Ramblings 3

@mytwistedsoul it is but I take 10 different meds at the moment, so it's fine😁

@Tinywhisper11 That doesn't leave much room for ice cream!

@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hey I take those too lol

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I slept like pretty much all of yesterday, maybe I'm coming down with something😕 but don't worry I get ill alot, I have a very very bad immune system, doctors said it will be a miracle of I live to 40, but I'm planning to live forever😁 so far it's going to plan😂😂

sorry I was rambling too😁 you said in one of your messages about me and soul and everyone making you feel like you belong. Well that's cause you do belong here. We all do ❤ 7 cups is the only place I ever truly felt loved ❤

@Tinywhisper11 gives you a huge good morning hug ❤❤ I love you ❤

I am thankful that you are spending some of you time with me.

I Did a lot of rambling today. My head was all over the map today. I am not in a good place right now and I haven’t been for awhile. The few of you that keep in contact are the ones that are keeping me afloat right now. And I am very grateful that you are trying your best to help me.❤️❤️❤️

@Tinywhisper11 We'll all keep you going for 40 years beyond what the doctors say because we all love you so much ❤️

@mytwistedsoul ❤😁❤ I love you too ❤

What future lies ahead for me? I am the full blown version of complete negativity, If it is anything that relates to me all I see is the negative. My negativity obviously is a repellent that turns everyone away from me. I’m really struggling with that in particular on top of everything else. The few friends I’ve been lucky enough to have met here, I am grateful for them, but I am constantly fighting an internal struggle with my negativity and my thoughts telling me if a period of time has passed and I don’t hear from them that they gave up on me like everyone else. Deep down I don’t believe this but my racing thoughts take over . It all plays on my self doubt. . I’m a victim of this doubt I fall prey to it far too often. I know people are dealing with their own lives and everything and everyone involved in their lives. As of lately this is a struggle that I have to figure out for fear of really losing those that mean so much to me.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami hey! No matter what I'm not ever gonna abandon you. Friends are like chosen family ❤ we stick together through the good and bad, forever ❤❤

And yes your mister negativity, but I'm miss positivity, so together we make a battery, a battery that never runs out of love😁 and @mytwistedsoul is the magnet that draws us in with his love ❤ and aurora is the charger, that keeps up the energy😁

(Aurora is your new friend here, she writes to you often too )

@Tinywhisper11 @Iamwhoiamwhoami I keep saying he's stuck with us 😊❤️

@Tinywhisper11 <3 that's right I'm new and it's completely alright if you don't remember me :) I just drop by here and there but I do wish the best for you as well. 

@BlueDarkAurora ❤❤❤

@Tinywhisper11 I'm stuck on being a magnet lol 😂 

@mytwistedsoul 😂😂😂❤❤

@Tinywhisper11

Sorry that you woke up and then read all that stuff I wrote. You deserve to wake up to positive energy.❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami when I wake up my first thought is yaaay! I made it through another night. Then my second thought goes to you ❤ I like to wake up and see that you have been writting here ❤❤

@Tinywhisper11

I am going to curl up and hide for awhile. I’m going to try and stay off here until tomorrow morning. ❤️❤️Hugs❤️❤️

@Iamwhoiamwhoami goodnight angel ❤ try get some sleep ❤ tucks you into bed, kisses your forehead. Goodnight ❤

@Iamwhoiamwhoami I hope you can get some rest Iam ❤️ This is your space if writing helps or distracts you - use it ok? 

I just can’t get to sleep. My head space is so messed up.

Trigger warning mention of suicide

I have a lot of questions that have no answers. It doesn’t matter what that are. I probably have written them a time or two somewhere in my previous writings. The main one which revolves around my screen name here. Is still one that has no answer. Another revolves around my gender identity and that is one that doesn’t matter. Another one that has an answer that I have had since first asked revolves around step-son killing himself (in his twenties at the time), that question was whether or not I was at fault for his decision. Yes would undoubtedly be the answer. I was a lousy parent, because of that I am responsible for his final choice. This was quite awhile ago. But that doesn’t lessen the guilt or pain.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami no sweetie, we don't know what is going on in any one elses mind, there could have been a thousand reasons, that made him decide to do that😥 I know it's hard, and there is nothing I can say to lesson the guilt and blame. Cause I blame myself for my sons death to🙁 but we did what we knew to do at that time. And we can't change what has been done, only learn from it ❤

How can friends I met here who have never met me or seen me believe things about me that I have never seen,felt, or even remotely believed about me? Only through my writings they see something I can’t. How can they see that through all my negativity interlaced throughout my writings. . I’m thankful they do, my self criticism and judgement are on high alert like everything else.

How do people in my kind of scenario (take away everything except the recent back and leg issues) , how do they accomplish the basic tasks without someone else helping, like proper bathing, doing dishes, getting dressed, undressed, etc, etc.?

The temptation to try the first nerve pill a little early is high, but I am sure it will probably be better to take it at the earliest in about six hours. I guess in reality right now it doesn’t matter since I am not working and I have no schedule whatsoever. But morning is when take first doses of the day for regular meds. Might be easier to remember that way.

