Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*
I created this space for me to be able to write - whatever is on my mind that I may not want replies too. It isn't that I don't appreciate the replies - it's that alot of times I am really uncomfortable with the support. Sometimes it's the well meaning words get twisted around in my head - sometimes it the well meaning suggestions that are turned around and taking the wrong way. Sometimes - it's fear - rejection - judgement - fear of offending someone with what I say. Even now - the creation of this is - causing some anxiety - and I feel the edge of a panic attack - so let's take a pause and a few deep breaths
I often don't feel as though I deserve support. I waste peoples time and feel like an inconvenience. With that in mind - I've been slowly going quiet
The TW is because - well - lets be honest - if I'm going to put some of whats in my head and and I don't want replies - you dear gentle reader should be warned at least. Because there are times my head is a scary place -
I'll say I'm sorry in advance because sometimes I do swear - I try not to and I try to remember replace some letters - but well sometimes I dont care and sometimes I forget. Idk - I suppose I should say sorry for my sense of humor in advance too - because sometimes it's alittle dark or alittle inappropriate
So - let's post and panic over this now shall we?
It's been so long since I've written here it kind of feels like I've forgotten how
The break was nice. Right now I wonder if I should have just stayed gone. I really don't think I'm any good for people. There's people I care about here but maybe it's wrong to care. I should just keep to my little section - idk. Insecurities and not so good thoughts are hitting right now
Things are slowly finishing with the estate. Just waiting for the bank to give me a number to start the online banking bit so I can pass that information onto the lawyer. Write a few checks and deal with the inheritance taxes. I did pay the irs because they were sending intent to seize property letters lol. He really should have taken care of it when he was alive
Alive - god it's so weird sometimes that he's dead. I still haven't really processed that. I'm too busy trying to keep things in order and keep things going here
Between losing Tazzer and then my father - the depression hit so hard. I've forgotten how to live - I just stumbled through the days and try to keep it all from crashing down
I haven't talked to his GF in a while. She's upset because I hired a lawyer to help handle the estate. She found out because there needed to be letter sent to inform them that they were beneficiaries. He's saved my *** a few times because there were things that needed to be done that I didn't know about. Like advertising the estate. And that something gotten through survivorship still has to have inheritance tax paid. There literally pay taxes for everything. Total BS. Greedy b*stards. There are laws you have to follow or you can get in big trouble. I never knew
I really thought the depression had passed or eased. But I think maybe it was just pushed down deeper. Because if we ignore things they go away right?
At least for alittle while anyway. You have a good day. Maybe not perfect but good. Your soul feels lighter and for a small moment there is a sense of peace. It never lasts though does it? It bleeds through like black mold.
What are you triggered by? Some days, everything.
How do you explain the unexplainable so the non understanding can understand? How do you do it without sounding totally batsh*t crazy? Inquiring minds wanna know.
It's not possession but sometimes you wonder, when you're not in control.
Sick and tired. Literally. So let's go toss our cookies and crawl to bed. Unless you wanna sleep on the floor. That's no good at all.
Woke up this morning disoriented and wasn't sure of where I was or what day it was. Panicky It took hours to calm down and feel comfortable here
It's nice when the intrusive thoughts come with some ideations. Spices things up nicely
I had someone tell me the other day that I have sad eyes. I said I'm sorry lol because what do you say to that?
Had some serious flashbacks last night. The kind that leaves you gasping for air. Intense - just so intense
Replies should be worked on. There just isn't the energy for it. Just can't fake it to make it tonight.
There seems to be an undercurrent of tension here on site. Sometimes it seems like there's intent to divide lately. No different from the rest of the world really. Religion against religion. Color against color. Nationality against nationality. Man against woman. The more they declare all inclusion the more a wedge is driven in somewhere else to farther some divide. And so many are too blind or wrapped up in their current cause to see what's being done.
Everyone seems to forget that we can have different opinions. In fact I think it's healthy to do so. That IS diverse. Free thinkers used to be a good thing. Now we're expected to follow the hive.
Even here. People used to be able to speak more freely. Then there were censors which have been slowly getting more and more strict. Now it's to the point that if something you typed is "wrong" somewhere it won't even post. We conform.
Others decide if what you wrote needs to be removed. They can decide if you did this or that as a reason. You can't talk to anyone. You can email and explain. Hopefully someone will eventually get back to you. But in the long run it changes nothing. But we conform.
There's so much positivity it's sickening at times. So many of us here are struggling with something. Suffering from some affliction. Do you really feel positive? Can you honestly look at what you're dealing with in your life an feel positive about it? But you know what? We conform.
