Diary *Possible TW*

@mytwistedsoul You're so kind ❤️ do see alot of round things and everything starts looking really round every time. It's like all everything the bed chair floor tanked doors, they start changing their shapes. I hope my dad feels better. Anxiety or stress does cause everything to get bad. I feel like there is a relation between feeling anxious and hallucinating more. And right now my mom causes alot of stress for me. I try to draw to help with stress and like just try to not think too much about what she says and does. I really appreciate you alot and so much. You're always so kind and I really want everything good to be with you for life. Huge for you if that's ok ❤️

@hillsideblues Thank you for the hugs and I'm sending some hugs to you too ❤️ ❤️

@mytwistedsoul Thank you for the hug. It means alot ❤️ I like to color and paint and also use caryons sometimes. I watched a video on how to make origami butterflies and I sometimes make them and color then. You're so kind ❤️

I get thoughts all of a sudden that my baby also has a chip inside their brain and their thoughts will be controlled. I don't want my baby to feel scared all of the time like me because of this and careful of what they think. I wouldn't want anyone to have a chip inside their brain. And I would never want any babies to have the chip. It can be so dangerous!!! I talked to my doctor about this and she said that they can see the baby through scans and the baby doesn't have any chip. And if they had a chip, my doctor would've seen it. So that means they don't have any chip. But how do I believe that when it comes to my baby?? How can I even be sure my doctor isn't just lying to me to make fall in a trap by the signals? She said when I'll go to the group home, there will be no signals there. But there were signals there as well! She has already lied to me then. The group home medical staff were not helpful. How can I trust any medical staff specially when it comes to my baby. I don't want anything to happen to them

I don't want anyone to have chips. Please I don't know why it can't be stopped. The thoughts keeps on coming to my mind and I don't think they're mines. It's someone else's putting thoughts in my mind all the time through signals. I don't feel like myself. My dad always worked for very long almost the whole day even when I was a kid and now sometimes he has stopped coming home when my mom comes to our home. My parents had so many big arguments about it. My dad doesn't want my mom to stay overnight at our home anymore. She can visit only in mornings and afternoons. But my mom wants to stay overnight as well and spend weeks at our home. I think maybe she is having a problem with her house rent. My dad just stopped saying anything to my mom now and he just doesn't come back to our home anymore now when my mom is here with us. It stopped the arguments but it makes me really worry. I don't want a chip inside my baby's brain. I don't want it!! My mom said if I call my dad so much and don't listen to her, then it'll make my baby get a chip inside their brain. I don't want that and I can't take any chances and risks when it comes to my baby! I don't want the chip!! My mom came yesterday to our home and she rang the doorbell. I heard it and I think it made me blank out because I felt really confused that what should I do if I'm hearing the doorbell. My mom apparently had to stand outside for like half an hour ringing the doorbell and she then she texted me to open the door. I just felt very confused because I think I just forgot whst hearing a doorbell means. My mom was very angry. And said that she wishes my baby has a chip because I disrespected her. I didn't mean to. How can she wish something like that! I would never wish for anyone to get the very dangerous chip inside their mind!!!!!

@hillsideblues I'm sorry. I don't want to make things worse for you. I don't want to cause any problems for you. I know we only know each other online Hill but I give you my word I have no reason to lie to you ok? She is lying to you. She is fueling thoughts she shouldn't be. She is using the schizophrenia as a tool to control you. She is using your fears to get away with things She knows aren't right. She probably doesn't want you to call your dad because you might tell him she's not doing good things. Have you told him the things she says? Would you think about telling him Please? I don't think she's safe for you. I wish - I wish he would tell her to stay away from you and the house

@mytwistedsoul You're very kind. I appreciate your words alot. You really are one of the kindest person in the world universe in my eyes. If that's ok to say. I think maybe I'll tell my dad the hurtful things my mom says. My dad doesn't know because he is at work or just leaves whenever my mom comes. I didn't want to tell him because he is already always so stressed. But maybe I will. My doctor does show me the scans and picture of the baby in it. I took the scans to my psychiatrist doctor even to tell her about my fears when I had to go for an appointment with her. She said if there was a chip we could see it in the scans. I look at all the scans printouts every day but I can't be sure if I trust her because I don't want to take any risks when it comes to my baby. If it was just me, then it's ok I can live with risks. But I can't have my baby living with any bad risks. It can be very dangerous. But I hope it'll be ok. I think maybe my obgyn team is changing and they're moving to high risk team because my psychiatrist doctor was saying. My obgyn team doesn't want to change any meds that my psychiatrist is prescribing. But it'll be ok. I hope you're ok

@hillsideblues Hey you :) ❤️ Thank you for saying that Tbh - I don't feel like I am but I really appreciate you saying it ❤️

@mytwistedsoul Thank you. I appreciate you so much. So much more than I even have words to say ❤️

It's high risk because of me. Because I experience hallucinations and confusing thoughts. And very strong impulses to do what the voices say me to do. Catatonia episodes makes my whole body ache. But I've managed so far and I hope

