Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
This whole ordeal is another reminder why any relationship beyond a true friendship like I have here with multiple people will never work out.
I have enough drama of my own, I think that is mainly what my life consists of. Due to all the issues I struggle with there is probably a lot of that drama that I create in combination with those issues. Simply put, they are probably self created.
From what little that I understand about relationships, there is a lot of drama inside that relationship and a good portion of that drama is influenced by societal influences and life in general.
I think my friends have would at least in their minds would agree that I am more than a handful to understand and , for lack of better words, difficult to continue to communicate with regularly due to obvious selfishness in my lack of outwardly supporting and talking with them regarding their issues and lives in general. That was not exactly what I was trying to say exactly, I completely blanked out mid sentence again.
I believe my friends here will stay by my side and try and continue to support me. I can only hope that I can somehow, someday be able to support them in the same way that they have done for me.
Glanced back at the beginning of this segment to try and trigger myself back to original train of thought.
Basically I create way too much drama for myself that I can’t handle. Most days I can’t stand to live with myself. To bring someone in to a close relationship that involves living together, I can in no way see how that would even slightly work out in a positive way. Adding whatever drama that lingers with them to the mess of a mix of my drama, I can only see that making that drama in any possible way fit or combine with mine.
My stomach is still in knots over yesterday’s little experience with the surgeon. Enough so that eating is a real struggle. I forced myself to eat a couple of snacks yesterday. Today I forced myself to eat a small meal that is still not sitting too good in my fat belly. That meal was at 12:30 Pm my time. About an hour ago.
I just before that completed the online survey regarding my experience with my appointment yesterday. I was brutally honest. I’m actually more irritated now than I was 24 hours ago. I am really debating trying to get another surgeon. It may prolong this ordeal which I definitely don’t want to do for obvious reasons. But regardless of his credentials, I don’t think I can go into surgery knowing the surgeon is one that makes me really uncomfortable and overly tense.
I suppose I will see how I feel Monday morning. ❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami. I think it’s understandable that you are thinking about switching the surgeon. My partner and I have had to do that a few times with doctors who made us uncomfortable. Some of them have very bad attitudes unfortunately.
@adventurousBranch3786
Thank you, I did some internet searching on this surgeon and he recently got licensed for individual practice. Which explains the practicing in two different cities. I understand he recently started in a second city. So I am wondering if overly stressed, but either way there is no way I would voluntarily go to him in the future.
He spent the majority of his discussion reading in excruciating detail every possible negative outcome and zero time on the positives.
I am finding myself dreading going through this surgery.
Concentration and focus are extremely difficult but I need to do something, forewarned, the following may be as confusing to read as it is to write.
Anxieties, the rocking, the focus and concentration issues, and the main strands of thought that I can grasp are still regarding yesterday. My crybaby self, doesn’t want to drag this out. Start the surgery process. Start alleviating the pain, hopefully.
I really want to support my friends here the way they support me. To be able to stray from here and figure out how to find their writings and read and respond to them. To learn about them, even though I won’t remember but I could outwardly show my support and that I care about them as well
After all this waiting and stress and pain, I find myself actually planning on pushing for a different surgeon. I am literally dreading this procedure now, enough so that my stomach is more than upset it hurts. Feels like it is twisted in knots.
Hopefully I still have the strength to go through with this plan come Monday.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I agree with the others here that you did the right thing writing your letter. A lot of people ask to change doctors, to match up with one who better meshes with you. Personally I am vigilant of a doctor’s attitude as well and have changed them when need be. It is very important, especially in a situation of trust like this, that you are comfortable. It is also important I think to speak up when something doesn’t feel right for you. I don’t typically stand up for myself. But I notice I feel worse when I don’t say something, even when it causes me stress to have the confrontation. I am really proud of you for writing that letter. I pray that the recipient’s eyes and ears are open to making things right for you.
I think that I have had a little paranoia slip its way into my issues In amongst the struggles to focus plus this latest surgeon scenario I have been trying to grasp thoughts regarding some small things lately that have partially intertwined in my thoughts. I somewhat remember something about twist and thinking that he was my listener. Another thing about something with my doctor. I am getting hints of some other similar things but can’t grasp them. I am sure this scenario with the surgeon is not related in any way. But I think I have been reading more into certain interactions is actually there. Therefore my thinking of some paranoia.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami a square peg fitting into a rectangular hole, don't worry I can ram you in there🙂 the mind is definitely confusing, and overwhelming sense of paranoia when your mind seems to have mixed different situations up, and your not exactly if you did or say something wrong due to the confusion in your mind well that's a hard one to deal with, and probably one of the main things you should write about here in your ramblings. It will help to clear up the paranoia feeling (hopefully) ❤
@Tinywhisper11
That sounds a little painful….
Not clear on what you are referring to in regards to what I should write about . My paranoia? ❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami yeah your paranoia ❤
@Tinywhisper11 and don't worry I'll ram you in carefully😁
@Tinywhisper11
I trust you, however I will take a pain pill before you do. Just in case❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂😂😂 good plan
