play games - watch videos or movies. Keep busy to keep the thoughts at bay - the darkness lurks in those thoughts. Lately some dreams have been of those times in the past and I watch it happen all over again and her words replay - don't bleed on the floor the carpet is new. Even the rugs were more important - had more worth. Or we dream of those damn dogs she had - her babies
ok ok no more of these thoughts. Shaking my head doesn't make them stop - Idk why I do that
But I feel tired now

I used to think that something was better than nothing. But I should have stuck with the nothing because once you have something it's hard to go back to nothing. Does that make sense? At the same time it's hard to be something when you are nothing - you reminded me of that - silly me to think otherwise

Um - emotional flashbacks have been an issue for the past few days I don't want them - but I can't get them to stay away. And my head is on fire and and it feels like I could explode and I feel like I could tear myself apart - disassemble everything and start from scratch build a better more complete J - closer to whole so that maybe - just maybe someone would be ok with me being me - even if me is just some f*cked up guy - even if it is all my fault

I tried - I really did - idk if you realize how hard I was trying but I never got it right did I? Just another mark against myself - what a loser - a failure- nobody - a freak. If you can't fit in with family - what chance do you have fitting in anywhere? She used you against me - she still does and I thought - eh - it doesn't matter what I thought anymore - just more thoughts I'll keep to myself because it doesn't matter. Started telling myself that alot again - it doesn't matter. We all die in the end anyway. You were the red pill - she was the blue - but she poisoned the koolaid :(

I was warned - I should have listened. I see that now. I'm afraid - I'm afraid I'm becoming bitter. Maybe it's just anger - Idk. The only thing I know - is that if I keep busy - I don't think. Keep the music so loud you feel it. Tear yourself apart physically - so you can hold on mentally but in the end - does it matter? Does any of it f*cuking matter at all? I'm afraid it doesn't. What if it doesn't matter that you have no purpose in life? What if there's no higher calling to do greater things? What if, at the hour of our judgement we're judged by our character, judged by how we treated people, judged by our kindness? What if we lost that ability? What happens then? Are we sentenced to come back and relive the lives we had until one day we get it right? Or are there levels of heaven similar to the levels of hell? Are we graded? Is grading on a curve? Perhaps we're sent to a remedial class to make up what we missed, the lessons we failed. Humanity and compassion: 101. St. Peter will be a guest speaker and everyone will receive a paper with the requirements they need to level up. Don't be late and bring your own pencil. I apologize if none of this makes much sense. There's a glitch in the matrix today.


knock knock Neo

And now I'm even more confused about friendships here. I think there is just too much beyond my scope of understanding. They tell you to make friends but not get attached but isn't friendship in it's self an attachment? There has to be some form of a connection and in turn friendship. Without that connection it can be harder to talk to someone. Am I wrong? Probably 😕 Idk anything anymore and I'm tired of trying to figure it out

It feels like I'm losing what's left of my mind. Nothing stays straight. It's all just one big f*vking mess and Idk what to do with it. What do I do? What would you do? Maybe we really can be too broken - maybe we're just too far gone - maybe I'm just too stupid to figure it out

If you had it to do over again - would you? If you knew then what you know now -
Have you ever noticed the price you pay for a good day? One good day and then the ones that follow seem to go to hell and stay there - Idk - maybe they seem worse because you had that one good day

Just keep busy - ya know? If you're busy you don't think - that will hit you later when you want to sleep - then those thoughts come creeping in - then you realize how much of a failure you are and probably allways will be

Started to remodel the kitchen - finally agreed on paint colors - lighter and brighter but sometimes it cranks up the anxiety. Of course there was bound to be problems with it - who ever mixed the color at the store - forced it and it was more tint then actual paint - which of course started the arguements - should've just left well enough alone and see this is why we shouldn't have done this but now it's started and it has to be finished - add in some random cuss words for effect

Actually got to see Doc Z in person last friday - made it alittle more real again - he asked me how long I plan on punishing myself - said Idk - it's been a rough year. Everything just seems pointless - he said it's the depression that makes it seem that way - but Idk - I think thats just the reality of it - meds were upped and empty promises said and now we wait - they either work or they don't lol - those would be the two choices - ya know?

