Diary *Possible TW*

@hillsideblues Hey you ❤️ I'm glad your dad has calmed down. I hope you know he wasn't upset with you. Its not good for either of you to get too stressed. You probably feel all kinds of different things and your thinking probably changes from one moment to the next - that's ok. It would be alot to take in for anyone. One day at a time ok?

@mytwistedsoul I hope you're doing okay? ❤️

Thank you for the hug. I really needed because everything seems to be going wrong. They got me off some antipsychotic meds because of the baby. And it has increased all the voices and things I am seeing which aren't there. Even voices inside my head which I think the meds were helping stop. But nothing stops the outside my head voices and the things

@hillsideblues Hey you :) I can understand why they'd have to drop some meds because they don't wont to cause any harm to the baby. I'm sorry that it's made things worse for you though. That must be scary and frustrating for you. I've heard that about antipsychotic drugs and inner voices going quiet. With them being louder on top of the things you're seeing and hearing outside your head - it must be so overwhelming for you Hill and I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this

@mytwistedsoul I really appreciate your. You're always so kind to me ❤️

@hillsideblues You're a wonderful person Hill ❤️ and you deserve kindness

I heard emily today. I just recognize her voice among all the other voices. It just feels different. Idk how to explain it. It just does feel different and I just know it's emily. But maybe it's all my in my head. My therapist said it's all in my head. But I don't think she understands. She should be worried about the waves but she doesn't!! I didn't want to hear emily. It makes me have flashbacks of it happening which I can't cope with. I feel like throwing up. I just feel like my mind goes somewhere. Somewhere far away and I know my mind is far away. But I can't find it because it's so far. I feel dazed. I can't do this. Why is it so hard everytime? I wish I never left college. Why did they make me leave college and section me? I know I wasn't doing well in college. I feel like they trapped me? I hate the facility. I was only there for about a year but it feels like I was there forever. Taking meds every day and doing nothing at all. Just staring at things and listening to voices of my own head. And so far away from home. I've never been so far away from home in my life. I don't think anyone cared or maybe I wasn't very good at explaining. I didn't like anyone at the facility. I told them to change my room or his room I didn't want to be near him!! . I liked a nurse. Idk what to do. My body hurts all the time. I always smell something burning. It makes me remember again and again him trying to burn my stomach when I was so little. Why was my dad away for weeks all the time and my mom drinking and drinking all the time!! I won't be like that!! I like it home than the facility. I made soup with my dad!!

@hillsideblues Hey you :) you've been in my thoughts and I was wondering how things are going for you

Making soup with your dad sounds nice. I hope you get to have more special moments like that with him

I hope you're taking extra special care of yourself and resting when you can

*sending peace and love to you ❤️

@mytwistedsoul ❤️❤️

I hope you're ok?

Hugs for you if that's ok ❤️

@hillsideblues Thank you :) a hug sounds wonderful ❤️

I had an ultrasound for the baby. I wanted to see but I think all the touching triggered me and made me feel blank. I feel confused. But I just sort of know one thing. That the more the time passes, the more I feel closer to the baby

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who sees things very clearly and can make very deep connections. Because every single thing is connected. But no one can see those connections. They just appear to me all the connections and how it's all related. It appears to me and they directly tell me. I don't think I actually have schizophrenia. I just see thinks clearly and see the signals clearly for who they are!

My dad's therapist suggested to my dad to do a family therapy session with my dad, my mom and me. My dad asked my mom but my mom said no. Me and my dad had the therapy session together. I didn't want to go because my dad's therapist is a male and that is scary. But I had to because i didn't want to say no. I've started to feel like a huge burden on everyone and my dad and the healthcare system. I tried saying something in therapy but it didn't happen. I just felt really scared of my dad's therapist. I saw so many golden lines on his face and my dad's face. I can't look again at the golden lines. It hurts my head

Something bad will happen. I know just know it because I saw them. But I don't know how. I can't live like that not knowing. But it's happening. I don't know. Please I want it to stop

@hillsideblues Hey you :) I'm sitting with you if that's ok ❤️

I'm worried something not good can happen because I saw them. I want everyone to be safe. Can everyone be safe?

@hillsideblues Hey you :) can I ask who them is? You don't have to answer of course - there's never any pressure to answer ok?

But we're all safe ok? You're safe - your dad's safe. Me and Wise are safe too. I know that it can be hard to believe that we are sometimes - sometimes it helps to say it out loud. Maybe you can do try what Wise said about a fort or sometimes just wrapping a blanket around us feels nice too - like we're safely cocooned - like little butterflies

*much love to you Hill* ❤️

@mytwistedsoul They are the shadow figures and people who have implanted a chip in my brain. I'm sorry because I don't know if anything I'm saying is from my own mind or if it is from the chip in my brain and the people controlling the chip saying it. I think scented candles makes me feel peaceful. I try blankets. I hope you're ok and safe? No one should come and get anyone from their homes because it's too dangerous

Alot of love to you too if that is ok ❤️

@hillsideblues There's nothing for you to be sorry for Hill. It would be scary - the shadow people and I'm sorry you have to deal with them. I wish we could get them to go away for good so they never bother you again ❤️

@mytwistedsoul Apples are really nice. I think I need to find an apple smelling candle. I like apples. I'm glad that you're ok and safe ❤️ I've not made more soup yet

You're always so kind and I appreciate you alot ❤️

@hillsideblues Citrus candles are nice too. And mint - I love the smell of mint but I have a hard time finding mint candles here. Ive thought about trying to make my own but I'd have to do some research first because I'm not really sure how to lol

