Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

The weekend wasn't really all that bad. Saturday we went to the feed mill. Bought an incubator for eggs :) We've been looking online at eggs you can order to hatch. Trying to pick some of the rarer ones. There's so many different kinds of chickens! Um - allmost bought a baby goat. Allmost - there are some who are still trying to talk everyone into getting it. The dog would like it - the horse would like it - type stuff. It was bottle fed though and only a week old. It was so cute though but what they heck would we do with a goat lol

A big step was that night - we went out for pizza with the neighbors. Holy cow right? Got hit by a migraine later that made us sick but we lived

I just realized - I think we're kind of shut down. Idk - there's just - nothing sort of? Just here I guess * shrugs*

"cat got your tongue?" Eye's in the mirror. Kind eyes. I look back down and nod no. He was driving and she was sitting half turned in her seat. Watching quietly. Occasionally she would softly ask a question. " are you hungry? You must be tired." Yes or no questions. Some times she would say Does but then would let the rest of it drop. I knew what she was wondering. Does she know? Does she know where you are? She would glance over at him. Instead she talked about where they lived. A house in the middle of the woods. Surrounded by trees. A big difference from where we had lived. A real big difference from the city.

It took hours to reach the house. The lane at the end of the road looked like it went no where. There were occasional "NO Trespassing" and "Private Property" signs along a narrow lane. The lane zigzagged up through the woods. A switchback he called it because it was so steep. The house was nothing like I had imagined it. I pictured logs. A small log cabin. Rustic. But it was stone. There's a marble stone at the top of the wall on the porch with the date it was built. 1923.

Inside was warm and bright. There were plants every where. It smelled nice and clean. They had a dog. A Golden mix she said. His name was Duke. She told him to be nice and said that he can be a little funny towards new people. He sniffed my shoes and pants. He sniffed my hand. I showed him my palms. Empty. No threat. No treat but no threat. He licked them and went to the corner and laid down.

She said she would make some grilled cheese and soup. I could clean up in the upstairs bathroom. She realized I had nothing. No real belongings. There was a backpack in an alleyway. Tucked behind a dumpster. I hoped Teah would find it. There was some food and socks in it. A bar of soap and a wash cloth. The food bank gave them out. It was helpful. She asked him to get a shirt and shorts or sweatpants. She had me follow her upstairs and showed me the bathroom. She brought a fresh towel and explained the faucet. Pointed out the soap and shampoo. The towel was so soft. It smelled so clean. I stared at the floor with it clutched to my chest. She said that special name again. "Will you look at me?" A nod no. I couldn't. I couldn't because if I did I would be lost. I wouldn't be able to stop. She reached out her hand. Slow. Timid. She reached for my face and I stepped back. I regret that I stepped back. Her hand drew back. She said "It's so good too see you." I could hear in her voice. She was hurt. She said to come down stairs when I was done.

I walked quietly downstairs when I was done and made my way down to the kitchen. They were standing together near the stove. He was hugging her and she was crying. I stood in the doorway and looked at the floor. He noticed I was there and said "Look at you." She excused herself for a minute and he said to have a seat. I could tell she had been crying again. We ate grilled cheese and tomato soup. They talked to each other while we ate. They talked to me. It was odd. It wasn't normal. Meals usually involved yelling. Slamming pots and doors.

After cleaning up they said it would probably be best to for everyone to get some rest. They showed me the spare bedroom. She turned on the lamp and pulled down the covers. They both said good night and said to sleep good. Before they left she said "I'm so glad you're here." She said they'd leave the hall light on and gently closed the door.

I stood there and looked around the room. The room was nice. Simple. Bed. Dresser. Night stand and lamp. The closet was behind me. I turned on the lamp and turned off the over head light. I noticed a door and found it was the closet. It was fairly empty. I pulled the comforter off the bed and took it to the closet. Climbed in and shut the door. Pulled the comforter over and disappeared underneath.

I must be an idiot. Nothing should be this hard. I make it hard because I'm an idiot

I'd really like to feel better now. I'm just afraid Idk how to anymore. I shy away from people. I avoid them sometimes. If I talk too much - I worry about annoying them. Or if i bother them. Idk how to stop. It's not personal. It's just me :( Everything just gets tucked away. Buried. Maybe that's what processing things is. We just bury it deeper everytime it resurfaces. Same shit just a different day

I've been more forgetful lately. God everything is so disorganized. Deeper insecurities and more self doubt. The harder I try it seems the more everything spirals out of control. The harder I try to climb out of this shell - the further in I want to go. I thought with time - things would get better. The anxiety is really bad today and it feels like a heart attack - the depression says it wishes it was

How do I stop the hate? Saw the one thread here. I forget what it's called but you basically imagine what your friends and family would say at a funeral. It opened a door and she slips through and hours later I realize I've been listening to her whispering her wonderful lullaby in my head. Playing devils advocate. I could feel the hate *sigh* I'm trying to fix things with her I swear I am but I'm afraid it's mutual. I don't know what else to do

Its not constant - the self hatred. There's alot of numbness. There's so much to do some days and I'm looking forward to the warmer weather - I know it means more work. More work means less playtime and tbh - there's way too much fucking off during the day and we get grumpy when video games are interrupted