Extreme imagination thoughts, I wonder if this would be easier handle if Tinywhisper11 and mytwistedsoul were actually here with me each holding my hand and giving their support, love, and kindness. Or would my anxieties take the reins and make it harder? Does that sound weird to anyone?

I am scared of going through this alone. I am scared of being in the hospital alone., am scared of all this. I am scared of becoming addicted to the meds I am now on. I’m scared of everything going forward. I’m scared of every bit of the unknown going forward. I’m scared of waking up from surgery and my brain finally flickers off for good. I’m scared of something going win surgery and I become a complete vegetable. I’m scared of being alone for another 4 weeks PTO the 1st appointment with the surgeon

Before not PTO…..,

Discovering new and interesting ways to make me suffer is somebody’s idea of a good time and with everything that has been happening to me , they are obviously jiggling with excitement.

They also probably are one of those people that enjoy watching people suffer with every breath. They also know that people like me know that because of the things that the person is suffering with guilt from over situations like my stepson , that those people know they deserve what they’re receiving.

If I wasn’t going through all this I would never have believed that one person could be struggling with so many issues at once, Most of them for decades with no reprieve. Just the combination of a couple of them can be overwhelming, but add them together and they make a scary kind of stew. It’s scary enough knowing each of these different issues can be a hairy situation to work through Even scarier imagining one person trying to navigate all of them at the same time. Step up to the next level… being that person navigating that nightmare on their own.

Took my meds a little early not sure what to expect from the new med for nerve pain.

Not sure if new med is doing anything or not .With the combo it has got me a little loopy. . Got up and walked around a bit made it quite a few steps before left thigh and knee pain flared up. Kept moving a bit more and back pain became evident but kind of strange, probably because of the loopiness. Thigh and knee pain skyrocketed , however it was centralized in thigh and knee. Made it back to bed and now the back pain was throbbing pain and at about an 8 on the 1-10 scale

I probably should round up a notepad or something and at the very least write down when I take the oxycodone. . I am very forgetful, a lot more than usual. I have noticed that several times I have went to take another oxy and I don’t remember what time I took the last one . As of now it was every 4 hours as needed now with the other new med that changed to every 6 hours. But at the 4 hour intervals I know that those times I questioned interval it was at least 3 hours but not sure about being close to 4.

My concern is that these are highly addictive meds and I want to make sure I can keep track and try and minimize that risk. I have said before I don’t like taking pills . But with the pain this thing is throwing at me I have had to give in to doing whatever medication is necessary to help keep it in check.

Also , how much of the leg Kai is now muscle pain not nerve pain. Lack of use and abnormal walking/waddling . Same with the rest of my body. All these pains , the prior ones and the new ones are starting to blend together. Even the mental pain is starting to intermix.

The one thing that I want more than anything else right now is to feel the warm loving embrace of anyone, just to be wrapped in their arms. To feel loved.

Hopes and dreams are not things that are in my wheelhouse.

once in awhile I have a brief moment of fantasy like having my friends here actually with me in the real world where able to truly feel the warmth of their embrace when I could finally feel the feeling of a true hug.

Then it dawns on me that will never happen. And to get back to reality where extreme loneliness reigns supreme.

Why must everything that happens relating to me turn to worthless nothingness? I am so tired I can’t go to sleep but I can’t keep my eyes open.

The struggles I face are the same struggles thousands of people that have previously experienced or are currently experiencing. I am sure that many different combinations of these issues have been on peoples plates as well. But why am I the one to have this laundry list of issues that never get resolved or fixed. They just keep adding on and intertwining with each other. I don’t think that twisted is the magnet or I am a different kind of magnet because I attract all of this stuff and none of it seems to leave.

Is it a good thing or a bad thing that I don’t remember so much of my past , and whatever I do remember I don’t trust my brain to have the facts correct. And in the correct order.

This latest combo of meds is the first ones that I remember actually having an effect on me. . Definitely is easing the back and leg pain. Definitely makes me a little loopy . But even though it’s messing with my system, I still wake up after goofy dream/nightmare. . Not that it was supposed to be for that . I was just kind of thinking that it might help that a little as a bonus maybe.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami to want friends near you to help you, is normal, especially cause your struggling so bad 🙁 and if I could I would be there with you right now ❤ what me and soul sees in you that you don't see, is a good person, who keeps trying despite everything ❤ we've all been there in little patches, and we understand how bad it feels, and how hard everything can be. We don't struggle like you constantly, but we understand to a certain extent, and we want to be there for you, cause we love you ❤ I'll be right back ❤

Autocorrect is bad enough but add to that trying to write here with head being a little loopy and not catching all of those autocorrections.

@Iamwhoiamwhoami 😂😂😂 yep I understand that, I've had to learn to type with my middle finger, it's not easy, I make so many spelling mistakes😁 but because I type with my middle finger 😁 I'm secretly flipping you all of as I type😂😂😂