Slowly losing taste for "Tea"
Today is a heavy day. Heavy thoughts and emotions all wrapped in physical pain. It's been that way for days - weeks. The more things hurt the more tense you become - which ironically makes things hurt more
Having some health issues
Occasional flashbacks - that carry over into nightmares
Been pretty busy. I've gotten some chores done that have been put off a few years. Mainly pressure washing the porch and patio area. There's a few area's to do yet. It's been a good week for it because there's been a heat advisory in place
I read a book lol Joyland by Stephen King - pretty good. Not as long as alot of his books
My father's estate still isn't finished. But we should start working on the inheritance taxes soon - hopefully. I'm ready for that to be over
It's been hard writing here or anywhere else tbh. Usually lack of energy is involved. I'll start to write get two sentences in and decide that's enough for the day and close it. This includes replying to anyone too. I feel bad about that
I'd like to stop holding all the thoughts inside but Idk - maybe this is a start? The times I do share - Idk - I'm sometimes ashamed of who I am or how I replied - often wishing I would have just kept my mouth shut. My head says it's not a good idea to be me - and Idk why
I have a headache. I'm stressed and depressed. Doing things I probably shouldn't be doing but it's ok because I'm an adult. Some days I lose time like crazy. Irritable a lot. Sounds *** me off a lot. Things still aren't finalized. Waiting for the lawyer to finish up what he's doing
I saw a ghost today. In the yard. Don't laugh. I have it video. There was a doe and her two babies. That's what was being recorded. Looking at it later you can see and orb with them. It moves around them. Pretty cool. Kind of freaky. Not sure I like knowing this tbh
Talked with a chipmunk the other day. It was in the garden just a few feet away. We talked about the weather
Idk how to break this - whatever tf this is that's weighing on me so bad. It hasn't been this bad in a long time
Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water.... you realize that your seat cushion does not double as a flotation device
You know one of the first thoughts in the morning is who am I going to upset or disappoint today? I seem to be good at that
The closer I think I'm getting to the finish line with this estate BS it seems the more obstacles pop up. Last week his GF told me that she's been getting bank statements for his personal accounts. The one's that were supposed to have been closed when I opened the estate account. So I made a trip to the bank. The person who helped set up the estate account never closed them. Now the one account is closed but the other one had a hold on it because there were fee's that had accumulated. The bank was kind enough to reverse the fee's but they have to wait until a certain date for the account to automatically close
This week started with a bang because once again she contacts me to tell me she's now gotten a letter from some tax company that some tax wasn't filed. Which I don't really understand why it wasn't or wouldn't have been because I went through the same big box tax preparer that he used before he died. So they had all his records. This is stressing me out so bad and now the lawyer wants to start the inheritance taxes after I explained everything that's going on. So I feel alittle like he's bailing because he see's the cluster *** that's happening. And you know what? I'd like to bail too. I just so done. I've had a headache for as long as I can remember and it feels like there's no one that I can really count on. Ask for help - ask for help - but the people I hire for help leave me hanging and then I end up running around trying to fix the things that I thought they were going to take care of. Things I thought were part of their jobs. I can't depend on his GF for help because she lets things go for months before bringing it to my attention and then when she does she wants to offer advice. How about no thank you? Don't just toss everything on a pile and then go through it months later. Let me know right away. No wonder there's trust issues
Oh look august is almost over already. The days pass and it catches me off guard. I don't come here like I used to - well that's not really true. I pop in check threads and notices and leave
I think alot or it feels like I do. The thoughts never seem to stay for very long. Which is really frustrating. I can't seem to figure people out. Can't quite figure out the psychology of things either. Do this but not that. You can't be responsible for other people's feelings but yet other people make you feel responsible. It's draining trying to always figure out what's the right thing to do. Anxiety doesn't help. I'm always torn on what to do. *** it's that way with everything. Did I say the right thing? Maybe I shouldn't have said anything? Did I do this right?
You know what I realized these past few months? That despite all the people saying that you're not alone and we're with you - look around. Do you see anyone? And ya know alot of us are ok with it. Disappointed maybe but used to it. There was nobody around to help when we're little. There was nobody to go to when grandparents died. There's nobody now. And you know it's ok. I accept that. Better to accept than get all pissy and nasty about it
I see things here I shouldn't. I recognize things here I wish I didn't. And I realize the truth of it. But I pretend I'm blind to it all
It's hard to write here anymore. The only person any of this matters to is me and mine. I'm tired of I'm sorry to hear that. Other than tired there isn't much left to feel. Just emptiness. We can't give what we don't have.
Got a crown put on a few weeks ago. Horrible experience. She pried off the old one. Broke the tooth that was left. Of course it had to bleed and then she glues this tooth in. No novacaine. So now there's even more anxiety about the dentist and some fear about eating because if it falls off then what?
The inheritance tax papers were signed last month. You have to pay inheritance taxes by the 9th month or they start to charge you interest. It takes 6 months for them to audit it and let you know if they're correct. Then the final distribution can be done.
His GF text a couple of weeks ago. She want to scatter his ashes now. Wanted to do it last weekend but I told her this weekend would be better. So Sunday we're getting together to do this. We're not looking forward to it.
There's dreams about him. He calls and leaves voicemails in these dreams. Says things he never did before. I'm proud of you. I love you. It's nice but yet adds to the feeling of being alone with all this. I miss him. I miss his texts. I miss knowing that I had family that maybe didn't totally hate me.
Spent time researching his ancestry. He left his birth certificate in the glove box of his car. His paternal side could be traced back centuries. His maternal side not so much. Just her name in the Cherokee registry.
I think a lot about everything and nothing. Some days I don't know what to think except what was and what almost was and what can now never be.
Nothing's says you're free to speak your mind here like minimizing posts.
The scenery of this place has changed so much. While I always imagined the walls were bare with simple paints now they have fake smiles and other "positive" things plastered everywhere. Just grim reminders to fake it until you make it. Doesn't everyone here do that enough already?
There was supposed to be a chat on grief tonight at 8 but I never found it. Which might have been a good thing because the person hosting hasn't really given off a warm welcoming feeling but that might just be me.
Since we scattered his ashes, sleep has become that mythical beast again. Nightmares have become an every night event and headaches all the time. The sadness deepens and we draw closer to anniversaries. Which is to be expected. Square your shoulders boyo you're used to handling things alone. This isn't anything new.