Diary *Possible TW*

@hillsideblues Hey you :)

Sorry - I saw you were having some trouble navigating because of the changes. I just wanted to turn a warm light on for you ❤️

I pray that my baby doesn't feel sad and doesn't hear hurtful things. I love you so much. I'm sorry that I hated you just because of how you came into being. But now I can't think of anything that I love more than you. When you come in the world, I'll make sure that no one hits you and does bad things to you ❤️

I went out of my room today to the kitchen

Someone spammed really bad things on my diary thread. Can someone please delete the spam posts. I'm not sure who to ask. I can't see its upsetting and really bad

@hillsideblues Hey you ❤️ You've been in my thoughts for a while. I hope you're doing ok today and I really am sorry that your safe space here was treated so disrespectfully yesterday. They're working as hard as they can to make sure something like this doesn't happen ever again

I wanted to tell you too how proud I am of you that you left your bedroom to go to the kitchen! That's a pretty big deal in my book

*sending you hugs* ❤️

My mom changed my room and where I had kept my things. Now I've been keep on forgetting where my mom kept my things. It confuses me. I can't remember. Why is my memory becomes so bad. She took down drawings I had done and taped on my room wall. My mom said my drawings are messy and makes the whole house look bad. I know I'm not an artist and I don't make really pretty drawings. I just like to draw and thought of taping my drawings on my room wall. Now everything looks so different and changed. I was very used to seeing drawings on my room wall and also where my things had kept. But now it feels like I'm in a totally different room. It makes me feel scared. Why is everything changing. My dad has started disappearing again. He does that when he is stressed out with his feelings and his work job. Seeing bad pictures was triggering. I don't know why people do things like this. What do they gain from doing it. Why don't people understand that you can't put bad pictures. It makes me remember him making videos of me and putting them up. I was only a child. Why do people do this!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know. I want everything in my room back. My mom does this. Anything I make mistake she says I'm stupid. It's all over my childhood years again. I wish I was in college. Why did they make me leave. I know. What can I do. Listen to the figure in my room? I already listened to it and did SH sometimes. My mom always said I'm stupid

I think my dad is coming home tomorrow from his business trip. I was thinking of cooking something nice. I've not cooked or baked anything nice ever since the group home facility. But I'm worried that if I make something nice than I'll want to eat it as well. And if I eat it then I'll gain more weight and my mom will say I'm getting fat. But I also feel like eating sometimes. I think I'll cook vegetable rice with mashed potatoes and a dip and make pizza rolls. I also feel like eating that. And my dad really likes pizza rolls in a dip

I feel like everything went wrong my dad came back home. When my dad goes for days, I like being alone. My mom sometimes comes to stay in my dad's home because she has been having trouble with money. When my dad isn't at home she sleeps in my dad's room. When my dad is at home, she sleeps in the guest room. They're divorced and don't live in together. This time my dad was at home so my mom had to sleep in the guest room. But apparently my mom went to my dad's room to sleep in his bed sometime during night time. Because I woke up to voices of my dad crying and screaming. It really scared me and I went to his room to check. My mom got in my dad's bed to sleep with my dad when my dad was already sleeping there and tried touching him. And it made my dad very upset. It makes me really upset as well if anyone tries touching me. All the screams really scared me. I didn't know what to do. They had a huge fight. They always used to fight. My dad was telling my mom that she should be in the guest room. But my mom kept saying that she can sleep in any room she wants and they used to share the same room before their divorce and he is making a big deal if they share the same room now. I know when I was in the group home, my mom stayed in my dad's home after her long term boyfriend and she broke up and she didn't have a home so she stayed with my dad until she found a home. And my mom was trying to get back together with my dad then but my dad didn't think it was right. They both kept shouting at each other so much. I wanted to run away but felt very scared to move. My dad told my mom that she can't stay overnight at his house anymore. She can visit but she has to go back to her own house when it's night time. My mom got really mad at that and kept saying that she will take me away. She can't do that. I'm not a child anymore that I HAVE to stay 1 week at my dad's house and 1 week at my mom's house, like I always used to do. But now I can chose where I stay now because I'm not a child and I'm 18+!!!!!!! Sometimes I really wish that I was living in my college dorm again. But i don't have a job or college anymore. I wish my mom wouldn't do things like these and I wish they didn't shout so much. It just scares me and my mom's threats scares me. My mom went back to her home now and I hope she doesn't come back to threaten again

@hillsideblues Hey you ❤️

I've an ultrasound appointment which means I've to go outside home