Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
Trigger warnings for anything and everything, not sure what direction this is heading
I don’t like the darkness I reside in. I don’t like battling Suicidal Thoughts constantly. I don’t like anything regarding me anymore. I don’t like the unknown places I am in now. I’m not sure of anything anymore. Stuck in bed with only myself to be with. Definitely the worst company I could ever have. At least when I was able to work I had something to distract thoughts. They still seeped in while I was working but I wasn’t trapped with them 24/7. The only thing keeping me from laying here curled up and rocking 24/7 is this place and the few friends I have here that for whatever strange reason they have stuck with me. I want to completely give up, I am so exhausted and overwhelmed. But whatever hold they have on me is keeping me from doing that. The only future I see is bleak. No matter what happens as far as person to person I would go through it alone. The friends I have here are wonderful people , I will never measure up to them. I’m completely out of focus.
This fog that has decided to settle amongst my thoughts is not helping anything. Constant confusion about everything, thoughts are no longer clear.
There are too many things working together that are paralyzing me. All the mindfulness and meditation and the like are no match for this…. whatever it is .
The last month has taken its toll on me, now I have another month to go yet before maybe something can be done? I am not going to make it.
Doctor prescribed new med. something called gabapentin?? Supposedly something to help with the nerve pain. I guess this is a controlled substance as well as my other one . So have to have someone pick it up and bring it to me. Which for now is taken care of. I will wait another 12 hours for my first one. I will take it in the mornings . So I won’t know anything about whether or not it’s doing anything until tomorrow afternoon??
@Iamwhoiamwhoami good morning ❤ I take those tablets too, they are a new drug out, their actually pretty good, for pain control ❤ we must be the guinea pigs testing them out. Only problem is they only seem to come in 100mg per tablet so at the moment I have to take 9 a day🙁 if you don't find them working after a couple of weeks, ask your doctor for a higher dose ❤
Morning ❤️❤️. That must be another difference between where you live and where I live. I was prescribed 300mg once a day plus the oxy/acetaminophen tablets. We will see what happens tomorrow, later today for you I suppose. ❤️❤️
@Tinywhisper11 They're not supposed to mess with your kidneys or your liver like some meds do. The 100mg must be just where you are. I have the same dosage as Iam but I take them twice a day
@Iamwhoiamwhoami Hey I take those too lol
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I slept like pretty much all of yesterday, maybe I'm coming down with something😕 but don't worry I get ill alot, I have a very very bad immune system, doctors said it will be a miracle of I live to 40, but I'm planning to live forever😁 so far it's going to plan😂😂
sorry I was rambling too😁 you said in one of your messages about me and soul and everyone making you feel like you belong. Well that's cause you do belong here. We all do ❤ 7 cups is the only place I ever truly felt loved ❤
@Tinywhisper11 gives you a huge good morning hug ❤❤ I love you ❤
I am thankful that you are spending some of you time with me.
I Did a lot of rambling today. My head was all over the map today. I am not in a good place right now and I haven’t been for awhile. The few of you that keep in contact are the ones that are keeping me afloat right now. And I am very grateful that you are trying your best to help me.❤️❤️❤️
@Tinywhisper11 We'll all keep you going for 40 years beyond what the doctors say because we all love you so much ❤️
@mytwistedsoul ❤😁❤ I love you too ❤
What future lies ahead for me? I am the full blown version of complete negativity, If it is anything that relates to me all I see is the negative. My negativity obviously is a repellent that turns everyone away from me. I’m really struggling with that in particular on top of everything else. The few friends I’ve been lucky enough to have met here, I am grateful for them, but I am constantly fighting an internal struggle with my negativity and my thoughts telling me if a period of time has passed and I don’t hear from them that they gave up on me like everyone else. Deep down I don’t believe this but my racing thoughts take over . It all plays on my self doubt. . I’m a victim of this doubt I fall prey to it far too often. I know people are dealing with their own lives and everything and everyone involved in their lives. As of lately this is a struggle that I have to figure out for fear of really losing those that mean so much to me.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami hey! No matter what I'm not ever gonna abandon you. Friends are like chosen family ❤ we stick together through the good and bad, forever ❤❤
And yes your mister negativity, but I'm miss positivity, so together we make a battery, a battery that never runs out of love😁 and @mytwistedsoul is the magnet that draws us in with his love ❤ and aurora is the charger, that keeps up the energy😁
(Aurora is your new friend here, she writes to you often too )
@Tinywhisper11 @Iamwhoiamwhoami I keep saying he's stuck with us 😊❤️
@Tinywhisper11 <3 that's right I'm new and it's completely alright if you don't remember me :) I just drop by here and there but I do wish the best for you as well.
@BlueDarkAurora ❤❤❤
@Tinywhisper11 I'm stuck on being a magnet lol 😂
@mytwistedsoul 😂😂😂❤❤
@Tinywhisper11
Sorry that you woke up and then read all that stuff I wrote. You deserve to wake up to positive energy.❤️❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami when I wake up my first thought is yaaay! I made it through another night. Then my second thought goes to you ❤ I like to wake up and see that you have been writting here ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11
I am going to curl up and hide for awhile. I’m going to try and stay off here until tomorrow morning. ❤️❤️Hugs❤️❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami goodnight angel ❤ try get some sleep ❤ tucks you into bed, kisses your forehead. Goodnight ❤
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I hope you can get some rest Iam ❤️ This is your space if writing helps or distracts you - use it ok?
I just can’t get to sleep. My head space is so messed up.
Trigger warning mention of suicide
I have a lot of questions that have no answers. It doesn’t matter what that are. I probably have written them a time or two somewhere in my previous writings. The main one which revolves around my screen name here. Is still one that has no answer. Another revolves around my gender identity and that is one that doesn’t matter. Another one that has an answer that I have had since first asked revolves around step-son killing himself (in his twenties at the time), that question was whether or not I was at fault for his decision. Yes would undoubtedly be the answer. I was a lousy parent, because of that I am responsible for his final choice. This was quite awhile ago. But that doesn’t lessen the guilt or pain.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami no sweetie, we don't know what is going on in any one elses mind, there could have been a thousand reasons, that made him decide to do that😥 I know it's hard, and there is nothing I can say to lesson the guilt and blame. Cause I blame myself for my sons death to🙁 but we did what we knew to do at that time. And we can't change what has been done, only learn from it ❤