Problems physically with a hip and knee - knee keeps swelling - back issues between my shoulders - snide comments about that - thank you K. But the tendon in my hand is healing nicely and hasn't been as painful
Made a few apologies here to a few people I sort of feel like I had abandoned - Idk - probably pointless there too - should have done it sooner - should have done things better - HAve figured out how not to bother anyone - that was the easy part lol - just be quiet :) You have the right to remain silent - but sometimes not the ability

I must really be a really shitty person to have in anyone's life - just knowing me is a fucking nightmare
The dog still likes me though - the cat tolerates me
Idk - think maybe the family is right

You found your way into my thoughts again - unfortunately it just helps remind me of how big a failure I am. How I failed to be what you needed but yet - Idk - things get so screwed up in my head. I told someone awhile ago it's like my head plays that game - pass it on or down or whatever it's called - you say something to one person and they pass it on to someone else and it goes on and on and by the time it gets back to you the orginal thing you said is so convoluted it's unrecognizable - I told you the messages get twisted Idk - long story short - I'm the bad guy in all the versions - yeah?

I allmost checked that box off the other day again - I get tired of being censored - everyone wants me to be quiet - they might be surprised at how quiet I can be

I try not to ask for anything - I don't think I ever asked you for anything either but I guess I didn't give anything either but you showed me in the end - I learned a valuable lesson - we all did. I should have never replied - I shuld have never tried to explain my feelings. I should have just locked it all down - like everything else - what's one more locked box?

So what do I do? Idk. It sucks when there's no motivation for anything - I haven't worked on anything since sept. Sometime theres a spark of creativity but it dies pretty quickly because it isn't nurtured. We do yard work and the garden and we're still working on the kitchen remodel and keep alive the things that breathe. Anxiety threatens to shake me apart but depression threatens to drag me under and out of the two - I'm not sure which is worse

Twice in one week - woo hoo! Saw Doc Z today - seems there's some abandonment issues - lol - imagine that! The sperm donor that contributed to the creation of the wonderful person writing this post left when we were 8 - a year after the pond incident. Said he couldn't stay anymore - he couldn't deal with her anymore - Idk - I think I'm more confused by what is know about this because - he wasn't as bad when she wasn't around - but then there were times that he was cold - silent - seething - Idk - something is to puzzle through. Maybe he was alittle bit of a buffer in some ways - maybe not. They both seemed to feed each other's - hatred? Deprevations? Good word - Tbh - I'm not sure how I feel about this. He has since gotten with someone new - she has a daughter - he likes girls better then boys. They got married a while back - sent an invitation - threw it away

Met a Karen for the first time today - zero stars - definitely do not recommend. And she was wrong - she knows now that she was
Idk - debating debating defreakingbating - speak - hold your tongue - it's all pretty much out there anyway - does it matter at this point? Idk - in some ways the fear remains - freak
I feel - shaky - sadness - Idk - let's have a piece of candy and think on it

Today was a bad day. Saturday's seem to be most times. I didn't like the face in the mirror so I avoided it - afraid I'd end up breaking it
Emotional - just all over - tbh - practical in tears now and I'm not sure why - savage comes to mind
I need to learn to not get into other people's business. Support yes - but for other things - Idk - I think I misunderstand more then anything. Like some knight in shining armor - which is so laughable
I can't keep my head straight - I'm not safe for people - I don't even know if I'm safe for myself - just -
savage

At the age of 17 - 3 months was spent in a psych ward. Suicide. Second time. I don't remember much about that time. Bits and pieces here and there. For some reason - I remember drinking alot of pineapple juice. I remember it was co-ed and a locked ward and a girl with fluffy pink slippers. I remember having nightmares and grandmother saying it was because there was a battle between God and Satan for my soul
There was a diagnosis of BPD but that got dropped with the therapist that was seen for the self harm. He noticed switches and met Kade . Said he couldn't help - recommended therapist number two - I don't remember much about him - just that he was young and kind of enthusiastic - said we could all learn together - from what I understand he was pushy wanting to trigger switches. Then we got Doc Z and got a definite DID diagnosis. On Friday though - Doc Z brought up BPD - Quiet BPD. Reading up on it - it explains alot. When it rains it really does pour. I'm like a walking alphabet with all the letters that are going here
and tbh - my first thought is what did I do to ever deserve all this? I'm afraid to ask what else could possibly happen? This can't be my life - how am I supposed to work on all of this? How is this all ever going to work?