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Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
There are so many things that happen that everyday that are out of my control. It’s just like I have become a puppet and someone else, maybe many people are pulling and twisting my strings
@Iamwhoiamwhoami
We put you in the palm of Gods hands and ask Him to take good care of you.
Goals ? What goals am I supposed to set that are worthwhile? Coming home from surgery? To what ? Going back to work? Light duty is nearly impossible at my job. Never mind. Just not dealing with things very well right now.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami well done for putting in a complaint, he needs to know he was in the wrong. You need to be good with people in a job like his, so well done ❤ and the complaint was for better not worse, he will do the surgery perfect so don't worry about that ❤ I know it may all seem like there is no goal, no good that will come from any of this. But just maybe this will be the lifestyle change that goes right for once🙂❤ but like you said, don't think to far ahead, one thing at a time ok? ❤
@Iamwhoiamwhoami in times of just overwhelming thoughts and despair, turn to your friends they are always here for you ❤❤
YYY
@Tinywhisper11
Thank you ❤️❤️Snugly hug. I love you ❤️❤️
I am sorry for missing your messages, for some reason I am not getting notifications. I am in a strange mood? I think that’s what it would be called. Ever since late last night, I have been feeling numb? I am tired of feeling. If I didn’t feel than yesterdays fiasco wouldn’t have bothered me. I would’ve just did what I used to do and just let whatever happens happen. Unfortunately I did that with the major crutch of alcohol. I refuse do that again.
Whatever happens from now on I only want it to happen with the forever presence of my friends here with me in mind and spirit. I use the word spirit loosely, I am not fully aware of the term. I think it is more of a religious or spiritual term. But to me it means that not just are my friends rooted in my mind and heart , they are intertwined with everything that I do, think and say.
Focus issues.
❤️❤️
This whole ordeal is another reminder why any relationship beyond a true friendship like I have here with multiple people will never work out.
I have enough drama of my own, I think that is mainly what my life consists of. Due to all the issues I struggle with there is probably a lot of that drama that I create in combination with those issues. Simply put, they are probably self created.
From what little that I understand about relationships, there is a lot of drama inside that relationship and a good portion of that drama is influenced by societal influences and life in general.
I think my friends have would at least in their minds would agree that I am more than a handful to understand and , for lack of better words, difficult to continue to communicate with regularly due to obvious selfishness in my lack of outwardly supporting and talking with them regarding their issues and lives in general. That was not exactly what I was trying to say exactly, I completely blanked out mid sentence again.
I believe my friends here will stay by my side and try and continue to support me. I can only hope that I can somehow, someday be able to support them in the same way that they have done for me.
Glanced back at the beginning of this segment to try and trigger myself back to original train of thought.
Basically I create way too much drama for myself that I can’t handle. Most days I can’t stand to live with myself. To bring someone in to a close relationship that involves living together, I can in no way see how that would even slightly work out in a positive way. Adding whatever drama that lingers with them to the mess of a mix of my drama, I can only see that making that drama in any possible way fit or combine with mine.
My stomach is still in knots over yesterday’s little experience with the surgeon. Enough so that eating is a real struggle. I forced myself to eat a couple of snacks yesterday. Today I forced myself to eat a small meal that is still not sitting too good in my fat belly. That meal was at 12:30 Pm my time. About an hour ago.
I just before that completed the online survey regarding my experience with my appointment yesterday. I was brutally honest. I’m actually more irritated now than I was 24 hours ago. I am really debating trying to get another surgeon. It may prolong this ordeal which I definitely don’t want to do for obvious reasons. But regardless of his credentials, I don’t think I can go into surgery knowing the surgeon is one that makes me really uncomfortable and overly tense.
I suppose I will see how I feel Monday morning. ❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami. I think it’s understandable that you are thinking about switching the surgeon. My partner and I have had to do that a few times with doctors who made us uncomfortable. Some of them have very bad attitudes unfortunately.
@adventurousBranch3786
Thank you, I did some internet searching on this surgeon and he recently got licensed for individual practice. Which explains the practicing in two different cities. I understand he recently started in a second city. So I am wondering if overly stressed, but either way there is no way I would voluntarily go to him in the future.
He spent the majority of his discussion reading in excruciating detail every possible negative outcome and zero time on the positives.
I am finding myself dreading going through this surgery.
Concentration and focus are extremely difficult but I need to do something, forewarned, the following may be as confusing to read as it is to write.
