Diary *Possible TW*

What will happen to everyone in the world. I worry because of the signals and the shadow people told me. They made me see the futures which makes me worry more

@hillsideblues They are still there and would not go away. They keep on talking. It is never quite. I would love some peace and quite. I would love for them to go away. I took my prescribed medication but they still are not leaving me alone.

@yushuo how are you?

The voices here are really bad too and I'm seeing someone in my room. How are you? I think the corners

I wish it can be peace and quite for you. Hearing voices can really make it too much. Do you've things that you do that helps you with hearing voices? I used to talk back to them sometimes but now I just try starring really hard

My mom visited but I didnt want to see her. I feel like I was forced to see her and she didn't like anything I was doing. She didn't like how I had kept my room. She said that I've gotten really fat and when she was pregnant she was in a much better shape than me. I'm conscious about how I look and don't even eat much. I don't know how this happens then. I want to do better. But have been hearing alot of voices since then and seeing someone constantly in my room that lets me go out anywhere. Because worries what they'll do. I think the figure in my room made me see the future through the signals. I wish it could all stop. My mom doesn't like anything I do and she never will

@hillsideblues the figure doesn't even move. Always stays there in the corner doing nothing and making me do nothing if it's day or night or day again and then night

@NoneTheWiser Yes he made me see the future and I didn't like it. I'm not sure how I feel. I see my mom. It's always the same things. You're very understanding and thank you for hearing me

A hug for you if that's ok

@hillsideblues Hey you :)

Sorry - I saw you were having some trouble navigating because of the changes. I just wanted to turn a warm light on for you ❤️

@mytwistedsoul Thank you for your kindness. I try with my mom. You're really kind. You come in my mind and I wish all the good things for you. Idk if they'll come true. But I wish all the good things for you. How are you? I can ask even in the morning or night time but it keeps repeating

@hillsideblues Hey you 🙂 You've been in my thoughts. I have to admit Hill - I wish so many good things for you too and I hope you're doing well and taking good care of yourself. I'm doing ok - thank you for asking 🙂

I pray that my baby doesn't feel sad and doesn't hear hurtful things. I love you so much. I'm sorry that I hated you just because of how you came into being. But now I can't think of anything that I love more than you. When you come in the world, I'll make sure that no one hits you and does bad things to you ❤️

I went out of my room today to the kitchen

Someone spammed really bad things on my diary thread. Can someone please delete the spam posts. I'm not sure who to ask. I can't see its upsetting and really bad

@hillsideblues I flagged it Hill. I'm so sorry this happened on your thread 😞

@NoneTheWiser Thank you ❤️ I had chocolate biscuits in the kitchen. I liked them

Lots of hugs for you as well if that is okay ❤️

@NoneTheWiser That's so kind of you ❤️ Thank you for the beams. They made me feel really positive ❤️

@hillsideblues Hey you ❤️ You've been in my thoughts for a while. I hope you're doing ok today and I really am sorry that your safe space here was treated so disrespectfully yesterday. They're working as hard as they can to make sure something like this doesn't happen ever again

I wanted to tell you too how proud I am of you that you left your bedroom to go to the kitchen! That's a pretty big deal in my book

*sending you hugs* ❤️

@mytwistedsoul Thank you. I hope bad pictures don't happen again. You're so kind ❤️

Hugs for you as well if okay ❤️❤️

@hillsideblues You are not stupid Hill - not at all! ❤️ I know its hard but try not to listen to her. She's wrong. I don't mean to start anything or make trouble but it is your room. Idk what she was thinking by changing things around but maybe you can put some things back? I know it would make me upset if someone did that in my room. I think it's great that you draw and they don't have to be perfect. They're your drawings and its something that you like to do - you shouldn't have that taken away from you. If she doesn't like to see them maybe you could put them on the back of your bedroom door? Then you could still see them when your door is closed?

@NoneTheWiser Hey :) You're welcome

@mytwistedsoul My mom threw them in the trash can. But I'll make more drawings. Even my doctor said I should not stop practicing writing words and also drawings. Because my hands tremors alot and I'm supposed to practice writing to have more control in my hands. Drawing is a good exercise for hand movement control my doctor says. I'll draw. And positive vibes. Thank you for it. It makes me think of positive vibes ❤️❤️