I need more hours in the day but I'm so freaking tired and these damn headaches suck

Watching too much news isn't a good thing either I think - some fear and concern - outrage

Idk. I dont know what to do

Sorry - just needed to complain

On my mind - Many many things. New changes to the forums suck and I do mean they suck. NOw apparently things are allowed to be shared on twitter and FB which sort of seems to complicate the whole anonymous part of this site - we should be allowed to decide if we want that or not - but we think it should be a personal choice - it does make us anxious and we don't remember giving anyone permission to do so - so writing anything in great detail might not happen too much anymore

Messages have been an issue - the repetition of them - all day for the past two days is adding to the anxiety. It's allmost humming it's that bad. With the messages - come memories of the person who said them until the anger comes - then the self hate because I believe those messages and they hurt still. So if anyone's got any idea's how to shut her up lol - we thought maybe duct tape but - Doc Z says to be gentle

Alot of worry about wearing out our welcome anywhere - keeps us quiet and frozen in some ways I guess. We've learned that alot of times it's best to just keep things to ourselves and fight with it alone. I try not to let myself feel anything - because - well - messages - the whole how dare you speech I got once - Had something else to say but it poofed. Guess it wasn't a safe thought to share LOL Some of the other messages - make me struggle to check in with people - so if you're reading this - you are in my thoughts and I'm sending you good vibes ❤️

Still trying to get more organized in the house because it's a wreck right now

Yesterday it was 50 - it's supposed to get there today again. We have a winter storm warning for tomorrow LOL! 5-7 inches. It's a shame too because some of the flowers are coming up and some of the trees are getting buds

We ordered some chicken eggs last week that will ship in may - we're going to hatch them lol. The girls here started laying again and we put some in the incubator :) So in about three weeks we might have peeps! We'll probably post a video or something of them because seems like something cute and safe to share and well - we have control of that

Idk - I guess that's it

Tbh - I wrote earlier - deleted it all

Came back - wrote and deleted it all again

Headache since yesterday. Heads a mess - again - what's new right? It's so fucking hard to keep everything straight and I'll think everything is fine and then something gets set off and she says these things and she tears me down because there's a ring of truth. I have to be so careful because it leaks every where and infects everything

He says it would help to talk about it. It feels like I can't. All the words are stuck. There's a certain sense of peace in silence. Peace knowing nothing you say can used against you - a peace in knowing you're not upsetting anyone by what you say - but it eats away at you - at me

I've changed - I know I have and it's not for the better and I'd kind of like to get that J back - the one that used to bare his soul here - the one who shared thoughts and tried to figure out feelings - the one that used to be able to smile and joke around more - the one who was curious about things - allways saying sorry for all the questions

This place has changed too - noone plays the games anymore - at least not that I know of - maybe it's because of the way things are set up on the forums now - those were nice simple ways to interact with people. Now I don't even know if it's ok to admit to occasional loneliness - so I don't talk about it. I don't talk about depression - grief - anger - those have been declared bad things - we don't talk about bad things

Yesterday was a good day. Found an affirmation that was working for the day and spent the day in the greenhouse repotting strawberry plants - it was actually peaceful

Today - a well intended word set off so much anxiety. Because of someone else's words - words that won't leave my mind. Words from months ago. Believe me I've tried to forget them. I've found that when you piss someone off then you find out what they really think of you. Maybe they try to hide what they have to say but maybe you see something at just the right time - at just the right place. Maybe the things they say hit just the right wounds - just the right way that it causes a set back you're fighting to find your way back from. Maybe those words cause you to doubt everything you do now. It made it so hard to accept any compliments - made it so hard to talk about anything - you end up not saying anything because it just brings the possibility more words that cut to the bone - believe me I would like to move on

I've been called an energy vampire - emotionally abusive and a troll - and someone who sucks up praise and that's probably not all of it. Parts of me are scary. Maybe I am - maybe I am the things I've been afraid I was. I try to be so careful with people - with the words I offer them - yes I do get a good feeling knowing I might have helped someone feel better - yes being kind to others helps me be kinder to myself. So how do I let go - how do we let go of those words?

Even writing this - I'm so nervous because I know that even though people leave here - it's not that hard to return and lurk - watching and waiting and I'll regret writing this

So know you know - maybe not all but enough to know why we end up keeping to ourselves more and more

Now you know others think of me

Another not too bad day. Started really rough. Acknowledged some of the anger and sat with it for alittle - talked with Doc Z about it

Did a pro and con list that helped with something alittle - I can feel it still lingers - like residual whatever but I'm trying to keep the tone gentle - that whole self talk thing. Trying to follow a suggestion from someone here in the chat and when the RQ starts up - I thank her and ask her if there's anything else. When it gets to be too much and tires me out - I just say thank you and tell her to have a nice day. Its hard sometimes though - I cant lie about that

Since I wrote last night - it feels alittle more comfortable writing here - idk why and Idk if it will last. Baby steps right? I guess maybe I'm just starting to accept the truth about somethings - finally. Things that maybe we're noticed earlier but were ignored because of - reasons