Diary *Possible TW*
I thought about starting a diary place to share and reflect on my feelings. I am trying to navigate through schizophrenia and ptsd and trying to not let it define me. I hope writing about it is productive for me. Any replies are welcome!!
@hillsideblues I hope you don't mind. I wanted to drop off a little friend and wish you a Merry Christmas!
@mytwistedsoul I appreciate all your pictures. They are really cute. You are so thoughtful. You will always have a special place in my heart
@hillsideblues Hey you :) you have a special place in my heart too. You're a wonderful person Hill and I am so grateful I met you. I'm so sorry you're struggling with everything that you are right now and I hope that soon things get better ❤ sending peace and love to you - they kick worm butt every time
@mytwistedsoul I hope that's ok to say 😬 I'm sorry if it wasn't
@mytwistedsoul It is ok to say. You are honestly so kind. I wish and wish you get so much kindness from everywhere that you show to others. You are so kind
@hillsideblues *sending you the biggest hug* 💙❤️
@mytwistedsoul I thought maybe you will like seeing this ❤️
@hillsideblues Aww - this is so cute! I love it! Thank you! 💙
@mytwistedsoul I hope you're ok and you heal quickly - please be careful 💙
Everything feels confusing all the time. I am not sure if things are actually this confusing it if it is just me. I always forget what I am doing or what I am going to do. I feel blank and then I cannot remember. I do not know how to fix this
I have been seeing things again. Not sure what to believe but I do not want to d*ie. The people I see (I think they are not real), they keep saying that and my heart beats so fast. They say that they will make it beat even faster until it stops. It makes me feel scared. I have this voice saying that they are they people who control the waves and signals. But this voice said before it was the shadow people and now these people. I do not understand but I do not want to d*ie
It is like a circle again. In the center of my room. On the ceiling and all those people around it. I cannot look up because I see them. It feels like my heart keeps beating faster and faster and I am not sure if they are making it to do that. I think they are
I cannot even move from my bed because of the worms in the floor. The voice said they can get inside my skin if I step on them and they will also make my heart beat faster. I do not know why the signals are after me. I cannot take this anymore that I have to worry all the time
I do not know why the signal people are after me. But no one is safe because signals can go anywhere!! I tried telling this to the nurse that she has to hide before the signals get her too. But she does not listens and she does not believes me!! It will be all my fault if something happens to her because of the signals. I am trying to warn everyone I know at the group home because I do not want the signals to get to anyone
Because of the circle and the people around it they will do something
My doctor is trying to isolate me from others in the group home. He is blaming me that I am creating panic in the group home. I am not and I do not want anyone to panic. I want to stop myself from panicking. I only have been trying to tell everyone I know or see in the group home about the people in the circle and the signals. Because I do not want to be the reason they get to anyone and hurt them to. I do not want to create panic. I am not sure where this is going. The nurse says that it cannot come here but how do I believe that when I keep hearing it and keep getting thoughts in my head. I feel alot of physical pain but it could be just in my head
I wish my dad could visit again. I miss seeing him
Something broke yesterday. I fell and it broke. But it is healing. The voices are quite for now. Very quite. I feel scared that something will happen because why are they quite
There is a voice who calls herself emily. Emily has been speaking things go me for so long ever since I was still a teenager. I thought it was all in my head. Maybe it is all in my head. But it is everywhere. And she always says horrible things which I do not want to hear
The people never go away and now they are going to be closer to the circle light. I cannot seem to make it all go away. I do not know where to look. Everywhere something and my mind constantly fighting trying to understand what am I seeing. I just want peace. Not this constant delusional battle or fits
My body seems to have a mind of its own because it becomes too rigid suddenly. Why aren't my medications working to help me. What is even happening. What is my future. Am I going to spend the rest of my life in this group home. If I am than I do not want this kind of life