My mom changed my room and where I had kept my things. Now I've been keep on forgetting where my mom kept my things. It confuses me. I can't remember. Why is my memory becomes so bad. She took down drawings I had done and taped on my room wall. My mom said my drawings are messy and makes the whole house look bad. I know I'm not an artist and I don't make really pretty drawings. I just like to draw and thought of taping my drawings on my room wall. Now everything looks so different and changed. I was very used to seeing drawings on my room wall and also where my things had kept. But now it feels like I'm in a totally different room. It makes me feel scared. Why is everything changing. My dad has started disappearing again. He does that when he is stressed out with his feelings and his work job. Seeing bad pictures was triggering. I don't know why people do things like this. What do they gain from doing it. Why don't people understand that you can't put bad pictures. It makes me remember him making videos of me and putting them up. I was only a child. Why do people do this!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know. I want everything in my room back. My mom does this. Anything I make mistake she says I'm stupid. It's all over my childhood years again. I wish I was in college. Why did they make me leave. I know. What can I do. Listen to the figure in my room? I already listened to it and did SH sometimes. My mom always said I'm stupid

I think my dad is coming home tomorrow from his business trip. I was thinking of cooking something nice. I've not cooked or baked anything nice ever since the group home facility. But I'm worried that if I make something nice than I'll want to eat it as well. And if I eat it then I'll gain more weight and my mom will say I'm getting fat. But I also feel like eating sometimes. I think I'll cook vegetable rice with mashed potatoes and a dip and make pizza rolls. I also feel like eating that. And my dad really likes pizza rolls in a dip

I feel like everything went wrong my dad came back home. When my dad goes for days, I like being alone. My mom sometimes comes to stay in my dad's home because she has been having trouble with money. When my dad isn't at home she sleeps in my dad's room. When my dad is at home, she sleeps in the guest room. They're divorced and don't live in together. This time my dad was at home so my mom had to sleep in the guest room. But apparently my mom went to my dad's room to sleep in his bed sometime during night time. Because I woke up to voices of my dad crying and screaming. It really scared me and I went to his room to check. My mom got in my dad's bed to sleep with my dad when my dad was already sleeping there and tried touching him. And it made my dad very upset. It makes me really upset as well if anyone tries touching me. All the screams really scared me. I didn't know what to do. They had a huge fight. They always used to fight. My dad was telling my mom that she should be in the guest room. But my mom kept saying that she can sleep in any room she wants and they used to share the same room before their divorce and he is making a big deal if they share the same room now. I know when I was in the group home, my mom stayed in my dad's home after her long term boyfriend and she broke up and she didn't have a home so she stayed with my dad until she found a home. And my mom was trying to get back together with my dad then but my dad didn't think it was right. They both kept shouting at each other so much. I wanted to run away but felt very scared to move. My dad told my mom that she can't stay overnight at his house anymore. She can visit but she has to go back to her own house when it's night time. My mom got really mad at that and kept saying that she will take me away. She can't do that. I'm not a child anymore that I HAVE to stay 1 week at my dad's house and 1 week at my mom's house, like I always used to do. But now I can chose where I stay now because I'm not a child and I'm 18+!!!!!!! Sometimes I really wish that I was living in my college dorm again. But i don't have a job or college anymore. I wish my mom wouldn't do things like these and I wish they didn't shout so much. It just scares me and my mom's threats scares me. My mom went back to her home now and I hope she doesn't come back to threaten again

@hillsideblues Hey you ❤️

@mytwistedsoul You're so kind ❤️ I do find it better with my dad then mom. She is very loud all the time and soo much shouting. I didn't make pizza rolls. The flour started to feel very weird and I got scared to touch it

@hillsideblues *hugs* ❤️ The loudness and shouting would be a problem for me. I wish she wasn't like that when she's around you. Maybe since your dad got upset with her the last time she was there - maybe she'll stay away. I hope that doesn't sound too bad

Oh gosh - I can understand why the flour feeling weird would scare you. Somethings are just hard to deal with when they have a weird feel or texture to them

*wishing good things for you Hill ❤️*

I've an ultrasound appointment which means I've to go outside home

I think I can feel the baby sometimes. It makes me love them even more ❤️

@mytwistedsoul Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

Sometimes I see things like I see them in like the colors. And everything I see has outlines. Why do they've outlines? Because otherwise all the colors will leak every where. And I don't know what will happen then. I don't want my face colors to fall on the floor and also my shirt colors to fall on the floor. I don't want anyone's colors to fall on the floor. I don't know how it'll be like without it? We need the outlines!!!!! I don't think my doctor had outlines? I saw her but I'm still not very sure. I was thinking entire time to ask her to be sure. But then I felt like maybe I shouldn't ask because it can be a personal question. How do people live without it!!!! I think back and I see alot is insects. But like I took a shower today and I also dried my hair. I don't know why the doctor didn't have an outline. I was thinking that it happens sometimes. Everything is happening so fast my brain feels very wobbly. I just don't understand what to do first or what to think. I think we will be going to the lawyer again. I want the group home facility to disappear!!!!! They hurt me no one understood how bad each day was. I did nothing. Nothing at all. But we don't want people without outlines anymore!!!