I hope you're doing ok and taking good care of yourself

*peace and love to you Hill* ❤️

@mytwistedsoul Mint is really nice. It helps me ground myself

Hugs for you if that's fine ❤️

@hillsideblues Mint helps me ground too ❤️ we have some growing here that we use to make tea 🙂

Hugs are allways fine ❤️ *hugs back*

@NoneTheWiser thank you. I hope you're ok? I think it's very helpful. I have 3 stuffies. They help alot but I think I almost forgot about them. I think I accidently left them in the group home facility in which I was living in before. I like scented candles. They feel peaceful

@NoneTheWiser I am happy that you're ok. I'm also ok

❤️❤️❤️❤️

@NoneTheWiser I hope you're ok. You are really sweet too

@NoneTheWiser I'm glad that you're ok and safe. I'm also ok. I've morning sickness sometimes and my entire body hurts because it has started to change. I forget sometimes what is happening and feel very far away in my mind somewhere. I started behavioral therapy. I've trouble starring and my body feeling stuck uncomfortably and echolalia

@hillsideblues Hey you :) You've been in my thoughts lately so I thought I'd pop in and leave a hug and some good vibes ❤️

I got a cold and really bad throat pain. Maybe because the weather is changing here. I'm just worried about everyone and worried everytime because of the danger. I wish there wasn't this confusion I feel. I want peaceful thoughts and not everyday this. I keep forgetting sometimes that I'm pregnant. But then I really don't understand

Why would this happen? How much does it take for every thing to be safe? When people come at night to your room to get you. When my mom's boyfriend kept bringing bad men to me. It wasn't safe! They will come and get you one by one every day. It's too dangerous outside! Bad men my mom's boyfriend brought to me. Nothing can be done. It will not stop

@hillsideblues I think

Maybe not now because very hard to focus and keep getting distracted

My dad said maybe we can go out. By going out I mean going out to someplace else other than to my therapist or the hospital. I've not gone out since maybe 2-3 years. I don't want to go out because there are too many people outside and too much noise and too many colors. It makes me feel very upset and I feel like I don't know what to do and I don't know how to make it all stop, I just like it better inside home

@hillsideblues don't know. I like it better inside home where it is better and I like it because it is inside home and not outside which I don't like because it is overwhelming

I didn't go outside. I don't like it

My dad had been talking to a lawyer to report the medical facility group home I was living in. Report for malpractice and negligence. The lawyer thinks we can get money from the group home in compensation and for medical expenses. I have to talk about it happened. And I don't want to. I wish all of this could disappear. I wish my dad could stop seeing the lawyer and getting me to talk about it and I wish the facility could just disappear out of my life. I don't want to be a part of this because it makes me feel really bad. Don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to be a part of it. I want it to disappear. But it is not going anywhere. And now my mom wants to talk to me. How can my mom just decide when to walk out of my life and went to come back in again like nothing happened. It confuses me. It makes me feel like a joke. My mom wants some of the compensation money from the facility. She said that its her right because what happened made her worry and she spend her time on me. But I know it didn't make my mom worry. She never even really talked to my before this. She was busy in her own world until now. I don't feel like seeing her. It makes me remember bad things she did and makes me feel really bad. I don't want this to happen

I don't want to see my mom. She always beat me on little things when I was a child and called me bad words. She didn't talk to me for a year when I was in the facility. She never visited me. She didn't talk to me when I came back home. I texted her sometimes but she wouldn't reply. But now it feels suddenly she wants to talk and see me. She said that she is very disappointed in me that I didn't come to meet her and talk to her. It makes me feel very guilty. I don't want this to happen and I want it to disappear. I feel scared that there is a chip inside my head and now this is making me more bad. I wish it could disappear

@hillsideblues Hey you :) I'm not sure how to start this tbh. So I'm just going to go for it but some of what I say might sound ki d of harsh - I'm sorry for that. These are just my opinions ok?

@mytwistedsoul ❤️❤️

It is ok to say. I do believe my mom wants the compensation money from the facility because my mom said that. She said she needs the money to compensate for the time she has spend on me. I'm a burden. My mom was staying with my dad because she and her boyfriend split and she didn't have enough money or a house to go to. She was going to get back with my dad again but she found a place then and left again. My dad tells me all about his feelings and vents to me every time. I don't always have the right things to say. My mom sometimes does this. She makes it feel like everything is ok and I start trusting her and then she does hurtful things and leaves again. I never learn and took therapy to see this pattern. I forget sometimes about the baby. I've to think about them. You're really kind. Hard to accept it's not my fault. The facility made me feel very isolated. You're really kind. Always really kind and generous. Hugs for you ❤️❤️

@hillsideblues ❤️ You are not a burden. No matter what she says or thinks or does. She's wrong - so very very wrong to say she needs to be compensated for time she spent with you. That's not how it works or I guess I should say - that's not how it's supposed to work. What about your compensation for all the pain and harm she caused you?

@mytwistedsoul I think it is with bear to everyone and worries about everyone in the world. Even though it is night now and then it'll be morning and then night again and this will keep happening like in a circle I saw connections

@hillsideblues *sits with you* Hey you :) I was just thinking about you. I worry the same thing sometimes tbh. I worry about all the people. Maybe you could tell the shadow people that I'll worry about them for a while for you - then maybe they won't give you more to worry about. Do you think that would be ok with them? Maybe it sounds silly too - I'm sorry if it does. I mean well Hill - I really truly do ❤️

@mytwistedsoul hugs to you too if that is ok. Thank you for the hugs ❤

I think so if everyone's careful than worries can be less. I see connections like everything making sense and all thoughts join with each other that how my mind is maybe getting controlled. I think I need to let the confusing thoughts pass by so they can be over

@hillsideblues A hug sounds nice :) Thank you ❤️