Bad voices again. I keep hallucinating. I don't know what I am seeing. But I cannot do this anymore. It is not the way I want to live. He should have hurt me once and for all there and then when I was a child. Then I would not be even here. It is my fault they abused me. Stuck in my own head. I am exhausted mentally. The constant headaches and involuntarily movements. I cannot even control myself. Need a nurse every time to help me move myself when I become rigid and cannot move. My mom always hated me anyways. And her ex boyfriend. I cannot even talk about him. It is my fault. I just feel like a burden on the health care system group home and a burden on my dad's time
@hillsideblues Hey you :) I hope you don't mind a reply and you don't have to reply back of you don't want to ok? 💙 I wish with all my heart that things would get better for you. None of this is your fault - it's not your fault they abused you - you didn't ask for it and you didn't deserve it - not one bit
I was thinking but I might have been thinking wrong and well - I have a question but you don't have to answer it ok? When things started getting worse - they had changed your meds because something with them was wrong? I might have it wrong too and I'm sorry if I shouldn't be asking - but can't they put you back on them? Things seemed better for you before they did
And I'm really really sorry if asking that or bring it up upsets you or hurts you in anyway - that's the very last thing I want
* leaving a big hug - no pressure though ok?* You are NOT a burden - not to anyone or for anything - you didn't ask for any of this and you deserve the opportunity to get better
*peace and love to you Hill❤*
@mytwistedsoul Thank you. This honestly means so much ❤️
I try to tell myself that it wasn't my fault. I hope I can actually believe it some day
I had a bipolar diagnosis first when I first went to see a doctor. That quickly got changed to schizophrenia diagnosis. And when I got admitted to this group home facilities, it got changed to schizophrenia with catatonia. I have had catatonia symptoms before but I think I did not recognize them as something not normal before. And I know the catatonia has increased ever since I got here. I don't know if it's because of my meds or my overall mental health
I don't understand. Sometimes I get confused with big words. So I have been trusting my doctor with it and I try to be as honest and as explainatory possible in describing my symptoms and feelings. I take mood stabilizers, anti depressants, anti psychotics. They did switch up my meds when I first got admitted here and they still continue switching them up and increasing dose. Maybe I do need to go to my original dose. No combination seems to work and I am really tired. My doctor said I might be resistant to medication and if I don't respond to drug therapy well then ECT therapy will be the next step
They have not started ECT therapy yet because of a complication with my heart. I have had couple of ECG and other tests here and it reads as abnormal. My other diagnosis is brugada syndrome. I do not have a family history of it that I know of so my doctor thinks that it is the abnormal chemicals in my brain causing my heart rate to be abnormal. Whatever mutations I have in my genes. So he took out some meds that have any risks on effecting my heart beat and replaced it with new meds. I have also gotten severely underweight
I have been getting palpitations and blackouts sometimes which are now monitored by a nurse in case I go into cardiac arrest. And I am supposed to report any dizziness immediately. But sometimes hard to make sense with the voices I hear and my tongue feels locked. I want to say something else but keep repeating. I don't understand
@hillsideblues I think it helps sometimes to hear it from people outside of us - it's reassuring maybe - because it can be so easy to convince ourselves otherwise
Do they talk to your father about this stuff - to tell him what they're doing - things they're changing - he cares about you - so he could maybe help you understand better? Maybe there was something different you were taking when they thought it was bipolar - Idk - something that made the symptoms milder? I'm glad they're not taking any risks when it comes to your heart. Hopefully you don't lose too much weight - because that can mess things up too. Maybe you could ask your dad to bring you a treat when he visits? Something you really like? Would there be a word you could arrange with the nurses or maybe even a color you could show or point to when you feel dizzy and can't get the words out?
All this must be scary - you're so brave Hill! I hope you know that 💙
I keep you in my thoughts and I send you peace and love every day and hope that they find something that helps you feel better
*leaving you a safe gentle hug* no pressure though ok?
