Let's be honest *no replies please* *TW*

She pushed. I pushed back. I never do. I'll pay for this. I allways do

I knew better damn it. It was too much. All day yesterday and today. The things she says - all the time

Good day yesterday. Nightmares last night. Head weird this morning. Migraine at some point. Remember the auras. Hands looked small. Flashbacks this afternoon and evening. Follow me. Shaky still. I don't want all this in my head anymore

Her birthday is this Saturday. Probably be a big fuss and then complaining afterwards. Never happy. Never satisfied. Idk how old she is. Wonder if she still looks the same. Probably not. It's been so long

*smh* anger started yesterday - anger at everything. Big things - little things. Anger at chores - food. The cat - the dog. Sounds - literally everything. A headache building. And here like an idiot - thinking there's someone to talk to. To write here - I'm an idiot - can't even do that. Idk why I even bother anymore. Can't even fake it today and lie and say we're not alone because it's not true. We're all alone - lost in our own private hell's and too fucking tired and weak to even try to save ourselves. What a sad fucking existence this is

This may bounce

I think I think too much but then I lose the thoughts and I never find them again. Wonder if it's that thing we do with putting stuff some place safe and then we never find it again. A void or a black hole that just eats things. Emotions seem that way too. Idk if anything ever really gets released - it just gets moved away from. It's hard to stop because it's not realized until it's too late

Doc Z says we're pushing too hard - it takes time. I'm tired of time. Too fast - too slow. It never is just time. It's not a race but it feels like it is. Feels like so much is riding on this - getting it right moving forward before it's too late

Many reasons why not much is shared here anymore. Many thoughts on it. Sympathy - pity - judgement. Noone needs to know. Fake it til you make it. If you think you can do better my life - then by all means you just have at it. Ok? If you're not an active part in any of this any more then you have no right to think you know anything. Understand? The rules change. We got smarter and don't share half the shit that goes on. Not here. Do Not make assumption that you have any clues on anything. Which it's a shame because this was a nice outlet for things. Maybe one day more can be shared openly. Until then Pride says to show prudence. As little as Pride is it's there and must be protected

Anxiety is so high today and time is being lost in blocks and being pulled in different directions for different things

And tired. Chocolate doesn't keep the dementors away

Hate. With the fire of a thousand sun's. Hate is no good but I hate. Hate makes me bad. You don't hate what you should love. Guilt for hating. Guilt for still loving her. All she did. All she made me do. Hate for her hate. She loves animals but hates them at the same. Her favorites. The ones that bite. The ones that growl. She loves them. Come give a kiss and laugh as they snap. Growl. Her favorite died. Not my fault. Promise! Just old. I dig him up when we moved. She made me dig up a dead dog to take with. I hated that. I hated her. I still hate her. It makes me so bad. Good people don't hate. I'm sorry for that. Im sorry I still hate. I try. to hold it tight inside. I hate that too. I told here that I hate. Nobody can hate if they don't know you. Maybe they can. Can they? Its ok. You can hate me too. My bean hurts. Must have bumped my bean. Tired too. Bye.

I've tried to write dozens of times but I end up deleting everything all the time. I'd be lying if I said I was fine. I'd like to just sleep - wake me when this is all over and things are ok - even sort of ok would be ok. I'm not even really sure what all's wrong. Life seems to be about pain - Physical - emotional - mental - doesn't much matter - it's all just pain

I lose time like crazy it seems - flashbacks come from simple things lately. Walking down the hallway with a red handkerchief - triggered a flashback. Anxiety rages out of control sometimes and then others - this heaviness makes it hard to breath too and I feel dead - I can't seem to find myself again - I'm just a part of all the parts that comprise to make a whole

Found out two aunts died. One to su*cide and the other one a heart attack. I don't remember either of them but there are memories

The neighbors had to put their dog down on Friday. She had been diagnosed with myelopathy about two months ago and was slowly getting worse. Sad thing is - I was freaking out all day and I couldn't figure out why - shows how in tune I am with what goes on inside right? It wasn't until much later that it clicked. Memories - we all had them

I start answering check in here but then I delete them. Usually after the how are you question. I have listeners that well most are those give and take conversations which is ok - mostly. I usually end up listening more than talking. Poor boundaries on my part and being used to pushing things down - at least until there's no room to push down anymore and then I lose my sh*t but hey I've learned to do it quietly and by myself - so - two thumbs up

I'm finding its next to impossible to get some things done here. Bad communication or something. Its alittle like being on the phone and everything is automated. I don't like having to bother people for things - even if is what they volunteered for. I don't like make more work for people. We got so used to being the only ones we can depend on - its really hard going to someone and saying hey - can you help me with this or that

Pissed at Logan for not signing out of something and pissed at myself for not noticing sooner. Failures like that are taken pretty hard still

Thoughts get stolen away mid stream. I forget sometimes people I've talked with or not really forget. Just the constant doubt of - did I talk with this person before? I think so - maybe not - Idk

Noise well - sound has been an issue at times. Searching for complete silence but it's never completely silent