Ramblings 3
Nothing new, same issues . I miss the people here. I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been really trying and it seems like I am going back instead of forward.
What purpose is served by my coming here , I obviously am not getting better, I am actually getting worse. What purpose is served by my waking up and going through this misery day after day? There is none. Others here suggest it’s a sign of strength, They say the eyes are the passageway to the soul, look into mine and you will see emptiness, a dark empty void.
I have no purpose, no self worth, no control, no desire, I am staring into the darkness knowing that I may not understand it but I do belong to the darkness.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami well belonging in the darkness is ok, and me I belong in the light, so hopefully I can brighten you up a little bit each time I hug you ❤ I think I'm sleeping on your behalf, I've been asleep on and off for most of the day, and I'm still struggling to keep my eyes open.🙂❤
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I think if we could look into you eyes we would see the hurt. Not just the pain you feel now but the hurt that came before. We would see sadness. Tiny and I see your worth even if you can't right now. I hate that you're hurting so bad - if I could take it away from you I would
@Iamwhoiamwhoami do you think animals get depression?? Or anxiety??
Yes, I believe they do.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami yeah I would of thought so too, but I wonder how they manage to keep going🤔
@Tinywhisper11 They grieve too ❤️
@mytwistedsoul ohhh😥 I guess in love and hate, we all have same sort of emotions
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I think I'm going to have to go lie down again in a minute ❤
@Tinywhisper11
I am not very talkative right now. Sorry. I am reading your writings, but I’m just not up to responding right now.
@Iamwhoiamwhoami thats ok ❤❤ I'll just keep talking till I fall asleep 😁 you don't have to reply to any of my messages ❤ hugs you tightly ❤
@Iamwhoiamwhoami my carer told me earlier, that most of the shops are already selling Halloween things, and she likes Starbucks. And they already got pumpkin spiced flavoured coffee drinks out😂😂😂 it's not even September😂😂😂 but I guess why not start the festivities early, really really early😂😂 I have never tasted pumpkin, and it looks pretty gross. I don't think I'd be brave enough to try pumpkin pie or pumpkin flavoured anything😝
@Iamwhoiamwhoami I had a icecream on a stick yesterday, it was coated in chocolate. I've never had one before, it was really nice😋 only ever eat white flavour ice cream normally. And the other week I tried a can of pepsi, that's really nice to😋 I'm getting braver trying different foods and drinks. Do you have a favourite food? Or drink?
@Iamwhoiamwhoami ok I'm gonna go lie down now ❤ I'll try check in as soon as I wake up ❤ hugs you tightly ❤ I love you
@Iamwhoiamwhoami it's understandable to not want to believe or hope after a struggle so long, it can be exhausting. It's alright if you just want to lie down but please don't let the negative thoughts overwhelm your mind.
I know you're struggling with your thoughts just as much and the pain is causing them to go even darker but please try to count one thing positive everyday and I hope that gives you some strength and a reason to go on. You deserve to see the better days.
I hope this doesn't sound like toxic positivity<3 You don't have to reply ^^ Just keep the thought in your head that there are people who want to see you get better and are here for you while you reach that state.
@BlueDarkAurora
The only positive thing I know is here, this community, The people like you who reach out to me and try and support me. That may be the reason I somehow end up here when I have a brain flicker. Negative thoughts have ran my life for nearly 50 years.
Plain and simple, the only thing that keeps me going is the few people here who have continuously reached out to me and have shared their love and support that has managed to reach me in the extreme depths of the darkness I reside in. Even though I lack the positivity and everything that goes with that they have stuck with me. You also are one of those people,
Your name is familiar to me but I don’t remember you, I am sorry for that. That doesn’t take away from the importance your words are to me. Thank you.
The downside is that once I close this app and then am no longer distracted at all. My thoughts literally race and bounce around randomly and usually at high speed sometimes,rarely, they slow down a bit. The majority of the thoughts I am able to grasp onto are of things that I have (supposedly) experienced at some point in my life. I say supposedly because once my brain flickers and memory issues, I started having dreams/nightmares that were/are a strange mashup of those experiences and as they progressed and the longer this went on, I am not sure what things actually happened to me. The only clue to the truth is backtracking through my writings here, trying to read the stuff from before my brain flickers and dream issues. I’m so sorry I rambled again. I have no idea what I was trying to say. I am so sorry about this. I will stop this now. Thank you.
@BlueDarkAurora
I am still completely confused about this conversation but I am trying to scan over your writing here and there is one thing that I think fits into my response to you. As far as one thing positive, when someone responds to my writings and/or hearts something I wrote(is that called a vote or something?) my phone beeps and depending on my state of mind brings me back here. So I suppose that would fall into what you are saying?
I am utterly confused right now, I was responding to someone regarding something they wrote to me. Confusion and the rambling is nothing new for me . I don’t understand how I can make it back here after I have had a brain flicker. I think I used to have some kind of instructions written on one of my dry erase boards , but that is no longer. I am completely on my own, no visitors. I think that this community, mainly a select few here is the only reason I am still here.
I don’t understand that either. , given my lack of trust and well, everything else. How can a few people I have never met in person hold that much “magnetism “?? For lack of a better word. There are many here who would probably say to just accept it , it is a good thing. I probably should just accept it, however I have a hard time accepting things like this that don’t make sense.
sorry my confusion is getting worse, must be a flicker coming on.
I’m going to try and continue until it flickers off. There’s no much that makes no sense to me . One thing is why wonderful people like Tiny, twisted, Helgafy, and others can read my writings in all its darkness , with my complete lack of positivity, how can they continually support me and keep coming back and sharing their thoughts and kindness, support and understanding. Why continue trying to reach a lost cause? I know that my life is constantly changing for the worse. These are wonderful beautiful people, their love and support seems wasted on me. I will never be at a place to be rescued . The only possible thing would be for me to be in a stable state of accepting the way things are.
As long as they continue to get worse that stable state will not be attained.
If these people suddenly decided to disappear, I would understand
I feel a strange feeling about these people, a strange sense of belonging? Maybe something else. I think I would be lost without them, but maybe I am already lost.