@mytwistedsoul Thank you so much ❤️
I think they tell my dad. I never asked him about this. I was labelled "intellectually disabled" and " limited mental capacity" by a doctor when i first dtarted getting help. I am under a conservatorship that my dad got. Both my parents have the legal authority to make medical decisions about me. My dad is more involved. I don't think my mom really likes me because I can never be the person she wanted me to be. I was 13 when I first asked my mom if she can take me to a doctor because I was hearing and seeing things and felt scared. But my mom thought I was making up excuses to not do my school homework and never took me to any doctor then. I finally got enough courage to share it with my dad about the voices and he took me to a doctor. It was just very slow from there then because I think I wasn't completely honest because I felt so ashamed and how can I get help if I am not completely honest
I never thought of making a sign or a gesture for when I am feeling dizzy to tell the nurse. I think I will do that because it sounds easier
I do feel scared because of it all. I feel like I don't want to lose myself. It doesn't even feel like my thoughts and I get very caught up in my own head. I think. I am very afraid I will end up living my whole life stuck in my head. The heart issues scares me. Voices say that I deserve it because of my involvements in my own childhood abuse
I am sorry I began just unloading it all on here. Hugs for you too, if that's ok. I deeply wish for so many blessings for you ❤️
@hillsideblues Please don't be sorry for talking here - this is your space and I care about you. You can talk as little or as much as you want ok? I worry that maybe I ask too many questions and I don't want to overstep or overwhelm you. I disagree with the doctor - I think you are smart. There's probably alot of things outside your control that mess with your focus - I know mine gets screwed up all the time
I'm glad you have your father in your corner and that he's involved in helping you make decisions. Maybe you could try to talk or even write to him - sometimes writing things is easier than talking - that way he knows what you're thinking too? As for your - other parent - she should enjoy you for who you are - not who she thinks you should be. Maybe if she would have done something for you sooner - and not ignored or made excuses for what you were telling her - maybe they could have done something to help sooner. It makes sense to me why you would have hesitated to tell the doctor the truth - because look what happened the first time you tried with her
I can understand that fear - tbh it's something I worry about too or something similar anyway. Your heart troubles would be really scary and I hope it gets better
Those voices are telling lies - that's not true at all. You don't deserve any of this - none of this is your fault - you were a kid and the adults in your life were supposed to take care of you and keep you safe. Its the adults that are to blame - not you
Thank you - I really needed that hug today 💙
@mytwistedsoul Seeing shadow people again and circles so I cannot move anywhere there because it
@hillsideblues I wish there was something we could do so that the shadow people and circles would leave you alone 💙 It's not fair that you have to deal with them
@mytwistedsoul ❤️
@hillsideblues Hey you :) ❤
@mytwistedsoul I am counting all the circles on the floor. There are so many and its taking me so long but if I do this then it can be prevented
@hillsideblues I'm sure you're doing a great job :) Is it ok to ask what it will prevent?
@mytwistedsoul It'll prevent my eye from coming out because there is something there. I injured myself last week. I don't eat it. How will I see
@hillsideblues That is a very good thing to prevent! Eye's are really important because like you said - how would you see
I'm sorry to hear you got injured last week - I hope it wasn't anything serious and you're healing. Be careful ok?
*leaving you a safe gentle hug and sending you peace and love* ❤️
@mytwistedsoul I am sorry I don't know what am I saying. It feels very confusing about it and I am trying
@hillsideblues Hey you :) please don't be sorry ok? There's nothing to be sorry for and - I'm sorry you're confused - but it's ok here ok? It's ok here with me but don't feel pressured to talk with me
Tbh - It makes me so happy to see your name pop up - because - well - then I know you're kind of ok
*safe hugs* You're in my thoughts ❤
My mom and dad had an argument. That is what my dad said last time when I saw him. My mom went to live with him after her ex boyfriend broke up with her. My mom was smoking drug again. I know my dad has always wanted her to stop using. And it brought up old arguments between them
Now my mom moved out of my dad's place because she got her own place. I wish my mom did not smoke. I am no one to judge. But I wish it was different
My dad told me that he has been thinking about seeing a therapist. I hope therapy helps him if he decides. It is only when my dad talks to me and tells me about what is happening at home and tell me what is happening at my college, it is only then I feel less alone
My chest has been hurting so much since yesterday and difficulty breathing. Down there hurts because of flashbacks. I cannot take all this pain anymore. The pain in my chest feels really sharp and makes my head hurt. Maybe the shadow people are finally here to get me. For all the time I have spend running away from them and shielding my mind from them, they are finally here to get me. The irony
@hillsideblues You have been in my thoughts and I hope you said something to your doctor or a nurse about this. I hope you're feeling better - it sounds really scary ❤
@hillsideblues You have been on my mind the past few days - so I thought i'd stop in and leave a hug for you ❤
@hillsideblues Hey You :) Just wanted to drop off a friend to wish you a Happy St. Patricks day! Not really a big holiday as far as holiday's go lol
You're in my thoughts ❤️
@mytwistedsoul It always feels so nice to see your screen name. You're always beyond nice and so kind
I have not been on here for so long. I think I totally forgot this place was here. Everything has been very scary lately and I only have the voices to talk to. One of them said her name is emma. She speaks the most coherent sentences anyways that I can understand over all the noise. I do not know where everyone is
@hillsideblues Hey you :) ❤️ I was so happy to see you pop up in my notices! I'm sorry everything is so scary lately and that there's only the voices to talk to. It gets lonely I bet :( Maybe you could make a sign or picture that has 7cups on it? Maybe that would help you remember that there are people that care about you and maybe you won't feel as scared? IS Emma friendly or at least not as mean as the other voices? Could she maybe help so that things aren't scary? Maybe Emma is keeping the others away?