Anxieties, the rocking, the focus and concentration issues, and the main strands of thought that I can grasp are still regarding yesterday. My crybaby self, doesn’t want to drag this out. Start the surgery process. Start alleviating the pain, hopefully.
I really want to support my friends here the way they support me. To be able to stray from here and figure out how to find their writings and read and respond to them. To learn about them, even though I won’t remember but I could outwardly show my support and that I care about them as well
After all this waiting and stress and pain, I find myself actually planning on pushing for a different surgeon. I am literally dreading this procedure now, enough so that my stomach is more than upset it hurts. Feels like it is twisted in knots.
Hopefully I still have the strength to go through with this plan come Monday.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I agree with the others here that you did the right thing writing your letter. A lot of people ask to change doctors, to match up with one who better meshes with you. Personally I am vigilant of a doctor’s attitude as well and have changed them when need be. It is very important, especially in a situation of trust like this, that you are comfortable. It is also important I think to speak up when something doesn’t feel right for you. I don’t typically stand up for myself. But I notice I feel worse when I don’t say something, even when it causes me stress to have the confrontation. I am really proud of you for writing that letter. I pray that the recipient’s eyes and ears are open to making things right for you.
I think that I have had a little paranoia slip its way into my issues In amongst the struggles to focus plus this latest surgeon scenario I have been trying to grasp thoughts regarding some small things lately that have partially intertwined in my thoughts. I somewhat remember something about twist and thinking that he was my listener. Another thing about something with my doctor. I am getting hints of some other similar things but can’t grasp them. I am sure this scenario with the surgeon is not related in any way. But I think I have been reading more into certain interactions is actually there. Therefore my thinking of some paranoia.
Life is strange, and as strange as I am, I am a square peg trying to fit in a triangular hole.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami a square peg fitting into a rectangular hole, don't worry I can ram you in there🙂 the mind is definitely confusing, and overwhelming sense of paranoia when your mind seems to have mixed different situations up, and your not exactly if you did or say something wrong due to the confusion in your mind well that's a hard one to deal with, and probably one of the main things you should write about here in your ramblings. It will help to clear up the paranoia feeling (hopefully) ❤
@Tinywhisper11
That sounds a little painful….
Not clear on what you are referring to in regards to what I should write about . My paranoia? ❤️
@Tinywhisper11 and don't worry I'll ram you in carefully😁
@Tinywhisper11
I trust you, however I will take a pain pill before you do. Just in case❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami YYY well done for forcing yourself to eat ❤ I know that's not easy sometimes. As for being a good friend and wanting to support your friends. Well honey you already do in your own way. We support you because we love you dearly ❤ I love you dearly ❤ you are definitely a good friend to me, and all the rest of us ❤ I agree when you said you want to change doctors, I've never had that issue. And whatever you decide to do I will be on yourside forever ❤❤ hugs you tightly ❤ I love you ❤
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I attempted to do some drawing today, with my one arm.. I failed😂😂😂 but at least I tried😁 has your headache gone at all yet?
@Tinywhisper11
Practice makes perfect. So that means that you don’t need practice. You are just having a little bit of difficulty seeing the masterpieces you created.❤️
The headache has subsided a little.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I'm glad your headache isn't so intense anymore ❤ your sweet, but it's actually really bad😂😂 hopefully when I can move a bit more, my drawing will get easier again😁
@Tinywhisper11
It’s a modern day Picasso. ❤️❤️. I probably spelled the name wrong. Oops…
@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂😂 no I'm pretty sure you spelt it right ❤ I feel I should say something nice to you now🤔🤔🤔 gimme a second I'm thinking🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔 and your like a modern day🤔🤔🤔dinosaur😁
@Tinywhisper11
Bingo! I am a dinosaur, All this modern technology boggles me. Come to think of it, walking around my kitchen boggles me as well ❤️
@Tinywhisper11
I may accidentally fall asleep. But I’m trying not to. I don’t want to miss any of your messages.❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami awww bless you, honey you go to sleep ❤❤ sleep is important ❤
@Tinywhisper11
I nap off and on around the clock. But I’m usually limited on when you are active here. So a little delay on a nap isn’t going to affect me much.❤️❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami ❤🙂❤ your really sweet ❤ my piggies have learnt and adapted😂😂 I got them treats they like that come on rope, so you the it to a bar in the cage, they all went straight for the rope this time, and knocked there treats down so it's easier to eat in minutes😂😂😂😂😂😂