Big hug to you if that's ok ❤️

@hillsideblues Hey you :) ❤️

@hillsideblues I think it's snowing outside but I'm not sure because I think I'm hallucinating a few things. I made it snow outside because I learned something by the shadow people that I shouldn't have and now nothing will work together but will join together because it is joining one by one. And the voice keeps repeating something over and over and over and its not even stopping. Because it's coming from under the couch and I should check under the couch because I want the voice to stop repeating again and again but it hurts to bend over so I can't check under the couch but maybe the bugs can check it for me if I concentrated hard enough from the bugs inside the kitchen cabinet that I left open because bugs there inside those cabinets and I'm not sure if they can go out in snow and how are they alive in the snow. I want the voice to stop from the couch but I'm also very curious and want to get to the bottom of it and if my doctor is really poisoning me all this time and I don't trust her and I keep taking the poisons the doctors have been giving me and now that's going to cause a chip to grow inside my baby's brain and my mom willed it to happen all along this. But I want everyone to be safe and no one should go out without being careful and if possible everyone has to lock their doors and remain inside because you never know what can be outside and if you mom can say hurtful things as well and you never know what can be in the snow and everyone has to keep very safe I can't stress this enough

@NoneTheWiser Thank you ❤❤ it feels very tricky with my mom. I keep remembering some things she said. But she isn't here anymore now. I'm glad you're safe everyone should and stay indoors

Thank you for sitting with me here. It's very sweet and I appreciate it so much ❤️

@hillsideblues Hey you :) its so nice for you to worry about everyone's safety - we're all safe ok? I agree with @ NoneTheWiser too what she said about her not having any power to will anything bad to the baby. Shes just trying to scare you so she can do whatever she wants

Be gentle with yourself Hill ❤️ try not to believe the things she says because they're absolutely not true. Your dad could tell you she's lying too - could you ask him?

@mytwistedsoul ❤❤ My dad got to know because we had a big argument and my mom slapped me and I wasn't feeling very well after that. But I don't think she'll be visiting again for a while. Hugs for you if that's ok 🌟

@hillsideblues *big hugs to You* Oh Hill 😞 I'm so sorry she slapped you. She had no right to do that. You didn't deserve that. I'm glad your dad knows now. I just wish you wouldn't have been slapped for him to know. I hope she never bothers you again. Are you ok? Would you maybe do something nice for yourself?

*sends more hugs* ❤️

@mytwistedsoul ❤ I think I will eat some rice and drink chocolate milk because it feels less scary to eat now since my mom won't visit anymore. Thank you for all the hugs ❤❤

@hillsideblues Rice and chocolate milk sounds good :) do you like to drink the chocolate milk with a straw and blow bubbles? I do sometimes :) I'm so glad It feels less scary now ❤️

@mytwistedsoul I've not tried that but I think I will. It sounds nice

@hillsideblues Hey Hill :) me again

I hope it's ok to leave this here - if its not I understand ok ❤️

Merry Christmas Hill * big hugs to you* ❤️

@mytwistedsoul I thought maybe you'll like this because it looks very cute

@hillsideblues Omgosh Hill ❤️ I love it! Thank you 😊 this is so sweet!

I bought a few baby clothes for the baby because the baby will be coming soon. I got a yellow pj and shirt that has brown teddy bears on it and also a red and pink one. And one is blue and white with baby sharks on it. I also bought socks and small blanket because it gets cold sometimes specially at the night time. I hope that my baby is healthy because I've been having some trouble. And also urges to check if the baby has a chip inside them. But I don't listen to that and I listen to music and there is a video of a piano tune I listen to. I think my cheek injury is healing. I thought it would never heal because it felt like my face was burning when my mom slapped me and I cut my cheek because I felt really bad and it was burning! I think if they voices hadn't told me to take out the stitches than maybe it would've healed sooner. I'm putting a cream gel and it helps and makes it feel like it's not burning

@hillsideblues The baby clothes you got sound so cute and nice. I hope that when the time comes everything goes well for you both. I'm sorry to hear you've been having toubles though - I hope it's nothing too serious ❤️ Oh Hill your poor cheek - I'm glad the cream helps

Make sure you try and rest ok? Eat your fruits and veggies and just try to take really good gentle care of yourself ok? Sending you safe gentle hugs and lots of love ❤️

@mytwistedsoul Thank you. You are always so kind and very sweet ❤️❤️❤️

@hillsideblues I think you're very kind and sweet too ❤️ You've been in my thoughts so I thought I'd pop in and leave a couple of hugs for you 😊 I hope you're resting and taking good care of you ❤️

@mytwistedsoul Thank you for the hugs ❤️

@hillsideblues How are you Hill? Are things still staying calm with her not visiting? I hope so. I hope you get to do more things that help you be less stressed without fear of her getting rid of your drawings or changing things. Have things been better for your father too?