*safe hugs and much love to you Hill ❤️*
@mytwistedsoul Emma seems nice but I am unsure because none of the voices have ever been nice to me. They always are saying horrible things about me and awful things. Always shouting and saying things I do not understand. But Emma seems kind and she has been reminding me when to eat as well because I always forget
@hillsideblues I think I would feel unsure about that too. For me it would be like the RQ suddenly saying something nice. It's good that she's been helpful with reminding you to eat and really great that she's being kind. Have you tried to talk to her any? I'm sorry if this comes out the wrong way - but do you hear her from inside yourself or outside?
@mytwistedsoul Sometimes I hear voices from inside my head and sometimes from outside my head. Some feel outside and very far away everyone speaking at once. Emily feels like inside my head. She helped me yesterday to tell me if the bugs I am seeing on my floor are actually there or not
@hillsideblues That's probably kind of confusing at times trying to figure out which is inside or not. Have any of your doctors given any thought about about DID? Maybe that would help explain why things are worse sometimes. They can be co-morbid and there's some similarities between the two and DID can be confused for schizophrenia. And DID can be hard to diagnose - probably even more hard if the doctors allready have their minds made up about one diagnosis
Emily sounds like a real big help though - especially if she's letting you know whether something is really there or not. If you want - tell her thank you - from me - for being there to help you. No pressure though ok? ❤️
*Hugs to you Hill and Emily - if she'd like one*
@mytwistedsoul Thank you ❤ I think Emily would like the hug
My doctors never diagnosed me with DID. But maybe it explains some of the voices. I don't think they ever changed their diagnosis over all the years. I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder and then with schizophrenia when I was 16 which was made "formal" when I turned legally an adult. None the doctors I've had afterwards changed or looked into my diagnosis again much. But added catatonia to it. Emily is the nicest voice I've ever had and makes me forget about bad stuff for a while
Is it better there? Than the other place? If you dont mind my asking of course. I'm glad Emily is there to help you and that she helps you forget about the bad stuff for awhile. Tell her thank you for me please?
You're in my thoughts - sending you and Emily peace
@mytwistedsoul It feels really bad here. I am not sure where everyone goes. I had to count all the dots on my blanket but I messed it up again like everything. I tried to count. I think I scared Emily away. All places are bad. I have not talked in a very long. It feels like. I stay in my room every time. My dad stopped visiting. I don't know where he is. I think my brain feels foggy all the time and very hard to understand and think. I don't want to look at people face anymore because I still keep seeing their eyes or lips getting very large. I don't like it and makes me feel afraid. I feel alone here. I want to leave and go back to my home but they don't let me
You can call your dad Hill ok? Maybe he's just been really busy with work or maybe he had a business trip. I know if my head is foggy or I have a hard time thinking - I forget things. Maybe he told you he couldn't come visit for alittle and you forgot?
