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Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
Is it over yet? It has become my mantra. The same slogan or at least the one that I have managed to latch onto the most, This life has been a continuous struggle, after 50 I thought that’s when y to he downhill part came into effect. Maybe it did I suppose. I seemed to roll rather quickly into this burden I am under. This burden that has stripped what little I had left away from me. That has proven that I don’t stand a chance out in the open. I belong hidden underneath that baggage. 🧳 🧳🧳⛰️⛰️🏔️🏔️ I thought I could somehow handle all this, I was wrong. With everything that is going on with me inside and out, I am beyond frustrated and I find myself starting to take that out on the people I am asking for help from, voice raising aggravation seeping in and then I just shut down because I can see that I am in the wrong. And The person on the other end of the phone is just doing their job and following the policies (no matter how ignorant they are ) of their employer.
I am tired , I am frustrated, I am weak (physically and mentally) , I am overwhelmed, I am done with trying. Seriously what am I trying for.
I am so tired yet I can’t sleep. Why continue with this struggle ? I have no future, no true past and the present is so muddled. If there is a god and that god created me they did so as a joke for their entertainment. I have at least considered that the comedy they tried to create became the novel, the never ending saga of the failure
I suppose I probably should try and at least rinse off in the shower tomorrow. I haven’t attempted that since my mri. I don’t remember how long ago that was but I do know the pain I experience attempting that is through the roof. . Maybe in the morning .
The days are slipping by second by second. I don’t know what day it is. I don’t understand the situation I am in
@Iamwhoiamwhoami hi sweetie ❤ well you had a couple of hours rest, that's better than nothing 🙂 you need to attach a hose pipe to your tap, that way you can wash yourself and your bed at once 😁 if you need to scream, scream. If you need to shout and get angry then do that, it is supposed to make you feel better ❤ I did some art 😁 I'm drawing more of those pictures where the piggies stick their head through the hole😁 I haven't took photos yet, but I will show you when I do ❤
@Iamwhoiamwhoami so your pain meds, are not doing enough to give you any relief at this point?
What purpose is served by my coming here , I obviously am not getting better, I am actually getting worse. What purpose is served by my waking up and going through this misery day after day? There is none. Others here suggest it’s a sign of strength, They say the eyes are the passageway to the soul, look into mine and you will see emptiness, a dark empty void.
I have no purpose, no self worth, no control, no desire, I am staring into the darkness knowing that I may not understand it but I do belong to the darkness.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami well belonging in the darkness is ok, and me I belong in the light, so hopefully I can brighten you up a little bit each time I hug you ❤ I think I'm sleeping on your behalf, I've been asleep on and off for most of the day, and I'm still struggling to keep my eyes open.🙂❤
I can’t keep mine open as well , I can’t seem to sleep very well.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami nah I'm not sure if I'm actually sleeping or not, it's a weird day like that, but I'm to tired to keep my eyes open for long. I imagine for you everyday for quite a while as been the same, bless you 🙁 sleep is important, and I actually do know how hard it is to do anything when your not able to sleep properly. Growing up I'm not sure I ever slept for more than a few hours in a row, but every time they put me back in the cage, I could sleep another hour or so, then back out. It's hard
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I think if we could look into you eyes we would see the hurt. Not just the pain you feel now but the hurt that came before. We would see sadness. Tiny and I see your worth even if you can't right now. I hate that you're hurting so bad - if I could take it away from you I would
@mytwistedsoul awwwww ❤ I love you so much ❤ your a big bundle of cuddly'ness 😁❤
@Iamwhoiamwhoami yeah I would of thought so too, but I wonder how they manage to keep going🤔
@mytwistedsoul ohhh😥 I guess in love and hate, we all have same sort of emotions
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I think I'm going to have to go lie down again in a minute ❤
@Tinywhisper11
I am not very talkative right now. Sorry. I am reading your writings, but I’m just not up to responding right now.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami thats ok ❤❤ I'll just keep talking till I fall asleep 😁 you don't have to reply to any of my messages ❤ hugs you tightly ❤
@Iamwhoiamwhoami my carer told me earlier, that most of the shops are already selling Halloween things, and she likes Starbucks. And they already got pumpkin spiced flavoured coffee drinks out😂😂😂 it's not even September😂😂😂 but I guess why not start the festivities early, really really early😂😂 I have never tasted pumpkin, and it looks pretty gross. I don't think I'd be brave enough to try pumpkin pie or pumpkin flavoured anything😝
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I had a icecream on a stick yesterday, it was coated in chocolate. I've never had one before, it was really nice😋 only ever eat white flavour ice cream normally. And the other week I tried a can of pepsi, that's really nice to😋 I'm getting braver trying different foods and drinks. Do you have a favourite food? Or drink?
@Iamwhoiamwhoami ok I'm gonna go lie down now ❤ I'll try check in as soon as I wake up ❤ hugs you tightly ❤ I love you
@Iamwhoiamwhoami it's understandable to not want to believe or hope after a struggle so long, it can be exhausting. It's alright if you just want to lie down but please don't let the negative thoughts overwhelm your mind.
I know you're struggling with your thoughts just as much and the pain is causing them to go even darker but please try to count one thing positive everyday and I hope that gives you some strength and a reason to go on. You deserve to see the better days.
I hope this doesn't sound like toxic positivity<3 You don't have to reply ^^ Just keep the thought in your head that there are people who want to see you get better and are here for you while you reach that state.