@mytwistedsoul I'm ok. I feel tired most time but my doctor said that is normal and I should eat more because my blood pressure was low. It does feel less scary to come out of my room because my mom isn't here and less guilty when eating. I think my dad has just gotten inside himself because he doesn't speak much and isn't home much anymore. The baby should be here in a few weeks and really want to hold them. How are you? I hope you've been ok ❤️

@hillsideblues Oh gosh a few weeks! 😊 I think it makes total sense that you're tired. You're providing alot of things for your little one which is another reason to eat yummy nutritious food. I'm really glad it's less scary to leave your room and that there's less guilt with eating because you've gotta eat to keep your strength up and to nourish your little one

@mytwistedsoul ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I need to make sure that my mom doesn't come in the room and I need to tell my doctor and nurse to not let her come in if she comes. I don't think my mom knows because I've not seen her since. And she hasn't come since. She has only texted me a few times but I've not replied. She says that my dad is manipulating me and he wants me to hate her. But I know this is a lie. Because my mom always hated me and have said so herself alot of times ever since I was a kid. So I know she is the one who hates me. Because she always said it. And then there were some bugs or creatures I can say? Really small ones. Yellow or orange or maybe pink. It's hard to see slot of colors in sunlight because everything looks yellow. And I don't want my mom to come in. Tell my doctor that. Also maybe my other psychiatric doctor who I don't think she knows. Maybe she sees yellow too in sunlight? I've not asked her this. I don't think my mom knows so she can't come. But even if she somehow finds out, she till won't be able to come and I don't want my baby to be near her when the baby comes and her bad wishes about my baby having a chip and all the curses. The only cure is sunlight. I will tell my doctor. Also no male nurses. I'll tell my doctor this too when I see her tomorrow. I forgot before. Only a few more days and I can't wait and have also picked a few baby names. I drank banana and mango milk shake with a chocolate bread. It was really nice

@hillsideblues I'll also ask my doctor to check and make sure that if the baby has any chip inside their brain when I've the baby. Because I just want to be 100% sure that my mom's wishes don't come true and then I can be sure if my doctor just checks to make sure there is no chip inside the baby. Then we can be free of bad wishes. I also wrote it down on my paper to ask my doctor

@hillsideblues Hey you ❤️ Just a few more days! Omgosh you much be so excited! I'm so proud of you Hill. I really really mean that

@mytwistedsoul Thank you. You're so kind ❤❤ I hope everything goes well

Again hearing some noises like water in pipes and metal hitting metal kind of noise. And they're all with big echoes. It makes me feel so many vibrations and gets dizzy. I'm supposed to see my doctor on Thursday. There are too many vibrations everywhere. I'll tell her this. I hope it goes well. I think I went again into some catatonic state. But I think it only happened for a few minutes. I'm not sure. I don't like it. I was brushing my hair and my body got very rigid with my hand and comb still in my hair. I couldn't move myself at all and couldn't speak. My dad saw luckily and took my comb from my hand and put my arm down. We just waited until I was able to make myself move again

I hope everything will be ok ❤

@hillsideblues Hey you :) I hope everything will be ok too ❤️ You're doing great Hill *sending you my strongest goodest thoughts and lots of hugs*

@mytwistedsoul thank you so much ❤

I hope I've the baby soon. It's been past the date and every day my anxiety just increase and worry if the baby will be ok. I really want everything to be ok. It makes me worry sometimes that if it's happening because I don't want my mom to be near me and because I don't want to talk to my mom because she is mean and bullies me and if I'm being mean back not wanting to talk. And the shadow people didn't like that and want to punish me. I heard them say something but I couldn't really make out exactly what they were talking about. But I heard some snippets so I'm pretty sure they were talking about me and my baby and how many texts from my mom I've blocked and don't answer her calls. I think they're conspiring against me! I don't like anyone talking behind my back like that specially when my baby is involved. I feel betrayed because the shadow people have known me since I was a baby and I've known them since I was a baby. Now how can they conspire against me. I feel betrayed. I know I'm being watched by my doctor but will she be able to make all the conspiracies go away. The shadow people are very powerful. No one should underestimate them. Not even a doctor. I think everything just seems to be connecting now. The water in pipes sounds, the shadow people conspiring and hearing their conversation snippets and even seeing everything round. I always see everything round when the signals become scary and now I know that the water in pipes sound is actually the signals finding a new way to get to me and my baby. And I can't let that happen at all. I don't want my mom's wishes to come true that she hopes my baby will have a chip inside their brain. I'm willing to do anything my mom says if she can please take her wish back. I can't risk this at all because the risk is so big. I want my baby to be ok. Why did my mom had to wish that so many times. I'm willing to do anything she says. My mom had said she hopes signals gets to my baby and my baby grows up to be as disrespectful as I am I am to her. I don't want signals to get and now they've found a new way through the water pipes! And its coming true I don't want it to be

1/31/2023-1/31/2023

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