That is scary - seeing someone's eyes or lips get big. That would scare me too. I know sometimes I can be afraid to look at people too - sometimes it helps if I can keep my eyes hidden from theirs - like with dark sunglasses - maybe that would be something that could help you too. I mean - it's not quite the same but maybe it could help
I'm sorry you feel alone :( That's a feeling I know too well and it's hard to feel that way all the time. I know it's not much but I'm here for you - even though it's just online - I'm here. I care about you and I can't tell you how glad I am that I got the chance to know you and I wish so many good things for you
*leaving a big safe hug - no pressure though*
Peace and love to you Hill ❤️
@mytwistedsoul You are always so kind. I think you are the kindest person I have ever met anywhere. I call and text my dad sometimes. He hasn't been replying. Maybe he is busy. He is always really busy. I remember now he said that he is starting therapy. I'm not sure if he started it. I finally asked the nurse if I can have a new blanket because it is making me count all the dots
@hillsideblues Hey you :) *big safe hug* I'm allways so happy to see you pop up in my notices ❤️
I'm so glad you asked for a different blanket! I think the fact that you asked says alot too. Like you were - proactive about it :) It was causing trouble so you asked to change it. I hope it helped :)
If your dad started therapy himself - he might just be working through things. I know that I withdraw when I'm going through things. Plus with work and chores he probably gets tired and maybe falls asleep. I'm really glad you're still emailing and texting him though and I hope you hear from him soon :)
I hope you don't mind my asking if the catatonia is better and how things are with your heart - I remember you were having some trouble ❤️
Peace and love to you Hill
@mytwistedsoul I think it is ok. Sometimes I have seizures but I get ok afterwards. It is mostly at night time when I am trying to sleep that I find it hard very hard to breathe all of a sudden. I'm not sure about my body because it gets very rigid all of a sudden sometimes very stiff. It happens in different positions and I don't even remember my body getting into that position and going rigid. I try moving but my mind feels foggy and I can't. The nurse helps me put back my arms legs in resting position when it gets very rigid. I don't want anyone to touch me but I think I've started to feel ok if that one nurse does it when I get rigid. But I don't want anyone else to. I think I get very confused sometimes when speaking and writing. I know sometimes I repeat sentences of someone talking to me. I try not to but it happens without even thinking
I hope you've been ok. I hope you've support too. My living in group home facility and sometimes having psychosis episodes I think, all are overwhelming. And you've been so kind to me through it when not alot of people in my life have. I really wish the best for you. You deserve everything nice, if that's ok to say
❤️❤️
Going ridged like that and being unable to move must be frustrating and scary. And to not want to be touched by yet they have to to get you in a more comfortable and safe position. I'm glad that there's a nurse you're feeling more comfortable with - I just wish you weren't going through this. I get confused sometimes when I write or speak sometimes - everything just disappears from my head. It gets so frustrating. I'm sure those people know you don't mean to repeat what they're saying. Somethings just happen and there's nothing we can do to stop them
You deserve kindness. You're my friend and I care about you. I'm not here for just the good times ❤️ You deserve good things too and I wish and hope that this gets better for you. That the meds get figured out and you no longer have to deal with everything you have to deal with
A gentle reminder too ok? This is your space and I don't ever want you to feel you have to reply to me ok? I mean - I allways like talking with you but sometimes we just need to write for ourselves
Peace and love to you Hill ❤️
@mytwistedsoul ❤️❤️
You're so kind ❤️❤️
The nurse also said the same thing and I sleep with my head lifted up. I accidently choked on my vomit once it happened at night and I was too scared to move. The nurse said it won't happen again if I sleep with my head lifted more upwards. They think seizures is also a schizophrenia symptom. I feel like something is wrong with my brain. My seizures were more violent before and I always passed out after. But now I don't pass out. I think the meds are helping
@hillsideblues Hey you :) That would be scary. I'm glad the nurse said it would help too. I worry sometimes with things I say. Is this the same nurse you're comfortable with?
I think I had read that seizures were a symptom and it just doesn't seem fair. That there has to be so much stuff mixed in with everything else
Hey that's great that its helping! I know it takes awhile for things to get figured out with meds and adjustments made - it's so awesome that you're noticing some things that are better. I hope one day the seizures stop all together
Peace and love to you Hill❤️