Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*
I created this space for me to be able to write - whatever is on my mind that I may not want replies too. It isn't that I don't appreciate the replies - it's that alot of times I am really uncomfortable with the support. Sometimes it's the well meaning words get twisted around in my head - sometimes it the well meaning suggestions that are turned around and taking the wrong way. Sometimes - it's fear - rejection - judgement - fear of offending someone with what I say. Even now - the creation of this is - causing some anxiety - and I feel the edge of a panic attack - so let's take a pause and a few deep breaths
I often don't feel as though I deserve support. I waste peoples time and feel like an inconvenience. With that in mind - I've been slowly going quiet
The TW is because - well - lets be honest - if I'm going to put some of whats in my head and and I don't want replies - you dear gentle reader should be warned at least. Because there are times my head is a scary place -
I'll say I'm sorry in advance because sometimes I do swear - I try not to and I try to remember replace some letters - but well sometimes I dont care and sometimes I forget. Idk - I suppose I should say sorry for my sense of humor in advance too - because sometimes it's alittle dark or alittle inappropriate
So - let's post and panic over this now shall we?
angry all the time
Been typing and deleting since yesterday. My father was having balance issues. He called on Tuesday and I noticed his speech was alittle slurred and some things were jumbled. I should have messaged his wife and told her about it. Guess I chalked it up to the cancer. She messaged me yesterday to say he was at the hospital. He had a stroke. A *** stroke. What do you even say to that? What can you say? I didn't go see him last weekend. I should have. I feel guilty that I didn't
I'm running myself ragged trying to - idek what I'm trying to do. Stop the inevitable. Postpone the unstoppable. The hours all run into one never ending day. It's hard to leave the dog alone when she's awake. Yeah - still haven't made that call. Torn. Since it only feels safe to do things outside when she's asleep there's a lot of rushing and hurrying to get things done. That triggers panic attacks and then they need to be dealt with. Sleep for me is here and there when the dog sleeps. We can't keep doing this. It's not healthy and it's affecting everything
Bad news just keeps coming. He had imaging done today. There's numerous tumors in his brain. They're not sure if one of the tumors caused the stroke or if they're just affecting his brain in a way that mimics a stroke. It's bad she says. Really bad. They might try some radiation tomorrow but idk -
@mytwistedsoul
😟
Saw my father this past weekend. He has maybe a month. This isn't going well. There's so many mixed emotions and on some levels such a deep deep sadness. It feels wrong sometimes. Everything I feel feels wrong lately. I spend more time inside
His face wasn't the face remembered from the past when we met a few years ago. The face now is thin. The eyes of the past were hard and mean. They had mellowed and were softer and now they're sad. He walks with a cane because he has balance issues now
They wanted to do 9 more rounds of radiation. It would only buy a few extra weeks if the radiation didn't kill him first. It's whole head radiation. The side effects are horrible. He won't be here for his next birthday. I had made plans for then. Had wanted to see him that day. He won't be here for Christmas.
He has trouble talking. His speech slurred. It wasn't a stroke. It's the cancer
A few days ago it was nice out. The one evening balmy. The crickets sang and i sat on the walkway and watched the clouds move across the moon. It was beautiful. I thought about god. Thought about talking with god. But didn't. What's to say? It doesn't change anything
So I get quiet. Keep to myself. Isolate. It feels safe to be alone. It's not personal. Sometimes all these words are there but they just won't come out. Some days there's no energy. Being numb is nice but there's side effects. I'm sorry
I don't like being in the house. It's claustrophobic. I'd like to sleep but there's the dog. The dog.....
So... a month. 30 days
I've been wanting to write but time seems to have a mind of it's own and there usually a lot of rushing around trying to get things done. Being able to sit and just relax is a luxury
There seems to be a lot of traveling. Four days spent trying to catch up only to travel to see my father and lose any ground that was made
I'm exhausted. New issues have started to pop up because of all the stress. Little things I don't remember being an issue. Headaches are a problem
My father has decided to do the whole head radiation and last weekend was able to walk without a cane or walker. His balance was better. His speech is still really slurred and hard to understand. He says food has no taste. A soda tastes like nothing but a mouthful of bubbles. They once again buy him more time. Idk. There's a lot of mixed feelings about all this. I guess - we all know the final outcome but everything is prolonged. There's a part of me that's *** about this. Does it make you a bad person to just want things to be done and over with?
I pay people to stay with the dog during the time we're gone. Its too much for one so there's sitters that stay with her in shifts. This doesn't sit well but there aren't any other options. She's gotten to be too much for an elderly neighbor to care for and she can't be left alone
This might be long. TW
She crossed the bridge at 3:51 Saturday afternoon. There was no sounding trumpets - no fanfare. And she will only be missed by us here. She was my friend and my family. She was in our lives longer than any person ever was. She was here when noone else was. She was comfort and safety. Companionship. She was love. Unconditional love. We received her ashes today.
The house is quiet and yet it's not. I'm pretty sure the sounds are just echos in my head. Her snuffles and ticker tack toe nails on the floor. Stopping whatever is being done to check on her. Moments of panic when outside too long. Rushing back to check and she's not here. For three years the world - our world revolved around her. As time passed - days - months - years - it became all about her. Now she's gone
Saw my father the next day. Yesterday morning received a call that he can't speak and is agitated but unwilling to go to the hospital. A few hours later 911 was called because he was worse and was delirious as well. Now he's sedated and on hospice. He has days but could go at any time. We'll be meeting with his wife there tomorrow. There's a sense of moral obligation? If we don't go there's every chance it could be thrown back in our face that we didn't go. Or regrets that we didn't go. This way we can say we saw him one last time even if it is beyond triggering.
His wife reminds me that it's ok to be sad and grieve. It's ok to cry. I nod and tell her I know. It's all valid. Every single *** emotion is valid. I don't know what the *** to do with them. All at once or not at all but they're valid. Hallelujah
My father died today
It's surprising at how much needs to be done when death is involved. So many calls here and there. I don't remember too much about when my grandparents died. Just bits and pieces here and there. Lawyers handled most of it. The wills were much more detailed. His not so much. He wanted to be cremated and his ashes scattered. No service or memorial. Said he didn't want people standing around saying how he was such a good guy
In the time we've spent with his family - I've discovered so many lies he's told me about them. I can't help but wonder why he said the things he did. Of course we don't say anything to them. Because all it would do it hurt them. I wonder what lies he's said about me. Any questions they ask are answered carefully. They have good memories of him - why should I ruin that?
Then there's christmas and all that it brings with it. The memories - the flashbacks. Childhood trauma - the gift that keeps on giving
and I type and delete
the world goes on. you can feel it spinning all around you. but you're frozen in place. Am I grieving? Idk. Are you? Maybe? Maybe when every thing settle reality will set it. Idk. Reality seems suspicious doesn't it? What is really real? Cause what's real to you might not be real to me. Is it at stalemate then?
Wish we wouldn't have seen him in those final moments. Can't get the images out of my head. I'm trying to get my *** together but all my *** keeps dying and bad things come in groups of three
activated
as a person you suck. that's why there were no heart to heart last days talks. you wasn't good enough for those. I've always known this. it's just clearer to you now innit? he was smart to walk away all those years ago.
let that sink in J. sit with it J. you know it's true J.
tsk tsk uh uh uh no comments