It has been very weird feeling today and some confusion. I've been feeling like. But no I think. I feel really tired and laid on my bed to rest. I must've had a seizure episode or something because I couldn't move my body at all. All of a sudden and I couldn't move my body or my arms or legs. It's like my mind was aware but my body not responding. I feel so scared. I used to get stuck in still positions like this in the group home. I thought my catatonia symptoms were lessening now but it happened again and I couldn't move at all. I'm not sure how long I stayed there still because I couldn't see the time but it felt very long. I wanted to say something but no voice coming out of my mouth. My mouth wasn't moving and I was trying. I felt like going to the bathroom after a while. Ever since I've a baby along the time, I feel like using the bathroom so many times in a day. I tried getting up to go to the bathroom but I couldn't move my body. It's very humiliating. It was like one moment my mind was so blank and I don't know where I was. And one moment I knew where I was and trying to move my body. It hurt being so still in uncomfortable position. My dad came back from work and he passed my room and said hi and went away. I don't think he noticed that I was stuck in my position and couldn't speak. I'm not sure how much time passed. I feel really scared. Only like when it my dad was calling me to come for dinner and I couldn't move at all or speak. He was saying something with dinner but I can't remember. My dad was in my room to check. He was speaking to me but now I don't really remember what he was saying. My dad started doing something to my shoulders and it made me move my body again. It feels very humiliating and scary. I want these symptoms to go away. I feel like a burden. I think I was also really sweaty from laying there so still for so long and I might have puked. I'm not very sure. It's very humiliating. I don't want to be like this. I had some food in my room with my dad. He kept saying we should go to the hospital because I was stuck still for so long but I don't want to go outside of my room again. I feel really scared and there are just too many people and too much noise and colors. It's very overwhelming. And I feel the safest with my dad. I think we are going to have another session of family therapy with my dad's therapist. Because my mom shouting so much and going to my dad's room when he was sleeping there. Family therapy but without my mom in it because me and my dad asked my mom months back if she wants to do family therapy with us and my mom said no she is really busy. This is like our third family therapy session. But I don't like it at all because my dad's therapist is a male. I feel so scared of him and don't want to be near him. But I've not managed to tell my dad this. I don't want to be stuck in still positions again. I feel like my mind's gone. I thought my catatonia symptoms were reducing!!!!!

I feel really full like all the time. I feel like my body is filled with really hard rocks up to my mouth. I even feel fullness and rocks in my throat. It feels too much and moving around feels hard because of my body changing. I feel like throwing up all the rocks and always feel like puking

I think my baby might also have a chip growing inside their head

I'm in my room and I sometimes hear my dad crying in his room. I thought it was just voices in my head but I've been seeing him cry. He was talking to me that he is upset about my mom coming to his room when he had very clearly told my mom that she can ONLY sleep in the guest room on the bed and not in any other room in our home, when my mom visits and stays the night. And he is upset because of all the constant arguments between him and mom. I don't know what to do. I tried telling my dad that it'll be ok. I'm not sure what else to say. I want to say more. But it starts becoming hard to say. I don't like my dad being upset. I don't like my mom being upset as well. But how do I stop it. I don't want my dad to cry. He cries so much sometimes. He told me today that he feels like he has alot of responsibilities at home, with my mom and his work and he feels tired because of it all. And last night I heard him screaming so I went to his room to check and I think he was having a panic attack. Because I have panic attacks all the time. So I think that's what it was. My dad said it was just a bad dream and I should go back to my room. But I know he is upset. I am really trying to fix everything

@hillsideblues Hey you ❤️ me again :)

Maybe her being in his room that time triggered something for him? She's abusive to you - I would guess she was abusive to him too?

@mytwistedsoul I think maybe because it's circular like a round. I think because of not the floor

@hillsideblues Hey you :) do you mean it goes around and around with your parents? With her trying to get into his bed and they fight? I'm sorry I'm not sure I fully understand ❤️

@mytwistedsoul I'm sorry. You're so kind and gentle ❤️ I think sometimes I get confused and mix things up and they don't make sense. It feels embarrassing sometimes to read my old diary entries when I was probably going to psychosis episodes and writing in psychosis. I've been seeing alot of round objects that aren't there. My parents never went well together. They have so many arguments whenever my mom visits. I try to be there for my dad whenever he tells me that he isn't feeling well

@hillsideblues Nothing for you to be sorry for Hill and its ok if things get mixed up and it doesn't matter if it makes sense ok? ❤️ I can allways ask you about it but you never have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable ok? Sometimes things get messy in my head and I say things I don't want to or things I don't mean. Same with reading some of the things I've written. It makes me cringe sometimes to read some of the things I've written