Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

Today marks five years that I've been coming here. There's been growth in some areas. I never imagined I'd end up hosting a chat each week. I don't think I'm any good at it but nobody has fired me - yet 

Can't shake this depression. It runs pretty deep. Pretty good at masking it though. It's tiring. Often in some sort of dissociation throughout the days. Can't keep track of anything. Mostly numb. Funny how things still manage to hurt even when you're numb

Maybe one day I can write more to explain what it feels like I can't explain - maybe not - idk. At this point it doesn't really matter does it? I'm not even sure I care anyway

Hard to believe it's almost 2024. What a *** year 2023 was. I don't have any resolutions - I just want a better year. I'd like to feel better. I'd like to live and not just survive

I lost my voice - literally - the day after my father died. Still hasn't come back. There's nothing wrong that anyone can find. I figure it's no big deal. I talk less than I did before

I feel dead inside and yet not. I feel bad for his wife sometimes. Because she's alone but yet she's not - idk. She tells me I can talk to her but I can't. She's not aware of anything from his past really. Some things but not enough. It just seems to complicated and honestly - I don't have the energy to try and explain to her my feelings. 

I need to just let it go. Nothing can be fixed or changed. It is what it is. Embrace the suck or it will drown you - you'll probably drown anyway - why fight it? 

I forget sometimes that this is a place of positivity - fake or toxic - doesn't matter. Happy happy - joy joy. The happier you seem the more people will interact with you. Struggle and they scatter. Some - not all. Kind of makes you feel out of place doesn't it? Guess that explains why a lot of us isolate when we're struggling - it's ok tho - just embrace the suck

Fluff! My father put me down as his executor for his will. I think this is how you really find out someone hates you. Talk about a cluster fluff. She has all his papers but I'm the one supposed to take care of everything. Why? Because he was worried about them. This way they don't have to trouble themselves with figuring anything out. Let's get the idiot to deal with it. And if it gets fluffed up - it's my neck and as* on the line to get into trouble. This is something he could have discussed with me before he fluffing died. Instead of us sitting there looking stupid. He could have spent time getting sh*t together. He could have at some point said hey J what would you think about being the executor of my will - no don't answer right now. Think about it and then let me know. But no - here's a surprise for you J. And I mentioned to getting a lawyer to her and she's dragging her feet - what's up with that? She didn't want it to go to probate court either - why not? It needs to because I need some legal letters to take care of some of cluster fluff. Letters of testamentary or something. She said she'd help but hasn't done much except put up road blocks. I text her a few times to ask some questions and she never answered. Something doesn't feel right about this. I'm trying to trust her but something just doesn't feel right. Instincts 

It's overwhelming and makes my brain melt because I'm too damn stupid to know this *** and figure it out 

Test

hint taken. thanks for letting me vent cups 🤬

Just stopping by to leave a safe hug if that’s ok

I've been short on words. And energy. And patience. I'm exhausted. The reality of his passing seems to hit in bursts - sucker punches to the gut. When it snowed a part of me wanted to text him or was waiting for him to text to ask *so how much did ya get?*  

He left me a car. I got it here last weekend. That was weird. It still is. I mean I knew he was giving it to me - we had redid the title months ago. Some survivorship thing. But idk what I'm going to do with it. It's not practical. I haven't driven it. It's insured of course - all legal but idk. Tbh I feel half afraid of it 😅 We call it the Beast and give it wide berth when walking past - almost as if afraid it will eat us. I guess there's some distrust for it. Sounds weird right? How do you not trust a car? I guess mostly because some of the other things that he *gave* turned out to be junk lol. An air compressor that won't run and a push mower. They came to me to get them out of the shed and his GF *thought they married - turns out I was wrong* anyway - I got them so she wouldn't have to deal with them and it freed up space in their shed. So I'm alittle worried I'll take it out and it'll let me sit somewhere 😕 Or OR - it gets wrecked 😅

I try to take things here as they come - no expectations. But there are times when you kind of hope or assume you'll hear something from whoever - especially if it's a formal type space. When you're already struggling to share or just struggling in general and you don't even get the standard bs lines - idk - it sends the wrong messages - at least it does to me - next time I have this silly idea to share - I just won't

anyway - write a book J

What reminds you of your childhood? Scars. The ache in bones that were broken. The memories. I'm having a moment here. I feel bad for that. I've gotten good at keeping these moments to myself. Tuck them away and be strong for others. I'm not a child. I tried to tell my self it wasn't a big deal but the rabbit quick heart in my chest says otherwise  To the point I feel sick. She gave the number to someone. An uncle. Said he'd like to get in touch with me. She says she's met him and spoken with him numerous times and doesn't understand why there's a problem.  She doesn't have to understand. You don't give someone's number out with out *** permission. It's an unspoken rule. She's caused so much doubt and turmoil already. She gaslights and invalidates everything. You can talk to me she says. Everything said is wrong. Everyone grieves differently she says. But thought I'd be more upset. Lady you don't have a *** clue what goes on in this head. You don't have a clue about any feelings going on.  Don't *** say you'll help and then text every once in a while to see how things are going. "Have you heard anything from the court yet?" Don't *** say you're there and then never show up. Don't make someone feel bad because they aren't all grief stricken and bawling on the floor. And I'm *** at him. Because damn him for dying and leaving this *** mess. Damn him for walking back into our lives. Damn me for letting him

Been trying to practice acknowledging gratitude. Some days are harder than others

I'm having some real issues with sleep. Nightmares have been horrible. I get triggered easy. The past few days I haven't liked my face or this body

Things get done. Not much tbh because there's not much I care about anymore. I keep thinking it'll pass but tbh it feels like I've quit. Just putting in my time the easiest way I know how. At the same time I want to rage and rail and not go down without a fight. I'd like to drop the armor and  cry it all hurts. All this just hurts. I don't know how to make it stop. How do you stop the constant hurt?