@BlueDarkAurora
The only positive thing I know is here, this community, The people like you who reach out to me and try and support me. That may be the reason I somehow end up here when I have a brain flicker. Negative thoughts have ran my life for nearly 50 years.
Plain and simple, the only thing that keeps me going is the few people here who have continuously reached out to me and have shared their love and support that has managed to reach me in the extreme depths of the darkness I reside in. Even though I lack the positivity and everything that goes with that they have stuck with me. You also are one of those people,
Your name is familiar to me but I don’t remember you, I am sorry for that. That doesn’t take away from the importance your words are to me. Thank you.
The downside is that once I close this app and then am no longer distracted at all. My thoughts literally race and bounce around randomly and usually at high speed sometimes,rarely, they slow down a bit. The majority of the thoughts I am able to grasp onto are of things that I have (supposedly) experienced at some point in my life. I say supposedly because once my brain flickers and memory issues, I started having dreams/nightmares that were/are a strange mashup of those experiences and as they progressed and the longer this went on, I am not sure what things actually happened to me. The only clue to the truth is backtracking through my writings here, trying to read the stuff from before my brain flickers and dream issues. I’m so sorry I rambled again. I have no idea what I was trying to say. I am so sorry about this. I will stop this now. Thank you.
@BlueDarkAurora
I am still completely confused about this conversation but I am trying to scan over your writing here and there is one thing that I think fits into my response to you. As far as one thing positive, when someone responds to my writings and/or hearts something I wrote(is that called a vote or something?) my phone beeps and depending on my state of mind brings me back here. So I suppose that would fall into what you are saying?
I am utterly confused right now, I was responding to someone regarding something they wrote to me. Confusion and the rambling is nothing new for me . I don’t understand how I can make it back here after I have had a brain flicker. I think I used to have some kind of instructions written on one of my dry erase boards , but that is no longer. I am completely on my own, no visitors. I think that this community, mainly a select few here is the only reason I am still here.
I don’t understand that either. , given my lack of trust and well, everything else. How can a few people I have never met in person hold that much “magnetism “?? For lack of a better word. There are many here who would probably say to just accept it , it is a good thing. I probably should just accept it, however I have a hard time accepting things like this that don’t make sense.
sorry my confusion is getting worse, must be a flicker coming on.
I’m going to try and continue until it flickers off. There’s no much that makes no sense to me . One thing is why wonderful people like Tiny, twisted, Helgafy, and others can read my writings in all its darkness , with my complete lack of positivity, how can they continually support me and keep coming back and sharing their thoughts and kindness, support and understanding. Why continue trying to reach a lost cause? I know that my life is constantly changing for the worse. These are wonderful beautiful people, their love and support seems wasted on me. I will never be at a place to be rescued . The only possible thing would be for me to be in a stable state of accepting the way things are.
As long as they continue to get worse that stable state will not be attained.
If these people suddenly decided to disappear, I would understand
I feel a strange feeling about these people, a strange sense of belonging? Maybe something else. I think I would be lost without them, but maybe I am already lost.
Trigger warnings for anything and everything, not sure what direction this is heading
I don’t like the darkness I reside in. I don’t like battling Suicidal Thoughts constantly. I don’t like anything regarding me anymore. I don’t like the unknown places I am in now. I’m not sure of anything anymore. Stuck in bed with only myself to be with. Definitely the worst company I could ever have. At least when I was able to work I had something to distract thoughts. They still seeped in while I was working but I wasn’t trapped with them 24/7. The only thing keeping me from laying here curled up and rocking 24/7 is this place and the few friends I have here that for whatever strange reason they have stuck with me. I want to completely give up, I am so exhausted and overwhelmed. But whatever hold they have on me is keeping me from doing that. The only future I see is bleak. No matter what happens as far as person to person I would go through it alone. The friends I have here are wonderful people , I will never measure up to them. I’m completely out of focus.
This fog that has decided to settle amongst my thoughts is not helping anything. Constant confusion about everything, thoughts are no longer clear.
There are too many things working together that are paralyzing me. All the mindfulness and meditation and the like are no match for this…. whatever it is .
The last month has taken its toll on me, now I have another month to go yet before maybe something can be done? I am not going to make it.
Doctor prescribed new med. something called gabapentin?? Supposedly something to help with the nerve pain. I guess this is a controlled substance as well as my other one . So have to have someone pick it up and bring it to me. Which for now is taken care of. I will wait another 12 hours for my first one. I will take it in the mornings . So I won’t know anything about whether or not it’s doing anything until tomorrow afternoon??
@Iamwhoiamwhoami good morning ❤ I take those tablets too, they are a new drug out, their actually pretty good, for pain control ❤ we must be the guinea pigs testing them out. Only problem is they only seem to come in 100mg per tablet so at the moment I have to take 9 a day🙁 if you don't find them working after a couple of weeks, ask your doctor for a higher dose ❤
Morning ❤️❤️. That must be another difference between where you live and where I live. I was prescribed 300mg once a day plus the oxy/acetaminophen tablets. We will see what happens tomorrow, later today for you I suppose. ❤️❤️
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I really hope they help you ❤ I have never heard of those other tablets but I'll pray they help you at least a bit of relief or a good sleep ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11 They're not supposed to mess with your kidneys or your liver like some meds do. The 100mg must be just where you are. I have the same dosage as Iam but I take them twice a day
@mytwistedsoul damn! I hope they bring those higer dosage ones over here soon ❤
@Tinywhisper11 Yeah having to take nine of them a day would be a pain in the butt 😬
